AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

I am jealous of them too, I want a house like that and to be a SAHM!

You don’t know what their whole life is like, everyone has traumas and concerns that you know nothing about. Maybe they inherited money, which isn’t always a happy event.
It’s true that teachers don’t earn a fortune, but they have job security, enough to live well on and have a decent pension.So long as you have enough, happiness is in relationships, and not in flash properties.Enjoy your life.

Yikes- this is an ugly post, it basically reeks of “I’m jealous if my mates cause they married rich” poor you!
if you wanted that sort of lifestyle that’s up to you to get it, not look down on or feel bitter towards your husband because he hasn’t achieved that for you?!
maybe you need to start looking at what you perceive to be wealth, it’s not always money I can assure you.
maybe your friends rent? Maybe they are up to their eyeballs in debt, maybe they have full credit cards who knows - point is if you want those things you need to get them yourself and lose the ‘poor me’ attitude 🙄

These are really valid points and I agree with you.

But i more read OP’s post that her children were largely grown-up and what she was resenting was her retirement choices/future lifestyle as an empty-nester. My point was just that you need to consider future lifestyle at the point you marry. I’m not saying pick someone based on money. But rather accept if you marry a teacher that early retirement in a 5-bed house is unlikely - unless you want to be the breadwinner. Someone mentioned in an early post being accountable for your choices and I do think, if we all fully owned the likely future consequences of our choices when making them, it would remove a lot of later resentment.

Comparison is the thief of joy. Life isn’t always fair. Some people are fortunate. They might come from a family with a lot of money who help them, they might get a lucky break or win the lottery, they might marry someone with money. You are comparing yourself with people who have a lot. You could just as easily compare yourself with someone who develops a debilitating serious health condition or has a child with severe disabilities and has to give up work. There will be many people worse off than you. Best to stay in your own lane and enjoy life as best you can. Becoming resentful just makes you unhappy. I have to admit that I sometimes think things haven’t come easy but focusing on thoughts like that doesn’t improve anything. I don’t know how imagining that these people might be unhappy in other ways would help, they’re unhappiness wouldn’t increase your happiness.

Yes but he’s older than OP, say 60 odd. He would have a been crossing threshold well over 20 years ago when budgets etc were less tight and it wasn’t so hard.

I get what you’re saying about now but that doesn’t explain why he got stuck then.

Natural to have an attack of the green monster when you've just visited someone's amazing home, and are going back to your less amazing home and high stress job!
Think of the positives of your life and your choices when you can.

I agree.
As usual, most MNetters are saints. 🤣
IRL, I hear envy of the fortunate expressed on a regular basis, especially at work.

@Katie0909 you obviously don’t teach a subject that is at risk. My subject was erased & although I do teach another subject that’s also potentially at risk. I’ve been up for redundancy 3 times now & have managed to keep my job but it’s not quite as straightforward as you say.

I am now older & expensive so at risk of being pushed out.

@TheAngryPuxiethe teaching pension is one of the best out there - it’s not vulnerable to the fluctuations of the stock market, its index linked so will rise with inflation every year and you get a handsome lump sum as well as your monthly payment.

in theory you and your dh could be quids in come retirement. If one or both of you chose to remain at a lower grade rather than go for promotions, or you stopped work/ only worked part time then obviously your pension is reduced. But those are choices.

Your friend may seem very well off at the moment but what if her husband gets ill/ dies/business goes down the shitter…? She could actually be in real trouble. A huge house must cost quite a lot in upkeep. Does she even have her own pension provision?

honestly, being envious gets you nowhere. It’s also quite sad that in this day and age you aspire to a well- off husband rather than taking your own abilities and earning capacity seriously.

@LittleBearPad I know of teachers whose contracts following restructuring have been conditional on remaining on (or reverting to) M6. If there are reasons why a teacher wishes to remain in their role, they just have to suck it up. It's no different than in other sectors but teachers' pay and conditions in practice are not necessarily what they seem on paper.

I get where you are coming from. Those of us who choose vocation jobs don't get paid so well but get a great sense of positive contribution. Then retirement comes and it feels like a kick in the teeth.

Yes your friend has a big house and holidays, but you have a husband with a shared vocation and lots of shared experience. If you don't know what the husband does, does that mean the friend hasn't explained it? She may not be involved in his business at all, may not feel any sense of emotional connection to it. There could be things missing from her life that you and your husband have a wealth of.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush.

