to find childfree comments on parenting forums insensitive?

[HazelMember]

I’ve noticed this a lot lately. Someone will post saying they’re struggling with their DC. Maybe they’re exhausted, dealing with behaviour, feeling overwhelmed, trying to keep them entertained with school holidays. childcare stuff.

Someone pops up with “this is why I’m childfree” or “so glad I dodged that bullet”

I just don’t get the need to say it. Nobody is asking you to justify your life choices. It’s not a debate about whether having children is worth it.

It would be like me going onto a forum for people who can’t have children and saying “well I’ve got three and it’s amazing”, it is just completely insensitive to the situation and adds nothing.

I’m not saying people can’t be childfree or be happy about it, obviously. But there’s a time and place. When someone is clearly struggling, it comes across a bit smug and lacking in empathy.

I was on here for years before I became a parent. Caitlin Moran did a column about AIBU that got me hooked. But I didn't get involved in parenting threads as it wasn't relevant to me.
The 'this is exactly why I didn't have children' posters are tedious beyond belief.

What don’t you get about it?

The clue is in the name of the site.

Most of the boards on here are nothing to do with being a mum or parenting.

But is it fine if we are childfree but not by choice?

You mustn’t have explored much of the site then, tbh. Even though you’re here on AIBU, where the vast majority of threads have nothing to do with parenting. Have you seen the style and beauty forum? The litter tray? Relationships? Sex? Money matters? AMA? Chat? Legal matters? Homes and gardens? DIY? Telly addicts? etc etc.

The fact is that this site has evolved far beyond a parenting site and the vast majority of threads have nothing to do with parenting, and being a parent doesn’t give posters any special expertise or knowledge in relation to the topic.

I’m surprised you haven’t figured that out, tbh. It’s not complicated.

Yes I can reflect perfectly well thanks! My comments are about people who choose to be child free and join in on threads where a mother is having a hard time only to spout off pointless things such as the OP described saying "thank goodness I chose not to have kids tee tee!" I am not referring to people who are childless when they dont want to be, I am referring to people specifically bragging about how relieved they are to not have children. If you read what I had written you would get that.

I have seen such posts many times on here because I often peruse threads where people are talking about having kids, and thats because I also have them hence why I am on that thread in the first place.

My point is- I dont know why on earth people who are gloriously happy about being child free- so much so that they like to brag about their child free freedom online would seek out threads on here specifically where mums are asking for childcare advice. Why?- why choose not to have kids and then deliberately seek out threads about kids? 🤣

And I would ask why people choose to have children and are ecstatic about that fact, but then deliberately seek out the MNers without children board and scold the women there for not having children, telling them they’ve never had meaning in their lives, will never know what real love is, that nobody will care for them when they are old, and that they are parasites whose pensions will be paid by the posters’ children.

Why? Why choose to have kids and then deliberately seek out threads about not having them?

Arseholes are arseholes wherever you find them.

You sound like you excuse arseholery as long as it’s demonstrated by parents. To be honest you sound like you have the potential to be one of them.

They equally are dicks.

Quite apart from the previous good reasons posters have provided about Mumsnet going way beyond being a parenting forum…

You have to take into account that society has considered having children to be the default purpose/function/preoccupation for women for millennia. To the point that until recently many people thought there was no other legitimate role for women.

Given that context and the fact that more women are choosing to (and being allowed to) remain child free by choice, can you not see that some child free women might have perspectives on parenting and the role of women in society generally?

I agree that coming onto a forum called “Mumsnet” and declining that having children is shit is tone deaf and stupid.

But by the same token I don’t want to live in an echo chamber of talking only to other parents. I value the views of childfree women.

I agree OP, I am childfree and have no regrets but I'd never jump on a post by someone who was having a difficult time if I had nothing supportive to add. Its just plain unkind and reeks of having something to prove to themselves more than anything else. Its as if they can't understand that someone might still absolutely love being a mum but just be having a rough time right at that moment. I swear empathy is in short supply these days!

I've never been to the child free board (because why would I?) so I wouldnt know and have never seen people do that. Why cant you address what the OP is saying instead of engaging in pointless whatabouttery?

You are literally excusing arseholery as long as its demonstrated by MNers without kids so I suspect you also have the potential to be one.

Not at all - I’m saying they’re everywhere, on both sides. It’s equally repugnant. But the parents lambasting the childfree need to recognise that, too.

I think this sums it up. I think empathy is OK, but not chiming in with views and opinions on something you have no experience with.

I had a friend about 30 years ago (who I'd known about 7-8 years at the time, I met her through a hobby group,) who was childfree, but not by choice, she just 'hadn't met the right man.' I had my first child, and she came to see me in hospital the day after, (yes, that soon!) She also came to see me as soon as I had got home a week later.

