AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

I never understood why any of my contemporaries went into teaching.

There will always be people with more, however, there will be many more with less. Focus on how much you have rather than what you don't. Comparing to those who have more will only make you feel the way you do.

I do sympathise with how you feel, my husband does have a good job and earns a decent salary however my line of work pays significantly more - subsequently i've always been the main earner. Whilst we could live on his salary alone it would mean making some fairly big life changes. What was easily affordable even 5 years ago isn't now, it's stressful being the one that everyone relies upon, feeling trapped into having to maintain that level of income.

I have a number of friends who have a very nice lifestyle without that stress because of their husband's wealth - being dependent on another has its own drawbacks! You never know what the dynamic is behind closed doors.

Focus on the positives, happy marriage, healthy children, comfortable lifestyle. If you are struggling financially consider how to improve that - could you downsize or supplement your income with private tutoring?

You don't seem at all happy teaching, maybe consider leaving the profession altogether. The income it provides and the level of education you must have to be a teacher does mean you could do something else entirely fairly easily and match if not exceed your income.

Oh she straight up told me when I was like 16 and made a joke about marrying someone rich. Gave me a proper telling off which is very out of character for her normally she likes a joke and a laugh. She was pretty drunk at the time but we have had conversations since. There were some things she liked about him at the start, he is very handsome and can be really charming. I thought he was very cool when I was a kid because he had loads of gadgets in his house and he had a massive TV.

Can you make some friends with worse houses and horrible husbands so you feel a bit better about your situation.

Your friends made smarter decisions than you did. You also sound lazy and entitled. The lack of success and financial rewards in your career is entirely down to you.

I don't understand why OP can't even move into something more higher paid now in the teaching world - there must be lots of heads and deputy heads who are in their mid 50s and early 60s - could you have a final career push and aim for one of those roles - if only for a few years?
It is not as if you are 75

I think you're getting an unfair bashing here @TheAngryPuxie

For context I'm school support staff and do a second job at school one evening a week to make ends meet. If I didn't do the second job my mortgage and basic essential bills alone (not including running a car, food, pets, Netflix etc) would be over half my take home pay. I certainly can't afford a pension, and have no partner - high earning or otherwise.

Working with older kids in the current climate is utterly gruelling and I don't blame you for envying your friends who don't have to do it, but I suspect that envy is more about how unhappy you are at work rather than wishing you had a higher earning husband. One of my colleagues works two days a week in a non student facing role and does not stop moaning about it - do I roll my eyes internally - yes; am I a bit envious - also yes, but I still like her and just have a moan with her these days.

Is there anything you could do to change your job or get a better work/life balance? I'm planning to relocate and downsize (was supposed to going on the market this week but had had to put plans on hold for this year 🙄) so I can maybe work p/t all year round and clear my mortgage sooner.

If all else fails - does your mate really need a house tha big? Think of all the cleaning and maintenance...sod that!

Why would they? If they nearly sixty, they're likely to be mortgage free and building their savings and investments for a comfortable retirement.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Two teachers nearing the end of their careers. Surely, no child costs, mortgage ended, 2 above average salaries.

Potentially have a look at your spending and budgeting skills?

Your husband is close to retiring and is only on M6? This doesn't make sense.

You and your husband earn a lot more than I ever did, OP, and you will have index linked teachers pensions. I will just have the state pension, but I have my own 2 bed apartment with a little garden and I'm very happy with it.
We'll all be dead or in care homes in a few decades. Who cares then how big their house was? If you dont like teaching, leave and downsize to a flat. Enjoy your life. YOLO.

I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

Your poor DH.

He’s probably looking at other couples where the wife is much prettier and younger and also wishing he married better.

If you want more money then you should have chosen a different career.

He’s on £44k which is a lot, plus your salary once top.
You are hardly struggling and most people would be envious of your finances.

I don’t understand how you can be slagging his career off but have the exact one yourself.

People like you are just bitter and miserable.
You will always find something to be unsatisfied about.

It IS fair, because we all had careers choices when younger (or if inherited wealth, their parents had choices..). However, it is also reasonable to be a bit envious of their wealth.

