AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

Yes, when she had her kids potty training was frequently done around age 2. So it's possible

Lazy parenting. I feel like you are leaving this so it’s the schools problem and not yours.

What wasn't factual or unkind?
I don't see any insults

How is the No Dummy going, OP?

2 of her kids were born in the 90s and 1 in 2010s.

You can’t rule smoking out though as the cause which is the problem.

I judge her only on the 2010 baby, as she was young and immature (16/17) for the first two. Her argument when told by many not to smoke during the pregnancy of the 2010 baby was ‘well it didn’t do xyz any harm’, but she has no proof that their issues weren’t related to her smoking to be able to confidently say this as and continue smoking during pregnancy.

So yes, I judge her for her selfishness. I blame her, because it can’t be ruled out.

"its really lazy parenting" - opinion, not fact AND unkind
"you are going to be 'that parent' when your child starts school" - opinion, not fact AND unkind
"you will permanently change the shape of her mouth" - use of will not factual, or presented kindly. It may change the shape of a child's mouth, it won't definitely.

If you need a stranger to point out when things haven't been said in a nice way - you've got a problem. The same argument could have been presented much more supportively:

Speaking as a former primary school teacher, I’d gently encourage parents to start thinking about moving away from nappies and dummies by around age 4 where possible. By this stage, most children are developmentally ready for toilet training and reducing dummy use, and doing so can really help them feel more confident as they begin school.

Of course, every child is different, and there are absolutely valid reasons (such as SEN) why some children may need a bit more time and support.

It’s also worth being aware that prolonged dummy use can sometimes impact speech development and the way a child’s teeth and mouth form, which in turn may affect pronunciation and early reading skills. Because of that, gradually phasing it out can be really beneficial in the long term.

If you’re finding it difficult, you’re definitely not alone, as an ex teacher I've got access to a whole host of support resources if you want to message me privately.

As I said, nothing to lose by being nice, particularly with someone who's clearly overwhelmed.

Your entire post... opinion, not fact.

I personally think being blunt is not equal to being unkind.

Even if you thought it was unkind (which I disagree)... sometimes people need to be told the truth whether it's kind or not. It absolutely is lazy parenting. Even the OP has admitted that they were too soft and has gracefully taken all the comments on the chin and actioned it.

Woah.
We're looking for ways to get offended, aren't we.

OP is failing her child and we have to pretend it's fine in order to spare her feelings? 😂
Not everyone wants to use chat GPT to write their posts for them. This is batshit.

Well then yes, we do disagree. The 'I'm just being honest' brigade, using their 'honesty' as a front for their rudeness, are grim.

You think adding a blunt post, 16 pages in to a thread is useful? You think that post coveys a single thing the OP hadn't already been told in the preceding 15 pages? Particularly when the OP didn't even ask whether or not her parenting was lazy, she asked if her MIL was rude - which she was (and to a child, not even to the parent).

Did I say it was useful... or have you just made that up 😂

Have I not said im going to try and make changes to try and help her in time for school? I’ve got 5 months and we’re working on it, but thank you for your opinion

She’s still asking for it - I’m assuming she thinks I’m going to give up but little does she know!!

Only problem is she’s started sucking her thumb instead, I’m assuming to replicate the feeling of the dummy :/

Good job! She'll eventually just forget about it... until the baby comes along at least 😂 but at least they'll be smaller dummies that just don't fit

You could try that nail cream (I'm not sure the name of it - it's to stop nail biting... basically it tastes horrible but isn't hazardous - to try to curb the thumb sucking?

Hi Op.
just wanted to say DON'T PANIC!!!

Just take it one step at a time. You will get there.
She's already had one episode of potty training.... look on that as preparation.. shes a little bit more grown up now so she may well be better at grasping the idea.
Keep the anxiety side out of it. Just have all the back up supplies to deal with accidents at the ready. Both of you agree on the same policy... no rubbish talk about being a baby at school. Encouragement only and try not to make it too big a deal...if there's an accident. no problem. we'll clean up and move on DD you are doing well I can see you are trying. etc. No scolding or telling off. But consistency is the key. So have routine sittings every day... on waking up, after lunch, before going out etc what ever suits your routine. All the books etc are helpful.
Bottle.... again, a no fuss, no anxiety, no telling off approach.. I'd start giving her a drink from a sippy cup at the table with a story downstairs and then you could take her up to do her teeth with a lovely new brush or whatever and story in bed..
I wouldn't try to do all three at once.. Try the cup idea , don't worry if it doesn't work the first few times. Ignore it and move on but come back to it again. #

It's clear you've considered all of this and are moving forward, so don't worry about negative comments, don't lose faith in your DD or yourself.. you can both do this.

