How would you feel about this?

[MaryStP]

DH (43) and I (39) live in a big town, where he grew up. He has had a tight friendship group since he came back from uni, 3 guys and 2 girls, who were all very close and follow the town's football team regularly.

In their 20s, one of the girls met a guy and moved away. This was before I was on the scene. She is still in touch and I have met her, she came to our wedding, but isn't around in person much. The other 4 were then like peas in a pod for over a decade. Partners would come and go, sometimes stay, weddings happened, but the four of them stayed very close.

I met DH nine years ago and we got married 6 years ago, just before COVID came along. We have two young children. The other two guys were his two best men at our wedding. He is a great dad and husband, he has a good job and we have a good life. Although he is football mad and used to go to pretty much every game, home and away, he has limited how often he goes since the kids have come along. He still goes regularly, but that's always been his thing and I have never had an issue with it, even though I am not into football myself.

However, the dynamics of his friendship group have changed. Three years ago, one of the guys split from his wife and moved to Canada for a work assignment. He has met someone there and it doesn't look like he's coming back. Then two years ago, the other male friend was diagnosed with cancer. He passed away early last year and DH was devastated.

So now DH and the remaining girl are the only ones left in the group. They regularly go to football together. They have history - they dated in school (like age 14-15 so not serious) and slept together twice when they were in their early 20s. DH has never hidden this history from me and always insisted that they were never serious, any attraction was long in the past, and they are just close friends. I have never had reason to doubt him.

But now it's just the two of them left in the group and they spend a lot of time together, driving to away games etc. She is single with a string of bad relationships behind her. DH is the one she calls when things go wrong.

Over the last 6 months or so, I have found myself getting jealous and paranoid. When they were a group of 4 or 3, it honestly never crossed my mind. But now it's just the two of them, and the way she looks at him... I am sure others will know what I mean? I am sure she has always had feelings for him.

I tried talking to DH and he said he understood but he has lost one of his best mates and now she's all that's left from the group. How can I ask him to give that friendship up? He said if I was concerned about them travelling together then I could come along, but that would involve childcare arrangements and I have never been to more than about 3 games, I feel like it would be weird if I suddenly pretended to have an interest in a sport that bores me to tears. I don't want to be the wife that tags along to make sure her DH isn't f**king his friend. I don't know, I am emotional and lost. Mainly just scared. Sorry if this was long.

AIBU to be losing my mind over this?

Do you trust your husband, yes or no?

Well, you feel how you feel, obviously, but I'd be focusing on managing those feelings by whatever means rather than staging some kind of intervention. This woman is your DH's only friend left from the original tight group, and it's neither his fault nor hers that they're the last ones standing and the last two left following the football team that was what originally united the friendship group. I'm sure you can see it would deeply unreasonable to expect your husband, who is still grieving the loss of the other friend, to curtail his football outings purely because of the sex of the one remaining friend he does them with?

And honestly, based on my own feelings about men I slept with in my twenties and whom I'm still friends with and very fond of many years later, it's just as likely to be that she thinks 'Ew! I can't believe I did that with Steve all those years ago!'

If you trust your husband nothing is going to happen.

They've been friends for decades and a teen relationship and what were probably a few drunken nights in bed are long behind them.

You've trusted them together as a group your whole relationship, why does that change now its just a single male and female?

I will admit I have a bit of (bitter) skin in the game. I have a group of male friends who I've known over 30 years. As theyve all got married their wives have deemed it unsuitable that we ( there are 2 girls 10 boys) socialise together.

We may see each other with the wives 8 of which wouldn't be friends i would choose - but also hardly ever happens as we all have kids. Yet the guys meet up maybe once a month because arranged childcare isn't needed
Nothing would ever happen as I love my DH and these guys are like my family.

You aren't being unreasonable to feel what you feel
But you are being unreasonable to start now feeling that your DH is untrustworthy and his female friend has a secret agenda. Especially after the loss of one of their close friends.

Honestly think if he wanted to be with her then he would at this point. There’s been more than enough opportunity. This is such a long standing friendship with so much history, I genuinely wouldn’t worry. And I’m not normally a “cool wife” who’s ok with my husband suddenly striking up a friendship with the new office hottie, either 😁 this is totally different.

No you can’t ask him to give his friendship up as you’ve come over all jealous, but increasing their group size would be better for them. I’m sure she will meet someone else.remember if they wanted to be together they had the chance and decided against it.

so the first poster nailed it. Do you trust him or not.

I trust him as much as I could ever trust someone. But I can't fully trust him, because of me. It's a me thing, not a him thing.

When they were a group of 4 or 3, it honestly never crossed my mind. But now it's just the two of them, and the way she looks at him... I am sure others will know what I mean? I am sure she has always had feelings for him.

Based on what evidence, though? They went out in their teens and slept together a couple of times in their 20s. It didn't catch for whatever reason. It's perfectly possible she remembers it with amused horror now. Your DH won't have suddenly become sexually irresistible now that it's just the two of them going to the matches. He's just as likely to be familiar old Dave who had a terrible mullet back in the day and had very cold feet in bed in her vague memory, but for whom she has a genuine ongoing fondness.

Okay, so I have several friends from guys I dated years before I met Dh. I’ve slept with several of them. They are nice people. We keep in touch now on a condolences for bereavements or happy birthday to the kids sort of basis. Dh and I even went to one’s wedding and I am now friends with his wife too. They are lovely people. It’s all very aboveboard. I’d never hang out with one of them solo though.

They live far away because I moved far from home, so logistics just don’t work. But attending the wedding was fine. If we lived nearby, I can see maybe having them for Sunday lunch with partner in tow. But I wouldn’t go out to the pub alone with one of them. I respect Dh and our marriage too much for the weird appearance that gives.

so you have to get over that.

