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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

516 replies

TheAngryPuxie · 11/04/2026 21:30

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

OP posts:
MyOliveStork · 12/04/2026 07:30

I put YANBU because you can be envious. However you and your husband made the choices that you wanted for your career and should be happy with your path. You both could have ‘gone higher’ or diversified in some way in order to increase your salaries.

I like you have had the meaningful jobs whilst my husband, who has his own company, has worked to grow that. We now have the big house and nice car. However, our lives have been dominated by his company and his commitment to it. I am lucky if he takes a week off a year and even then he is never far mentally from work. He works from 530-630 every day and a Saturday morning as well. Now our 3 children all work within his company so at least it is a family affair, but family life has always taken second place to work.

What you ‘see’ your friends having isn’t necessarily what the reality of their lives is. For someone to have the money, I would suggest the hours have been put in.

This isn’t to suggest that their careers were better or more important because I’m not, but we know teaching is not going to make you a millionaire! I like you chose nursing and foster caring as my career (again long hours, stressful and poorly paid), but that was MY chose to do, my motivation.

Our kids have long moved out and I can’t wait to downsize to a much smaller house and garden!!!!!!

BootMaker · 12/04/2026 07:30

I actually find the whole idea of retirement ridiculous.

Retirement from what?

The best people I know kept 'working' until they died, because work wasn't a chore. It was what gave shape to their lives.

ToffeeCrabApple · 12/04/2026 07:31

Didn't you aspire to earn your own money? I have a cracking house, because I wanted it so a chose a somewhat dull, unglamorous, rather stressful career because it is lucrative and affords the lifestyle I want.

labamba007 · 12/04/2026 07:34

Owning your own business comes with huge uncertainty, risk, no pension contributions, no holidays, no sick pay. But it can (but more often than not isn’t always) be very financially rewarding. But most people quite sensibly don’t want to take that risk.

BootMaker · 12/04/2026 07:34

ToffeeCrabApple · 12/04/2026 07:31

Didn't you aspire to earn your own money? I have a cracking house, because I wanted it so a chose a somewhat dull, unglamorous, rather stressful career because it is lucrative and affords the lifestyle I want.

A bit late at 57 to seague.

But not too late.

There's time @OP if cash has suddenly become king.

I suspect it hasn't though.

thewonderfulmrswatson · 12/04/2026 07:35

Why is this your husbands fault? Why haven't YOU had more ambition and provided a dream home / life for yourself? Why do you have high expectations of him but not yourself?

ToffeeCrabApple · 12/04/2026 07:35

Also op ime people who owns their own business often work all the hours god sends them! They can be very difficult people to be married to, often inflexible, taking very little holiday etc. It can pay off longer term but can take a long time to get there and the journey is not a bed of roses. Also for every successful businessman there are 5 failed ones who lost everything or worked like a dog for years to barely make ends meet.

BootMaker · 12/04/2026 07:35

Just moaning....

OneNewLeader · 12/04/2026 07:37

Some people aren’t ambitious but have other qualities. Teaching is a great job, not everyone can start a business and be successful, it’s also very stressful, takes a certain appetite for risk.

In the grand scheme of things you’re doing well too.

Tooconfused12 · 12/04/2026 07:37

@BootMaker

Money as a definer does not bring joy, and the pursuit of wealth is tricksy as a life choice.

Exactly. This is why wealth does not equal happiness, which is an altogether more complex and elusive state of mind. People spend their lives chasing money but in and of itself it is extremely low value. What makes you happy is what you do with your time and with whom

LizzieSiddal · 12/04/2026 07:38

BewareoftheLambs · 12/04/2026 07:27

Months of paid holiday? I'm pretty sure teachers are only paid for 5.6 weeks holiday, which is the same or near to that of most employees.

No, teachers are paid for all holidays.

daisychain01 · 12/04/2026 07:40

BootMaker · 12/04/2026 07:34

A bit late at 57 to seague.

But not too late.

There's time @OP if cash has suddenly become king.

I suspect it hasn't though.

The OP doesn't actually want to change things, they just want to be bitter about the bad hand life has dealt them, including a husband who isn't an ATM, a friend with more bedrooms and a career that hasn't entitled them to the lifestyle they deserve.

They see people in terms of what they own and what they earn, which at their stage in life is really sad.

Vix150 · 12/04/2026 07:44

LizzieSiddal · 12/04/2026 07:38

No, teachers are paid for all holidays.

No they aren't. Think of it like a 10-month contract that the bank automatically stretches over 12 months so they can still pay their rent in August. They are paid for some holidays but not all.

daisychain01 · 12/04/2026 07:44

Tooconfused12 · 12/04/2026 07:37

@BootMaker

Money as a definer does not bring joy, and the pursuit of wealth is tricksy as a life choice.

Exactly. This is why wealth does not equal happiness, which is an altogether more complex and elusive state of mind. People spend their lives chasing money but in and of itself it is extremely low value. What makes you happy is what you do with your time and with whom

You only need to observe how miserable Melania Trump always looks, with all the trappings of wealth and a husband worth billions but one of the most unpleasant human being who ever walked the earth, to know that wealth really doesn't equate to happiness or peace of mind. And she clearly hates his guts for having to be in the same room as him and breathing the same air,

Imagine having to wake up every day married to someone like that. I'd rather be on the bones of my arse!

be careful what you wish for OP

BewareoftheLambs · 12/04/2026 07:45

LizzieSiddal · 12/04/2026 07:38

No, teachers are paid for all holidays.

