AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

Goodness me, the bitterness screams out of your last post! It's not only on your husband to 'have ambition' and work hard for more money. As others have pointed out, you could have had a different ambition and gone into a field more well paid. Being "traditional" is not a valid excuse. You chose to be "traditional". You're not significantly older than me - you can't say you weren't aware teachers weren't well paid and opportunities for advancement were limited compared to other careers. You can't say that, after a time, even without discussion, you realised your DH wasn't going to suddently move to a better paid career, meaning you could have made plans at that point. Just because you've trained to be a teacher, doesn't mean you always have to be a classroom teacher. You could gone on to be head of year or principal, you could have retrained for a uni post, you could have been a consultant who trains teachers or taken a role within the Dept of Education; or gone into training in the private sector. So many options. Perhaps you're most annoyed at the roads not taken, rather than your friend having a bigger house? Perhaps it's a gilded cage? Or perhaps she is genuinely happy because she made different choices and they worked out.

Life isn't fair and it's incredibly foolish to think otherwise. But you are still being massively unreaonable.

Maybe she supported him in growing that business either directly or indirectly through taking on all the housework and kids etc.

That’s a heck of a reach. I’m not implying correlation, much less causation. OP has told us that her DH is nearing retirement and on M6. In my experience, this is unusual. OP has also told us that he leaves every day at 3pm and takes no work home. In my experience, this is unusual.

@VeganMiniEggs - teaching is not a low paying career statistically- only if you are comparing with law, banking etc. DH and I earn 100k between us as ordinary subject teachers.

The salary quoted isnt reduced or paid pro rata- its an annual salary which is where you are confused. They dont get £33k minus the unpaid holiday. The 33 already takes that into account. its not considered a part time arrangement so its not reduced. its full time. i bet you dont feel you are paid for weekends even though a month includes weekends. Your advertised salary isnt reduced for weekends, they are just outside of working time. I think of it more like an annualised hour contract but its not quite that either!

Its actuallys based on a concept of directed hours plus 5.6 weeks paid leave. Then in addition to directed hours there is an expectation that they do all the work needed to deliver there lessons but they cant be directed on site to do so.

It is actually quite confusing. If they strike they get docked 1/365 of thier salary because its an annual salary but if they do supply they get 1/195 pay.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work

YABU. As others have pointed out, you could have chosen a higher earning career, or been more ambitious in the career you chose. Bit pathetic to expect your DH to work his arse off so you don't have to.

Oh, ffs. Of course she should just be happy for her friends. To point out that she knows nothing about the reality and it may well not be a reality she would envy is not telling her she should assume the worst, it’s simply pointing out the undeniable fact that running your own business is not a walk in the park and is considerably more risky than teaching, so to be jealous of the end result if you would not have enjoyed the journey to get there is a pointless waste of time.

You chose that job, there are better paid jobs you could have chosen
Don't blame your DH.

I’ve taught full time Secondary English for 30 years. 3 kids and a competitive academic school. My marking load is crazy but I managed it so it is possible. It all comes down to choices.

Do tutoring!

Thank you

I think you sound shallow. Do you really think that people who live in 5 bed houses are always happy and living the best life? Nobody knows what goes on behind closed doors. You friend could be extremely unhappy but just living in more comfortable surroundings. There are people in your town living in far worse conditions than you yet here you are moaning. Count your blessings and you might just become a little happier and more content.

You’re surprised people are different, have different things that matter to them and find different things attractive in a partner? You’re surprised that some people want a partner who is ambitious? 🤨

I grew up poor. Very poor. My parents had no ambition, they blamed their situation on others and were horribly jealous of others. Our childhood was miserable

There was no way I was going to live that life and I didn’t want a partner with characteristics like my parents. Low ambition isn’t attractive to me because I know where it can end up. I wanted to give any future children a better life than I had which meant earning well myself and choosing a partner who was ambitious and wanted to do well in their career. For me, these were just something I added to might list of needs in a partner along with other things like being kind, caring, intelligent, a good communicator, attractive etc.

You can pretend love overrides everything, but being poorer than you’d like to be and not having things you would like is stressful and can add strain to a relationship.

’You do you’….well yes. I chose a good career and a partner who suited me, as everyone should. I would have no more settled for someone who wasn’t ambitious than I would have settled for someone who was a crap communicator, emotionally unavailable, unkind, unattractive etc. I’m not sure why people think you choose love or ambition, money etc when it’s possible to have all.

@ThanksItHasPockets Having reread your post, you're describing a Venn diagram of people you don't know, and other people you don't know. OP's husband represents the overlap.
No reach intended.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

Teaching isn't a rubbish salary and it comes with a decent pension.

