To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

LOL

I feel sorry for you - these expectations are mad.

can you leave him with the baby for a full day and go out, and see what he gets done!

Please dont laugh at my abuse x

She is not laughing at your abuse, she is laughing at his outrageous ( and outdated ) expectations !

OP. Both your partner and his Mum sound awful.

Your MIL needs to shut the fuck up. Stupid cow. And your partner is a piece of shit for allowing her to say that to you. You need to do whatever gets you through the day and if that’s a baby group, you must keep going. I’m two months PP and also struggling with housework. We’ve just employed a cleaner for 4 hours a fortnight so I only need to worry about laundry, baby care and a quick wipe over of surfaces. Is this an option for you? My baby is fairly easy so you really must be struggling. Hope it all works out for you xxx

I think both parents need to be equally responsible for the child in life. the Mother and the father.

When you were working full time did you also do all the housework? When? In the evenings?

he needs to accept that you’re both busy from 9-5 so you need to share who holds baby and who does chores in the evening. Just tell him no you won’t do chores instead of baby groups it’s not up for discussion.

I think he should move in with his mum he’d be much happier

is he paying you a big chunk of money to cover your mat leave?

Op I don’t think he cares about your wellbeing at all the way he is picking on your new friendships I think he is worried about you building up enough confidence and support to leave him

What kind of contraception are you using op? This is something you need to be locking down as a priority.

I was a sahm and while the dc were small, dh came home every evening and got stuck in to whatever needed doing. He absolutely wasn’t expecting to do less than he had as a bachelor - he could cook and clean for himself before we got together. During the period where I was waking multiple times a night, he either did the first or last feed of the day, and left breakfast ready for me and a sandwich in the fridge for my lunch.

As things got less intense with the dc, I took over more, and his life got easier but we’ve always been in it together. The house got chaotic at times and at one point we hit on the idea of him taking over bath and bedtime in the evenings, while I cleaned and tidied with my earphones in. It was one of the best things we did - helped him get more confident with the dc, helped them bond with him and gave me a break of sorts.

For a number of reasons, I stayed a sahm when the dc went to school, and then dh did get to enjoy the hot dinner on the table lifestyle, with most of the housework taken care of. That just wasn’t possible in the early years.

I’m not sharing this to be smug- I’m sharing what a good man does, what normal expectations of support should be. We were also tired, cranky and had our rows.

There’s nothing normal in what you’re describing. Searching for dust up high is borderline sociopathic - or at the very least deeply weird. You might not have the headspace right now to think clearly about your situation, relationship and future, because right now you’re in the trenches. But one day soon it will start to get easier, and whether you’ll be able to forgive him (or her) remains to be seen.

For now though, the most important thing you can do is to ensure that your contraception is rock solid and securely under your control.

Op I don't often say it but he's an arse. Who the fuck does he think he is the Sergeant Major checking for dust? Chuck a duster at him and tell him to deal with it.

I'm glad your DM is coming to visit.
Don't be scared to have a wee visit to your mums too.

His mum is a twisted bitch. Does she realise that you could up sticks and move?

BTW Poster above made a very good point about contraception. Straight after birth you are very fertile. It's not unknown for abusive men to keep their women pregnant as a form of control.

Oh okay. Sorry. Ive been thinking alot tonight and feel on alert.

I started back on contraception a few weeks ago. He is keen for another as am I but want to enjoy mat leave with baby and not being pregnant and want to get back to work for a bit too. At this rate I dont know if we will have another if there is no change. Sorry again, ive had alot.to think about tonight and I am possibly overthinking with that poster reply. Sorry

His behaviour is concerning.

Your baby needs you and you need your baby. This is a time for bonding.
Going to these groups is important for you and your baby. A happy mum has a happy baby they go hand in hand.
This man is gaslighting you. His behaviour is controlling. He does not want you socialising.