No, they are paid through them but not for them.

Dancingspleen1 · 12/04/2026 07:46

Comparison is the thief of joy. You've made your past life choices because they suited you at the time - no point combing over them now.
Also yes life can be unfair and some people are simply luckier than others.
For me health is everything. Now life gets really unfair when it comes to health so if you are in good enough health to do the physical stuff you want to and make some future plans you are lucky!
Sometimes it's difficult not to compare but zone back into to your own life and try to think of some things to be grateful for.

topcat2014 · 12/04/2026 07:47

The mistake you both made was choosing public sector jobs, albeit worthy ones.

BootMaker · 12/04/2026 07:49

Look @TheAngryPuxie I am a risk-taker.

I've been bankrupt twice, I suspect you would not have coped well with that. It was annoying at the time but actually did me no harm.

But that is me, I will always take the risk, I love a throw of the dice (not a gambler btw).

But two teachers aren't risk-takers. That's a very safe path. And that's YOU!

It's a different personality type and you have a lovely pension and sitting pretty well.

And life is just a joke really so I love to fuck around with it, but you don't.

So Enjoy your safe path, you're sitting pretty. It's fine. you are not in a bad situation.

TheMustardSeed · 12/04/2026 07:51

Lilylady · 11/04/2026 21:49

I don’t know if I am out of touch but in my experience, a teacher earning £44k near retirement is at the lower end of the scale. From your original post I assume you are still teaching - what is your salary if so?

This is increasingly common as schools are cash-strapped, and what initially started out as a pay-scale which reflected length of service and experience is now increasingly and cynically misapplied by schools' HR departments to only apply if teachers agree to take on leadership roles in addition to their classroom teaching.

In many larger schools there aren't enough leadership positions for every teacher who has reached the top of the main pay-scale to step into in order to be able to apply for the upper pay-scale.

It is also an open secret that as schools struggle with funding salaries, they are incentivised to keep teachers on lower salaries and that more 'expensive' colleagues on the upper pay-scale are managed out through what is cynically referred to as 'support plans' which they inevitably are engineered to 'fail', and are then hoofed out with a non-disclosure agreement in exchange for a reference. I have seen this many, many times and it is so very sad. It's a relief that this practice will soon be debated in parliament.

There used to be 'pay portability' in teaching, where, if you had achieved a paygrade on the upper pay-scale, this was 'your' grade and you could expect to earn this if you applied for and secured a new role in a different school. Now, this is no longer the case and applicants are expected to take the salary offered by the hiring school; needless to say, this is rarely at a salary point reflective of experience or length of service.

As a result, many experienced colleagues chose, in some ways against their better interests, to remain on the lower pay-scale, earning what they earned in their first decade of teaching, as applying to access salary increments on the upper pay-scale effectively paints a target on one's back.

BewareoftheLambs · 12/04/2026 07:54

TheMustardSeed · 12/04/2026 07:51

This is increasingly common as schools are cash-strapped, and what initially started out as a pay-scale which reflected length of service and experience is now increasingly and cynically misapplied by schools' HR departments to only apply if teachers agree to take on leadership roles in addition to their classroom teaching.

In many larger schools there aren't enough leadership positions for every teacher who has reached the top of the main pay-scale to step into in order to be able to apply for the upper pay-scale.

It is also an open secret that as schools struggle with funding salaries, they are incentivised to keep teachers on lower salaries and that more 'expensive' colleagues on the upper pay-scale are managed out through what is cynically referred to as 'support plans' which they inevitably are engineered to 'fail', and are then hoofed out with a non-disclosure agreement in exchange for a reference. I have seen this many, many times and it is so very sad. It's a relief that this practice will soon be debated in parliament.

There used to be 'pay portability' in teaching, where, if you had achieved a paygrade on the upper pay-scale, this was 'your' grade and you could expect to earn this if you applied for and secured a new role in a different school. Now, this is no longer the case and applicants are expected to take the salary offered by the hiring school; needless to say, this is rarely at a salary point reflective of experience or length of service.

As a result, many experienced colleagues chose, in some ways against their better interests, to remain on the lower pay-scale, earning what they earned in their first decade of teaching, as applying to access salary increments on the upper pay-scale effectively paints a target on one's back.

Yes, the conditions are continually getting worse. For recent joiners, contracts are often temporary now and so they are expected to give it their all and work uundreds of unpaid hours without any guarantee they'll have a job for the next year.

Dweetfidilove · 12/04/2026 07:55

WearyAuldWumman · 12/04/2026 01:02

It's no longer my problem of course, but I assure you that the long holidays are recuperation time.

In my last year in my permanent teaching post, my HT informed me that teachers should expect to be sworn at.

It's gradually become worse. I know of several instances of pregnant women being hit in schools. As I've said elsewhere on these boards, it happened to me.

