Solo night away - dh not happy

[Twosugarsplzz]

Hello

I have an 11month baby boy. My mum has looked after him, one on one, a handful of times and had him overnight once (just a few weeks ago). He slept through (unusual!), ate all his dinner (again unusual!) And even let my mum brush his teeth. I was shocked but pleased. Anyway, two of my close friends are on annual leave and have asked if I fancied lunch at theirs in a few days time. I agreed. I checked if my mum could look after baby (as dh working) and she said yes. I would have taken baby but their flat is very small and they have a dog who i haven't met yet. My baby boy wants to crawl everywhere and I dont know this dog. My friends live near my mums house (i live an hour away from family and friends).
As mentioned, my mum said she would look after baby and then offered to take him overnight that same day too! I said no, I was only seeing friends for lunch. But then, after a few really bad sleepless nights, I thought, I could book a hotel and stay there while baby stays at my mums that night. She gets to spend time with grandson, she offered overnight, and I could catch up on sleep! I thought about asking dh to join but its too short notice for him to get time off work and then we'd have to think about what to do with our dog etc. I would have stayed at my mums but she lives in a flat and doesnt have much room. I would be sleeping on the couch. Or my mums room with my mum on the couch (i cant do that!).
So I was telling dh my idea of booking the hotel, room service, long bath, early night etc and he is really not happy. Told me its lazy and why am I desperate to get away from baby. I told him I am not and he told me I would be hitting the roof if other way around. I said damn right, cause you dont even do wake ups so yeah. He's now pissed at me.
We started talking again and he said he was taken back by my suggestion and he thinks its pretty selfish I would disappear to a hotel. He said I wanted a baby, as did he, so I dont get to just ditch him and go to a hotel whenever I like.
He is blowing this out of proportion but now I feel like shit. What would u do???

Well done for booking hotel! Explain to husband once your back at work and taking turns with night wakes , he will get what your needing just now (although still only 50% knackered)
It's childish and silly to react the way he did, but that's fine if he realises and thinks going forward, you have another 17 years of parenting responsibilities, don't let lots of little things like that build up to big issues , address each and everyone along the way, I promise you, it will be easier in long run. Drip drip of more and more responsibility/ restrictions can creep up without anyone noticing and harder to sort if all tangled up with expectations, guilt, he thought you liked getting up during the night?? Use that thinking going forward, explain how you do actually feel about stuff, where you need space/help and support especially before going back to work. Household rotas, childcare collection, hands on time immediately once home....if your 50/50 bills your same across the board children wise

She lives an hour away, so the logistics don't make sense for her to go back home to sleep then drive 2 hours to get baby back in the morning

Ha! Neither of those. I can see the attraction of having a child free night. I had iinsomniac twins who slept through at 3 and a half. I would like nowhere better than my own bed-especially if my husband was there. An hotel room wouldn’t appeal to me. The cost could be spent on a nice meal together.
we are all different.

But is your husband a dickhead like the OPs?

Do you get that different people like different things? And that ‘just have a good night’s sleep at home’ doesn’t acknowledge that?

It doesn’t matter. My dp isn’t a dickhead-that doesn’t mean that an evening of peace and solitude wasn’t appealing to me whan we had young babies. An evening when I had nobody to please but myself. A child free evening with a takeaway and leisurely sex was also appealing. It’s not one or the other. And if there was someone else who was happy to look after our babies and got pleasure from it, then why not? I got my solitude. DP didn’t have to hurry home for work, and Grandma had a lovely time. Win/Win/Win

Yeah but that implies that you'd be rushing home to said prick of a husband who has called you all sorts for "ditching the baby" to pleasure him and have a nice meal?

Context is everything.

Surely they OPs DP would just be vile to her when she got home to pleasure him anyway because he doesn't want her "ditching the baby".

You need 2 willing parties and he isn't one. I'd much prefer to stay in a hotel than travel home to him.

I agree with your dh. It is not healthy to do or want to do this when your baby is only 11months old. I say this for your own benefit. If you look at motherhood in this way, you will be forever thinking you need rewarded for doing the basic of tasks for your child. You need to look at your life in a new phase, not one that can ran concurrently with your old life.

It's not healthy for a child to go to visit with a loving caring grandparent? Really?

Why is it unhealthy for a mother to look after her own well being?

What did this person say??

Thank you for pointing that out. I did say opinions differ. AIBU to express mine when asked by OP? I was pleasant. I have a view.

Quite. I think someone who is doing ALL the basics including all the bed times and night wake-ups because her DH says he "thought she enjoyed it" does merit a reward.

Getting to the end of the first year of motherhood is like completing a big project. Plenty of women reward themselves for a promotion at work - why should this be any different?

Yes and people are going to have an opinion on your view.

‘A hotel room wouldn’t appeal to me’ is an opinion.

’Just have a good nights sleep at home’ is more of an order.

What did the deleted comment say from Monty? I am so intrigued

Honestly your post read to me that you've been burned and you think that's what's happening here. Hope you're ok ❤️

Glad that you are going. Hope there is an M&S or similar that you can pick up some nice snacks.

wtf is he like seriously ? I have a 9 month old and I’ve been on several nights away already and my dh has had a couple of entire weekends away with friends on stags etc and why not ? Just because you have a baby it doesn’t mean your entire identity should be being a mum and you need a break sometimes . Your baby will be absolutely fine for a night without you in the trusted care of your mum.

Please tell me this is a joke post. Every parent is entitled to the odd break. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that it is good for the mental health of the mum plus it’s good for the child for socialisation as well.

When our first born was about 4 months old my wife went on a weekend away with her mates leaving me with the baby. I didn't begrudge her, she works really hard (when not on maternity leave) and deserves to see her friends and have time to herself. Never once did I even think about questioning her commitment to the child. Admittedly I barely managed to get dressed for that weekend as it didn't really seem worth it. Just stayed home, heated breast milk and played and slept. Exhausting. Any partner who uses guilt to exercise coercive control, needs to take a long hard look at themselves.
Good luck

YANBU to have a night away and you don't need his permission - You just courteously tell him.

However, YABU to have double-standards if hubby booked a night away and you kicked off. That sounds selfish and entitled, just like your husband. Is that why you're together?

Opinions differ. “It wouldn’t appeal to me because I don’t like sleeping alone or being in hotels. But you go and have a lovely time, OP!” Is one thing. “Don’t go-just have a good sleep at home” is completely different.

Ive clarified what I meant by that comment. If youre not going to bother reading and just get nasty then u can bugger off.

If he does so little child care that he does not need a break or an uninterrupted night’s sleep then maybe you might have a point. However….

My ex used to be like this. How dare he! You need and deserve time to yourself. Enjoy it.