AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

Unfortunately the frustration of having to leave places to get changed is a natural consequence and with persistence it will act as a motivating factor for her to use the potty or toilet.

Sorry if you've mentioned it in your posts but does she use the dummy during the day? If not then I would definitely make potty training the first priority over the dummy going. It isn't that long until September and this needs to be sorted before school.

Can you take some annual leave soon so you can be around in the day to get the potty training process going? You really don't want to be doing this when baby number 2 arrives.

She should be brushing her teeth at bedtime, not falling asleep drinking milk. That's a basic, not sure if it's been mentioned in other comments.

Give it another go. Tell her if she can't focus on your daughters success she should butt out. Children do go backwards. Don't worry just really persevere. Some people on here would have you believe their children were writing novels by 3.

School would be noting on their records if a child joins them who is still in nappies, has a dummy and still uses a bottle. If your DD is behind in other areas too they may well recommend a parenting course for you

Agree with this.

I missed the part where you're a nurse. In a professional capacity would you not report such a child as yours if you saw them? A 4yo in nappies with dummy and bottle would be a safeguarding concern from school especially when there doesn't appear to be any other issues.

I'm glad you're taking on the advice. This post highlights the importance of a similar age peer group which your DD has missed out on so far. Can you see if there are any older groups etc she could attend to help prepare for school?

She hasn't gone backwards... she just hasn't been taught. Nobody here has unrealistic expectations as far as I've seen on the thread

What are you going to do if the reception teacher is a man - do you expect him to change your daughter's nappies at school ?
Not all schools have TA's any more, and many of those that do have TA's are employed for SEN children so they are looking after them

Or are you or your daughter's father going to pop along to school each and every time she needs her nappy changed ?

She is 4 years old, not 4 months.

and you are a qualified nurse - with a nursing degree

So you think you can tackle all of this in a few months with a newborn? Good luck with that. It will be the worst time to make big changes when a new baby is there. You both sound lazy. She’s 4 in nappies. And sucking a dummy. Your mil is right.

TBF not preparing your child adequately at an age appropriate stage for important life skills can be seen as neglectful, many people will have similar thoughts even if they don’t voice it.
When my Son was about to start school (now in year 1) the teachers held at parents evening around June before they started in September and said that they were expecting all children to be toilet trained, able to zip up their own coats and put their own shoes on, with the exception of any additional needs which the team were already aware of.
3 children started in pull ups, I only know how many as my child told me because he didn’t understand why they were in nappies and said they should have stayed in preschool as they were babies…
The other children spoke about it to their parents as well and probably said something to the children themselves, not to be unkind but when you’re dealing with 4/5 year olds they can be pretty blunt.

My youngest and oldest were both 4 when starting school as both were summer born so mine were probably younger then some of the ones starting in pull ups.
If you know what school she is starting in September I would be putting her into the attached pre school if they have one for the summer term.
This will give her chance to mix with similar aged children, instead of the 3 year olds at playgroup and make friends ahead of starting and give her an idea of a school day.
Mine didn’t go to nursery when tiny, but all went to preschool the term after the turned 3.

you’ve had good advice so far OP and it’s good you’re trying to take it on board. I haven’t RTFT so i apologise if this is duplicate advice.

I won’t advise on how to get rid of the dummy because I don’t have experience of that but I don’t really think it matters if you ditch the dummy or nappies first. Do one or the other then a few weeks later do the other one.

unless there is significant SEN a 4 year old will be ready to get out of nappies.

