How would you feel about this?

[MaryStP]

DH (43) and I (39) live in a big town, where he grew up. He has had a tight friendship group since he came back from uni, 3 guys and 2 girls, who were all very close and follow the town's football team regularly.

In their 20s, one of the girls met a guy and moved away. This was before I was on the scene. She is still in touch and I have met her, she came to our wedding, but isn't around in person much. The other 4 were then like peas in a pod for over a decade. Partners would come and go, sometimes stay, weddings happened, but the four of them stayed very close.

I met DH nine years ago and we got married 6 years ago, just before COVID came along. We have two young children. The other two guys were his two best men at our wedding. He is a great dad and husband, he has a good job and we have a good life. Although he is football mad and used to go to pretty much every game, home and away, he has limited how often he goes since the kids have come along. He still goes regularly, but that's always been his thing and I have never had an issue with it, even though I am not into football myself.

However, the dynamics of his friendship group have changed. Three years ago, one of the guys split from his wife and moved to Canada for a work assignment. He has met someone there and it doesn't look like he's coming back. Then two years ago, the other male friend was diagnosed with cancer. He passed away early last year and DH was devastated.

So now DH and the remaining girl are the only ones left in the group. They regularly go to football together. They have history - they dated in school (like age 14-15 so not serious) and slept together twice when they were in their early 20s. DH has never hidden this history from me and always insisted that they were never serious, any attraction was long in the past, and they are just close friends. I have never had reason to doubt him.

But now it's just the two of them left in the group and they spend a lot of time together, driving to away games etc. She is single with a string of bad relationships behind her. DH is the one she calls when things go wrong.

Over the last 6 months or so, I have found myself getting jealous and paranoid. When they were a group of 4 or 3, it honestly never crossed my mind. But now it's just the two of them, and the way she looks at him... I am sure others will know what I mean? I am sure she has always had feelings for him.

I tried talking to DH and he said he understood but he has lost one of his best mates and now she's all that's left from the group. How can I ask him to give that friendship up? He said if I was concerned about them travelling together then I could come along, but that would involve childcare arrangements and I have never been to more than about 3 games, I feel like it would be weird if I suddenly pretended to have an interest in a sport that bores me to tears. I don't want to be the wife that tags along to make sure her DH isn't f**king his friend. I don't know, I am emotional and lost. Mainly just scared. Sorry if this was long.

AIBU to be losing my mind over this?

Its sad to see how controlling some women are

Don't snoop on his phone.

I kind of feel like we have to take or leave people, not control what they do, and just trust them. If it goes wrong, it goes wrong but we don't own other people and shouldn't be possessive of them

I tried talking to DH and he said he understood but he has lost one of his best mates and now she's all that's left from the group.

This doesn’t make sense.
She isn’t his best friend that he’s “lost”. She was just part of the group.

He has a very young family and a partner who has expressed a bit of unease. He needs to cut back on these all day football adventures (do they drink?) and find more friends

I have an old school friend that I dated and am still friends with. We would never dream of getting it on again but of course we have loads of history in common. The bottom line is do you trust your partner? The rest is just noise.

Yes you would and if he’s casual about his phone then I’d say there’s nothing going on. I do think it comes down to trust. If you really don’t trust him then you really do have to consider your relationship as without trust there can be no relationship.

I’d usually say if you feel uncomfortable with something and have a hunch then there’s possibly cause for concern but they’ve known each other for years and she’s the only one left of the group. He’s also not guarded with his phone etc.
I mean, you could ask to look at his messages but I’m not sure how he’d react to that.

Could he just attend football with her and pull back on the extra help.

She should have her own friend network around her to fix fences etc, especially as he has a wife and young children.

He's being a bit of a white knight

It doesn't sound like your DH manufactured this situation: one friend moved away and the other died, he didn't choose a 1:1 friendship with this woman. You have access to his phone, it doesn't sound like he's hiding anything.

As a PP has said, your feelings can be managed and to be honest, it sounds like that's what you need to do. What are the alternatives? Your husband loses his last remaining friendship of the group, or you allow your jealousy to cause friction in your marriage.

What's controlling about feeling uneasy about your husband going off for days out with an old ex he's slept with?
I wouldn't stop him, but I wouldn't be thrilled about it.

We can have very close friends of the opposite sex & thats all it is, friendship. If you are feeling uneasy, talk to your dh,tell him how you feel, before it becomes such a massive issue. If you trust your husband you shouldn't be having these thoughts...Talk, its a good starting point

Another MN thread about Men and Women not being able to be friends.
Honestly OP, give your head a wobble, they've been friend and football fans for ever. They've lost a close friend (at a young age!) to cancer and now you want to stop them supporting their home team. I guess if the girl had died and it was two lads you'd be ok!

