To cancel baby groups to do housework failing as a mum / partner

[Burnedoutmama]

Hi
Please be kind. I have a 4 month baby who is colic sorry if misspelt and who wants to be held by me all day or cries. My birth was hard and I am still recovering now and attend maternity counselling (dont know correct term i was referred by hospital midwives).
I do what I can around house. Health visitor was concerned about my mental health and refered me to baby groups and what a difference. I don't have friends or family near so making friends especially with babies has been life saver. I go to 5 groups per week (mon to fri) sometimes me and other mums get coffee or go to someone house for coffee.
My partner says the housework isn't getting done and he cant stay on top of it all with his work. I do what I can but he says it isnt good enough and he is suggesting I stop going to babygroups to get on top of it. I thought he was being an arse but his parents were over at weekend and his mum pulled me aside when him and his dad were chatting and said my partner had mentioned the situation to her and she doesnt think its right to put this pressure on her son. She said baby groups weren't a thing when she had a family and I really need to rethink my time better. She said she understands I have struggled but I shouldn't rely on new friends to make me feel better. She said I am treating maternity like a holiday and back in her day that wouldn't have been allowed.
I was shocked. Told my partner and he agreed.
Help me have I got this all wrong.

Firstly, I haven't RTFT.

However, I had a high needs baby (she's chilled now she's 19). I also had post natal anxiety. I remember now going to baby groups (we had Sure Start back then and a centre at the top of the road so I went to everything). I remember the time spent with my baby at the groups. You know what I don't remember? How many times I hoovered or dusted or cleaned the bathroom. It is maternity leave, to recover and bond with the baby. It isn't housekeeping leave.

It makes me really sad to think that a mum with a new baby is getting this low level of support from her partner.
He should be rushing in wanting to know how you are as the mother and how the little one is managing and if the colic is still bad.
He should be washing his hands and then spending a little time getting to know his child.
By holding the newborn and trying to gently pat her back to see if he can get the trapped wind out.
I know men who do this. Who wouldnt care if the dishes werent done or the laundry etc.
To imagine someone can condescendingly run a finger along a high surface for dust is beyond belief for a parent of a newborn.
It indicates a bizarre attitude and a total lack of understanding. I was hoping the post was just a windup . Otherwise this mum needs to get away from this callous man ( if he exists in reality!)
TidyRaven maybe you belong in a different century !

He’s a cunt. So is his mother,

guarantee if you kick him out your mental health will improve. Also, keep going to the baby groups!

You MIL and DH are out of order. I mean who would have time to do all the household chores and cook dinner if you had a full time job? You'd both have to share all that. You need to find your own routines and social network as a new mum and tell your DH that's not negotiable and he needs to tell his mum to but out.

Well tell your partner it's not 1957 and his idea of a cooked meal waiting for him when he comes in is delusional. What a moron.

Sweetheart - listen to your mum, and the health visitor. I used to volunteer with women who were suffering domestic abuse and coercive control. None of this is right or normal, or your fault. It's so tough when your mum is making jabs at your DH but she must be struggling seeing her daughter treated this way. It's not right at all.

Don't tell DH any more - is there anyone who you might be able to go and stay with? You said your mum is in another country. Are you getting maternity pay? Could you confidentially speak to the health visitor advice line? Worth speaking to a charity that supports women suffering coercive control. Keep it all close to your chest, don't tell DH or MIL. Just see what the professionals are telling you.

Bloody hell op i have been reading your posts. First of all as a mum of 3 I would say baby and toddler groups really helped me a lot and as my kids got older they loved toddler groups. We got into a great routine and as they became toddlers we did morning groups had lunch when we got home and they had a 2 hour nap so I could tidy etc. I am a huge advocator for these groups.

Secondly your partner is not very supportive at all and his mother is interfering. If she can see you are struggling she should be offering to help not putting you down. A baby with colic is exhausting and often cannot be put down so getting things done is really tricky. Why are you putting up with this man and his interfering mother? He puts you down, is not supportive, not helpful so not even really a partner just a hindrance. His mum is interfering and rude. What would you tell your child to do if as an adult she was in a relationship like this?

Your partner is an arsehole. So are your inlaws. Appalling behaviour from all of them

the best thing for you just now is to be outdoors and about meeting other humans and socialising

fuck the housework

if he doesn’t like it and can’t be arsed to do it himself he can lay for a cleaner

your mental health and wellbeing comes first

Go to all the baby groups and tell the dickhead and his mother to fuck off - how dare they !!

Yes, my mum told me she went to groups and I know had lots of mum friends to keep her going and that was decades ago too. So needed. The baby should be going straight to dad to do some parenting when he gets in not him expecting to be waited on with dinner on the table every single night after OP has been primary parent all day. Some of the DHs outlined on here are just stuck in another era!

^ This OP. If you can get away from him you and your child will be so much happier.