i recommend the oh crap book also. I would take some of it with a pinch of salt as it’ll try and scare you into thinking you’ve missed the window entirely but some of the advice is really good and what I used with my children. Pick a few days where your DD can be solely at home and you can focus on potty training. Tell your DD in advance, “on X day which is in Y days time, you won’t be wearing nappies anymore during the day, nappies are for babies and you’re a big girl now”, keep repeating this to her every day. Take her to a shop in advance so she can pick big girl knickers. Then follow through. If it’s still chilly turn the heating up a bit and tell her she can just wear clothes on her top half. Tell her first thing in the morning go to the toilet. After every meal, go to the toilet. Change of activity, go to the toilet. If she hasn’t had a wee in an hour, go to the toilet. Loads of kids hate the sensation of wee running down their leg so they learn fast. Tell her wees and poos go in toilet/potty. When she has an accident make sure she helps clean it up. Try not to get cross but be matter of fact. “Okay let’s get some wipes and clean it up. Remember next time you need to go toilet”. Etc etc. Rinse and repeat. Make sure she is well hydrated. If she is doing well with that after a couple of days you can progress to knickers. Same rules apply. Any accidents, she wipes up but now has to go put her knickers in the washing machine. One reason why kids are harder to potty train is because nappies are so absorbent kids don’t need to stop what they are doing. So the aim is the child figures out it’s easier and less hassle to go to the toilet rather than have to clean up after themselves. I’m not advocating for her to clean poo off the floor but make sure she helps wipe herself, takes clothes to washing machine. Do not leave the house with her until you think she has got the gist of it. The odd accident will happen still but you will know when she’s more or less cracked it. But YOU have to be firm. It’s partly about training the parent too. When you start going out with her you need to be timing trips around her need to go to the toilet for a certain period of time. So, when you go out, make sure you know where the toilets are. Make sure she goes to the toilet before she leaves the house. You’ll get used to having a rough idea in your head of when she is likely to need the toilet again. Be realistic about what she’ll be able to do aka you will need to stop regularly on long car journeys for some time yet. Some people have luck with portable potties if they are going for a walk etc. Do not go back to nappies under any circumstances from then on other than for bed. Some people still put nappies on them for car journeys then the accidents just continue as not consistent approach.

Nighttime routine, she goes for a wee before bed, then night nappy goes on just before pyjamas. Don’t worry too much about night training at this stage. Good luck.

This isn't the 1980s. It is for schools to make suitable provision for children who are not toilet trained, or who have accidents, to be changed whilst on the premises. No parent need go in to change them, nor should they be expected to.

Again your language is a concern, no you shouldn’t be pushy, she’s a young child you’re supposed to teach her. You can’t just push her and expect sh3 will do it, it doesn’t work like that,

No one should be expecting a TA to change a nappy that has been defecated in unless the child has significant needs and then a toileting/care plan is in place.
I used to work as a TA, I left because schools are no longer the place for me… Budget constraints, low staff morale, no support staff is now the new norm.
Parents should absolutely be called in to change nappies if the children are in nappies if there is not a specific reason for them to be in them.
I guarantee if parents were called in every time a change was needed most children would be toilet trained before starting school.
In the 80’s early 90’s if you weren’t toilet trained you couldn’t go to school apparently. I’m an 80’s baby and my Mum said my best friend from nursery started in the Jan as she couldn’t start in the September due to not being toilet trained….

Oh please don’t tell her she needs to give up the dummy for her new sibling - it’s a total way to build up resentment. She’s already going to have her world rocked with the new arrival. Look up Sarah ockwell smith 2nd baby book, toileting book and dr Martha how to be a grown up to think through how to support her with learning, adjustment to sibling etc etc. all very gentle, attachment focused with her best interests at heart.

What do her days look like? How is her development generally? I'd say you really have neglected to move her on to the next stage for there really aren't any actual developmental delays.

What did you do to potty train? How did you I trodyce it? You e left it beyond. The point where most kids natural cues kick in so now you need to train OUT a dependence on nappies really and have a wilful 4 yr old rather than a toddler who adapts better to change.

Why have you continued with a bedtime bottle? At no point did you think health visitor says stop bottles at 1, we're 2 or 3 or now 4? Surely you can see this is bad for her teeth?

How is her speech? How are her teeth? Honestly I can't imagine dealing with a 4 yr olds nappies without developmental delays in the picture. My asd/ADHD 8 yr old was still potty trained at 2.5. have you really never been concerned about these habits? I don't understand how you haven't questioned this?

