To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Haven't RTFT but OP says her baby is colicky, 4 months old and she had a difficult birth. A colicky baby alone is extremely difficult. You really can't get anything done with a screaming baby who won't be put down.

I think your DP's job is to look after you/the house so you can focus on the baby. Your MiL should come and help with the housework if she feels extra is needed. Your DP is completely unreasonable.

Take care of yourself.

Reading this makes me want to cry. Your DH and his fam are so wrong. Keep going xx

The health visitor wants to see you on your own-make it a priority that this happens. Then show her this thread.

x

OMG! He wants a servant, not a wife. I am so sorry. I have a partner who cleans daily, deals with dog, garden, cars. I cook and do the washing. We are partners. You clearly are not.

Housework will always be there these days are precious maternity leave is for you to recover and bond with baby not be a maid .

He’s a cunt and so is she

Ask your partners' parents to babysit. Go out without the baby when colic is at it's worst. You boyfriend might understand what you are going through. Get a cleaner or your boyfriend can do it. You are looking after baby and your mental health is important; the house can wait. Do the essentials and let the rest slide. Get a dishwasher if you don't have one, put washing on at night, get a robot vacuum. Clean bathroom after use, and tell boyfriend to do the same. Mother of 3.

If my husband started checking the top shelves for dust, I'd shove the duster up his arse — and I'm not on maternity leave struggling with postpartum mental health. Tell him if he wants a spotless home, he can pay a cleaner or do it himself.

I feel so bad for you… I thought my MIL was aggravating back in the day but she wouldn’t have dreamt of interfering to this extent. Baby groups saved my mental health, especially with my first baby. I can’t stress enough how unimportant housework is compared to a happy mum and happy baby. Please please don’t stop going. My ‘babies’ are 25 and 22 now and I am still close to several of the friends I made via groups. Baby groups are priceless. All the best to you xx

Time to tell him he needs to be more ambitious and bring home a better income so you can afford a cleaner.
Bottom line - do not have another child with this man. You're already under water.

Holy fuck! Checking for dust on high places?

I remember breaking down to dh and saying I couldn’t keep on top of the housework.

he went straight round to a neighbour and got their cleaners number.

saved my sanity, honestly.

He is checking for dust? Seriously? He sorts his own washing - what about yours and baby's? He and his mother are being very unreasonable. Go to your groups, look after yourself and enjoy your baby.
Your partner needs to wise up and his mother needs to shut up. You are a person,not a housework machine xxx

Tell your partner in no uncertain terms to duck off!!!! Not sure if swearing in this thread would be removed 😂 and your MIL to boot. Anyone who hasn’t just birthed a baby doesn’t get an opinion. Good luck handling those insensitive rodents

Please keep going to the groups, I agree I have to get out of the house each day with baby to keep sanity.

Can you afford a cleaner from family funds? We have started using a cleaner as the number one cause of arguments was cleaning and it has helped take the pressure off massively.

No my DP doesn't expect home cooked meals every night. We split who cooks each night and I always make something from scratch but double it so I can reheat it the next day.

a normal and concerned mother or even friend would offer to help. not berate a struggling mother for not making dinner. useless idiots

This is awful. If he's deliberately going out of his way to look for dust etc then he sounds like a bit of a narcissist IMO that preferred you vulnerable and under his control. From your description it doesn't sound like you shirk your housework at all. If his concerns rose from an unhygienic and unsafe home that would be different but it sounds as though you are doing a great job! His mothers comments are frankly disgusting and out of line, I wouldn't be waiting for him to put her in her place I would stand up for myself and tell her her opinion is neither fair nor invited and you will spend your time how you please!!

Wow. I'd have told him and his mum to fuck off

This makes me sooo angry reading this!!!
Im sorry but your partner and his parents are totally out of line.
Your baby is only 4 months old and cannot be left alone yet for you to do chores anyway. No one expects a house with a new baby to be spotless.
Do not give up your baby groups.
If the chores are really getting out of hand and your partner feels like he’s doing too much then perhaps you could relook at the distribution of chores when he’s not at work in the evenings and weekends whilst he can look after the baby. Or perhaps if the in laws are so concerned then they can step in and help!

I did have dinner cooked. But the house was a TIP 🤣 we got a cleaner.

I’m so sorry, a new born colicky baby can be exhausting, especially with the broken sleep. It seems as though your DH is complaining to your MIL who is in turn feeding into his negativity. It sounds as though you do a majority of housework and cooking and they are expecting too much of you, please continue with your groups, for your mental health, don’t be swayed xx

Haven't read all replies so apologies if its been covered. Is it your first child? Do you have pets? Genuinely how much house work can there be?

4 month olds sleep a lot still & dont really move so i highly doubt theres masses of toys everywhere - and I get it also get it, my second was an absolute arse and wouldnt sleep day or night unless he was attached to me.

Highly recommend a sling for the baby, a dishwasher if you dont already have one and a robotic hoover - what other housework can there possibly be that puts pressure on your other half?!

Also - if maternity isnt a holiday, who is paying you for providing fulltime childcare 😁😁😁

I didnt just give him chicken burgers. I topped them with a nice cheese sauce and jalapenos and I made a nice dressing for salad. When I gave them to him I said its like nandos! He laughed and said if he wanted nando he would go after his work

Bloody hell, there’s no pleasing him is there? I’d be delighted with a meal like that being cooked for me!

I'm so sorry this has happened.
I had a traumatic birth which resulted in PTSD and a referral (eventually) to maternal mental health services. They are both completely out of line to suggest this. If you were going to medical appointments because of a physical injury I doubt they'd be saying to stop those appointments and do the hoovering instead.
The MOST important thing is to get yourself well mentally.

Your MILs comments are insensitive at best, potentially downright cruel. The housework is not as important as your health. If things are getting seriously out of hand then maybe your PIL might help out, or help with the cost of a cleaner rather than adding to your stress. And trust me a cleaner is a LOT cheaper than private therapy.
Maybe I'm not as impartial as I could be but I've met oh so many mothers who needed compassion and understanding from others not judgement.
X

Taking a baby to a class is not the same as leisure time. It is sociable and good for wellbeing, but it is still taking care of the baby. If he wants leisure time child free in the evening and also does not see the child during the day, when is the OP getting child free time?

Coping with a clingy baby is far harder than most jobs, and getting out of the house is priceless (which the working partner gets fk do). I used to say I went to work for a rest (and I was a secondary school teacher so fairly full on work in its way).