That’s a good idea, I didn’t realise they even still made that! Used to have it myself as a kid - horrible stuff but does the trick. Either way it’s progress and she looks a lot better with her thumb in her mouth than the dummy!

Some great advice there, thank you! I think that’s the main thing really, having a positive atmosphere for all of us so she doesn’t get put off by it all.

I’m gonna start the potty training this weekend once she’s got over the dummy a bit more, then eventually the bottle. I’m a little less worried about that one as it’s only once a day and we’re brushing teeth afterwards now. But when the time comes, a sippy cup might be the place to start.

I do think you should brace yourself for no dummy for the baby! My son still talks fondly of his dummy a few months later if he saw the baby had one it would have been instant resentment!

There is quite a board spectrum of what is normal for a 4 year old. My daughter started school at 4y and 3 weeks and was ready but I look at friends children turning 4 and can't imagine them starting school.

Modern nappies can do too good a job of keeping bottoms dry so I think that some of the expectations around potty training have shifted.

My daughter likes to understand things before she does them so when we started potty training we started with an hour without knickers on told her what the potty was for gave her time to sit on it and see it. We increased the amount of time she was without knickers on and then when we went for potty training it went quite quickly.

Starting today incorporate the potty into your daily routine. Start sitting her on the potty/toilet first thing in the morning and last thing at night at the bare minimum. If you are going to the toilet ask her if she wants to see if she needs a wee too.

There is quite a lot to learn from potty training and you are both carrying the baggage from previous failed attempts.

1. You need to learn to hold your bladder and wee periodically
2. You need to learn how to wee when not in the environment you have deemed appropriate. Babies are born thinking they wee when they don't have their bottoms covered. I have a 7 month old and the first 3 months were him weeing on clothes every time I took his nappy off.
3. You need to learn to recognise when you need to wee/poo
4. How to do that with enough notice to get to the toilet
5. How to wee on demand because you might not have access to the toilet later
6. How to wee with someone watching.
7. How to speak to car givers about needs and vulnerability.

If potty training doesn't go well this weekend don't give up. It's ok to pause and keep some good bits and work on the bits she's struggling with. Once we started potty training we put my daughter into pull ups and we treated them like pants and just had them as a back up not to be used. We flew home from holiday a few weeks after we potty trained. She was in the pull up from 7 am and it was only when we got stuck in a queue for the transport back to the carpark at 8pm that she needed to use it as we couldn't get her to the toilet in time.

My daughter potty trained at 2.5 but it was only when she stated school that we realised that she hadn't learned no 5 and 7 on my list. At home and at nursery she was able to just freely use the toilet when she needed. It was tricky for a while and she had regular accidents at school for a while but she's worked with the staff to feel more comfortable approaching them about needing the toilet, seeing them as safe people who she can be vulnerable with as well as making use of break and lunch times to use the toilet as it's available without asking outside of lessons

Yeah that’s a good idea - best not to rock the boat at all once we’ve got her off it!

Or the opposite - it could make dd realise she’s a big girl now, doesn’t need a dummy, they’re just for babies.

Possibly but I very much doubt it! It’s been her comfort for the past 4 years

OP cleaning teeth straight after drinking milk will weaken her tooth enamel, you should be leaving half an hour between. You need to just stop the bottle now.

I think she'd really benefit from going to a nursery as she's so behind, it really helps prepare them for school. Teachers can always tell the children that haven't gone IME and it sounds like your DD has been really babied. I think it would really be to her benefit and you need to start putting her needs first.

I wouldn’t view her starting school as your deadline, I would view baby number 2s arrival as your deadline.

All of these things will become so much harder with a newborn and she will no doubt show regressions anyway.

If stopping the dummy has worked well done. Next for the milk, swap to a cup/ sippy cup, and then eventually swap the milk for water.

For potty training pick 3 or 4 days you can commit to and stick to it. Absolutely no nappies apart from nighttime. Although you really have left this too late, you really don’t have a lot of time between now and school for her being able to go to toilet completely indefinitely wiping etc.

Good luck with the potty training this weekend @DearDog96. I always think it’s much easier to do when the weather is a bit warmer and they aren’t wearing lots of layers in the depths of Winter

Thank you!! Thankfully the weather here is good today, and we’ve needed it cos we’ve had 2 accidents already but I’m not giving up!