To think, 17 years on, my Mum could let this go?

[HowSharperThan]

'This' being that when I was 17, a few weeks before my Dad announced he was having an affair and wanted a divorce, I randomly saved all of his/ their financial information/ files/ spreadsheets etc from the family computer onto an external hard drive. When he then started being tricky/ outrageously dishonest about financial disclosure etc and had, it turned out, deleted all those files so she couldn't get a handle on anything, I gave her the hard drive and she and her lawyers were I think able to use the info about accounts he had etc to ensure he didn't totally screw her over.

She periodically uses this as evidence that I 'must' have known about his affair long before she did, and therefore should have told her. Or occasionally just as evidence of my cold, calculating and generally untrustworthy nature.

But - while I realise it wasn't exactly a great thing to do - I absolutely did not know he was having an affair, and have never really been sure why I did it at all!

The closest I can come to working out why is that I went in to the study to talk to him that evening and he was fiddling around with his spreadsheets, and he jumped and quickly closed the screen when I came in, as though he'd been doing something fishy. And that triggered a thought/ sudden insight that my Mum knew absolutely nothing about what he was doing with their finances, and that if he ever did leave or even die suddenly she wouldn't know what was what. So that evening after he'd gone to bed I just went down and copied all the financial files onto the hard-drive, and stuck it back in my room. I never looked at them or even thought about them again, until she was upset about all the financial stuff during their divorce. At the time I definitely didn't actually consciously think he WAS doing anything he shouldn't, and had no reason to distrust him. It was honestly just an impulse to do it, that for some reason I acted on rather than dismissing as bizarre/ thinking through that it was a bad thing to do.

Anyway this all got dragged out again today, as evidence of how I 'always' keep secrets and what an awful thing it was to have done. I know I shouldn't have done it, but also always feel slightly bitter that she happily used the ill-gotten information yet still has a go at me about it!

AIBU?

It was an amazing thing to do and a flash of excellent intuition - well done for being so brilliant when you were still so young.

Of course your mum should let it go, you don't really need us to tell you that. She doesn't sound like the nicest woman ever if she often accuses you of being deceitful and calculating...

Your mum is batshit and should thank you profusely

Wow, you've been here before! You did her a favour. Tell her to Stfu!

I would be proud if your intuition and instinct. It was an intelligent thing to do which saved her from her own lack of responsibility and understanding. She should be thankful and I would have no hesitation in pointing this out.

Your mum owes you and your intuition a big favour! I would give her some home truths and tell her you don’t want to hear another word about it. Talk about ingratitude!

Your mum is being absolutely awful here, OP. You, however, were a very smart young woman. You honestly should be hugged hard for doing what you instinctively did.

Give the same blanket response every time she mentions it... "would you rather I hadn't and let him financially screw you over?" Perhaps she'll get bored of saying it if you do. Might she be doing it to get a reaction, and best to ignore it? Though it must be difficult.
She should just be very grateful!
How odd for her to twist it like that.
I can completely see why you took that step after seeing him being cagey. It was intuition. Well done you!

“Mum if I hadn’t done that, you’d be far worse off, you should be thanking me. But it really upsets me that you think I’m a sneaky person who keeps secrets because of one thing I did as a teenager, what other evidence do you have that I “always” keep secrets?”

So have it out but then if it’s brought up again in future, something short like “we’ve been over this, you know I find it upsetting to be falsely accused of keeping secrets so let’s please change the subject”.

She's lucky to have you, and doesn't see it. But, I can sort of imagine that, having been betrayed by her husband, her teenager seemed more savvy than she was, which would feel gauling. She was probably asking herself how she could have been so blind. She's wrong, but it sounds like she hasn't got over the shock of the divorce.

She should be thanking you, not criticising you. It’s a shame she wasn’t as on the ball.

@HowSharperThan it was an awfully odd thing to do, so I’m not surprised she’s suspicious that you either knew or at least suspected he was up to no good.

If she believes that you knew (and didn’t or couldn’t tell her) she should also believe that from your actions you did clearly have her best interests at heart, should shit-hit-the-fan!

Yes, she should let it go!

Your mum is angry still and blaming the wrong person. And bravo, what a smart thinking 17 year old you were!

Poor you. I bet you wish you hadn’t protected her 💐

No good deed goes unpunished, as they say.

Do you think she might be suffering from some sort of MH problem, and she’s channelling all of her bitterness onto you?

She should be absolutely thankful to you and thanking you forever more! Not criticising you.

So maybe she shouldn’t let it go - in the sense she should forever see you as the one who saved the day!

Awful that she calls you deceitful and accuses you of keeping secrets. How downright nasty of her.

If your mum is a reader, give her a copy of Thinking Fast and Slow. This sort of quick, instinctive thought is well attested. She should be thanking you.

Sometimes you can know of something intuitively long before you 'know'. On some level you probably knew something was amiss, that simply means you have a good strong intuition and it happened to be correct. Of course that doesn't mean you factually knew his secrets enough to tell another family member. She is so wrong here OP, it's really poor form that she doesn't believe her own daughter. I don't think you can do anything to convince her otherwise. It makes me wonder was she the type to wrongly accuse her partner of cheating for so long that in the end he said he might as well.

It sounds mad to me. I can see why she thinks it's incredulous that you just randomly happened to decide to do that.

Spur of the moment curiosity is one thing, but to sneak downstairs to do it? Then to forget about it too? Do people even have files and files of financial information stored in their computers? I certainly don't. That might be why I'm so poor!

Yeah I think I'd be suspicious of you too. It's just such a coincidence if you didn't know. Of course it was helpful too, and she ought to be grateful that she had such a cunning daughter.

Maybe in future go with "I felt something was off and I acted to protect us. I had no facts, just a feeling that he was hiding something. That information was only helpful if my intuition was correct and there was something to worry about. Had dad not been dishonest himself then I wouldn't have had to use it. It wasn't my secret that hurt you, it was his."

Maybe that would shut her up?

If I were her, I’d keep bringing it up too. To thank you for being such an amazing daughter and saving our bacon. Honestly she should be eternally grateful to you.

OP I think your mum holds this against you because you are far more intelligent than she is and she doesnt like it. You saved her bacon and she doesn't want to admit it.

Sorry to be blunt but is your mum a bit… dim? If so that is why she’s suspicious of you and sadly she probably always will be. My mother had a TBI that impacted her intellect and has always been suspicious me/my intelligence and quick to accuse me of things, particularly when I was a teenager.

Have you explained what really happened? (I can imagine that you have done thousands of times!). I think she's displacing the sense of betrayal she felt from your Dad and putting it on you, which must feel even worse when you actually really saved her!

This ^
She should be profoundly grateful to you all these 17 years.

This. You're in the position of the best friend who tells her mate her "D"H is shagging someone else and is then blamed. Shoot the messenger.

Wow! What a clever, smart, intuitive seventeen year old you were. I am
in awe.
If I were your mother I’d never stop thanking you and hailing you as the hero of the hour. I’d feel indebted to you.
As is sometimes the way, wrong mother for a great child. You are wasted on her.
I don’t know how to say this without sounding disrespectful of your mother but, she needs a good boot where the sun don’t shine.
If you were mine, you’d be sick of basking in the praise.

You’re mum understandably has trust issues. Have you ever explained it this way to her?