Because if my DH told me to give up a friendship with a man that i know under the same circs, i'd tell him to cope or leave.

If your DH wants to have an affair, he will. And you can't stop him. He has given no indication of that though, has he?

But surely if you know the dynamic is entirely one of old friendship, what anyone else might think is irrelevant? I absolutely see male friends I slept with decades ago one-on-one if that's what suits us. I mean, one of them I slept with in the nineties! We were both drunk and I have only the most fleeting memories of it. It really wasn't some kind of constitutive experience. It was a forgettable one-off.

It would seem to me insane to have one policy for male friends I've slept with decades ago and one policy for male friends I've not slept with!

If you know that, then you need to work on being okay with this, rather than ask him to take a step back from a decades long friendship that he has been open and honest about and that is meaningful to him.

When they go to away games do they do overnight stays OP or do they come back the same day?

I think it's a very difficult situation and I canrealkly understand how you feel.

I agree with pp you couldn't ask him to give up the friendship.

However if they have been supporting the same team for many years and they are loyal away supporters they must know and be on friendly terms with a lot of the other supporters - I speak from experience of once being a long term home and away supporter of a team. Could you not ask your DH to include other people in their travel arrangements, integrate himself and this OW into a crowd of the support so that they were not spending so much one on one time with each other? I think that would be a reasonable ask and it might set your mind at rest whilst being in keeping with normal football support behaviour

I’d feel the same as you. The dynamics have changed.

Also what stands out is :
“She is single with a string of bad relationships behind her. DH is the one she calls when things go wrong.”.

How often does friend message? Is it mainly about football? Ie. platonic level?

its good you’ve managed to have a grown up conversation with Dh and have made him aware of your concerns.

Can you ask him just to go to hone games, so they’re not travelling long distances together?

I’m sorry, that is so sad.

Thanks. To answer some of the questions, they do not stay overnight with away games, but they are back very late sometimes. They always go to away games together. I have never known one go to an away game without the other. They have seats together for home games (they both have season tickets) but I do know she has gone without him when he has sat games out to do family stuff.

I don't know what they message about as I haven't ever looked. I have been tempted. Really tempted. But then I feel like I am turning into crazy wife. I could check, I know my husband's PIN and he leaves his phone lying around if he is busy doing something else.

I guess all of this comes down to a question of what you're supposed to do with a 'feeling'? No evidence, no tangible reason to be jealous, just a horrible kick-in-the-tummy feeling.

Bit strange to get married and have children then?

Relationships are built on trust.

My gut feeling about this is that you are correct about the fact her feelings towards your DH are not platonic. We can be good at picking things up like this.

I would feel the same as you OP.

Rather than fighting this, accept it and ask yourself this : what do you think DH would do if she came on to him?

I think I’d be very irritated if I were your DH, this has been his hobby for years, one guys moved the other died and you now don’t want him to go with his remaining friend? Nobody has engineered this situation, it’s been fate. To ask him to give it up, or sit separately or travel separately is unfair.

I guess all of this comes down to a question of what you're supposed to do with a 'feeling'? No evidence, no tangible reason to be jealous, just a horrible kick-in-the-tummy feeling.

with respect? what you have to do is get over it.

Have you asked your DH? asked the actual question? is he so bloody amazingly attractive that this woman would be powerless to resist him? Are you so insecure that you think he wants a quick knee trembler with a woman in a football shirt? What is the actual issue here aside of your jealousy?

I'm not a "cool wife" but i don't have a jealous bone in my body. If i thought my DH was cheating, or having an inappropriate relationship i would talk to him about it. And if he told me he wasn't cheating? i would believe him.

I relate to this.

I couldn’t 100% trust anyone. It’s partly my personality type. No matter how happy, I notice things and worry. But I have firm words either myself too!

With this one though, I actually don’t think you have anything to worry about. That boat sailed along time ago and he’s with you.

But I do relate to the uneasy unsettled feeling. However until you have any evidence (and don’t go looking for it) you need to leave it alone.

How often are these 1-2-1s spending the day together?

When it comes to supposed friendships made at work or another parent from the school etc, I'm always suspicious. But this one has been since childhood and they can't exactly go to the match and ignore each other. I have female relatives who have male match friendships and they are just that. Likewise I have no feelings for any of my teen exs/school friends and would happily go to the pub, because we get on well. So in this case, I think that this is your insecurity and I rarely say that.

Yea no that wouldn’t fly with me. They have history, she has nothing to lose by trying something and she leans on him too much already. You can trust him but they have history

I understand why you feel this way but look at it realistically, what other evidence might there be IF he is cheating? When they drive to football games together do they stay overnight or return later than expected? If they answer to both of those is no then I wouldn't worry, where would they find the time? My husband has a season ticket for a local rugby team and he drives to a lot of away games, sometimes I go with him, I don't feel the need to worry about who he is with while there. If he has given you no reason not to you need to trust him, trust is so important in relationships and you will drive yourself mad wondering. Until you have a concrete reason to believe he may be or have been unfaithful you need to let it go. By all means she may be interested, but is he? He's still coming home to you.

Every couple of weeks or so. Whenever there is an away game they're going to. They do spend other time together as well, like he fixed her fence when it blew down in the storm a few weeks back, and he was at hers for a couple of hours.

Thing is, I know it's wrong to be jealous without evidence and be insecure about it, but I can't help it. Logically, he went round to hers and her fence was repaired, so I should have no reason to question anything. Maybe my post should have been asking how to silence the voices.