AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

I was not trying to make her feel better. Why on earth would it make someone feel better to think their friend might actually have worries of her own?!?! What a weird viewpoint you have on other people’s motivations.

Teaching does not attract a ‘rubbish’ salary and few, if any, do it as a ‘hobby’ or for ‘pocket money’. How insulting.

That's not necessarily true - it depends entirely on the nature of the business. Sometimes, a few years of hard work initially leads to many years of stress free, high returns.

Or, it’s like, point out to yourself that fairy stories are fantasies. Nobody has a perfect life. It’s a good way of reminding someone to focus on their own issues, not to waste their time assuming other people don’t have any.

Or, it’s like, point out to yourself that fairy stories are fantasies. Nobody has a perfect life. It’s a good way of reminding someone to focus on their own issues, not to waste their time assuming other people don’t have any.

If she had had less than you, what you have felt?

Envy destroys happiness. I hope you can escape that feeling soon.

But they may not have issues and may be living a wonderful, happy life. Why not assume they are.

You're 57 not 67 or 77 you're perfectly capable and educated enough to fund your own retirement. Yabvvvvvu

You literally pointed out all the problems that OPs friend may have. It’s weird. Either be happy with your own situation or do something to change it. Sitting there thinking ‘they may have a better house than me……but they have this problem and that problem and maybe they’re in debt and maybe they won’t be able to sell their house etc’ is weird. My mum thought like that, she remained miserable.

Having a perfect life is a long way from having issues, many people are happy. It isn’t a fairy story. But if it makes you feel better to think it is, then that’s ok too.

Because some people’s happiness relies on knowing others are struggling. It’s a horrible way to be.

@ThanksItHasPockets I'm not trying to impose a subtext -I literally just accepted your explanation and said I didn't intend to 'reach'. I have also mentioned previously that my experience is regional, referencing the trusts operating in my county, and city in particular. Things may be different where you are, reflecting our different experiences.

I think you need to appreciate the security of you both having public sector jobs. My husband and I don't earn as much as lots of our friends but we have never had to worry about contracts coming to an end or redundancy and will have reasonable pensions. Your friend has probably had lots of stress with her husband starting his own business and made lots of sacrifices while he works long hours so they deserve to have reaped some rewards. Women who haven't worked/earned very little and have no pension are in a very poor position if they divorce so be grateful that you would be ok if it happened to you. In life there are the people who set up businesses and take risks, like your friend and her husband, and those who work steadily and securely, like you and your husband, so it's pointless to envy those who take a braver route than you as it probably wouldn't have suited you.

Yawn. It doesn’t make me feel better - I am very happy with my life, because it’s my life and I feel I have a good degree of control over it. I have made my own choices and learnt from both the positive and negative consequences. I do not waste my time being jealous of others and am interested in my friends, their lives and what makes them tick. To make assumptions about their lives - either that they must be blissfully happy, or that they must be miserable, and not take an interest in them and their real feelings seems, to me, to demonstrate a distinct lack of genuine interest in other human beings.

You sound so bitter. Focus on what you have, not someone else's life, or it'll eat you up. And you might lose the friendship because she can tell you're envious.

Apologies, I misread that you had already retired.

I do stand by the rest of my post about choices and either owning them or being master of your own destiny and making changes.

You sound pretty awful about your husband - how come YOU can’t earn more? Maybe OP - try and be a bit more grateful as you’re coming across as pretty god damn awful on here - I feel bad for you husband.

As someone who was brought up by a couple in a family toxic relationship (my dad was definitely financially abusive, emotionally too) every time I pass a big house I quietly hope that everyone living there is okay because as I get older I realise that these negative set ups with one person financially dependant on a not too kind wealthier partner are actually a lot more common than you think.

So id say in your case one in the hand is definitely worth two in the bush. You don’t know what sort of lifestyles lie under these grand facades and if you have a kind husband who respects you and you can have a laugh together I’d say you’re absolutely winning. No amount of spare bedrooms and fancy holidays abroad can bring peace of mind.

