To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

You are doing brilliantly OP and are a fantastic mum by the sounds of it....especially as you've got the added burden of having to deal with this hideous man and his mother xxx
I'm sorry to say this but he sounds abusive and controlling. My ex would accuse me of starting arguments when in reality he just didn't want to take accountability of his own bad behaviour....so couldn't cope when I would point this out or ask for fairness....and instead would flip it around and accuse me of starting arguments....it was totally mind bending and confusing and had me questioning myself
I thought I was going mad. This was 20 odd years ago when I hadn't yet heard of gaslighting. I wish I understood what was going on back then... Please Google red flags of narcissistic behaviour and see if anything reasonates with you. Take care sweetheart xxx

She even made dig to him that baby groups good and will help baby development so they aren't clingy or whinny men he says u talking to me she goes if shoe fits. He mentioned once to her after I said she can come to a group with me when she visits that she will be amazed as they didnt exist when I was younger. She laughed and said honey ur mum must be a dinosaur or chained to kitchen to never gone to any. He always storms out she just laughs

Your mum is an absolute legend! 🤩🤩🤩

Brilliant stuff, I’m glad you’ve got her in your corner

I haven't read all your posts (if there are more than the two I've seen) but let's clear up the apparent confusion. You have stated that both baby groups and coffee with friends are definitely leisure time. They are not. In OP's case they are a mental health intervention. In addition, as in everyone's case, they are - due to baby's presence and the absence of another parent - providing child care. If there is a leisure element, it is secondary and should not count the same as DH spending time on his own. This you imply. Do you have a double standard favouring men?

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread... didn't realise it was so many pages long lol...glad to see that his abusiveness has already been pointed out:) :) :)
If he's a narcissist, op, he wil NEVER take responsibility or admit he's in the wrong.
NEVER. Go with your gut. Not with what he says. It was he does (not says) that tells you all you need to know. Good luck xxx

The health visitor recommended groups as she was concerned about your isolation. She wants to see you alone as she is concerned you are being controlled. You may want to consider your birth control method so it cannot be interfered with. You need to keep doing things outside the house short term and long term should consider leaving this man. None of this is normal.

I literally made homemade nandos last week it's a treat meal that usually makes ppl happy unless they are entitled arseholes picking a fight over nothing! He's a spoiled brat.
Throwing food also is an absolute no no. These two posts have said a lot about his true colours OP, he's a spoilt, cruel child. Initially I thought the relationship was salvageable but overall am thinking you'll be better off solo than you will with this excuse for a man, you'll feel like you're raising two kids if you stay by the sound of it.
You're much stronger than you know OP, sending hugs & you're not alone - speak to your mum x

Your mum sees through him - spot on, trust her she's worried for a reason & she was also spot on about his mum. Defo agree with other posters he's probably a narc x

But you made your original comment about a woman with PPD, a 4 month old baby and a toxic arse for a boyfriend.

Not about your husband. Not about your brother in law.

She is at home looking after a baby human who is demanding all her time. It is that simple.

Abusive men love women pregnant, vulnerable and ground down.

This is NOT a man to have another child with.
This is a man to not depend on.

Your mother sees his nasty abuse.
Take care of your contraception if you can bear to actually have sex with him.

Be clear to him you will not tolerate his treatment of you.
I wouldn't all his mother visit.
She upsets you.
Tell him to see her on his own.

You need to be very firm.
Get back to work asap and earn your own money.

Bad men are never to be trusted.
Keep your mother close and tell both everyone the truth about him.

How big is the age gap?

Your partner is an arsehole and so is his mum. Honestly, I am disgusted at the pair of them

Do not stop going to the baby classes, put yourself and your baby first because clearly your DH and MIL won't.

And longer term? Run. When you feel up to it, get away from this sexist pig

Oh honey... this is coercive control.

He should be pleased that you have found a way to improve your mental health and are making friends, unless he feels threatened that in doing so you will realise how oppressive he is.

The first year of a baby's life is all about the mother and baby bonding, babies don't even understand you are not one person and he/she needs you. You shouldn't be wasting time on high level dusting and gourmet cooking!

I wonder how much cooking, housework and DIY he would be able to get done if home alone with the baby for a week...

Not read full thread but sounds like he is asking advice from his very old fashioned mum. So in her day she would stay at home all day, cook, clean, look after baby and no groups. So she is expecting you to be the same as it was in the 1970s or whatever year he was born. Things have changed and he needs to realise this.
Go to the groups every day and do what you can before going or afterwards. Your mental health sounds much better with them.
Cleaning including toilets on need to be done once a week and that can be done on a weekend when he is home to help you. Obviously is baby is sick or makes a mess weaning you clean that up but hoovering, polishing etc can be done on a Saturday or Sunday.
And no one cleans on top of the wardrobes! I haven't cleaned mine in over 10 years and that is moving house with them dusty at the top. Removal men just put in new house.

Hey darling.
I am genuinely very heartbroken by your post. It feels like you have been constantly dragged and demeaned by your husband and his family and that is not right. The constant nitpicking over every little thing is disgusting especially when you are looking after a newborn and recovering from giving birth! Your groups are there to help you recover your mental health and you need this even more since you are surrounded by people looking to make it worse. I know you’re upset with your mum but it feels like she can see what you can’t. Do not push her away she is on your side!

