AIBU to think my MIL should stop commenting on my parenting?

[DearDog96]

DD turned 4 last month and is our only child (6 months pregnant with baby no. 2). She’s still not potty trained after several attempts, and after the most recent one in January we decided to go back to nappies for a bit to reset things and hopefully try again soon. She also still uses a dummy, mainly at night or at home when relaxing - we rarely let her use it when out and about, and has a bottle of milk at might to fall asleep with. I’ll admit we’ve probably babied her more than we should and been too lenient, but we’ll work on potty training once the weather improves and the dummy and bottle will hopefully go after that (one battle at once and all!). Her dentist has said her teeth are fine so far, so no immediate concerns over that. Over Easter the in-laws were visiting and my MIL kept making comments at DD, telling her she’s too old for nappies, dummies etc. and she’s gonna get bullied when she starts school in September.

I fully plan on having all these things solved in time for school, plus the world is a different place now compared to when she had her kids. AIBU to think she should just keep her nose out and let me parent how I want to

And mine were born a lot earlier than yours!

Yes, no you’ve spelt it out, I have. I remember remember Anne Diamond’s child died of it - very sad. However, I wasn’t aware that the use of dummies reduced the risk of this.

Well done OP. Maybe take her some places with lots of 4 and 5 year olds she can play with. It will help her see they dont use nappies.

Her children were all fine. Are you sure about that?

I hate when I hear this because this mostly relates to physical disability. When in fact, I think adults who smoke during pregnancy should be held accountable - or not let off from responsibility of causing their children learning difficulties, behaviour problems, ADHD etc.. that they likely caused from suffocating their babies during their development.

My sister says her 3 children were not harmed from her smoking during pregnancy (20 a day), but 1 has autism with severe behavioural issues, 1 with learning difficulties and behaviour problems and had to attend a special school and 1 who also found school extremely difficult. 2 have very bad eye-sight. 2 left school with no qualifications and are now in low-paid work, simply because they were unable to learn. But just because all 3 are physically okay to look at, she’s not held accountable, because who even remembers what she did during pregnancy but the time the kids reach teenage years?

So no, smoking was never okay during pregnancy and I believe many more mothers are responsible for many of their children’s struggles because they smoked during pregnancy.

You are unnecessarily trying to start an argument

Well done, and hats off to you on acting.

Glad you’ve got Day one done. Well done OP.

MIL is correct and well done to her for speaking up. Potty training should have been completed 2 years ago. “Stop and grow “on the dummy works well as it tastes so disgusting DD won’t want it anymore ( we used this trick 35 years ago). Treat her to a new special cup to replace the bottle.

I’d do the bottle first and let her choose a bedtime cup to swap it for.
Then dummy.
Then toilet training and give it a good few weeks of trying lots of encouragement and reward.

Also how ready for school is she? Can she -
dress herself
fasten, put on and remove her coat
put on shoes
wash hands independently
use cutlery
feed herself
sit at a table
play independently
concentrate on an activity
share
wait turn

How social is she? Is she use to busy environments?

Well done. A great start!

And once you start potty training remember that just because they don't get it right away doesn't mean they are not ready. It does take work and some kids just take to it easier than others.

My suggestion would be start with a potty in the room she is in constantly. Put her on it every 20 min. Especially when she has had something to drink. You will soon realise how long it takes for her to go from drinking to needing to pee.

After a few days take the potty to the toilet and take her often. Don't expect her to tell you she needs to go for a good few weeks. Within these few weeks she will hopefully start going on her own accord a few times or tell you she needs to go. But for a good six months be prepared that you will constantly be asking her if she needs to go and taking her when you feel it's been to long.

Accidents will happen frequently and over time as you both get used to the new routine it will get less.

Toilet before you leave the house and as soon as you arrive somewhere. Ask frequently and put her on the toilet at least every hour when you're out of the house.

Accidents are not a failure on her part or yours. Just try and think why they happened every time they do. Did you take to long between toilet visits? Was she too busy playing? Did you forget she had a drink?

When we started I used to carry 4 pairs of spare clothes with me at all times.

Good luck OP.

She can do all of those, other than maybe dress herself if the clothes involve buttons and things. She’s pretty outgoing and social too, maybe not used to super busy environments but the rest of the list she can do just fine

Well done, OP. You've got this. 👊

The little get dressed toys used to really help my kids with learning to dress themselves. Little dolls with buttons, poppers, zips and shoe laces. Great for fine motor skills too.

Sudden infant death syndrome

Kudos to you, OP, for listening with good grace and taking on board the advice offered. Mumsnet can be blunt but this is part of the reason it's helpful. And people here will encourage you at every step.

Good for you making steps forward!

Hopefully this will also build your confidence with supporting future developmental shifts/milestones etc as well. It can be stressful to have to move kids towards new habits (dealing with their resistance is awful) but we've all been there and you're not alone.

Well done op.

Speaking as an ex primary school teacher, its really lazy parenting to still be in nappies and have a dummy at aged 4 plus! Unless there is SEN then your child is massively delayed and you are going to be 'that parent' when your child starts school. Also dummies cause speech delays and cause an open bite so even though there may not be any decay, you will permanently change the shape of her mouth causing mispronunciation and its linked to delayed reading as a result.

DD is the same age group as my nursery class and 100% of them are potty trained I have excluded the 2 SEND children from the 100% as obviously there is an additional need. None of them still use bottles or dummies either.
Once new baby arrives it is highly likely that DD will have some regression and it will be very difficult to do any potty training, or removing dummy or bottle at that point.

Our first full dummy-free day has gone well! There’s been plenty of tears, especially this afternoon when watching TV and before bed, but I stood my ground and she gave up eventually!

fingers crossed potty training this weekend goes as smoothly🤞🏼

Well done OP. She will get used to it very quickly. Do you have any friends with kids similar age to your dd you can meet up with as it may help her understand that at her age kids go to the toilet? Often peers are a huge influence at this age.

Thats a good idea! A couple of my friends have kids a tiny bit older (5 and 6) so that may help.

I would maybe do that before you introduce potty training again and meet somewhere she will see them go to the toilet or know they have asked to go.

As (thankfully) an ex primary teacher, would you speak to parents this way in real life or are you just feeling bold because you’re anonymous on the internet?

I always wonder the motivation behind people being unable to convey their message either factually or kindly without resorting to insults, blame and derision 🤷🏻‍♀️

Stop blaming your sister when you have no idea what caused her children's problems.

When I was born, virtually everyone smoked. My dad was considered weird for only having the very occasional cigarette 'to be social'. You'd struggle to find a single pregnant woman who didn't smoke, in the 1950s/early 60s. Yet my whole generation wasn't born with disabilities.

I'm a non-smoker and always have been, despite all my friends smoking when I was a teen, so I'm not being defensive. But your post reeks of judgement and lack of sympathy for your sister's struggles. She does not deserve to be held accountable for disabilities when you have no proof at all of what caused them.

Yes, we now know that smoking in pregnancy is a bad idea. But that doesn't mean that it is the reason for your sister's children's problems. So stop holding her responsible.