To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Tell them both to fuck off OP. Your MiL is dangerously out of touch and enabling your husbands’ dreadful attitude. You clearly need the baby groups and they are clearly helping with your mental health. Why is your MiL criticising and not offering to help ?

Hi Op, I had pnd after Dd was born, I was 42 and all of my friend's children were well grown by then. My family lived 40 mins drive away and Dh worked 12hr shifts, I couldn't drive due to C section and I remember so well that compulsion to get out and about just for human contact, even though it was winter. However, I do feel there is a point where mums and babies get togethers can turn into long sessions and there is a need to find a balance. For me the cloud lifted with antidepressants and I began to be more organised with my days. My heart aches for you because I know where ur at, but you need to find a balance as does yr Dh, he needs to be realistic and if he's not willing to help then he gets what's doable

If you had a three year old in nursery, were living off your husband and not lifting a finger around the house, then he might have a point.

Your child is four months old.

There was a woman in our NCT group who's husband thought it was his wife's job to be cleaning the house while he was at work. He was also out on the piss most nights because 'it's part of his job to socialise'. Everybody else, husbands included, all thought he was a man child that he needed to grow up and do his bit.

Yes but she should expect better from her partner. He is the one who should be the most supportive out of everybody.

The more I read the worse your DH comes across. Controlling and just pain horrible. He enables your MIL’s behaviour.

The baby groups sound great and I encourage you to keep going. It’s certainly is not free time for yourself when you still looking after said baby. You need to look after yourself so you are able to look after baby as well.

I have a 6 month old and very little housework gets done during the work day. I clean and cook dinner when DH is finished work and looking after baby. We both do a deep clean at the weekend/ clean anything that gets missed during the week. During the day when on my own I will put washing on and I might was up quickly at lunch time if baby is happy on play mat otherwise it gets left for when DH has finished work and can help. I also attended baby groups 3 times a week. DH says he would love to be able to attend as well. Baby is breastfeed so no reason for him to get up during the night but he gets up first with oldest child.

You must also go back to work because there are financial consequences in terms of maternity pay etc. Also you need to be building an escape fund. I'm sorry if i missed it but exactly how old are you and how old is he? Has he been married before? If so do you know why they split up?

@Burnedoutmama I’m so sorry you’re in this position with a man who only seems to care about your wellbeing when it suits him. It sounds like he encouraged the groups to look good in front of the midwife and expected it would lead to you basically acting like his own mother. You’ve got some real enjoyment and peace from it and that has just made him bitter and jealous, instead of happy for you like he should be.

His expectations clearly stem from his home life with a mother who still treats him like he’s five years old, but they are unrealistic expectations for someone that isn’t interested in being the subservient little housewife. Most households share cleaning and cooking these days and even if someone does most of the cooking (like me) it’s not often on the basis of “an elaborate dinner waiting on the table for the big strong man after his long day of work” 🤢.

Your mom has been spot on about him from the start, but I understand how hard it must be to feel like you’re playing referee all the time between them. She thinks she’s showing her love for you this way but you need to make her understand it’s just making your life harder. Now that you’ve started to see the light and understand that his behaviour is abusive at worst, misogynistic and unfair at best. Maybe you can have a gentle talk where you let her know this and tell her how she can support you as you decide your next steps - focusing on what will bring you up instead of bringing him down.

Good luck to you navigating through all of this ❤️

I’m sure this will get lost in the sea of replies now but I had to reply. He’s an absolute prick. You do plenty, and you have a colicky baby.

Tell him to fuck off to his mothers if he wants a cooked meal, tell him to bloody stay there. If MIL says anything about how you’re slipping tell her to feel free to run the hoover round.

Woh. Wonder-woman! (This is not sarcastic!)

JFC your MIL is a piece of work! My kids are 21 and 19 and baby groups were very much a thing then and before that. I remember going to one group where one mum started crying, because she felt she couldn’t cope but also, she felt safe doing so in that environment. They are vital to support mental health.

