To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Are you breast feeding love?

I suggest you tell him you're going back to work and he's going to have to find a full time nanny who is also happy to be a full time cleaner/housekeeper and a personal chef for him, as he clearly thinks that this is an acceptable amount of work for one person to do on whatever salary he can afford to pay them with his important job.

i think on the surface 5 days a week seems like a lot for baby group but honestly you weren’t in a good place. Your partner doesn’t seem to be getting it at all. Your mil sounds aweful. Your mum disrespecting your husband isn’t great either. Op hugs and you possibly need therapy to unpack what you really want

He is telling you he doesn't want his mum knowing your business, but he goes to her and complains about you!!! Your partner doesn't seem to respect you or want you to be happy.

Absolutely not!

Please show him this comment!

When my husband got home, I handed him the baby and took a solid half an hour to take a bath or a shower, relax and decompress. Then, I would take the baby back and he would go and make the dinner for both of us and wash up, which is how a real man behaves when his wife has just had a baby and spent all day looking after them- they do not go running to their Mummy and whining that no-one made them their din-dins and then complain about dust!

You are a full grown man and a father, pull yourself together and start doing your job. When your shift ends and you get home, her shift ends too and EVERYTHING after that is 50/50. She did not have time to be scrubbing the toilets, she was caring for YOUR child that you created. Clean them yourself.

And for the record, I am not in the slightest bit miserable, I'm very happy, because I'm not married to a babyish man-child who created a baby and then was shocked that his life changed.

OP I hope you are OK. Your posts are giving me red flags! You sound like a great new mum.
I took yself out walking for hours and hours when I had little one and it took a while to get on top of house work again ( I am very messy anyway). If a comparison helps I went to 2 or 3 baby groups and met up with a baby mum friend once a week. And my DP ( who can be a selfish tit) was actually encouraging me to go out and we were pleased to just have some food in the evening!
Please talk to your health visitors ( without partner) amd keep taking to your mum.
As other has said mat leave is for bringing up your child not house work leave!!

As others have said this is abusive. Honestly each of your messages piled more and more evidence onto that fact. He's gas lighting you and his mum's enabling it. Your mum is on your side and sees through him but not necessarily in the most helpful way for you.

The HV saw his coercive and controlling behaviour and wanted to check you were OK. Why does he think HV's don't help dads? He didn't express any desire for help but you're clearly struggling post birth. Of course she should focus on you not him! He IS a man baby if he wants his life exactly as it was before he became a dad. Life doesn't work like that! And yes, for now his needs come last. Baby first, then mum, then dad.

You're the main care giver. Parenting a baby is a full time job! It's not a holiday! Going to baby groups is supportive from people who are in the same situation. Men don't see how hard it is until they face the relentlessness for weeks on end.

My DH is very tidy and was pissy when he came home to a messy house. I did as much as I could but it was relentless like the caring I was also doing. He was between jobs for a couple of months so I went back to work early. After just a couple of weeks he apologised and said he understood why it wasn't possible to do everything around the house AND care for a baby. I don't suggest you give that level of responsibility to your man baby but childcare is not as easy as you're making it look!

I would think long and hard and talk to your mum when she visits to understand if there's any future in your relationship. Me, I'd bin him off. You've already got one baby, you don't need another.

And his mum only making him single portion dinners? She can get in the bin as well! What an awful thing to do when you are full-time caring for her grandchild!

He's a misogynist. End of. Nasty piece of work. Don't let him shame you into thinking it's your fault. It's his and he knows it

Her husband should be doing all that - it should not be delegated to another woman. The OP’s MIL did not have a baby with the OP, her partner did.

I don’t think 5 days a week to go to baby groups is excessive as it works for the OP. I only went to one a week, but DS’ dad was supportive and I didn’t need more than that. I thank christ the OP has found some lovely friends and is getting in to a routine of getting out of the house every day. She clearly needs it.

I went to loads to keep me sane, and DC happy. Also, my house was freezing 🙈😄

This man is going to break you, not the baby. I suggest if you do actually see a future with him maybe some relationship counselling to really clear the air about what is reasonable or not.

Flowers grow in dirt and the housework etc will still be there long after this precious time with your newborn. I was hellbent on a perfect house when my first was born. Made myself incredibly unwell in the process and now after many years realise I missed out on vital time with her. Tell your mother in law that you will show her where the cleaning supplies are the next time she visits. Your husband should be on your side no matter what. You will find a routine eventually that works for you, all in good time. Ignore everyone’s negativity and do what you feel is best for you and the baby. Time goes by so fast. Don’t waste it cleaning. X

He said sorry. I said we needed to have a chat. He said what about to told him I was surprised he had said that, its about everything and thread. He said he used to watch his dad do same. He said he doesnt understand what I do all day. I told him its that attitude that make him sound abusive. He has now went away to Google abuse as he said I have it wrong.

