AIBU to think my friend is overreacting to my partner’s comment?

[Friendissue]

NC’d and first time poster in AIBU so I’ve got my hard hat ready!

I’ve had a text from a close friend saying she is upset with me and doesn’t want to speak to me for a ‘while’. Context is below:

-DP and I went for a meal with friend and her DH on Saturday night.
-Friend has been TTC for quite a while and had unsuccessful round of IVF
-I didn’t know it was unsuccessful until she said this over dinner, I was sympathetic
-Her DH was trying to be cheery, said they’ll keep trying
-Earlier in the meal he had said about his gym membership increasing in price and debating giving it up and using the free gym at this work
-DP referenced this and said ‘it sounds like you’ll be getting plenty of exercise at home so at least you can save on the membership’ to which the DH laughed.

Friend text me yesterday, said I should have spoken up and called out DP at the time (she didn’t say anything either nor did I know she was annoyed by the comment). She also said that her DH relayed a comment my DP said to him in a bar we went to after the meal and she found this to be ‘disgusting’ although won’t tell me what it was and DP claims to have no knowledge, although due to work we’ve only spoke via text.

I can understand why my friend is a bit sensitive atm but I find her reaction extreme. I cannot police what comes out of other people’s mouths, and I don’t find the comment DP made to be as inappropriate as is being made out. I would welcome outside views.

Well it doesn’t matter if you or I think it was offensive. Your friend was bothered so just talk to her about it.

I think it was a fairly harmless comment, but evidently she is in an acutely painful and sensitive place... so maybe its the right thing to do to just acknowledge how shes feeling, apologise and move on. Objectively I think shes being silly and over reacting, but if shes a good friend then a little compassion and making allowance for her feelings then you may want to keep in mind the bigger picture...

It’s a cringey and insensitive comment and I’d be really embarrassed if my husband said something like that, but you weren’t the one who said it so I’m not sure why you are being punished.

You're exactly right that you dont represent your DH, you dont operate his mouth so you dont control what comes out of it, you didnt find it offensive AT THE TIME, so didnt call him out on it. However you cannot say she is being unreasonable to be offended, or say she is being sensitive; that would be negating her feelings for the matter, she and only she can determine whether the comment caused her offense.

I'd say I'm sorry she was hurt and offended by what was said; I didnt catch it at the time, and try to determine how she wants to proceed.

I don’t know why men think making sexual remarks, however lightly insinuated, will go down well with women.

It just sounds like he thinks of your friend and her DH having sex and it’s on his brain.

However, your friend is unreasonable to blame you, you are not your DH’s keeper and it shouldn’t be up to women to keep men in check.

Tell her that you understand she’s upset but that she should be more annoyed at her DH laughing at the joke than at you, since you didn’t even laugh. Also ask her has she stopped talking to her DH over this.

Disgusting comment. Why does he feel the need to comment on their sex life? I'd be getting my ducks in a row.

I think his comment is a bit tacky and inappropriate. It shouldn’t be a friendship ending situation but she’s obviously vulnerable and sensitive at the moment.

I think she’s overreacting but I can understand why. I would just express empathy and say you’re sorry if it caused offence and leave it.

Chances are she will get perspective on it in time.

I would have a separate conversation offline with your DH about the appropriateness of making a joke in these circumstances. Some people make jokes when they’re uncomfortable. What’s harmless for some might be wounding for others and its just best avoided.

Well it was a pretty insensitive comment so I'm not surprised she was upset! And you don't know what his comment to her DH was so you can't make a judgement on that. You can tell her that you didn't realise she was upset at the time but you're not responsible for what your partner has said. Then I'd leave it and give her some space - she's probably feeling horribly emotional and upset at the moment.

Advising to leave her partner because he made one ill advised comment ? He may have been perfect for years but one mistake and it’s over ?

Well I disagree slightly - just because someone is offended doesn’t mean the comment was in itself offensive.( I think it was Ricky Gervais who made that comment. ). People cannot expect to go through life having the whole world accommodate their particular sensitivities. Only you know if she’s super sensitive normally or whether this is a one off. I’d leave her to it probably.

Just tell her you can't apologise on someone else's behalf for something they supposedly said when you've no idea what it was. If she's unwilling to tell you then what does she expect you to do?

Reiterate you've no idea about this 'disgusting' comment and neither does DH. That the 'exercise' joke was just that and neither of you had any idea it was hurtful. But obviously it was not his intention to be offensive to her.

Then just leave it at that. You didn't do anything wrong and I don't think your DH did either. If she wants to fall out over it then frankly she can't be much of a friend to begin with.

That’s a horrible thing to say.

I'd be getting my ducks in a row.

Imagine going through life being this serious and uptight 😂😂

I would find his comment inappropriate too.

It must be exhausting being friends with someone who can’t recognise an innocent clumsy comment. I would have eye rolled in my partner had said it but she’s being fucking insane for falling out with you over it?

Why can she bring up a comment made but not bring herself to say what it is? Seriously how do you come with this drama? Cut her loose ffs she’s hard work.

I think if it were me I’d just apologise and say you didn’t catch it at the time, but you will be speaking to your husband about his comments. But reiterate that you didn’t say anything inappropriate and you would like to still be close friends.

I don’t think what he said was that awful, but it’s a very sensitive time and hormonally charged also, so I’d give her grace. It’s also probably upsetting to her because they aren’t getting pregnant from loads of sex, so trying agin might well be saving up lots of money to have another round. My friends who did IVF have said a lot of things upset them during that time, things people who have had an easier time fertility wise wouldn’t think of

There was a thread the other day about things people do IRL which would shock MN users and someone said that they don't get their ducks in a row every time they have an argument with their DH and it made me laugh because it's so true😆

It's just a light-hearted joke FFS. A bit cringey and maybe badly timed but it's not crude or offensive!

A tactless, tasteless, tacky comment. I would be horrified if my DH said it, under any circumstances.

I think it was a silly comment, but also being ttc with one failed IVF round I can assure you your DP is probably incorrect as the whole process can do a real number on your sex life! 😅

It might be down to the comment in the bar that your DP has miraculously forgotten?

Bit ott. It's a well known thing to say when knowing that people are ttc.
The friend is sensitive because it's a struggle at the moment.
If you don't want to be upset by what people might say maybe don't talk to anyone.

It was an unfunny, childish comment.

Your DH should apologise and then I do think your friend should let it go.

It wasn't abusive or malicious, just pathetic, really.

I do find your husband’s comment gross but then I do think your friend has massively overreacted (expecting you to speak up then and there assuming you had an issue with it.) It maybe the additional hormones she is on? Talk to her about it.

I think it's an awful comment. I agree that you aren't responsible for what your H says, but I'm surprised you aren't more upset yourself - I would be mortified if I were in your situation.

I'm also surprised that other posters think it isn't a big deal? It's such a sensitive area, struggling to conceive, and to make a joke of it (plenty of exercise, haha etc) is just totally lacking in both empathy and manners.

I don't think your friend is being extreme, but I guess all you can do is say you'll talk to your H, you shouldn't have to take responsibility or apologise for him, though you can be sorry for your friends experiencing this.

I have known a quite a few friends who were TTC, I have never felt the need to tell them they will be having lots of sex to get pregnant.