He is a street angel, house devil behaving well in front of the health visitor.
Your health visitor wanted to see you on her own because she is suspicious of his behaviour. You should arrange to meet her.
if your mil is coming to check on dust in your house I would suggest she stays away.

He is a man baby going to his mother about house cleaning. If it bothers him tell him to do it, or is he the man that expects you to do it.
i think you might benefit from undertaking the Freedom Programme.
Your health visitor will be able to give you guidance on it.

Your priority right now is you and your baby, enjoy every moment.

Lovely, I am actually really worried about you. This doesn’t seem like a very fair, very equal or very loving relationship.
Your mum may annoy you with what she says, but she is right. He is a man child, treating you like his household appliance.
Your job, right now, is to look after your little child (and yourself). He should be supporting you in that. He should make your life easier, not harder. You should be a partnership dealing with the difficult early years together. You absolutely should not be worrying about whether your banana bread is good, or enough, or whatever, or whether his sandwiches for work are right!
It is lovely to do nice things like make lunch for each other, but you didn’t sign a contract. He doesn’t employ you.
In basic terms, believe it or not, he is not the boss of you.
He really needs to understand that or you will have to move on.

I know!!! Checking high places for dust!!! Wtf?. He sounds abusive! Cleaning tops of doorframes etc is a spring cleaning job and CERTAINLY not something that is a priority 4 months postpartum. What an absolute prick he is!

Your mom sounds brilliant. He should go marry his mom and she can make him home cooked meals every night and be his cleaner. He is an abusive bully and you need to run for the hills.

He will never agree with you that's it's abuse. Why would he?

I'll be interested to see which way he goes next in the abusers handbook. It'll be either a) you go back to work and he still thinks 100% of the housework and night wake-ups are your responsibility or b) he suggests you give up work to have another and cuts off your way of earning escape money.

Please do not have another with this man.

I cannot underestimate how much you need to be strong and leave him.

Your updates show that he is being a prat.

Maternity leave is to recover from birth, care for and bond with your baby. You are doing more than the bare minimum.

WTAF

You have a colicky child AND A DOG AND HE IS CHECKING FOR DUST

Shove the duster up his arse.

Next time MIL starts, burst into happy tears "oh you're so so kind!" And shove a box of cleaning materials into her hands and go out with your child, weeping "thank you so much. I'll never forget your kindness"

She raised that arsehole, she can pander to him.

When I had two babies (16 months between them, my husband came home and said “Have you had a nice day, have you been out?” When I said that I had been home all day, he said that he thought I must have been out as nothing had been done at home. I didn’t argue, just went a bit quiet. A week later, the place was a tip. He asked me if I was okay. I told him that I was fine, I had just been doing what he had accused me of the previous week- nothing! That’s the last time he ever said anything similar.
we had a talk about it and he became more understanding, but then he was a decent man. He helped me get the house back to normal. Your husband is different. He’s abusive, and I think you should get him out.

This man is abusive @Burnedoutmama

He has thrown banana bread at you, checks for dust, gets his mother to pressurize you, has tried to prevent health visitor meeting you one on one, wants to prevent you from spending time with your mum one on one, is now trying to isolate you from new mum friends you've made.

Please keep going to baby groups and seeing your new friends. Please don't have anymore children with this man. Please try to leave him. In the meantime keep talking to your mum, and your new friends, and us on here.

Wish you all the best 💐

You are doing nothing wrong. My DH cooked at last half the home cooked meals on my maternity leave and I batch cooked the rest at the weekend.
Its impossible to have a freshly cooked homecooked meal at home waiting.....and honestly why should you!

I had chronic fatigue.... and my baby woke up a lot in the night so actually being able to get dressed, get out and go places took a huge amount of energy for me but I would force myself so that my child could get some stimulation outside of the house...it definitely didn't feel like leisure time until I actually got there....so no I wouldn't class it as leisure time. I actually found it far easier in those earlier months to stay home, stay in my PJ's, do essential cleaning and prep dinner