Moral dilemma - hen do

[CatttS]

I’ve been invited to a friends hen do - she’s a good friend but I’m not tasked with organising (thankfully!).

The itinerary has been shared and one of the proposed events is a male stripper show.

I’ve told DP in the past that I’d be upset if he was to attend a strip club, and whilst this isn’t strictly the same, I don’t think I’d be happy with him attending an equivalent event.

Everyone who has replied in the group chat has said how excited they are and are looking forward to it.

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her.

YABU - you need to decline
YANBU - Attend, don’t tell DP, it’s a white lie

Sounds hideous. Stay at home with a good book.

I’d only be lying if he outright asked me if I was going to a strip club and I replied ‘no’.

If there was no such agreement with your DH over strippers, would you want to go to this?

Are your reasons for not wanting DH to attend strip shows because you view it as disrespectful to you, to be ogling at other women?
Or because you see it as exploitation of women?
Or both?

Personally I wouldn't want to do this anyway, for many reasons, one being I would hate to be part of a shrieking giggling group pretending that smutty jokes and waggling dicks are hilarious, and worse if there was any almost-contact, yuk, cringe. And I would say in a friendly breezy way 'I'll sit that one out - I've always wanted to go to the '''nearby fascinating geographical feature or museum anyway" and on further questioning "Oh you know me - can't be trusted near a naked man, don't want to embarrass you" or "I can't trust my feminist principles not to emerge at the wrong moment and ruin the whole thing for everyone"

Check what it is exactly, usually it’s more of a stage show wearing not a lot as opposed to what happens in a strip club, they are not equivalents, though I still would opt out myself, stay in a bar for extra drinks! You may find others would prefer to do this too

I just hope you won't mind when your dh omits saying he's been to a stripclub for a stag. He will def find out somehow sooner or later and I can't believe you are willing to risk your marriage for a stupid hen do. But you do you...

Just to add - hes a DP not a DH!

OP - if he is accompanying you to the wedding he will find out. Someone will mention it or make a joke about it.

Does it make a difference?

This is a very odd thing to lie about - lies of omission are the same thing really. I can't work out what the issue is here really - either neither of you get to decide what the other person does, or you shouldn't do it as you set this boundary up for him so it makes no sense that you shouldn't do the same.

It's a really silly reason to blow up your marriage honestly.

So what? You've invented some rule that he must abide to but you can do what you want and lie to him.

DP or DH, you're obviously willing to blow up your relationship over it so it doesnt matter what he is to you

You’ll be lying by omission if you attend without telling him. That would be a major breach of trust for me and LTB territory as mentioned upthread.

a magic mike show isn’t the same as going to a strip club…you probably need to be clear on what it actually is

Oh no don't be a hypocrite OP! This is awful double standards AND lying. Not a good look for a relationship

Fully agree that a male strip show and a female strip show are completely different things, on just about every level you could care to name apart from ‘people removing clothes in a suggestive way’.

The asymmetry of power (physical, social, financial etc) being the biggest difference.
And historically, women have tended to go to male strip clubs in a group, with the purpose of having a laugh together. (Obvs YMMV as to whether a chap with the aesthetic of a well-basted Christmas turkey thrusting a polyester-clad groin in your face is entertaining 😏)

Can’t think of any woman who would go to a male strip show on her own, whereas the reverse is not true of men.

I went on a hen do years ago that had a surprise male stripper after the meal. It was so so cringe. DH didn’t feel in any way miffed or slighted about me witnessing it - because of the fact it’s a completely different thing to a female stripper performing to a group of blokes.

Anyway - good luck OP! And hope the wedding goes well too.

Oh that’s alright then 😳

If you wouldn’t like it if he did similar, don’t go.
Don’t lie by omission either.
It’s not something I’d be going to personally - does t sound like my cup of tea but I appreciate people like different things.
If you want to go then tell him but don’t get all huffy if he did the same.

Hiding going to a strip cub would get the exact same response - for good reason.

OP you sound really quite horrible.

How would you feel if went to a strip club and lied to you?

You’re lying by omission and your double standards are astounding.

Don't lie to DP about it anyway. That would really annoy me.

I know you said it is a large chunk of the day. But how much of the day? Can you not meet them for dinner?

Or if you want to go talk to DP about it. I have been to strip club with women strippers - it was very uncomfortable in a leery sort of way and men taking sexual pleasure from it. I have been to a hen with a male stripper, it was very uncomfortable in an embarrassing sort of way with mostly women thinking it was sort of funny

I think you need to do what you'd expect him to do if things were reversed. You can't have one rule for him and one for yourself.

If its the main part of the hen and you can't just go to the other bits then I'd bow out and make an excuse. But ideal option is tell him, decline the strip show and attend the rest.

It's not a white lie (no such thing) it's a lie. Would you be happy if your partner lied to you?

You need to tell the organiser that you can't attend a strip club event so you can't go if that's all it is, and let the bride know.

You are either opposed to strip clubs or you aren't, and if you aren't then you have to let your partner go to them.

That's ok then....!!
Sounds like he can go off to a strip club then if lying is ok with you

The crap a bloke would get on here for suggesting if oh doesn't find out its fine

No itd still be lying. Guess its easy to see why you don’t trust your partner when you don’t even see lying as a problem yourself

You'd LIE?? Really?? Wow, that would not be my go to. Either it's not a hard line and either can go to strip club or it is a hard line and neither go. I'd assume my DP would feel as mildly uncomfortable at a strip club as me. Shame on you!