You and your husband chose a typical working class career, that promises security and pension and of course, the ability to successfully strike for a decent payrise. You have never been refused a mortgage, or even had to worry whether you will be able to pay it: You have regular paycheck after regular paycheck and an annual raise. You have child-friendly hours and have never had to shell out for holiday care. When you retire, you will have enough money for saga holidays and the M&S foodhall.

If you have the creativity and cojones to start your own business, there are years of no money and paying yourself no/little salary while the business takes hold. There is terrifying unpredicitability about whether you can afford to buy a house and then keep it. Any variable percentage of what you make will be taken from you every year, depending on what the government decides will win voters. You cannot decide what to pay your staff, who can go off sick any time and still get paid by you, who can be incompetent and still get paid by you. If you try to stop paying people who are not even providing you a service, you will end up in an employment tribunal. When the latest US oil acquisition campaign occurs, you worry about your overheads and whether you will even have a business next year. You work longer hours and get more stressed, while your partner supports you and your family. You pray that we don't get another pandemic: People making banana bread don't buy your product and you will lose everything.

Take the bird in the hand and sleep well at night.

Yes, but that hasn’t happened here. OP’s husband has stuck at M6. Absent a restructuring you will acknowledge that’s odd for someone of his age.

Ah yes, the kick in the teeth that is the TPS, pretty much the best pension it’s possible to have.

I'm not a teacher so I'm not sure of the ins and outs. My mam was a nurse and got an NHS pension which was great, but I know she still has to be careful with money so it's a world away from someone living in a five bed house with land and taking long holidays.

You're right, life isn't fair. Your husband could have died or left you for a younger woman for example, leaving you to run a house on half the money.

Her pension would have a lot less outside the NHS. It’s entirely possible she might not have had one at all other than the state pension. Employers only had to set up pension schemes for employees in about 2018. The minimum contribution is tiny.

Or world war three could happen and we'd all be dead.

@LittleBearPad but if your salary is modest it’s never going to be a huge pension. It’s only people who go into management who will have a healthy pension. Mine will be modest due to going PT when children were little.

That's true, that's my pension situation too. Knowing I'll likely have to work til 70 I find it all a bit too bleak to think about but know I should knuckle down and think it all through soon.

Well yes. However the chances of that are (hopefully) smaller than the OP encountering people who have more money than her.

I can't say what the reasons for the OP's pay stagnation are, but very little surprises me anymore. There is little congruence in how pay awards are arrived at: I had to pretty much double my workload and accountability to enter UPS, with each increment being a battle with SLT -yet I am a well-liked and valued member of our trust. This, while colleagues elsewhere are prompted to apply for UPS and smoothly ushered through the process with few requirements for evidencing whole school impact beyond the usual curriculum leadership roles.

@CinnamonJellyBeans it’s not child friendly hours during term time though - we need to be in school by 8.15 latest & when mine were little their school had no breakfast club & limited after school club spaces. We don’t really finish early with CPD & parents evenings.

So yes the bonus is that no holiday clubs are needed but the other 39 weeks/year require lots of juggling.

We can’t ever take cheap holidays even when children are older.

Not complaining as I knew all of this when I went into the job, but it’s not as straightforward as people think!

I am just wondering @TheAngryPuxie whether you are only envious of the houses?

Are you also envious of the long hours these men work and the women are alone with their kids and unsupported? Are you envious of the days, weeks of absences/travel when the wives have had to juggle jobs you perceived to be hobbies with sick children/hospital appointments/etc with no ability to reply on their DHs for a hand here and there? Are you envious of the many hours and weeks these women spend alone whilst their husbands leave the house at 6am and don’t return until 7-8pm? Are you envious of all the parents evenings and social events, the prom dress purchasing that they have to do alone? Are you envious of the fact that when they are sick with flu etc, they have no choice but to carry on and get their kids to school because DH has meetings/travel/has already left for the office or airport by 6am? Are you envious of the strain this probably places on their marriages, the possible impact on the bonds these dads have with their children given they leave before the children wake and return after they are in bed - until they are older at least?

Are you envious of the fact that for many of them they could be made redundant tomorrow or become bankrupt in the current market, possibly putting those lovely homes at risk, whilst your DH can be home most evenings by 4, share bed time routines, holiday care, and whilst your DH is on lower pay than these other husbands, he can rely on a job for life and a fairly decent pension?

Also, why is it down to the man to provide these things? With DH having the same teaching role as you, perhaps you could have shown some ambition, looked for a higher paying role, changed careers, started a business? Why wasn’t that something you considered while viewing the world through jade tinted lenses?

Just wondering…