to find childfree comments on parenting forums insensitive?

[HazelMember]

I’ve noticed this a lot lately. Someone will post saying they’re struggling with their DC. Maybe they’re exhausted, dealing with behaviour, feeling overwhelmed, trying to keep them entertained with school holidays. childcare stuff.

Someone pops up with “this is why I’m childfree” or “so glad I dodged that bullet”

I just don’t get the need to say it. Nobody is asking you to justify your life choices. It’s not a debate about whether having children is worth it.

It would be like me going onto a forum for people who can’t have children and saying “well I’ve got three and it’s amazing”, it is just completely insensitive to the situation and adds nothing.

I’m not saying people can’t be childfree or be happy about it, obviously. But there’s a time and place. When someone is clearly struggling, it comes across a bit smug and lacking in empathy.

Meh, it’s the internet. People are going to be irritating sometimes. And people are working through their own stuff.

For many years I was ambivalent and conflicted about whether I wanted children, as my family of origin was really dysfunctional. Later, when I was in the grip of biological broodiness, I wasn’t sure I wanted to tether myself in that way to the man I was with at the time. And then, I spent 7 years trying and failing to have a baby with my DH.

Throughout all these circumstances, I told people I was ‘childfree’ and made a big deal about all the freedom I had, and all the compromises I didn’t have to make - mainly to stop people asking incredibly intrusive and hurtful questions about why I hadn’t had kids yet at my age and to hide my hurt.

I spent a LOT of time familiarising myself with all the downsides and difficulties of motherhood, to help myself see the positives in a future without kids, which was becoming increasingly likely for me.

After many, many, many losses I managed to have one living DC at age 40.

And I’m very glad I did - but it’s also fucking hard! And I do also have a hope that the Slidng Doors hypothetical version of me that didn’t become a mum would eventually have moved through the defensiveness and pain and grief to have a lovely and fulfilling life without needing to justify it all the time to herself, and to people who insist a woman can’t be complete without children.

The comments by child free posters about dodging a bullet don’t bother me, as I have a sense of where it might be coming from for some posters, and they are in a much harder place than I am now.

And for childfree posters who genuinely don’t want children, I’m not offended when they recognise the challenges and constraints of parenting. I don’t see it as smug so much as recognising how hard and thankless it can be! It’s certainly less irritating to me than the people who want to blow rainbows up your arse about how being a mum is the most meaningful calling there is.

Oh I am sure not everyone means it in a belittling way - there are plenty of careers I wouldn't want to do either! But there are people who DO mean it in that way and there is also the problem of not always being able to read tone in a text conversation too.

Similar to the classic
''Just be grateful she's not dead cos mine is!!!''

When moaning about toxic mothers.

I was just about to post this, too.

You are naive if you think getting rid of childless/childfree people on Mumsnet will somehow turn it into a “safe space”. From my observation on here the nastiest comments towards parents tend to come from other parents.

I am happy to have all women here, mums or not.
Not keen on men.
But MN has clarified that the site is meant for everyone, so I just scroll by the men and their mostly pointless posts, usually about how they don't get enough sex.

Agreed, OP. I don’t go to DogsNet and tell people asking for tips on how to housetrain a difficult puppy that “This is why I’m dog-free by choice—dogs really are PIAs and I don’t understand why anyone would want one.”

I think as someone said, it would be nice if everyone stayed in their lane. It's such a twattish thing to say, especially to those that are struggling. I remember a few years ago, it was my first night home with my eldest. First time parent, absolutely no idea what I was doing and with a baby who wouldn't cry and I posted on here that I was struggling. Most of the posts i got very were very supportive but I distinctly remember one poster said my post had reminded her to get sterilised as if that was any use to me whatsoever.

Equally twattish are the posters posting on childfree threads "you don't know what true love is" etc etc.

Yes it would be nice if we all stayed in our own lane, but I'm aware life doesn't work like that!

Yep. I get this.
But I have narcolepsy so I have a good comeback 😅

I have noticed what you are saying OP, but it’s common on all threads about anything. Someone will come on and say that holidays are getting too expensive and somebody will pipe up that they don’t have holidays and don’t understand what all the fuss is about.

Totally agree, how pathetic!

But that doesn't really fit with what the op is saying. Offering the perspective of the adult child is one thing. It's potentially quite helpful. Offering the perspective that you are so glad you never had kids so you don't have to deal with adult children is clearly completely unhelpful.

I'd say that Mumsnet (despite the name) isn't really a parenting forum - it covers so many topics.

But whatever the topic there tends to be people doing similar, so it's not a parent v no-children issue.

Check out any post about someone considering going low contact/no contact with their parents - someone will undoubtedly be along to say that their mum is dead and they'd give everything they own for 5 more minutes with her. It doesn't matter if the OP has detailed a horrific childhood and years of significant abuse, someone always says it.

Or any post about influencers. There is always someone who comes along to smugly point out they don't even know who the person is and don't care about influencers.

I agree OP. It’s got much worse in the last few years. Most childfree people are absolutely fine and I’m sure don’t waste their time doing this, but some seem to make not having children their whole personality and use it to shit on others. Weird. It’s best to just ignore them.

I totally agree. Must have a sad life if they are childfree with no intention of having kids and the only thing they can do in their free time is come on a parenting website for Mums.

I think if Mumsnet sees posts like "this is why im childfree" their accounts should be banned as its not the experience us actual Mums want.

to find childfree comments on parenting forums insensitive?

Anytime I refer to MN at a parenting forum I get jumped on because apparently it’s so much more than that 🤣🤣

So I guess you reap what you sow.

At the time of writing the first 5 posts showing on AIBU for me are (to paraphrase): downstairs loos X2, how some people have more savings than others, MIL issues and food banks - none of these are connected to being a parent or not.

I am childfree and do plenty of things in my spare time. I'm sorry you find it sad that I enjoy occasionally enjoy browsing AIBU, with it's topics that don't relate to kids.

"It would be like me going onto a forum for people who can’t have children and saying “well I’ve got three and it’s amazing”, it is just completely insensitive to the situation and adds nothing"

Except it wouldn't be like that at all

It's in direct response to the OP saying that doesn't happen when it blatantly does, all the bloody time.

Maybe show a bit of humility and gratitude that all those child free people are paying taxes to support your subs and handouts.

😂

There are so many different topics here that don't entail being a parent, do you have to have kids to read a book, own a cat, have an interest in home decor, do crafts?
There's a childfree board for goodness sake. Banning people for being childfree is the absolute stupidest thing I've read today.

Huh?
My DC will be paying taxes too.
Nobody needs to show Uriah Heep like humility and gratitude. Thats not what OP is saying.

I totally agree. Must have a sad life if they are childfree with no intention of having kids and the only thing they can do in their free time is come on a parenting website for Mums

I dont get this either! If you love being childfree so much and are revelling in the freedom of your life without children to do whatever you want, why on earth would you hang out, read and then comment on a thread about mums struggling with kids???

Thats quite sad and what a waste of your precious child free time.

Are you going to show gratitude for those of us with kids who are going to be looking after future you in your nursing home and paying your pension through their taxes?

No, thought not