Time with a new baby is far more important than any housework.

sadly, its not a good sign if both OH and his parents are on the same side. I don’t have much useful advice but I do know you are doing the right thing for your well-being and you should stand your ground.

Oh my god my blood is boiling reading this. A mum group is VITAL for keeping sane with a baby! I still see the friwnds I made in my mum group once a week at least and the children Are going to school this year. Do what you can around the house but you’re in survival mode atm ( we all are with babies!) please please do not stop going and if your MIL is so concerned she can come and clean! Cheeky cow

Also cereal for breakfast, tinned soup for lunch and then learns to cook for his dinner. Personally i would leave him because he is a shitty partner and dad

The.mumsnet 💪are shocked on your behalf. Shocked at the entitlement of your arse of a DH putting housework over your mental health and shocked at the sheer neck his mother to interfere.
We can all collectively come round and give them a talking to....

It is NOT excessive it’s one social thing a day! Go away

Why are you still with him? I’m happily married and not miserable at all if he asks and you deserve the same. He is truly terrible. You are doing an excellent job, well done. Even if you are at home, your baby would still be clingy, you still wouldn’t be able to do the level of housework he is demanding.

Men like him is why women prefer to do motherhood alone. What’s he actually offering you? No intimacy, no supporting you, just making you scared for leaving the house and not doing enough housework. That is definitely abuse. Proper abuse.

Go to a marriage counsellor together, they can tell your DP that what he is doing is definitely controlling, coercive abuse.

Baby groups are also important because they help you build a network. As the kids get older you may occasionally need help here or there - you can't get that if you don't know anyone!

Clean pants, if we all managed to have clean pants that was a win in the first year, never mind 4m with ppd trauma.

If he wants a clean house, he can do it himself or get a cleaner

Yep this. I was just coming onto say.

It's very common for this to start op when a woman has a baby and is vulnerable. He doesn't like you having a network/life.

Ignore his mum.

It may sound dramatic but honestly I would look at a plan for leaving him and do NOT tell him youre thinking of this.

@Burnedoutmama
OP, I have just been through and read all of your replies, I am being as kind but as blunt as I can be.

This man is abusive, and I say that as someone who left an abusive relationship. I’m angry and sad on your behalf, and I think it’s very telling that your health visitor wanted to see you alone and then DP didn’t like the HV any more. When you go out “who will look after the baby, don’t get drunk, I’ll pick you up”, moaning about your cleaning standards, moaning about and mocking what you cook.

This isn’t about the house not being clean enough or you not cooking meals from scratch, this is about him not liking that you have made friends and have a life outside of him. Because if you start letting slip to people what he’s like they’ll tell you he’s an abusive prick as several people have here.

I could never talk to my ExHB about things I struggled with or my problems, he’d just get angry and say I had nothing to be down about, I didn’t know how good I had it. I talked to a friend once who told me to talk to him and when I did he was terrifying, more so than usual because I didn’t confide in him, I confided in friend. Sound familiar?

Mumsnet is full of miserable women who are going to say the things we’ve said? Well you bloody well tell him I am so, so flipping happy because I left my ex-husband, got divorced, put a deposit on my own house, got a BF who makes me believe in love again and bought a pink sofa. He just doesn’t want you to know that.

In all seriousness, are you safe? Is there someone you can confide in to help you?

Do not do this. It's never advised for a couple in an abusive relationship to have couples therapy.

I would think walking a husky and baby almost impossible!! They’re so strong.

The health visitor clearly recognises there is a problem with DH. He’s abusive - you’ve described and defined the abuse yourself. You absolutely do not go to counselling with your abuser, and no counsellor would countenance it.

Came here to say this, abusers will sadly most of the time wrap counsellors round their little fingers. Do not go to counselling.

I barely comment but please do not stop going to the groups, it’s your husbands turn to step up. I say this as a stay at home mum that doesn’t everything around my home. If he doesn’t want to do it then time to hire a cleaner even in the short term. But you deserve what will help you recover. I never slag off the MIL but as a mother total arse move from her. Please please keep going make friends and fall in love with being a mum. Welcome to the sisterhood x