It's easy to slip into that kind of thinking. But what if retirement isn't so great? Think about what you do value in your current life. This is so important.
I'm in a similar boat - won't be retiring any time soon, unless through ill health. Someone I know worked for years with a good job, retired in her 50s. Now she is busy as a foster mum, giving back. It's the choices you make. Remember why you made them and be content. And remember there is no correlation between what someone has materially in life and their value as human being. None whatsoever. That's my advice.

Why do you need your husband to be more ambitious? If you wanted a better lifestyle why weren't you more ambitious? I don't understand why you think it's his job to earn more? Do explain? If you are relying on someone else to fund your lifestyle there's always a chance that they will leave you and the gravy train will end, like the countless women on here who post. YOU should have been more ambitious and chosen a career that has monetary reward if you wanted the fancy lifestyle, what was stopping you? And don't say children, plenty of women have children and earn 6 figures+, I work with many of them, my boss is on north of 150k and had 3 children, her husband didn't earn much (she told me this, she only took a few months mat leave), she's around 60.

I think the OP is getting a hard time here. It’s hard not to feel envious of others sometimes.

I think where she’s being unreasonable is resenting her husband who - presumably - never pretended to be super career-driven and earnings orientated.

But who you marry IS a financial/lifestyle decision just as much as the career you choose yourself. I dont mean this in a mercenary way - just a factual way that it will determine the lifestyle you can afford. I think people romanticise marriage when younger and then are resentful when older - and this is where the being unreasonable creeps in

You have no idea about seetting up, owning and running a business do you? Do you think it 'just happened' and became suffessful all by itself with little input from your friend's husband and her supporting him?

Would you be prepared to take the risk that starting a business entails? Would you have been prepared to support your husband to do that or did you want secure jobs for both of you, knowing that your salary would always be paid?

You and your husband made your own choices for the life you wanted, you clearly did not want the uncertainty, risk and presssure that starting and running a business entails. You lacked the courage to do as your friend and her husband did and now you are eaten up with envy because their hard woirk and gamble paid off, and running a business, making and keeping it a success is a gamble and hard work you only have to look around at the number of businesses that failed/are failing.

If you wanted the lifestyle of your friends then you could have made the choice to ensure that, you didn't and to bleat that life isn't fair because of your own decisions is daft.

Re: @TheAngryPuxie ‘s dh’s aspirations… surely one could accept a spouse being ambitious and very focused on career, and contributing less time and effort into child-rearing and household stuff (and earning well) OR not being so ambitious, and not focussing on career, or putting extra hours into career, but then putting more effort into child-rearing and family / household stuff - but OP’s dh seems to have done neither….? While OP has to shoulder the burden of working long hours in a job she doesn’t enjoy, while taking on the lion’s share of child-rearing and housework, while her dh has a lower-stress role, finishes at 3.00pm, and then doesn’t contribute to household stuff. I’d be furious about that too, to be honest.

If your husband will have an annual pension of £20k, you will have £10k, and you each will have the full state pension, that is a combined annual income of £55k. This is quite good and much better than the average retired couple, who have £30k between them.

Assuming you have paid off your mortgage and your children are self sufficient by the time you retire, you should be comfortable.

There will always be people with more. Comparing yourself to them will just make you miserable.

It's on you really, you should have decided how important money and material things are to you at the beginning of your career.
You were never going to afford the lifestyle you describe as a teacher- expecting your husband to be ambitious instead is simply not fair, presumably he wanted to teach like you did- why should he have to sacrifice what he wanted?
Being envious will just steal the joy from the life you have, and truly you only have yourself to blame- you see the big house and the retirement, but have you seen the struggle of the early years with them trying to get a business off the ground (over 75% of businesses fail in the first five years, this might be the 2nd or 3rd try)it's stupid to feel envious when you don't see the whole picture.the average salary is about £37,000, so your friends are not typical-perhaps get some different friends.