How would you feel about this?

[MaryStP]

DH (43) and I (39) live in a big town, where he grew up. He has had a tight friendship group since he came back from uni, 3 guys and 2 girls, who were all very close and follow the town's football team regularly.

In their 20s, one of the girls met a guy and moved away. This was before I was on the scene. She is still in touch and I have met her, she came to our wedding, but isn't around in person much. The other 4 were then like peas in a pod for over a decade. Partners would come and go, sometimes stay, weddings happened, but the four of them stayed very close.

I met DH nine years ago and we got married 6 years ago, just before COVID came along. We have two young children. The other two guys were his two best men at our wedding. He is a great dad and husband, he has a good job and we have a good life. Although he is football mad and used to go to pretty much every game, home and away, he has limited how often he goes since the kids have come along. He still goes regularly, but that's always been his thing and I have never had an issue with it, even though I am not into football myself.

However, the dynamics of his friendship group have changed. Three years ago, one of the guys split from his wife and moved to Canada for a work assignment. He has met someone there and it doesn't look like he's coming back. Then two years ago, the other male friend was diagnosed with cancer. He passed away early last year and DH was devastated.

So now DH and the remaining girl are the only ones left in the group. They regularly go to football together. They have history - they dated in school (like age 14-15 so not serious) and slept together twice when they were in their early 20s. DH has never hidden this history from me and always insisted that they were never serious, any attraction was long in the past, and they are just close friends. I have never had reason to doubt him.

But now it's just the two of them left in the group and they spend a lot of time together, driving to away games etc. She is single with a string of bad relationships behind her. DH is the one she calls when things go wrong.

Over the last 6 months or so, I have found myself getting jealous and paranoid. When they were a group of 4 or 3, it honestly never crossed my mind. But now it's just the two of them, and the way she looks at him... I am sure others will know what I mean? I am sure she has always had feelings for him.

I tried talking to DH and he said he understood but he has lost one of his best mates and now she's all that's left from the group. How can I ask him to give that friendship up? He said if I was concerned about them travelling together then I could come along, but that would involve childcare arrangements and I have never been to more than about 3 games, I feel like it would be weird if I suddenly pretended to have an interest in a sport that bores me to tears. I don't want to be the wife that tags along to make sure her DH isn't f**king his friend. I don't know, I am emotional and lost. Mainly just scared. Sorry if this was long.

AIBU to be losing my mind over this?

Yeah it's a tough one. I don't think yabu to not love the fact they've gone from a group friendship to just the pair of them. I am sure they would prefer it to be the gang too.

I know I've had good friendships with men that have changed over time as lives changed. Perhaps they could change the nature of their meetups.

I know she doesn't have a partner but perhaps she doesn't have many other friends. How is your social circle? Would it be possible to organise a dinner in yours or out with another two or three people and invite her along too? You might feel more relaxed if you're in company with the pair of them and see with your own eyes there's no special bond.

My take on it is that if you have to monitor your partner and restrict their friendships to keep them faithful then there is absolutely no point in being with them. If they can't stay faithful without policing then the relationship is a lost cause.

Do you genuinely believe he's not trustworthy? Do you have reason to believe that?

I would focus on expanding your horizons a bit. Do you and your DH travel much? living in his hometown sounds claustrophobic. Do you do trips away? Day trips to other cities?

I wouldn't be jealous but I'd be more worried about his lack of enthusiasm for the big wide world. And clinging onto his childhood. It's just a bit weird!

@MaryStP their relationship seems based around football and the odd helping-out, ie fixing the fence.

Presently, there is nothing to be jealous of. You should try to see it as at least he has someone to go to the games with.

However, should things start to change, they are meeting more to enjoy other things together outside of football, then you could start to wonder - guilt-free - if there’s more to it (even if it’s just one-sided). Outside of football your DH could do these things with you and surely his friend has other friends she could call to enjoy other interests with. Or, the 3 of you could go together if not football.

Nothing to worry about yet!

