Moral dilemma - hen do

[CatttS]

I’ve been invited to a friends hen do - she’s a good friend but I’m not tasked with organising (thankfully!).

The itinerary has been shared and one of the proposed events is a male stripper show.

I’ve told DP in the past that I’d be upset if he was to attend a strip club, and whilst this isn’t strictly the same, I don’t think I’d be happy with him attending an equivalent event.

Everyone who has replied in the group chat has said how excited they are and are looking forward to it.

I could potentially not tell DP about it and attend. I don’t want to come across as awkward by declining to attend and it’s my friends hen so I want to be there to celebrate with her.

YABU - you need to decline
YANBU - Attend, don’t tell DP, it’s a white lie

Same here, absolutely. Excuse yourself from it, OP. It's not something you want to do

I'd duck out of that bit of the day. I would find it totally and utterly cringe beyond belief. Could you not say you meet them for dinner/drinks? Maybe have something unavoidable at that point if you don't want to say no outright

I've been to a few hen dos (fortunately no strippers, thank god!) when i have missed out on bits of the day. Variety of reasons, but 1 was a full day, with an activity iI just had no interest in in the afternoon. I was genuinely busy elsewhere, but had i not been I would have made an excuse and just met them for dinner and going out after (which i did). No ine was bothered in the slightest.

I doubt your dp will care as much as you think! He may even laugh at you being so uptight. I am surprised though , i thought these tacky shows at hen doos had long gone. Most hens are much more posh & extravagant nowadays.

I would not lie to my dh. I think he might not fully see the societal differences, and also I’d feel a bit uncomfortable about essentially objectifying the men on the stage so I’d probably say ‘sorry all, I’m not a prude but I know my husband has skipped this part of stag dos (because he has) and I think I owe him the same. I’ll be there for the rest and look forward to it!’

"I’ve told DP in the past that I’d be upset if he was to attend a strip club, and whilst this isn’t strictly the same, I don’t think I’d be happy with him attending an equivalent event."

Why isn't it the same? Sounds exactly the same to me.

If you have hard lines, you have to be prepared to live by them.

Bollocks. If you think they're the same you haven't thought at all.

I still wouldn't go to one, but to pretend it's the same thing is idiotic

I'm not sure women are the oppressed gender. I'd say female strippers get paid a shit load more than male strippers. Given girls do better in school, outperform men financially in graduate jobs (until they have children), I'm struggling to follow your oppression narrative.
Nevertheless if you think that strippers are being exploited by their customers, you really don't understand the economics of it.

Ah, yes. Oppression is typically measured in SATs results and stripper wages.

😂😂😂

I’ve told DP in the past that I’d be upset if he was to attend a strip club, and whilst this isn’t strictly the same, I don’t think I’d be happy with him attending an equivalent event.

Of course it's the same thing. It's exactly the same thing

“I can’t wait for the hen do! It all looks so fun 😊 I’m going to have to give the stripper a miss though. They make me feel so uncomfortable and embarrassed. Hope that’s ok with everyone”

If you lie it’s worse than any of it imo. I think talk to your husband about it

Have a conversation with your DH. Find out what he thinks.

My DH probably wouldn't want to go to an actual strip club, the type that does lap dances etc., and neither would I be very keen on him going.

But I would not be bothered about an individual stripper on a stag do, and he wouldn't be bothered about one on a hen-do. Neither of us are going to have sex with a random stripper.

I would rather give the stripper a miss, personally, but if it complicated matters to leave, then I would stay but slink off to the back of the room and chat to the others who have probably done the same.

But discuss it with your DH.

I wouldn’t go simple as that

It would a colossal double standard if you went.

People saying 'It's not the same thing because women don't get aroused at strip shows' are missing the point. The point isn't whether or not you get 'aroused'. It's still objectifying someone who is taking their clothes off for money, whether you're 'aroused' or not.

A lot of men don't get 'aroused' at strip shows either. Plenty of men who go to strip clubs on a stag do or whose friends book a strippergram for their birthday or whatever don't find the experience sexy at all - a lot of them are treating it as a 'laugh with the lads' type of experience or are comically embarrassed. But I doubt anyone who objects to their DH going to a strip club would say 'Oh, well, if you just laugh about the strippers and don't get an erection, then you can go', would they?

I personally wouldn’t lie to my DH about this. It’s likely to come up at the wedding at some point too in chit-chat about the Hen, and it could become a much bigger issue if you decide to not tell him and he finds out.

In this situation, I would let the Hen party know that you’re excited for the Hen, but that you’ll skip out on the stripper part as it makes you feel uncomfortable. No one will mind! And tell DH your plans. Small lies can make a big impact on a relationship!

I'd say on the chat that you want to sit it out. I bet others are thinking the same

I'd have a quiet word with the bride "no judgement, but uts really not my thing, so I'll sit it out". Nothing worse than attending an event that you are uncomfortable with, other than attending an event with someone else who doesn't want to be there.

I couldn’t be a hypocrite and not like my husband going to a strip club, and then me go to a male version. Either you’re both allowed or you aren’t.

I didn’t expect so many replies, I am struggling to keep up and read them all!

In terms of why I won’t speak to DP. I guess I’m worried he will say it’s fine and at the back of his mind it will give him a free pass to do similar in the future.

I am body conscious and he knows this is why I don’t want him to go to a strip club.

I do want to attend for my friends hen, it sounds fun, I’ve just got to come to terms with not telling DP. I guess it’s only a white lie, and he’ll be none the wiser as he isn’t on social media (not that I expect there to be many images from this event).

I think that's a fairly piss poor response, really.

Sauce for goose...

Is not a white lie. You are lying to your husband and honestly I hope he finds out. Specially because you are not okay with him going. Why is it different? So unfair…

Oh come on, So you're not ok with him going to a strip club but it IS fine for you to see a male stripper then lie about it?

I truly hope he finds out because you're being utterly shit over this.

Lying to a partner about going to a strip show is LTB territory in every other thread on MN. I think this is a horrible way to move forward.

I think it’s similar to that from the detail posted, it’s in an actual club with a stage, and audience participation, and I know the MoH has paid for an ‘extra’ package for the bride which I assume is her going on stage.