to find childfree comments on parenting forums insensitive?

[HazelMember]

I’ve noticed this a lot lately. Someone will post saying they’re struggling with their DC. Maybe they’re exhausted, dealing with behaviour, feeling overwhelmed, trying to keep them entertained with school holidays. childcare stuff.

Someone pops up with “this is why I’m childfree” or “so glad I dodged that bullet”

I just don’t get the need to say it. Nobody is asking you to justify your life choices. It’s not a debate about whether having children is worth it.

It would be like me going onto a forum for people who can’t have children and saying “well I’ve got three and it’s amazing”, it is just completely insensitive to the situation and adds nothing.

I’m not saying people can’t be childfree or be happy about it, obviously. But there’s a time and place. When someone is clearly struggling, it comes across a bit smug and lacking in empathy.

There was a post recently asking about grandparents providing childcare-and one poster said that they don’t understand adults who need “all this support” and they were childfree. Well that isn’t exactly the most helpful perspective

But people do come on to childfree by choice threads and say 'well I've got three and it's amazing '. See also you never know real love until you have children, childfree life is so pointless etc etc etc.

I think it's across all threads. For example, someone mentions the pressures of work and someone else says: "That's why I would never be a teacher/stockbroker/supermarket worker."

Or: "What are you getting your mother for Mother's Day? and the response is "I hate mine so much and we are NC thank goodness so absolutely nothing."

It's rife. But it's also just life, people use the place to vent.

This might blow your mind, OP, but there’s a busy ‘Mners Without Children board on here, and many childfree and childless posters who post prolifically all over Mn. Which is certainly not just a ‘parenting forum’.

I don’t know, I think it’s a legitimate choice to be child free so don’t bother me. I chose to have dc and sometimes that’s really hard. I’m sure people used to look at me with 3 under 4 (including twins) and consolidated their child free status.

There's all sorts of people on this site. A whole variety of personalities, experience, intelligence and knowledge. Some empathetic, some not so much. You cannot take any of it personally. That way madness lies.

I agree. It's tedious but it's everywhere. I wish people would just stay in their lane sometimes. If you have no personal experience of something, don't add a pointless inane post to a thread.

I think it's a twattish thing to say to someone having difficulties with their kids (and I say this as a CF by choice woman).

But as another poster has mentioned, just about every CF thread has at least one poster declaring that you don't understand love until you have a child, makes you a better person, my life had no meaning etc.

I think just about every thread descends into this eventually.

Agree wholeheartedly with this. It goes both ways OP!

No need to be a smart arse. Mumsnet is primarily a parenting forum.

OP doesn’t have an issue with non parents posting, her issue is what some non parents say in response to parenting issues.

I don’t get responses like these????

It’s almost whiney and child like “but she said it first, he said it too”.

I have 4 kids op but saw the opposite the other day , young woman (god I sound old!!) saying she was studying and working full time and didn’t think she could keep it up and a lot of the replies were ‘you think that’s difficult how do you think those of us with families manage?’ or ‘wait until you have kids? Why are you stressed?’ etc. I thought it was terrible

As a childless poster I don’t go looking for the specific parenting boards. But AIBU and Chat are a bit different I think? I might post on a thread about adult children as I have experience of being one of those!

It can be as annoying as hilarious sometimes depending on topic.

Like the people who go on threads about holidays IN holidays topic to hissy fit about how crass it is to talk about expensive holiday planning...
Pretty sure I've seen someone comment on x food thread that they don't eat x food.

People just do that. As CF I don't get though why to say that. Just think it and move on.
But pps are right that every thread on MN without children is overtaken by parents as well

Yes. no issues with non parents posting. I know this is not just a forum for parents.

I just don't get some of things they say about being CF when someone is struggling with DC.

Yes I am sure there are people with DC who boast about having DC to people who want them. No doubt. Not acceptable either way.

I agree with you but honestly I see this kind of thing from parents and those without kids.

Going into each others spaces to suggest their choice is the superior one. It’s stupid.

I only get it if the space is an open forum.

There is, but then surely child free posters posting "This is why I don't have kids!" on the rest of the parenting areas is surely at least as bad as people making snidey comments on the child free space.

People also definitely come on MN just to release some innate rage about modern parents or women and to find some to tell off.

I think some people feel that Mumsnet is just for people with children.
So in that case, it would be a bit like going to a forum that specialises in Volkswagens and constantly saying "this is why I drive a Mercedes".

But lots of people are here for different reasons and that's fine.

That said, people who come on any thread saying "that's why I don't have children/never take buses/never eat waffles" are best just scrolled past on the children/bus/waffle threads.

I get this a lot.

I will say I am knackered an be told “how can you be tired? You don’t have children. Have children and you will really know what tiredness is!”

It is on many different thread types - and the childfree board does complain about people with kids leaving nasty messages as well.

I do see the narative across threads and boards on here though that all mothers are miserable and regret kids and if you say you don't you are brain washed and stupid. I could see I could have lived a happy life without kids but it doesn't change fact they've been that hardest work and the most fun thing I've ever done.

I've seen some posters try and explain the fun - it's often small everyday things that spark joy and then they get sneering responses about how small they sound. But maybe that my background - every big life event someone in my life kicked off about something - so the joyous moments I look back on do tend to be the quiet private often unexpected ones which can be small and silly but oh so emotional.

Both types of comments are unnecessary, gloating and insensitive.

That's why I never had children
You don't know what true love is without children.

But as another poster has mentioned, just about every CF thread has at least one poster declaring that you don't understand love until you have a child, makes you a better person, my life had no meaning etc.

Yeah, a bit off-topic but I’m always a bit surprised by how many people seem comfortable declaring they were complete sociopaths before they had children! And taking it for granted that applies to everyone!

I am guilty of this. But I think that’s different to belittling somebody’s choice. Honestly I am very thankful for teachers as no way could I deal with the kids out and about today!

I agree, I don’t have a problem with childfree people being on here but when it’s a post specifically wanting parenting advice the “I don’t have kids but” comments are annoying, especially when they’re showing a massive lack of empathy

It’s as bad as men being on here too. Go elsewhere.