I have no idea why but around 2000 there was a distinct shift in attitude. When I was a young teacher, it was safe for a woman to break up a fight between two boys - there was an unspoken code of honour that meant that a teenage boy wouldn't hit a woman. Not now.

Between 2000 and 2018, I twice had a desk thrown at me, once was punched in the stomach whilst pregnant, and once was kicked in the stomach after suffering a miscarriage (not the same year). Misogyny has definitely increased: in both cases of my being hit in the stomach, the teenager concerned most definitely meant to aim for the stomach area. They were laughing while they did it.

The second time I was trying to keep out of reach since I was still uncomfortable - I'd miscarried at home - and the boy actually jumped up on a desk so that he could take aim at me with his feet.

I recall boys discussing how they had 'fun' at the weekend - they'd look for a loan teenager to jump. (A colleague's son actually sustained brain damage after such an attack. A young male teaching colleague was attacked at a bus station.) There is a different mindset nowadays and (in Scotland at any rate) the police avoid charging anyone under the age of 16 and current sentencing requirements mean that anyone under the age of 25 is unlikely to get a prison sentence.

I cannot tell you what the outcome was, but a teenage boy at a school where I worked some years ago used a pencil to stab a woman teacher in the neck. The police did attend. The local FB page was full of his neighbours complaining that it was the teacher's fault.

I did do a tiny amount of supply after my husband died but I couldn't go back full time to that, I really couldn't. In one week I was hit twice whilst stopping assaults, a young teacher was punched on the arm and a Pupil Support Assistant (whose wage is risible) was hit in the corridor whilst pregnant.

Those outside the profession have no idea of some of the things that happen. On several occasions, I've raised concerns about boys displaying behaviour that suggested that they were going to become sex offenders.

In one case, I was literally laughed at. The boy left school at 16 and committed the assault he'd described in his work - only the victim was much younger than the victim in his story.

So far as workload is concerned, I always refused to do exam marking [ETA for the exam board] though I can tell you from my experience of marking mocks that some subjects are less onerous to grade than others. (Unusually these days, I was qualified to teach three subjects and there were some years that I graded mocks/prelims for all three.)

My main subject took the longest to grade. One of the things that i definitely don't miss is spending most of my evenings and weekends marking.

It varies from school to school, but promoted staff at my school gradually lost their managerial time, so eventually we finished up doing all our paperwork after to hours, to the extent that I wasn't leaving the building until 7.30 pm (unless it was a parents' evening).

The final straw for me was when I got home late from work one night to find that my husband (by then a stroke victim) had scalded himself at lunchtime trying to make a coffee. That was when I tendered my resignation.

I only tutored twice - once as a favour to a friend where a youngster needed to learn English and once for a pupil who was being home schooled by the LA because he suffered from Cystic Fibrosis. I only saw him for maybe three months, just enough to supervise his coursework and mocks.

I wouldn't advise any young person to go into teaching these days. Possibly for a subject like P.E., but even that has its challenges nowadays. If you teach a subject that is allowed to be selective then that's possibly not too bad.

So far as primary is concerned, I've no first-hand experience, but I gather that the forward planning is dreadfully complicated and that the behavioural challenges are catching up with those in secondary.

Edited

This broke my heart ☹️.

I've always supported teachers and think most people still in teaching these days should be sainted, because you could offer me all the money in the world and I wouldn't.

I know you retired in less than ideal circumstances, but I'm glad you're away from that awfully dangerous environment.

ThisCantBeRightCanIt · 12/04/2026 07:55

I totally get your feelings I have some very wealthy friends and its hard not to be jelous sometimes. Dh has a good job and i do too if only part time (turned down more senior role to spend more time with dc) we budget, economise etc like most people.

I see my friends giant houses and I want that house, but do I also want the husband that is never home, the constant stress of a high level job whilst juggling dc. No I don't. I've made my choices about my life and wouldn't swap. I'm sure if we're genuinely given the choice you wouldn't swap either.

It's hard but try to focus on what you have. Comparison is the theft of joy and all that.

Claudiasfringebenefits · 12/04/2026 07:56

DuchessofStaffordshire · 11/04/2026 22:28

You've managed to retire at 57 and have benefitted from nice long holidays. Look at the positives and stop comparing yourself to others. If you want to improve your lot, do something about it.

This and surely this is going to be just a fleeting thought, if for all these years you have been sticking with what you have?

TheMustardSeed · 12/04/2026 07:57

ToffeeCrabApple · 12/04/2026 07:35

Also op ime people who owns their own business often work all the hours god sends them! They can be very difficult people to be married to, often inflexible, taking very little holiday etc. It can pay off longer term but can take a long time to get there and the journey is not a bed of roses. Also for every successful businessman there are 5 failed ones who lost everything or worked like a dog for years to barely make ends meet.

What you're describing sounds like being married to a teacher. Minus the pay.

BewareoftheLambs · 12/04/2026 08:04

TheMustardSeed · 12/04/2026 07:57

What you're describing sounds like being married to a teacher. Minus the pay.

Yes I agree, people dont realize that teaching takes over people's lives for very little monetary reward.

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