If it bothers you that much you could get the away schedule and start booking family 'things' in to prevent them going together, but I dont think this is a good idea!

One of my male friends was prevented from going to football by this then wife...after being a season ticket holder for YEARS, the marriage did not last a long time after that.

A simple question, who does he prioritie? If you asked him not to go to an away game, woukd he use her as an excuse to go. ‘I’ve got to go because Sarah is expecting me to give her a lift?’ And regarding the fence, did he drop everything to go running, or was it done at a mutually convenient time?

@Jemimapony

The friend that DH has lost is the male who died from cancer. With the others having gone their separate ways, it's now just DH and this woman.

Thanks to everyone who commented.

As an update, I spoke with DH and told him properly how I feel, as I think our previous chats didn't really get across how upset and uncomfortable I feel about it all.

He was quite settled on his mindset that he wasn't doing anything wrong, and resistant to changing things, but we agreed a compromise where they will only go to away games solo if the game is within an hour of home, as this limits their time together so they are not gone all day. And he will take a photo of them in the ground, so I can see he's there and they're not anywhere else.

That will make me feel a lot more comfortable because then I know there's not really time for them to be doing anything they shouldn't and he will try to find other people to car pool with as a group for longer away games, so other people will be there.

Your DH sounds lovely but I see why you feel
the way you feel.

For me, the converning thing in all of this would be that potentially this lady might have feelings for your DH (they dated and slept together in the past so there is basis for that), might see him as a saviour and act in a way that would encourage your DH to go further. And if that happened, would your DH go along with it.

For this to happen, they both would need to be lacking integrity. From what you say about DH re being open, not hiding his phone, listening to what you feel, he sounds pretty solid and reliable.

What about his friend? Does she strike you as someone who would act without integrity? Hard to say because we know little about her so she is an unknown.

Do they drink/get drunk together? That would be a concern too as people can act out of character when drunk and do things they wouldn’t otherwise.

Do you ever meet her along with DH? If not, perhaps it’s worth getting to know her better, that might help disperse your worries

Essentially you've just told your husband that you don't trust him.

That will hurt and may eat away at him. He's been nothing but open and honest and yet that's not enough for you.

You're asking your adult DH to send you photo evidence that he is where he says he is, on a regular basis? Seriously, how on earth is that representative of a trusting and healthy relationship? I couldn't lie with someone whom I required to do that in order for me to be persuaded they weren't cheating, and I certainly wouldn't be providing photo evidence of my whereabouts to a spouse who couldn't take my word for it.

That will make me feel a lot more comfortable because then I know there's not really time for them to be doing anything they shouldn't

@MaryStP If he's only not cheating because he doesn't have time to have sex that day, then his fidelity is meaningless

I think it's difficult for women not to feel conditioned to experience uncomfortable feelings in situations like this. We see, read and hear hundreds of awful accounts where wives and girlfriends have been blindsided by affairs – to the extent that it can be quite chilling. In that respect 'do you trust your husband' doesn't really cut the mustard in tackling these very deeply ingrained anxieties, and how one can sensibly tackle them.

This does all read like your husband has responded openly and sensibly, and in the absence of any changed, hallmark behaviour, I would say none of this raises red flags.

You have remarked on her behaviour – 'the way she looks at him'. Difficult to define, I realise, but have you addressed that with your DH? Try to look at this rationally, and decide if you are viewing her behaviour sensibly or through the lens of this anxiety. If you feel you have real concerns in the way she is behaving, then share this with your DH. He should shut down any behaviour whatsoever that crosses the line and then reassess the friendship if that happens.

As to your update – it's positive that you can discuss this with your DH openly, but I don't think limiting his outings will address your anxieties over all. Controlling this one aspect feels like it works for now, but it is likely to migrate again, at which point you will only be faced with another set of controlling options – sooner or later those will run out, and the bigger question is: did any of them ever really solve your anxiety in the first place?

You're requiring photo evidence that they actually attended the match rather than drove to a hotel to rumple the sheets, and a carpool for further away games so that they have chaperones in place to stop them pulling over in a layby for a quickie???

Honestly, OP, do you think this is a healthy level of paranoia and distrust?

I think any one man or woman has to listen to their instincts and feelimgs of discomfort in a long relationship

I personally would not like this situation...they are a man and woman with what sounds like a very intimate and close friendship...which by it's nature excludes you op

I think I'd be asking him to cut back on the football travel and replace it with family time

Though I agree that the photo evidence thing for me just indicates total breakdown of trust. Id prefer from him a real commitment to marriage over this woman