You said you have recently retired so I don't understand why you 'wish you didn't have to work' - you don't work any more.

People make choices - you chose to become a teacher and marry a man who was a teacher. It's not too late, you could choose to divorce him and look for a much wealthier man with a bigger house if you want to.

Or you could look at what you have and be grateful for that.

The only friend I have whose DH is "loaded"

(2 children in private school - mentioned frequently.
Large house in an expensive London commuter town - she managed to slip in how much was left on the mortgage. Not much considering how much it cost.
Luxury car he drives - very happy for them, they are doing well)

is married to a joyless man who I find incredibly boring. Not for me, she's free to keep him.

My sister on the other hand has 3 kids in private schools in the states about $50-60k/yr/child. Not a peep from her or her husband about it - i asked re fees as wanted direct conparison to independent schools here. They are just grateful that the kids are thriving. I wouldn't even think to be envious.

YABU because you’ve been together and working for decades. If you wanted a better retirement your husband AND you should have prioritised that long ago.

I can promise you your friend with the husband with a business definitely did that, I bet they made some sacrifices over the years. Having a successful business takes risk, sacrifices and a lot of hard graft. While those of us in employed work enjoy a lot more stability. But we all make choices.

I’m a single mum and separated from an ex who earns well (80K) and who will inherit a massive estate (1 million plus). Though I’m highly educated and professionally skilled, I work in a creative field with declining pay and make about 40K, with no pay increases, which just about covers costs plus I still get some child maintenance but won’t for much longer. I am sometimes envious of people with bigger homes, gardens, lots of space, money for fabulous holidays. I have to plan really carefully for my semi-retirement (I’m also late 50s) - I’ll probably keep working part-time as long as I can, I’ll be able to downsize eventually to be mortgage-free, and along with a small private pension and state pension I should be OK.

But I walked away from my ex’s wealth and the very comfortable later life I could have had. Another woman has that benefit now and I wouldn’t swap with her for the world. If you are happy in your relationship (or without one), that’s worth more IMO than a massive house. Of course if you have wealth and happiness too that’s great, but as PPs have said many wives of wealthy husbands with big houses are not necessarily having a great time.

So your pension income will be

DH - £20k + £12k state = £32k pa
OP - £10k + £12k state = £22k pa

Total = £52k pa

If your mortgage will be paid off, that’s a decent income.

I wouldn’t class it as high paying. For the amount of work required to do it well and the difficulty in dealing with some children and parents, it’s not high reward in any way imo.

I'm really not - I'm commenting entirely from my own (fairly extensive) experience, and the co-ordinating conjunction 'but' was there to show the contrast between the two groups of people. You don't get to insert entirely fictional subtexts on other people's posts because they don't directly support your perspective.

This is reminding me why I don't get drawn into threads about teaching any more. Teachers get cross if you don't agree with their every experience and everyone else just wants to teacher-bash. You keep fighting the good fight but I'm out.

Yes, but you’re trying to make her feel better by saying they might be struggling in some way. It’s a weird thing to make yourself feel better by pointing out others might be having issues. You need to be able to be happy even if everyone around you is doing better than you, you need to be ok with your own life as you will never be truly happy.

Absolutely agree. And it’s very common. Sadly, it’s like well just tell yourself there life is miserable in other ways, then you will feel good again, it’s horrible at its core.

But on the flip side, lots of people running successful businesses will amass millions over a lifetime - which is why they can afford a beautiful home and a life of luxury.

I’m sorry @TheAngryPuxie you sound very frustrated and unhappy, and you also sound like you are very stressed and overworked. While more money can really help, it doesn’t automatically lead to happiness. I wonder if there is anything that you can do to change things within your own life, that would make life feel easier, happier, and reduce the frustration and resentment that you feel? I also suspect that you might be focussing on the lower household income that you have (due to your lower earning dh), when actually there may be bigger issues that are causing you unhappiness. I wasn’t sure if you meant in your post that your dh finishes at 3.00pm, then doesn’t contribute to household tasks / family things - that for me woukd be a major issue. It sounds like you are carrying a significant burden, and I think you are not wrong in feeling a huge amount of resentment towards him if that is the case - this needs dealing with, otherwise it is going to continue eating away at you. I would also look at your employment - is there a different setting you can work in, or could you switch sectors and find a job that utilises all your transferable skills? The other thing to think about is that if you do need to work up until state retirement age, then you should start thinking about how to switch to a role that is much more sustainable for you as you get older. It sounds like you may be in burn-out from your current role. Good luck. (Sorry my response is slightly off at a tangent, but you sound like you are struggling - and I don’t think that is just because of your relative household income)..