To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

but it’s not unreasonable to hope for a (moderately) clean house and a dinner when you’ve been at work all day and your wife or husband is at home

Sorry, but you missed out the vital phrase in your sermonising.

but it’s not unreasonable to hope for a (moderately) clean house and a dinner when you’ve been at work all day and your wife or husband is at home AFTER A HARD BIRTH WITH A FOUR MONTH OLD COLICKY BABY.

"he says he has to do it as I didn't when be was working" -- that is a disgusting comment from him. (And if you want, he ought to allow you the chance to go out without the baby too.)

You're doing and putting out washing, making breakfast and lunch, going to baby classes and taking care of a colicky 4m old all day. I didn't achieve any more than this for a while - we split the cleaning and I walked the dog with baby in a sling. In evening I handed him baby and made dinner as i needed a break from carrying them or thinking about their needs all day. My husband would not have expected a home cooked meal. Maternity leave is to take care of the child and to recover - housework essentials if time and sanity allows. Painting and dusting the tops of furniture? He needs to get real. Has he ever been left alone with the baby to see what he can get done? Awful for him to demand this.

I am a mum of 3, age 7, 3 and newborn. Cleaning will be waiting for you but your baby is only young once. I use The Oranised Mum and have a cleaner once a month.
go to your baby groups enjoy your baby.

I can't imagine expecting a meal as a reward for being at work. Just like when I didn't have children, I am able to cook or organise a meal after a day doing my job.

Personally I would get this, the largest you can. Hang it in the most noticeable place. Inform your dh and Mil, that this is your new philosophy, and they can feck right off.

Oh wow… firstly, no one should be telling you what to do unless they walked in your shoes. Happy mum means happy baby. Keep the baby groups, it’s only 2h of your day. If your partner so wishes he can take the baby out for the day durning the weekend so that you can do some jobs. Or you can do it and he’s free to paint & clean the toilets. His job it’s no more important than yours because if yours wasn’t labour why do people outsource it?
MIL is being ridiculous, she can come clean your with her son over the weekend too. If you can afford it, I highly recommend a cleaner every fortnight though - saved my sanity.

Well, I can't and neither can the vast majority of the posters on this thread. This is HIS colicky, velcro, 4 month-old baby his partner is caring for to the very best of her ability and all he can do is carp and criticise and complain to his mother. Poor OP has two babies to care for, her child and her manbaby, so-called partner.

Read the thread. OP's mother lives in another country, so can't muck in as you suggest.

This makes me sad and angry. He sounds abusive and controlling. His behaviour is totally unreasonable. Please get help. Mention it to your health visitor. Build your support network. I wouldn’t stay with someone who treated me like this.

You are his partner a mother of his child not the cook and cleaner. Your ‘job’ is to meet the needs of your child and try to stay sane. Anything more than that is a bonus at this point. Home cooked meal?! You’d already done breakfast and lunch ffs.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

What the… did I just read?

My baby is also on me nearly 24/7. She won’t be put down. She will go to husband occasionally. My husband is doing most of the housework. Housework is a treat for me when she goes to him for a few minutes!

Baby groups are important for you and the baby.

Maternity leave is for recovering and looking after a baby....not for painting. A sling or baby carrier might help so that you can gets bits done in the house ie washing up, making lunch. I am sure your partner managed to make some dinner before he met you...he can do it now. Some days with a baby are better than others, some days you will be able to make a decent meal others you may not.....either way he needs to realise that looking after a baby is not easy....if you are bottle feeding I would recommend a weekend away alone when you feel ready....leave him to it a d see what kind of fancy meal he can make while holding a baby....and whatever you do ensure you have effective contraception because this will not get any better.

I haven't read further than this but if baby groups are saving your sanity that is more valuable than anything at this stage, and it sounds like you are more than ticking along with "jobs" anyway, home made soups? My kids are teens and I rarely get round to that. Tell your "d"h and his mother that we aren't in 1956 any more and you are doing your best, which sounds more than good enough to me.

The cheek of her! How dare she! If shes so desperate for her prince charming son to live in a spotless house tell her when you are next out, leave a key under a plant pot and she can let herself in and clean!

This happened to me, took me two years but I packed my shit and left. Another 3 years on and my life has completely changed and got a lot easier!

It's bullshit that baby groups weren't a thing. My mum definitely went to groups in local community centres and church halls when my youngest brother was a baby and toddler because I remember it and she has anedotes from conversations there.