I wouldn't be happy about this either. It's the fact they slept together in their twenties that would bother me. They obviously fancied each other in the past and if you say you think she still has feelings for him from the way she looks at him now, then I just couldn't let this go. If my dh told me he was going out with a single ex (which is basically what she is) for hours on end every other weekend and going round doing jobs at her house (hasn't she heard of tradesman?), I would definitely not be happy and leaving me with the kids to look after whilst he's at it! It's a real shame what's happened to the original friendship group but that's what happens in life, people move away, things change etc I bet your dh wouldn't be happy if it was the other way around and you were going out for hours on end with a single ex, getting back late at night, going round to his house on your own etc I think I'd be checking his phone and getting a real insight into their relationship then I'd be sitting dh down for a serious talk. The problem is not you!

How old is your oldest? Old enough to enjoy the odd trip to football with Dad?

If they wanted to be together they've had ample opportunity over two decades to make it happen, starting when they actually slept together. A couple of times, then no more? There's usually a very good reason for that - I think it's very common at that age to sleep with a friend because you're both going through a dry spell and a bit horny, and he's a good person and not bad looking when you think about it, then you actually get down to it and realise you have zero sexual compatibility and it's just awkward all round.

If they wanted to have an affair then the presence of the other two guys wouldn't have been a barrier in any way. (And nor would any of the bizarre manipulations some posters are suggesting on this thread.)

The way she looks at him could be anything. "God, I can't believe we ever went there." A fond memory that she doesn't want to return to. A sliding doors moment that she knows isn't real. Maybe she is appreciating his looks while not actually wanting to do anything about it.

What it comes down to is that you don't get to control your partner's friendships - not who, not where, not with any conditions. Trust isn't just a feeling - rationally, you're right, you can never trust or know anyone 100%. Trust is a decision - for your own sake you have to take trusting actions. Because the alternative is a relationship/marriage where taking distrustful actions becomes the norm, and that is toxic hell.

You acknowledge that it's an uncomfortable feeling and that it won't kill you, and nor is it some kind of clarion call to action -- that you're feeling it isn't an indication there's any objective, actual problem. Remind yourself that for all you know, this woman remembers sleeping with your husband with amusement or total horror, and wonders what she was thinking back then, and acknowledge to yourself that, while you obviously find him attractive, not everyone is going to.

I wouldn't be happy about my husband meeting up with someone he's slept with in the past, regardless of how long they've known each other. A definite no from me. I think I'd be going along with them, too right I'd be suspicious!

That's insanely petty and territorial. I mean, these are two old friends who've known one another forever, and are the last two still standing of an original group who followed this football club. Their friendship considerably predates the OP's relationship with her husband. My mind is blown that anyone would be arrogant and insecure enough to police a longstanding friendship that's older than their marriage, purely because now the people who used to 'chaperone' them have died or emigrated.

In what sense would it be a "definite no"?

I'm trying to imagine DP telling me that no, I couldn't see a particular friend. (I am still friends with multiple people I've slept with, fwiw.) I think I would just boggle at him and/or laugh in his face. People in adult relationships don't behave like this!

Would I be totally out of order looking at his phone? Is the fact he is really casual about his phone evidence that there's nothing to look for? I mean, I will pick up his phone for all kinds of mundane reasons, like it's the closest one and I want to get a picture of the kids doing something cute, or mine is on charge and I want to check the weather. And whenever I grab it, he is never jumpy or seems to bat an eyelid like some partners seem to be described on here.

Is it justified for my own peace of mind if there's genuinely nothing to hide?

Sorry for being really all over the place in my replies.

I would be suspicious only if he ever tried to change little things: taking his phone everywhere, pin number different, dressing smarter, using aftershave (maybe different one) when going out alone, smarter shoes/socks, underwear different, showering habits etc.

It's nearly always the little habits that change first. Otherwise just relax and watch the game on TV (if you want to).

Don't snoop. Invasion of privacy one of the worst things you can do in a relationship.