The fact he is wanting to talk is a good first step. Hope you guys can compromise

Op don’t show him the thread. Show the thread to a therapist or someone at a domestic abuse charity. Someone who can help you. He is not a reasonable man and will not act reasonably to any issues you raise with him.

at face value his comments are about housework or cooking or you not doing your share, but in reality it is all about control. His mother is his flying monkey. Your mother sounds like a good judge of character.

keep going to the baby groups. You are going to need all the support and good friends you can get. And contact a domestic abuse charity. This is a long pattern of emotional abuse. Best of luck Op.

You have it completely right OP. You are not wrong.

he’s going to come back with Darvo (deny, attack, reverse victim offender), gas lighting, deflection and blame shifting. Look up these behaviours. Learn to recognise them. So when he does these behaviours you can remain calm and remember that you are not the problem.

Tell him to go back to his mums, is he mistaken somehow that we’re in the 1950’s? !

if he wants a clean loo, he can surely manage that!?
has he forgotten that you’ve grown an human and Velcro babies are both incredible and incredibly hard work. And they don’t stay Velcro babies for ever!
I think he’s jealous that you’ve managed to find something that keeps you as you and you happy for your baby that doesn’t involve him scooping you up and ‘saving you’.
he has issues and his mum had her chance at parenting and look how well she did with that!! Remind her that she raised an unsupportive dated bellend.
if he thinks it’s so easy to look after a Velcro baby, do house work to his standard, decorate and have a home cooked a meal ready for your return. book yourself a spa day and leave him to it.
you do what is best for you and your baby- happy mum = happy baby
he needs to give his head a wobble and be proud of everything you’ve achieved and continue to smash every day!

Your mum clearly has the measure of this specimen. Your HV can also tell he's controlling, this is why she wanted to see you without him, because she wanted you alone to ask about your relationship. She can see the signs of his controlling nature, so can your mum.

This man is horrible, so is his mother. Can you go back home to Scotland when your mum comes? Start afresh near your family. You really do need to leave this man, he's awful.

And I don't know who advised you to show him this thread, but they were utterly stupid, considering this thread raises several red flags for control and abuse.

I mean this kindly OP, but please wake up, this is not a safe environment for you and your baby to be in. Get away from him.

How many 'baby groups' do you go to, Burnedoutmama? I can't imagine it is every day.

It sounds as though you do quite a lot at home. My only child will be 47 this year and I did a heck of a lot less than you have described and that was without any groups. I did shop and cook, laundry etc but hardly any cleaning unless I spilled something. I used to sleep when my baby slept, that took priority.

My child was colicky and it was dreadful, it started when he was three weeks old and ended when he was three months.

If the baby groups really do help you, keep going, you are entitled to something for yourself and it's good for your baby too. It's not long since you had him or her for goodness sakes.

I your husband thinks the house is not ship shape, get him to hire a cleaner once a week for a couple of hours. You are not a skivvy.

This.
Sending hugs, don't cut yourself off from your support groups, and come on here for support too we are all here for you.
He needs to be a man and stop moaning to mummy like a schoolboy.

He sounds like an absolute w*er!!

He’s an absolute cunt and as a Mum to only boys I think your MIL is a nosy, overstepping bitch. I would NEVER ever talk to a DIL like this EVER. The way your husband and his mother are treating you is disgusting.

You are doing a really good job. Truly. And your groups sound wonderful. You’re doing what maternity leave is for, bonding with baby. You aren’t the fucking maid and you already do far more than most new Mums I know did or currently do (myself included!!).

Id stop making the arsehole ANY meals and there’s no way in fuck I’d be doing any laundry or anything else for him. I’d be doing things for me and baby only. I don’t wash my own husbands laundry and he often cooks for all of us. What does this sad sack of a man actually do for YOU a brand new mother.

Agreed. His mummy is drip feeding him old fashioned crap that he shouldn't have to sort his own food out after work. Also, wtf about "sort own washing out" there is no own washing once you live together, he needs to just do laundry regardless of whose it is.

Him looking at high surfaces for dust would have me throwing stuff at his head.

Do not stop the groups, I worry you're being isolated so they can cut you off from ppl who will tell you that they're full of shit. Who cares if the groups weren't a thing in her day - things change.

Your MIL sounds like she's trying to take your share of the power and decisions in the relationship. Don't allow this, or you will be miserable and inevitably it'll end in divorce. He needs to understand, he's married to you, not his mother - tell him this and if he doesn't like it he can frig off back to her.
She sounds like the clichéd, insufferable "boy mom"!

1 Your DH and his mum are absolute knobs.
2 Go to your groups
3 Tell aforementioned knobs that the Health visitor has recommended the groups and will intervene if you don’t go.