I didn't do one each day but having a couple in the week made the difference.

I also let the housework slide in favour of a daily walk and something that got us out of the house. We went swimming once a week with a friend and her baby at our local leisure centre because it was cheap and tired the babies out. One baby group was near the town shops so I'd park by the hall and after the group would go and get the little things I could get in those shops or pop to the library.

It is so important for your baby's development, health and wellbeing that you are well mentally and physically. Also, baby's communication skills will develop better when you're singing and playing with him - which is what happens at these groups! It's good for him and you! It's great for you to build these bonds with other new parents, it's essential for reducing isolation, for sharing problems and building your village and your community.

I'm not a great housekeeper but what helped when my babies were little was having a shower at night rather than the morning, setting the breakfast table ready for the morning so I just needed to get the milk from the fridge. I stopped ironing.

Also, any day I'd stay in our flat it'd end up even messier because we were in it!

Your MIL is being judgemental and it hurts you. You know that you are doing the right thing for you and your baby. Ignore her. Your husband is mad if he can't see how exhausting and all-consuming a colicky baby is, and how lonely and stressful it would be to stay in the house all day AND how impossible it is to do any cleaning or tidying in that time!

Are you breastfeeding or are you able to leave the baby with your husband on their own for a few days in a row? One day won't be enough for him to realise the pressure you're under. Especially only 4 months after a traumatic and physically exhausting birth. You are still healing in body and mind.

Screw the "back in my day" crap. Just because she had a miserable maternity experience doesn't mean you have to.

I literally never had dinner ready for husband when I was on maternity leave !we batch cooked stuff sometimes at weekends between us and we then could just quickly heat something up when he got in

sometimes I’d just eat with the kids earlier on and go to bed early and he’d sort his dinner later

most I got done most days was a bit of laundry and I sent the robot hoover around

the baby took all my time and it was better being out to avoid making more mess in the house

your husband is abusive and he won’t change op

id be getting away if I was you

His behaviour (and his mums) is outrageous! You are not his servant! Your mum seems to see right through him though - good for her. Love a Scottish mammy. Honestly, shes looking out for you and seems to be the only one on your side, so please dont push her away.

You are doing absolutely nothing wrong by going to baby groups. You poor love. Please dont have any more children with him and once you feel well enough, consider if you'd be better off alone or back near your parents and support.

Did you have a hard birth and a colicky, velcro baby, or were you lucky enough to have an easy birth and a placid, contented one? That makes all the difference.

5 groups a week, 2 hours at a time is only 10 hours away from the house.

I'm assuming if you were at work you would be away for a lot longer.

Maternity leave is important to help you recover physically, mentally and build a bond with your baby, if that's with the aid of the groups then so be it. It's not meant for you to be in the house doing housework non-stop.

On mat leave it would kind of make sense that the bulk of household jobs are done by the stay at home parent but it doesn't mean the other one shouldn't help.

His mum shouldn't be interfering in how your household is run. I also don't see how anyone would voluntarily stay in a relationship with a grown man who goes telling tales to mummy!

nothing much shocks me on Mumsnet any more but Jesus Christ OP
go to your groups look after your MH, enjoy your baby and forget about the housework and your other half, what a waste of space he is

your husband is an ass! Maternity leave is all about being with you baby and physically recovering! We joint clean up on a weekend and I do things like hoovering and the washing clothes and dishes during the week and that's with 2 not school age (baby just turned 1). It takes 2 minutes to scrub the bog so why can't he do it once he's been to the loo if he's so bothered. He needs to get rid of unrealistic expectations that I'm figuring stem from his mother..
can you not introduce him to friends who have babies and he can gain insight to how their houses are?

You know when you thought your DH was being an arse, you were wrong
He is a lazy, self-centred, thoughtless pig, who cares very little for you. DIVORCE HIM

You poor love.
Of course you should continue to go to groups that are supporting you.
Don't listen to this shit. You must do whatever you feel is the right way for you.
Housework? Do you want to see my shit-tip? I have just managed to clear the worktops in my kitchen for the first time in 5 days.
Take care and try to build some strength. I know that that isn't easy.

You've got this.

Can you afford to get a one off “big clean” done by someone. Then it’s easier to maintain.

I do think toilets/ bathrooms should be cleaned regularly.