DP and I have access to each other's phones, leave them around all over the place, know each other's passcodes, but I would be absolutely livid if he went into my private messages or emails to snoop.

Even if he’s as pure as the driven snow on this occasion - you need to suggest marriage therapy because quite evidently there’s fundamental trust issues at play

Personally, i think this is not the path to go down...it signals that you don't trust him or his word, and need evidence for yourself. If it is a you problem as you said in one of your earlier posts, then perhaps work on that?

Well the dynamics have changed. She's single, he's married. They're not the young free people they were.

I obviously wouldn't tell my husband he couldn't see her etc but I would feel uncomfortable with my husband meeting up with an ex. That's how I feel. If others would be happy with that, that's ok too. Different feelings about it.

Would you children want to go to football? How would DH feel about taking them, most football supporting dad's are very keen to get DC involved, although it does change the dynamics of the "lads" day out.

I've been the woman in a football "platonic" couple, when we were both married, and with no history, and whilst nothing much ever actually happened, a combination of high emotions and alcohol did have moments I'm not proud of.

I would be feeling uneasy in your shoes OP.

How would your husband feel if you spent loads of time with another man? Because I have found men have double standards when it comes to friends of the opposite sex.

Oldest child is just turned 4, so we're a few years away from that yet.

Thanks everyone for your input. I am not sure how I should move forward but I think that's because it's a hard situation. My head is telling me to ignore my feelings, because he has honestly never ever given me any reason to doubt him. But my heart is not logical and responds to that sick feeling I have in my gut.

I read MN, I obviously had relationships before and had my heart broken (including being cheated on by two different boyfriends in early adulthood), so I know what some men can be like. I have never seen anything in him that has ever suggested he's like that. But I do find it so hard to trust and I am really struggling with this paranoia.

You say you trust him as much as anyone can trust their partner but that's not really true. If you did you wouldn't be concerned.

Where is the insecurity coming from really?
Issue with your relationship?
Your own self esteem?
Her behaviour?

If he's going to cheat, he'll cheat. Whether they go to games together or not. You can't police his friendships.

You need therapy l would suggest for your paranoia, as you put it, otherwise you will ruin the relationship with your DH. Is that what you want, you need help to reason.
One of my best friends was a man l grew up with, he was like a brother and nothing romantic would happen between us, what they had was years ago and if your DH would have wanted to rekindle it, it would have happened years ago but now he is married to you and choose you.

The fact that he doesn’t care if you look at his phone shouts there’s nothing going on to me.

This sounds tough. I wanted to say that it is impressive how you wrote this up. I often think when someone writes an AIBU about their partner, they give an incredibly skewed view. But I think you have portrayed your partner very kindly.

I think you are not being unreasonable to feel jealousy, but I think the onus is on you to try and work out how to overcome that jealousy. I am sorry, as I know that it is hard.

You say there is nothing you can do about these feelings, OP but of course there is. You find ways to silence them. You work hard to overcome them. You do not feed them by looking at his phone.
You either trust him or you don’t. Trust is an absolute. There are no degrees of trust. He has given you no reason not to trust him.
Here’s what I would do. I would have a heart to heart with him about the way you feel. Take ownership of the feelings and explain that this is your issue, not his but it is quite overwhelming. Set out a plan for how you are going to deal with the jealousy and paranoia. Explain that you are working hard to ignore these emotions. Ask him to help you with this and ask for his understanding while you work through it.
Get some therapy for this specific issue. Develop coping strategies. Work out what else is feeding this - your own insecurities post childbirth? A lack of romance in your relationship? Work with your husband to rectify this -date nights, perhaps, time for just you two, doing things as a family that bring you both joy. Build on the great moments in your relationship. Find the things that bring you joy and bolster your confidence and lean into these. Work on yourself. Ask him to be mindful meantime of how you are feeling. Unless you have real cause for suspicion, you need to banish these thoughts. Do not, under any circumstances, look at his phone. No good will come of it.