AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

What if it comes and goes so he doesn't always have the Tena with him? As could happen for a woman and her period, for example.

He needs to visit a continence clinic where continence aids can be supplied on the NHS, or buy himself some if his finances permit.

I've never known a mentally competent woman of menstruating age who did not always carry a towel or tampon 'just in case'.

Unless your dad is an alcoholic and/or was completely wasted it isn’t normal to piss yourself. Given that you don’t say either I would be concerned about a medical issue. He tried to cover it up because he was embarrassed. Tbh I would be worried about him.

It’s no big deal to wash things with wee (or vomit) on in the washing machine. You will do plenty of this if you have pets and kids. My incontinent mum lived with me for a while and while she wore pads they sometimes moved or leaked. I have washed plenty of bedding and PJs with adult wee on them. It never occurred to me that they couldn’t go in the washing machine.

Then you haven't met many women and I can't believe you ask everyone you know anyway. I've helped out a few colleagues in my life and there might be many more who used toilet paper until they could get to the shop. I suppose you've never wondered why some public toilets sell protection then if everyone already has them.

I now carry something all the time because my cycle is irregular, but that's not the case for everyone.

God, I do wish people would stop going on about the washing!!

Op was upset, she binned the funking washing. I would have done the same!

Maybe, she's asking about her dad and why?

Kinda no diff from a toddler wetting the bed. I’ve never had that issue as mini blondes was dry at night early on and has never had an accident

but had many friends kids have wet the bed

that’s what washing machines are for

mine has washed sick and poo after I got noravirus

Ah, fgs

This

Oh don't be so dramatic. She's not been pissed over. Her Dad, who may or may not have bladder issues wet himself after drinking too much. It's great she's escaped domestic abuse, I've been there myself, and I'm pleased she's got her own space now. But to throw everything away and not be prepared to put dirty stuff on a machine designed for cleaning dirty stuff.....come on...thats absolutely ridiculous.

Just in case your DF was telling the truth - keep an eye on the dog for the next couple of days in case it's developing some form of UTI/renal issue.

Congratulations on the new life OP

I've washed clothes for homeless people before. And I've got a chronic bowel condition so it washes equally if not more grotty stuff on a very regular basis. My washer has lived to tell the tale.

It wasn't intended to. Sorry about that.

This and as frustrating as it is, you can buy solutions to remove the smell of urine. This is resolvable

I won't address washing/throwing out, as I think that's been covered now—but I'm afraid I wouldn't let him stay over again. If he's incontinent, he really ought to take precautions to prevent accidents when he's with you. Sorry, but I wouldn't invite him to sleep on my sofa another time. I'd meet outside your home or choose meet-up times that will mean he can make his way back to his own home.

Try not to let this experience sour your excitement over your new home. It's not ruined. You can clean it and make it your own again.

Yes, a grown man can 'pee on a living room floor'. There are occasional threads about it on here. Men (I'm sure women might too, but it does tend to be men) can get so shitfaced drunk that they think they're elsewhere, like standing in the bathroom. I don't know why they do it, but it is a thing.

You didn’t need to throw your throws away. Bung them in the wash, cold wash is best hot wash will ruin them. Put them gon a pre wash and add some distilled vinegar. It’s great for getting smells out. DD sometimes wets herself when she has a seizure and my house doesn’t stink of piss and it’s rare I chuck anything out.

Ask him to pay to have your car valeted.

Fgs! Would nobody on go about the fucking wash!! IT'S not about the wash!

I do the same. So pissed off (pardon the pun) for you…
My DH only has to walk in the door & the place is filthy!
Asked him to use a plate yesterday, WW3 erupted…

Going to agree with another poster here. OP is trying to create a safe space for herself and her children. Her dad upending things like this is a trigger for the past abuse. Its symbolic of how a perpetrator creates constant chaos and instability. OP has managed to get away from all that so it following her symbolically into a new safe space is extremely upsetting. I'm upset for her.

Telling her she's blowing things out of proportion, needs to calm down and pull herself together, plus "diagnosising" her with OCD and anxiety is insulting and an astounding thing to say considering she gave all the information needed to explain why this would be so upsetting.

Probably op has left this anyway and I don't blame her if she has. So much going on about the bloody washing!!

Well done for starting a new life. You’re entitled to police who comes into your house.

Throwing away items when you have so few and limited resources to replace seems a little ill thought through, but if that’s what it takes for you to find peace, so be it.

Good luck to you and your family.

He's the only person I feel any sympathy for in the story, without a lot more information.

Yep, it’s all the op’s fault that her dad urinated on the first set of stuff that she could call her own after coming out of an abusive relationship.

The lack of awareness on this thread of how anxious and easily triggered the op would be under her circumstances is staggering.

He was so drunk he fell over and sent a drink flying up the wall, and used the living room rug as a toilet, but whatever.