Not doing these things isn’t being “soft” and doing them doesn’t mean you need to be “pushy”

It’s just about supporting them to develop independence. It can be done in kind and soft ways. But you need to be the scaffolding around them that helps them grow up.

Good luck. I had a tough time toilet training one of mine. We spent two weeks in holidays mainly at home.

But at a certain point even if she well loved you can end up at neglect. You are responsible for caring for and raising her, love isn’t enough on its own. Lots of kids these days are starting school not toilet trained, able to use a knife and fork, can’t dress themselves etc and it’s neglectful in many cases.

She does sometimes but from today the dummy is going full stop. She wasn’t happy about it this morning and has been asking all day but I’m not giving up.
ill think about taking some annual leave but i think between my and DH’s schedule we should be able to consistently train her

Her development in other areas eg speech is fine, and she plays well with friends and family’s kids her age

to train we tried to ditch the nappies back in January (after a couple of previous attempts too) but she wasn’t having any of it, despite us reminder her often etc.

the bottle she’s just continued out of habit. It helps her settle and relax and I guess we just blinked and she was all grown up! Same with the dummy but thankfully her teeth are ok. I’ve noted what others have said and will try and get rid of them both

It took me weeks to get my daughter into the habit. You don’t give in after 10 days.
It took a few months before daily accidents stoped and a couple more months for weekly accidents to stop.

I would personally leave it at night (or whenever she most relies on it). And look at the bye bye Blinky method for slowing cutting it down and weaning her off it. Esp if you are going to start toilet training. Gently, slowly with lots of cuddles but firmly moving ahead.

If you only tried for 10 days then of course she wasn’t telling you when she needed to go. She was still learning. You should have been taking her at regular times, like after each meal or every hour or whatever is appropriate.

What do you mean about having to leave places to get changed? Surely you were carrying a change of clothes and shoes and wipes with you. You just needed to take her into a toilet, put her on the toilet to finish weeing/pooing, help her wipe and then clean any wee off her legs etc, bag up the wet clothes, and into fresh clothes. After that, back to the activity. Did you not take clean clothes with you? Anyway, her getting frustrated about missing an activity is useful. Gives her motivation to learn.

FWIW my DD was 4.5yo when she toilet trained. She has special needs. She has ASD and low muscle tone amongst other issues but most importantly at the time she had clinical anxiety that was crippling. She had to take anti anxiety medication for a few months before she could even deal with sitting on the toilet. She reached her milestones later than her peers but that’s because of her diagnosed disability. We’d tried when she was younger but she couldn’t understand it, and her anxiety left her distressed and crying from any attempt to use the toilet or potty. School wasn’t an issue because I’m in a different country and she had another 6 months before she started school.

Toilet training is possible in winter. It was winter when my DD did it. She was in knickers and tracksuit pants.

Ditch the dummy. Dummy fairy can come and take them away like the tooth fairy does with teeth and DD gets a little present in return for the dummies. She’ll probably cry a lot on the first night, less on the second night, a little bit on the third night and then it’s done. My DD adored her dummy. The first night was hard. Second night was easier.

No more bottle. Her teeth will suffer. Brush teeth, into bed for story time, and she can have a small cup of water to sip instead. Any milk needs to be before teeth brushing. She might miss the comfort of the bottle but she’ll hate getting fillings or extractions a hell of a lot more.

Trust me you’ll love not having to change your DD’s nappy anymore. You’ll love it even more once she can wipe her bum properly after a poo.

Reminding her isn't going to work... you need to just take her every hour until you know she's got the hang of it. It's tedius but needs must.

Also just for your own sake, try to refrain your mindset. You say that you'll try to get rid of them both... you need to believe in yourself more and say that you WILL get rid of them both. The dummy is gone now!

OP was she peeing herself? One of the things I did was let my kids feel wet in pants for a few minutes as they hated it. Modern nappies are so absorbent kids don't feel wet which delays potty training.

Milk after teeth is a big risk for tooth decay.