To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

You're a saint.
If my husband had done this when I had a 4 month old he'd be lucky if I'd changed the locks and got a lawyer. Other options include a blunt instrument to the back of the head.

... and I've just read even more of your posts, and my heart cries for you. This is toxic. I have never said this before om MN but I really do think that you should be regarding your relationship with your DH. What the f*.

DS screamed at me all afternoon from 3 months old to 5 months old. DP worked 13 hour shifts starting at 6am. He came
home and immediately took baby off me so I could go and cook dinner for us both. Wed bath DS then DH would give DS a bottle so I could have a shower and sit and express milk for the following evenings bottle whilst watching something on my iPad/reading a book. He understood that looking after the baby full time was hard work especially when the baby screamed at me for 2 or 3 hours every afternoon.

I went to baby groups nearly everyday too as I worked full time before that (and still do) and needed adult conversation to be able to survive. I did the bits of housework I could do whilst DS napped (after I’d had a hot cup of tea or coffee and a biscuit and a bit of time to decompress), we sorted the rest between us at weekends. Presumably prior to Mat leave you were working and you shared housework so there is no extra, just him doing what he did before. Maybe you can leave him for a day at a weekend alone with the baby and see how much he gets done in that time?

You need to tell DP to stop complaining to his mummy and she needs to back off. If someone wants the house to be cleaner than it it, they can clean it or pay someone to do it!

Honestly, get a cleaner in regularly. It completely changed everything for me. You need to get out, the housework is not all on you.

Occasionally yes, often NO! I didn’t even really have the excuse of baby groups as it was during lockdown 😂😭 I just had a SUPER Velcro baby who was constantly miserable and only contact napped. Wouldn’t lay and chill, constantly on me! My massive game changes however were a baby carrier! I wore it around the house and could hoover, do laundry, mop etc and he was more than happy attached to me. Secondly SLOW COOKER! I used to dump all the Ingredients in first thing in morning and by dinner time would only have to microwave say for example microwave rice to add to dinner and add some veg (can even use the frozen steam bags for ease!), this honestly made SO much difference. I often doubled the ingredients I needed and then froze all the leftovers for the nights when I cba and had a bad day with baby so we at least had a proper home cooked dinner. Third, once he improved with being put down a bit, I got an automatic swing baby chair that constantly swung back and forwards. He really enjoyed it and I could get more done for short periods. But honestly, your OH and MIL sounds like HUGE dickheads. You do what you can to save your sanity. But honestly get a slow cooker, before you go to class put all ingredients in, and it will help YOU also knowing dinner is already sorted. As long as the house is “clean” like from a hygiene perspective, I really really wouldn’t worry. Your metal health is the priority xxx

Wtf is wrong with these men!??

Hello,
I haven't read every post, so are you doing maternity counselling as well as 5 baby group sessions every day in a week?
If that is correct, yes, that is excessive.
I had a traumatic birth with a 2.5yr old toddler too. Had no nearby family support. But I had to cope, but I had a very supportive husband who helped when he got back from work.
I am really sorry you are struggling, but could you cut back on the amount of baby groups you attend? Perhaps 2 a week instead of every day?
Are you getting out for walks with little one? Fresh air around a park etc?
I agree in laws should butt out, but they're probably concerned about you & their son in this new phase which doesn't sound like it's going well.
Enjoy your little one...and your home made food sounds lovely 😁

Connecting with mums groups is SO important for you right now. Housework/cleaning can wait.
If your husband feels otherwise, he should stay home and look after your baby while you do it or he should do it!! Aarrgghh. I'm SO sick of men who just don't get it!

He sounds like a controlling a-hole after reading your replies. F him.

Go to your groups. Your MIL shouldn’t interfere & your hubby should be telling her not to interfere. Your baby needs a happy mum. Keep the housework down, don’t worry about it being perfect. Take it from a mum if 2 teen boys - they grow within the blink of an eye - you can clean then. Ignore your MIL completely & tell your husband u need this for your mental health & you also need him to back you up & put your happiness up there at the top of priorities so your baby is happy. End of. Xxxx

Your MIL can help you clean the fucking house then.
Honestly OP keep to your baby groups, your mental health comes first. Happy mum, Happy baby so they say xx

Can you explain why more than two groups a week is excessive but a walk around the park is acceptable? I’m not following your argument. OP is doing plenty of housework for someone in her circumstances. Baby needs to be cared for whether at home or at a group so would difference does it make?

OP I had a colicky reflux non napping baby and went to loads of groups. She was always happier with new people to look at and I enjoyed the structure it gave my week. Baby 2 was a content mummy mad thing so didn’t need the groups do much. It’s such a short bit difficult phase in your life. Just do whatever works for your sanity.