What is stopping you starting a business and making 500K ?

Why does anyone go into anything?

My cohort of undergraduates on the 4 year teacher training I completed in the late 90s was full of young people (and a smattering of mature students) who were passionate about education and facilitating learning, about creating opportunities in young people's lives, about early childhood development, about social mobility, about childhood and bringing value and positive impact to children's lives.

Teacher training felt like a very positive place, full of the promise of a career invested in the betterment of society, not just of one's own prospects. This aspect of teachers' capacity for and commitment to service to a greater good has been simultaneously squandered and exploited by subsequent education secretaries -it is such a waste of and disregard for human potential.

Conditions were less exploitative then than now, so teaching didn't seem such a kamikaze mission.

Your financial situation sounds good to me. I wouldn’t dwell on it as life is too short and you can't take it with you.

I sort of know what you mean as a lot of our friends are wealthier than us with nicer / bigger houses and amazing holidays etc. However the reality is that they have been gifted money by family and their holidays are paid for. They didn’t have a student loan because their parents paid for it. Parents gave large (huge in some cases) house deposits. This may also be the case with your friends?

OP, I understand your frustration - dropped DD off to a play date last week and stoped for a cup
of tea with the mum. The house is amazing. Exactly like one from Ideal Home magazine. She has her own business and so does her husband.

I am also a teacher but DP isn’t. We earn well between us but not this level of well!

I often lament my career choice but don’t wish DP had been more ambitious. I wish I had!

You need to look at what you do have and, appreciate there isn’t a right or wrong in this situation. Many people would love to be in your position so why not enjoy what you do have?

Comparison is the thief of joy and all that.

Like others said, why does your husband need to have a better paid job. Why couldn’t you have been ambitious? Also you’ve retired TEN years earlier. Of course you’re going to need to be more frugal than someone who pays extra years into a pension and then retires.

Me too. His pension will be about £20,000. Mine is about half that because I went part time when I had chidren

So in retirement, you will have £30K in total from your teachers' pensions and (present rates) just under £26K combined state pensions.

That's £56K as pensioners.

I don't think you can quibble over that. It will put you in the top 40% tax band for some of it, too.

You asked if you were being 'unreasonable' to envy.

No, you're not but it's a negative emotion that will not make you happy or make any difference.

You've both had 30+ years to change direction and two teachers' salaries were never going to make you rich.

That's just how it is. There will always be people better off who have chosen a different career.

I think for your own peace of mind you need to let the envy go.

It's her friend who has retired.

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and [ she] recently retired.

OP is still working.

I have friends that teach. They lead great lives and enjoy their careers. Its a good career potential for many.

Agreed, so why are you saying your friends teach "as a hobby." It is not a hobby career.

Are you happy with your hubby? If you are not then tha’s a different story altogether. If you are happy, do things with your hubby that bring you both joy. My criteria for choosing a hubby was that he had to be minted OR useful. My hubby was sure as hell not minted when I met him (but is useful!) and we have decent jobs but are by no means wealthy but I feel lucky knowing I have food on the table, healthy kids, a roof over our heads, the NHS and live in a country that is safe and not at war like so many of those in the world right now. It’s ok to feel pangs of envy but use it to make your own life better by creating happiness and joy with your hubby.

OP I think you have to focus on what's really important in your life. I once read a quote that said you have a hundred problems until you have a health problem and then you have one. If you are healthy and in a happy marriage with a roof over your head then you are winning at life. My DH is similar to you. I'm a teacher and he has a good job but he bought his first home (flat) for a ridiculous amount 20 years ago before the house prices crashed and he was in a lot of negative equity. We have paid off the debt but it meant when we bought a house we had to settle for a smallish house (though I think it's perfect - I grew up in a council house with many siblings). He see people with similar incomes living in much bigger houses and he gets really annoyed about it. I get annoyed with him because we are so so lucky and I appreciate all that we have (I didn't have much growing up). Comparison is the thief of joy. It's natural to feel jealous from time to time but there will always be people (much) worse off who will look enviously at your life. Focus on the positives and you will be much happier.