To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Do not give up your groups- the biggest predictor of a child's welfare is Mum's mental health. Your MIL needs to butt out or maybe offer to help if she's that concerned. Shame on her for not supporting you and remembering how hard a new baby is. Mothering is hard- emotionally and physically. Do what you need to stay sane- you've got Mumsnet cheering you ! Sending solidarity xxx

This is quite funny! Mumsnet is a place where people agree with you?! He clearly isn't familiar with Mumsnet then!!

He is abusive. You should never show an abusive man where you have gone for help. But that’s done now.

You need to make plans to leave. Or chuck him out.

Hopefully your Mum can help you, although it sounds like it would be helpful to stay in the same area near the friends you’ve made.

Good luck OP.

My exh also thought baby groups were a waste of time as he wasn’t getting value from his domestic appliance (me) if I was there.

I haven’t read others’ replies but just wanted to say he is being horrible to you and so is his mother. Listen to none of them and do exactly what works for your re baby groups. In years’ to come, your only regret will be not prioritising yourself and your baby in this. And don’t waste any breath on his mummy, just don’t give her another thought, she’s not worth it given the rubbish that comes out of her mouth. Whereabouts in the country are you? I am also looking to start baby groups in the next couple of months

They are dehumanising you and treating you like a cleaner/cook, etc. and certainly not like a beloved spouse.

He is older than you?
How much older than you?

Controlling men often go for naive younger women due to women their own age not tolerating them.

He may have targeted you.
Tell the Health visitor everything.

No wonder your mental health is shot. You're trying to deal with your mental health issues AND manage a household AND maintain your lifeline AND you've got a partner and his family getting on your case to abusive levels all while caring for a new baby apparently on your own. You sound absolutely bewildered. This isn't good enough. Women deserve better.

There are so many things I want to tell you to do but I will just echo what everyone else with an ounce of sense and a foot in reality has said - focus on yourself and your baby. Your partner's focus should be on supporting you to do that but like a long line of men before him he is lacking. His family and his mum in particular sound awful and you are well within your rights to tell her to back off.

I really hate how motherhood has become synonymous with cleaning. Really hate it.

sweetheart...keep going to your groups! Baby has a better mum because of it (I mean this in the most positive way) as it makes you feel better. They are only little for such a short time and if baby wants to be in arms for most of it, please enjoy it!
Men can act weird once a baby is there, it will be a tough period to go through, most couples have a (very) rough patch.
Your OH and MIL are very unreasonable and dare I say sexist in their ways.
Let him organise a cleaner if he feels better in a sparkly house. You are only 4 months pp! Mine is 20 months and I have no family / help around and our house certainly has looked better, but my boy is my priority. As long as the house is somewhat clean, we can wear clean clothes and are fed, that will do for now.
Please keep at it and remember, you birthed a tiny human, you are more powerful than their silly digs at you. X

Go to your groups. It’s better for you, and that means better for baby. My husband does half the housework as he is half of us as a couple. Your husband should pick up the slack x

Sweetheart, you are already absolutely smashing it for someone who has such a small and fussy baby. I wasn’t making home cooked soups and baking when mine was that age! If I remember correctly, I’d hand him to his dad as soon as he came in from work and then go and cook dinner which I was happy to do as I needed a break from the baby and I enjoy cooking. But his dad would have cooked if I had asked him to!

Men like that don’t change. They just don’t. I’d like to see him swap places with you and take full care of the baby all day. See how long it takes him to beg mummy for help.

@Burnedoutmama Baby groups are a life saver! Don't stop going. When i had my first i also had no one else but DH (now ex). I would have gone mad without the baby groups. I went to every single one there was. Being a new mum without support is so isolating and pnd is not a joke. It can be dangerous for you, baby or both, so you do whatever you can to keep your head above the water.

Your dh is a dick. He is abusive. My ex was the same. He used to call me a microwave-mum because i would only manage to warm us both a microwave meal after looking after colicky baby all day and night with no sleep. His mum criticised me too. Saying i should be cooking fresh every day. It is nothing but disgusting behaviour. You would need their support, not house inspections. But i dont think you'll get it from them ever.

I’m not surprised you’ve had a rough time. You don’t have a baby problem, you have a dh and mil problem. What a horrible pair.
Keep going the baby ground to keep your sanity. Not sure what your mil thinks she’s going sticking her beak in? Dh needs to man up instead of swinging in mummy’s apron strings.

@TidyRaven

you just stayed home?? Did you not meet up with friends, go to gym, that sort of thing? What activities did you do besides cooking and cleaning?

Sorry but I agree with this.

Hi lovely, just wanted to post to say that I could have written alot of this post myself. The traumatic birth, postnatal counselling and support from mental health team, input from HV, recognise need for peer support and bonding. We attended baby groups 4 out of 5 week days and they kept me going. Velcro babies (twins) regularly meant the bare minimum was done to keep us all healthy(enough) and safe.- You are not alone or 'got this wrong' you are taking the advice of professionals and recognising for yourself the positive impact these groups are having for you (and baby!).
Gently, your partner is being very unsupportive and maybe lacks understanding of the difficulties associated with birth trauma and low mood post partum. Could the HV or your maternal psychology team maybe help him to have a better understanding of this?
It sounds from your further posts that you are getting a lot done where you can, do you have anyone around who can support you with the 'big things' M/L maybe?
But please please keep going to groups/friendly coffee meetups. The rest will come with time.

I'm usually for being respectful and welcoming to MILs, but this is not ok. Sure she didn't have baby groups (actually my UK family did, and that was the 80s, guessing your partner is younger than me), but advice changes.
Why can't she help, instead of criticising (yes, and her husband!) if it's really that bad?If it's just not perfect, it can wait until you're back at work, and your partner can help too. If it's dangerously unhygienic, family should help instead of criticising.

Just because you are on maternity leave, doesn’t mean you all of a sudden become a ‘housewife’ I’m assuming you are on maternity and employed? There is a reason why you are off for this period…. to look after your gorgeous little baby, not him! re the mother in law - I agree with others, she needs to be taken down a notch or two. You poor thing, some women forget what having a new born is like! Or perhaps she was never as invested as you OP. Be strong - enjoy the baby groups. You may only get this time once so try and enjoy. You don’t need any excuses, I wouldn’t say a word when challenged. If they can’t see the obvious, that you are overstretched and doing your best.. then no one can help them. x

He said I am wasting time with meals and groups when the big things aren't getting done like washing the toilets and finishing the little bit of painting I agreed to do.
😂😂😂😂
Sorry to laugh @Burnedoutmama but OMG!!
Is he for real! Has he had baby for a day by himself? Does he do nights? Does he give you a proper break at the weekend?
He sounds like he doesn't have a clue, also he's stuck in the 1950s.

Is this the OP's partner?

If I was your MIL I would do your washing, do your drying and bring it back, cook or prep you a few meals a week and probably mow your lawn and vacuum round if you’d let me. Just focus on the baby and feeling tip top yourself. That includes naps

He sorts his own washing out and moans at you for not having cleaned the toilets? Throw this one back, honestly.

Where is your family, OP? You are so incredibly vulnerable.

This is coercive control.
please privately phone your health visitor, and /or women’s aid for support.
https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

None. Cars hadn’t been invented and it was safer to stay home and avoid cholera.

Interesting first post.

It’s true that men do flourish when women dedicate themselves to domestic servitude. It has long term ramifications, rarely as positive for for the women, of course, but they only exist as accessories for men, so no harm. I mean, it’s a mystery why we bother letting them go to school, really. Once Prince Charming comes along it’s all just nappies and blow jobs on demand.