I really feel for you @Burnedoutmama dealing with your DP and his horrendous DM. As other posters have pointed out there are many red flags in your posts and you will obviously need time to digest the realisation that your partner is abusing you. I had a similar experience with my now ex-husband, he was awful during my pregnancy - constant complaints over lack of sex and maid service as I was bedridden with morning sickness during my twin pregnancy. I didn't see at the time how abusive he was being to me until my twins were born and things escalated and I kicked him out on my first night home from hospital when they were 4 days old. I divorced him at the earliest opportunity and he hasn't seen my DT for 3 years. He also involved him DM and she told me I was mistaken and that he wasn't abusive I was simply tired, hormonal and over sensitive. I think the main problem with these men is they can't cope when the baby comes and they are no longer centre of your attention. Your DP sounds very controlling and your HV has definitely picked up the dynamic if the asked to see you alone. I would imagine she referred for groups as she could see the impact he is having on your mental health. I didn't think I was being abused until my midwife went through the DV questionnaire with me and I answered yes to most of the questions. I also well remember tying myself in knots trying to do do things to keep him happy then apparently that was also wrong and he would also say it was me causing all the arguments between us. I absolutely love your mum - she is spot on and no doubt he will try to drive a wedge between you to limit your support, my ex-husband tried to drive my sister away as she saw him for the prick he was and he didn't want me having any support. I hope once all this has sunk in you can figure out a way to leave him. I've been lone parenting for 5 years since my DT were born and whilst it is incredibly hard it was a million times better than still being married to him. Good luck x

You need to contact a domestic abuse charity.

Don't hesitate to contact the police if you feel threatened.

This is a reallybbad man and the health visitor knows it.

No doubt she will have made notes to that effect.

Talk to your GP.

He is a controlling abusive arsehole with a horrible mother.

Keep in close contact with your mother.
Think about going to stay with her.

I rarely remember to come back to posts on mumsnet but yours has stayed with me.

As others have said please contact Woman’s Aid https://womensaid.org.uk/information-support/

They have a bit to check if it’s abuse. I hope you can find some peace tonight.

...or just show this thread to him and the MIL? 🤔

OP, your husband (and by extension his mother) is HORRENDOUS. He sounds like a nasty, selfish prick. Are your eyes open to the fact he is abusing you? That isn't normal behaviour. Do you have the means to leave? He doesn't give a shiny shit about you or your mental health. I really think you would be a million times happier without him. You're doing NOTHING wrong. You're looking after your baby and yourself. Fuck him. He can do the cleaning himself.

Go to most of the groups maybe miss the odd one but housework is never done and boring so get out of the house and enjoy yourselves

Just read all your updates.

he really is hideous and abusing you.

do you want your child to grow up thinking this is an ok way to treat women?

you need to get out

The more you say , the more i think he is more than an arse he is actually abusive!

no wonder your MH is ropey

I had severe PND with my first and you sound so similar to how I was. My mum friends and groups were my life line. I can remember vividly turning up on one of their doorsteps and handing my DS over in tears. Do not stop going. I haven't been to groups this time around and I've really noticed the difference (but thankfully no PND this time). You're also working a full time job. A colic baby is no joke. I really think you need to talk to someone (perhaps HV) regarding your husband and his family as it seems there is a lot more to it than just housework and your priority is keeping you and baby safe.

I also just want to mention something called the organised mum method which I discovered when I had PND - it's such a useful tool to keep on top of the housework. My husband and I have a shared calendar and each day is listed on there for one of us to pick up (whoever can!) and we also add in tasks such as put xxx in the slow cooker, packs boys lunches. It shouldn't just fall on you. You're doing a lot more than I do most days.

Op I’m genuinely worried about you. You sound incredibly young and I get the feeling he may be older than you.

xoercive control comes on slowly and in a way that you almost don’t realise it’s happening. What he is doing is slowly lowering your confidence by going around the house and finding fault, whe you actually do something nice for him he will put you down and make you not feel good enough- that is a sure sign of someone trying to lower your confidence. Now he is trying to take away your support in terms of the group. He wants you isolated. Although I agree with your mum I would urge her not to hose him as that could give him ammunition to try and get you to distance from her. Op if you can I would look at seeing if you can contact someone like women’s aid safely or even seeing if you can stay with anyone.

She's the problem here. I can't believe she said that! He is an ADULT, who I am sure is capable of feeding himself after work like literally everyone else who works. If you didn't have a baby and you were at work all day too, who does she think would be getting dinner ready then? I think he needs a few days on his own with the baby and see how much dusting high cupboards and diy he gets done.

Wow!! He can cook his own fking meals. And make or buy his own breakfast and lunch. This is the 1950s.

You are on maternity leave, which is for recovery and bonding. Yes basic house work needs to be getting done. But when he is home he needs to pull his weight. If he thinks something is dusty ha ca get a duster.

Tell his mum to keep her opinion to herself. You didn’t ask or want it. If her son is hard done by she can have him back.

My husband would come home days and I’d still be in PJs and felt an achievement that we got the day and I managed to eat. He’s say, no worries I’ll was up and we can order take out.

Also op is he wanting you to go back to work or trying to convince you to become a sahm?

Tell him mumsnet is a huge resource for women (and some men) who are talking of all kind of things, many light hearted. I shared on your thread how wonderful my husband was post partum, 50/50, with housework and in fact did all of it post emergency section for me. There's a happy woman for him to read, perhaps he'll contemplate why you had to come here to talk and find perspective.