No, don't drop the groups down
Housework will always be there and he'll live. As long as everything is clean for baby. Let him tidy up his share you're a mum not a cleaner.

Sorry - he was getting fed up of the sandwiches YOU WERE MAKING FOR HIM. wtaf!! You have a huge DH problem im afraid. I can't believe he is expecting uou to finish bits of decorating too when you are parenting a 4 month old. What a knobhead.

Me too. I feel angry on OPs behalf tbh. What a family she has married into!!

Good grief. My DH would be disgusted by this man’s attitude - I don’t think it would occur to him to check for dust and in twenty years he hasn’t once moaned about making dinner. He’s not perfect by any means, but he is respectful to me, always. OP there are many lovely men in the world, but it sounds like your DP isn’t one of them. Decent men don’t belittle or demean their partners.

Just to show you how it worked for my family. I didn't cook while on maternity leave if my husband wasn't home. Fine, I would prepare food for our baby but most of the time those were leftovers or something really easy and quick to do. I did spend loads of time outside with the kids as that was helping my mental health and also the kids.
Maternity leave can be very difficult at times. Please take care of yourself. Happy baby and happy mum.
Oh, and I wouldn't tolerate my in-laws "having a word" with me. If they are so worried about their pumpkin-son then they can take a mop and help out.

You have a 4 month old and he thinks you do nothing but is already keen for another?

Yeah 2 things there:

1. He does not do anywhere near enough for this baby if he thinks you being pregnant and then having 2 babies in the space of just over 1 year will be easy.
2. Abusive men want you pregnant lots fast. With one baby you can go back to work and leave him for not pulling his weight. 2 babies just about a year apart? Back to back mat leaves, suddenly childcare is more expensive than what you earn working so why bother, stay home and maybe have another when second starts getting more childcare. Well thats you locked down for the foreseeable.

I really really feel for you. Four months is absolutely nothing; I was still in massive pain and could hardly walk due to my c section still being painful. Why is everyone ganging up on you about fecking housework?! Sorry OP but I think your partner sounds like an absolute arse. You are cooking, cleaning and doing everything! Take care of yourself! If he wants a show home, he can do it himself or get a cleaner in. You are looking after a helpless tiny human your body has just gone through the trauma of giving birth, and this twat is going on about home made curry?! Ffs. I'm angry with him on your behalf!!

You’re mum is a legend, you need to send him back to his mummy and tell her to fuck off, I wish you and your baby health and happiness x

How is your counselling going? Are you attending regularly? Attending groups 5 days a week does seem rather excessive. Is there something at home that you don't like being around, or is there a particular trigger for you at home? Whilst the social aspect sounds like it's doing you the world of good, it can be exhausting getting you both ready and getting you both out every day, especially with such a small baby. Perhaps ask yourself why you're struggling to be in your own home at the moment.

As for house work and cooking, maybe take it in turns each day to complete these tasks– partner cooks and straightens up today while you look after baby, tomorrow you do those jobs while he looks after baby. Gives you some time to have Velcro baby off you for a while and gives partner the chance to do his time with them.

I remember having PND with my last born and I loved being able to nip out to the supermarket alone, once their dad came home from work. It was my half hour to have my hands free and just be me, not a milk bottle. Maybe you could take the dog every other night for a walk and have that time to yourself.

It will get easier and you will pick up. I had a really traumatic birth too and it stuck with me for months and months, until I had counselling and talked it all out. I hope you're able to attend your sessions regularly, as they really can make all the difference.

DH needs to stop running to mummy when he finds dust in the high places. MIL should have offered to help you, not criticise you. Both of them need dealing with.

Were you diagnosed with post-natal depression/anxiety? Leaving the house for a couple of hours a day is healthy. Usually when you come back you are refreshed and more able to cope. You are doing things - your partner could help with the deeper cleaning if it annoys him so much.

When a baby arrives a new normal has to be found, timescales and priorities change and your partner gets to help with that.

For me to cope I have some daily things, eg
one wash done and out/hung up to dry;
dishwasher emptied in morning/put on at night; squirt bleach in toilet/quick scrub.

When I’m able, I spend 10 mins in each room.
When I’m extra able I sort dinner after breakfast ready to put on. (def not all the time for me)

Some people can do it all, I was never one of those people. Tell your husband to man up and stop running to mummy- to help you find a solution at home (maybe a cleaner once a week to reach the dust🙄)

Please start making your exit plan - I hope your family are able to support and you can go and stay with them whilst you can disentangle yourself from him. He is abusive and his mother sounds awful. I’d get away from him asap.

O. M. G. Please do not cancel baby - groups as The Emotional benefit and happiness will be felt by your baby and help them to developed into well- rounded individuals. This confidence shows when they themselves move into their own journey through NURSERY CLASS, INGANTS SCHOOL etc. I found it was more important to get up and get out every day than stay in and do chores. Life from 4 pm was busy at home, cooking Dinner, bathing baby..Dishes always piling up but my focus on soothing my baby at night. I've known others who just sat their toddlers in front of the TV all morning but I dont agree with that. I ve found my approach helped my baby relish going to nursery class and have fun mixing with others as she did it from birth. I made a lot of friendships which lasted a long time and led to a good social life. Please Do not give up Baby Groups.