Oh no no no! Firstly how dare your partner go running to his mummy to tell on you for being a bad housekeeper. Is he going to do that every time he feels something isn’t the way he wants it? Secondly he needs to tell his Mother to keep her nose out and her trap shut or she won’t be invited back. It would be different if she was offering to help and support you but she’s not and nor is he. Don’t let them rob you of enjoying this time with your babies. Housework can wait, it’s always there. Otherwise he can get a cleaner in to do it. You are not his unpaid housemaid. 😤😤

I can't even begin to imagine how horrible this must have been for you. If my other half ever went to his mother to complain about the state of our house I know for a fact she would have told him that he needs to step up his game, if she thought he was doing his best she would have offered to take some things off my list.
I swear to god if he'd shown up alone for dinner at hers because cooking for himself was too much effort she would laugh in his face.

Really sounds like her baby is jealous of yours and he needs to grow up and be a supportive member of the team.

But what household tasks NEED to be done that the op isn’t doing?

if they were both at work nobody would be doing any household things in the day and they’d have to do them later together or take turns or whatever way you do things 🤷‍♀️

maternity leave is to spend with your baby not cleaning

The best thing you can do for you and your baby is leave now and move very, very far away from this narcissist and his vile family. You are recovering. You are not a maid. Your partner is a lazy, selfish man baby facilitated by his ignorant mother. Please get yourself and your baby out of there. For both your sakes.

They are both huge problems. The husband for being an utter prissy turd and the MIL for being a catbum-faced harridan who is encouraging her son's idiotic and nasty attitudes.

I'm sorry to hear you had such a hard time after the birth of your DC.

Motherhood is tough, particularly in the early days and months. Your DC is only 4 months. Please please be kind to yourself. You sound like you are doing an excellent job and should be proud of yourself.

I cannot stand mothers who do not support other mums - your MIL sounds absolutely vile. Do not listen to her, nor her mummy's boy son.

I agree with others - show your DH this thread and tell him to grow up.

Protect your energy.

your partner & MIL are out of order!

Do you have a baby sling/carrier? Our babe was very colicky too & found that they were super happy & stopped crying in the carrier on me whilst I did some housework in the afternoons - maybe 2 birds 1 stone?

But honestly, please don’t stress about housework & focus on your health (mental & physical) & your baby - that is what maternity leave it for.

I hope your mum is a typical, take no shit Scottish maw!! I think maybe you should go back with your mum, at least for a wee while. Your h and his mums behaviour is shocking!!!!
Hugs

A woman who thinks ML is a holiday raises a son who turns out like this. I’ll say it again, it’s women who are their own worst enemy not men.

Go to your groups. Socialise it seems to be working for you and helping your mental health. Personally I hated them (but I am rather anti social) but I know many who love them. For me it was long walks, listening to music that helped me. I have also been there with my mental health after children and it’s not a nice place to be in. For me, keeping on top of housework and having a routine has helped me tremendously, I find if I have order and on top of the house then mentally I am in a much better place. So maybe instead of giving up your mother and baby groups maybe try find a happy medium as in sit down and look at a housework routine. Tea time prep slow cooker meals bang it all in and it’s ready for hubby getting home, each day have a little routine. But I would not be putting to much pressure on yourself.

ive 7 children, 5 teens and two toddlers so obvs i have much more washing etc and often I feel overwhelmed, but every day first thing I do when I get up is make my bed, straighten the kids rooms. Put a wash load on before breakfast. When I shower that’s when I disinfect the bathroom before getting in the shower and disinfect the bath etc. when I go for my first morning wee and my last wee before bed that’s when I clean the toilet and put bleach down. And last thing I do on a night is put the dish washer on so I can empty it in the morning. Nap times/quieter times I prep the tea. It’s little routines like that that help me keep on top of things. Me sharing my little routines by all means does not mean it’s all on you! Also WTAF is your MIL doing how dare she speak to like that. Ignore her, sounds like someone needs to cut the umbilical cord your hubby is still attached too, the fact she thinks it’s ok to get herself involved like that. Xx

Someone who is 'checking high places for dust' could just... dust! Barely any more effort.

I mean, it does sound a bit Downton Abbey. Does he have special white gloves for this task? What a controlling weirdo.

If you had a full time job would he also expect you to do all the housework and have his dinner ready for him? He is being ridiculous. He doesn't get to opt out of all housework / daily tasks just because you are on maternity leave. The baby is your job, not him. He would have to cook and clean if he was single wouldn't he or if you only got home from work at 6pm.

I cooked some very rubbish low effort meals when I was on maternity leave - like I'd just dump chicken breasts in a slow cooker with a jar of pesto and then make some pasta when DP got home to go with it. Jacket potatoes and tuna. Or we'd have eggs and oven chips, with beans. Or he'd pick up fish and chips on the way home for us sometimes. They were real basic, boring meals sometimes but it was all I could manage when baby was hard work. DP would always say thank you and he would go out to the corner shop to buy my dessert after. I went to baby groups plenty and I had nice days out with my friends and their children. We got a cleaner to help me cope because I couldn't keep on top of it all and DP understood that. It was hard, sleep deprived days. I think it is important to have some kind of plan about what you are both going to eat in the evenings, just so you know whats what, but it doesn't have to be something elaborate.

This.
Everyone is different and needs different things to cope. If you cope with 5 baby groups, it’s not excessive. You’ll only be on maternity leave once or twice (or a bit more) times and need to make the most of it / survive. Do not judge yourself and don’t let others prescribe advice for you.