AIBU to feel furious after my father ruined my new home?

[Yousernane]

To be furious? and hate all men and not want another man in my house ever!!!
i need sound advice because i know im not thinking straight at the minute & my anxiety is through the roof.

I am 4 months out of a 20 year relationship with an abusive emotionally dangerous narcissistic. Spent the last 4 months in with family then emergency accommodation (which was disgusting) out of area with small children.
I have now recently moved into my first home
With nothing but clothes & a few toys. I have spent my last bit of savings on household items, and kindly been gifted some items to make my home a home.
I invited my father to come and visit, i bought and cooked lunch, he had a drink so i offered him to stay over and he has wet himself and then slept on my brand new sofa, all my new throws have had to be binned, he blamed the dog. My rug has had to be thrown out and my babies toy box.
i beleved it was the dog until after i took him home where i could smeall urine, all
my soft furnishings now smell
my car passenger seat too.
to top if off i have found stains on my walls/ ceiling it looks like coke or coffee.

am i overreacting? To be upset/ angry
do i say something or brush it off as an accident?

am i being unreasonable to say i hate men and dont want another man in my house

It wouldn't worry me! Washing dirty things is what washing machines are for. I could always run a cleaning wash, with an empty machine, afterwards, if I felt it was necessary.

I thought you were going to say he was doing DIY for you and caused the house to flood or partially collapse. Pee is bad but not house ruining. If you can't afford to replace everything clean and wash everything affected, you can also do a 'clean machine' wash on your washing machine afterwards there are products available that you just put in the drum, if that is worrying you.

You ARE being unreasonable, to yourself

It's really obvious why, and wholly understandable. But you need to play it like Elsa or you will taint your brave, bright new start

Sod him. Never let him stay in your home again. Meet him outside your house. Walk away when you need to. Do whatever it is to keep your new home feeling safe, clean, yours

Give yourself permission to let this go, for your own sake ❤️

i find this sad actually, clearly he was embarassed and blamed it on a dog. im guessing he has a health problem because no one is going to piss on the couch on purpose. he is your parent, you have massively over reacted and should be asking him if there was a way you could help him and trying to find out if theres a medical
isaue you could support him with.

also your washing machine will be fine, i did cloth nappies for my kids
and it survived for years 🤣

Does he usually drink /smell of it ?

you didn’t need to chuck throws but get why you did

i would be asking him to pay for sofa cleaning

The victim-blaming is high in this one.

I suspect he didn’t just have a drink, but was shit faced, and pissed on the rug or pissed himself then fell into a drunken stupor on the sofa. Whilst the throws could be washed, the OP was justifiably angry and binned them, she doesn’t want to associate the throws with disgusting behaviour.

OP, you now have a peaceful clean home, do not have your father back into it, meet him in a neutral place if you wish to maintain contact. Not all men are like this, I promise.

But I would keep them out of your home for the foreseeable until you have better male friends or can judge the good ones from the bad better. Take care, you’re doing great 😊

Oh come on. I bet half the people saying the OP should just wash the man-piss-soaked stuff and shut up wouldn't be at all willing to allow their washing machines to be used by, for example, a homeless shelter, where all the sheets and clothes are absolutely saturated in the stuff.

Not week in, week out, no. But as a one-off it wouldn't bother me. I'd draw the line at great lumps of some complete stranger's shit or vomit going into my machine, but a bit of urine wouldn't bother me. If it's absolutely saturated, just do a double wash, one straight after the other. Or run a hot, empty wash afterwards.

This is one cupworth of piss we are talking about and it's her own father's, so the 'eeeww' factor won't be that bad, surely?

I take it she won't be up for nursing anyone in their old age, then? She'll have no bedlinen or furniture left.

i find this sad actually, clearly he was embarassed and blamed it on a dog. im guessing he has a health problem because no one is going to piss on the couch on purpose. he is your parent, you have massively over reacted and should be asking him if there was a way you could help him

Actually I think he just got shit faced.

That's weird
You are entitled to be angry, BUT please acknowledge that

1. many people manage with toddlers, puppies or even incontinent adults all the time. Throwing things out not washing them properly was your choice, not necessary.
2. Adults who wee in places other than the toilet, are usually ill, and struggling to manage and are too embarrassed to tell anyone.

People who don't have alcohol problems don't piss themselves and ruin someone's soft furnishings, and then lie about it.

As a PP said, it could be prostate issues which he’s too embarrassed/ scared to talk about.

Some of them may be ill. A lot of them will just be drunk.

So many people on this thread are either being deliberately obtuse (so they can blame the OP in some way, as is traditional on AIBU) or have led incredibly sheltered lives.

I expect it was his prostate problems that caused him to chuck coffee/cola up the walls too.

Congrats on escaping the abusive relationship; that is no mean feat. If you are not in therapy, I recommend it, because it's not easy to come to terms with reality after 20 years being controlled and manipulated. It's like leaving a cult.

If your dad is a good man, please give him some grace. If he is not a good man, please talk to a therapist! It's very common for abuse victims to move from one abusive relationship to the next. If your dad was the first abuser in your life, you need to really see it in order to break the pattern. Hopefully, he is actually a good person who just had an unfortunate accident.

I think it's understandable that you are wary/ angry at men just now, but I hope you know that good men do exist. If you know that your dad is fundamentally good, I think you could tell him you need a bit of space from him while you process your feelings about men in general. I survived an abusive relationship and it took me a couple of years before I could even get in a car with a man, but now I really value the men in my life. I'm sure you'll get there too but it takes time.

I'd be bloody livid and tell him how much he owes you to replace things. I'd wash what I could though.

This is ridiculous behaviour. You can sanitise your washing machine and throws. A washing machine will clean itself on a spin without clothing and some Milton. You have created a pity-party and cut off your nose to spite your face. I think you need to get yourself some therapy, and your Dad needs a GP referral. Otherwise, this behaviour will get worse for the both of you.

He may not be able to help being incontinent, but he could wear appropriate underwear or not stay at other people’s homes if he knows he has this issue. He should have also told his daughter, he’s not a 5 year old!

YA definitely BU to throw everything away when it just needs a wash.

Of her dad - yes it is. I think there is a phycological element to this as well though, wanting to throw the stuff away and I can understand it.

You don’t want piss running through the washing machine? You have young DCs!!

YANBU to be annoyed this happened, I mean it sounds awful and if his drinking is causing him to urinate himself then he’s got a problem. But you’re being OTT with all the other stuff.

It’s not wrong for you to be upset but have you really thrown things out?
we had a brand new sofa just before Covid and our cat peeded on every single cushion - I was very ill so just took off the cushion covers and put outside undercover. 2 years later had a go at washing them with a product from Amazon and staining and smell went. Non natural fabrics do well with getting urine out. More hardy.

What if he's incontinent and can't help it?

He wears tena men - this is a booze thing though isn;t it and a shit show of a parent (pardon the pun).