She then came 3 times a week. Every single time she came, she started lecturing me on how I should be looking after my baby. Advice about breastfeeding, telling me I wasn't doing it right when I did it while she was there, telling me my baby's nappy needs changing as it's 'full.' (It wasn't) Telling me what time she should be going to bed, what time she needs to be put down for a nap, and all sorts of 'advice.' Acting like she was a midwife or social worker or something! (She worked in a bank!) When my baby was just under 5 weeks old, she said she wants to babysit her, and DH and I can go out. She said to my DD 'we'll show mummy how to look after a baby properly.'

I felt my cheeks flushing red, I was fucking fuming. I said 'mummy has only had a baby for 33 days, mummy is learning as she's going along...' She said 'awwww, don't get all salty, I just know a lot about looking after babies and small children, I have 2 nieces and a nephew with only 7 years between them, that I baby sit sometimes. Anyway have a word with Dave and let me know which date you want to go out next week, and I'll be here....'

tl;dr I told DH all this and he went mad. Firstly that she had upset me, and secondly that she thought she knew more because she babysits her nieces and nephews sometimes. It's not QUITE the same as having your own babies, and being woken all through the night, and breastfeeding them, and having them hang off you half the day, with 3 hours sleep a night! Along with postnatal depression for many months, for many new mothers.

I didn't have her babysitting, and when she phoned again, I got DH to put her off and kept putting her off again and again, until she got the message 'leave me alone.'

I didn't have babies til around 30 years old, and I don't ever recall - when I was childfree - lecturing mothers of babies/young children on how to look after them properly, and I used to babysit my little brother AND my neighbours kids!!!

.

You think your friend is typical of all childfree women? Have you ever seen a childfree woman on here lecturing a mother on how to look after a baby? I wouldn’t dream of it. Doubtless you’d also be complaining if she’d shown no interest at all in your baby.

The OP was in any case talking about childfree posters saying “this is why I’m glad I never had children”, as opposed to childfree women thinking they know better than mothers, and I don’t often see that on here outside of the Mumsnetters Without Children board and why shouldn’t childfree posters say that there. I don’t think you’ll see childfree women going on the specific parenting threads as opposed to AIBU or Chat.

I had that from everyone body - people kids adjacent and ones who had kids decades ago and other with younger kids - everyone was an expert on my kids and I could know nothing despite sepending 24/7 with baby/child.

It started in pg with people suddenly deciding what me a well edcuated independent adult was allowed to consume. I was lucky with maternity care bar post natal ward which was horrifc - but maternity care subsquently often tried to treat me the mother as an inconvience to point last pg they put mine and babies life at unnessary risk.

I think it was a mix of having more than one child and area we moved to but HCP and wider professionals also started talking to me in very condensending manner. I remember being an an local event and being run at and grabbed by woman anxious to sign me up for basic english classes - I have a degree and masters despite being dsylexic - I was mortified wonder what about me had triggered that and DH said later after he's stepped in he'd overheard and it was just having multiple young kids with me.

It why I found MN useful - to know I wasn't being rude when 24 hours after giving birth sore and tried and still establish bf it wasn't unreasonable for me not to run round after unexpected guests.

It that drip drip drip on your confidence when you are most vunerable - learning new skills learning about a new person while not at your best - so many feel need to jump in and decide they know better - it stays with you and no one told me that it not an infrequent event though thankfully not every mother gets it.

I'm sorry it happened to you as well.

it doesn't matter. They can say it if they like. They didn't break any rules.

Yanbu. It baffles me that people who are not parents or trying to become parents would frequent this site. No way I’d visit a forum meant for a specific sector of people that didn’t include me- eg golf enthusiasts, men’s issues, healthcare professionals etc etc.

Exactly. It’s got ‘Mum’ right there, in the title.

So, the correct assumption would be that the site was set up for mums, therefore most of their users will be mums.
If you have no intention of ever becoming a mum, why would you join?

As i get older, I find myself saying this so often: some people just like moaning.

If you have a problem with non Mums posting here, or the existence of the Mumsnetters Without Children board, take it up with MNHQ. It is their policy to welcome all women regardless of whether they have children. Or do you just like moaning?

I suppose it’s not your fault you’re unduly literal and fundamentally misunderstand what Mn now is. A chat forum with a huge membership, male and female, parents and non-parents.

I don’t have a problem with it.

I don’t give 2 fucks either way what people do on here.

i have been here well over a decade, maybe more towards 15 years now
I searched when I was pregnant and being blackmailed into a termination, and got here via a Google search. I don’t have children but I stayed for AIBU, style and beauty and many other topics
it’s not like you get to “right I’m not having DC, must leave this forum”

maybe someone googled best trousers for work and ended up here and decided they liked it and stayed. It’s nothing to do with children

Again. I don’t care.

Despite it having been explained over and over again?