AIBU to envy friends with wealthier husbands and easier retirements?

[TheAngryPuxie]

Just had coffee out with a friend and then went back to her house. She is similar in age to me (I am 57) and recently retired. I know she didn't earn much as she told me that she earnt sround £32,000 a year. My husband, like me, is a teacher and IS close to retiring. He's on about £44,000. I know that sounds a lot but after mortgage, bills, etc thers's not much left. I try to economise with the food shop, buying supermarket own brands,etc, I buy almost everything in charity shops, discount stores, etc. We rarely eat out or have takaways. My friend's husband runs his own business and, I don't know what he makes, but when I saw their house I was stunned. It is absolutely beautiful with 5 double bedrooms, 3 of them with en-suites, massive kitchen, dining, living room area,, downstairs bathroom and a large utilty room, large garden with another little 'bungalow' at the bottom, plus double garages, etc.

I have worked hard my whole life in a really stressful and demanding job and all of my female friends and colleagues seem to have one thing in commmon: their husbands earn a lot of money meaning they can afford to stay at home or earn a rubbish salary like teaching (which they are doing more as a hobby or for a bit of 'pocket money'). They have long holidays abroad and a lot of other luxuries I just can't afford.

AIBU to envy these women and think that life isn't fair? I love my husband, but sometimes wish he was more ambitious and that I could have a gorgeous house and didn't have to work.

Teachers i know have a good work/ life balance, huge holidays and gold plated pension schemes

Also, the model of man with a big job / wife earning pin money isn't one I'd aspire to. I'd prefer more equality in a relationship

If you are familiar with teacher pay grades, surely you are aware of the double-bind which experienced teachers find themselves in with regard to the risk of applying to access the upper pay-scale? (I explained it upthread if you're not in education.)

I have more colleagues and friends still on M6 after long careers spanning decades than on the upper pay-scale as in our city, the academy trusts running the majority of schools are ruthless in their use of 'support plans' to manage out experienced teachers who have dared to 'ask for more' and to earn the upper pay-scale salary their wealth of professional experience and considerable length of service really entitles them to. At my own school, we have lost one colleague per year since 2020 to 'early retirement', 'spending more time with family', 'ill health retirement', 'seeking opportunities elsewhere' as a result of the cut-throat practice of these support plans, the conditions of which they could never have met -constructive dismissal of healthy, vibrant colleagues in their 40s and 50s, by stealth. But the school budget is looking healthier and newly qualified colleagues have been hired to take their places.

Nobody has applied for pay progression for the last few years as it is so obvious where it leads: our departed colleagues serve as a living reminder of the inevitable outcome.

That sounds like how it used to be twenty years ago. Much has changed.

The two teachers I know are literally on their knees trying to survive a day at a time.

OP, I am in your shoes in that my partner earns far less than me and I live in a tiny leaehold flat with my children. A far cry from where I was expected to go (first class degree in maths etc).

Life has a way of throwing things at us, which means we go separate paths that can seem unfair. I have friends whose husbands work in the Middle East and their houses are amazing. However, they have the same challenges, just different. One has to deal with an absent husband, working away. Another friend's husband cheated and one other lady I went to school with is extremely unhappy with her 'trapped' life with multiple problematic children.

Swings and roundabouts - wealth does not always equate to happiness.

I do think you're right about the educational system. Long hours, awful teens to deal with and a salary which doesn't reflect the effort you put in. If possible, see if you can slowly move into a more admin role within the school or something away from the classroom. Maybe have some sick leave (if you feel overwhelmed) to reset. You're probably part of a union, which may offer help with your working conditions.

I'm sorry you are not happy.

My sister is in a similar position. He is largely absent - either at work or golf. Their expensive holidays don't compensate for what she has to pick up the other 47 weeks of the year.

Every time I see a teacher write this I start to really doubt their intelligence

You are paid an annual salary. How it is divvied up is neither here nor there.

Just because people appear wealthy it doesn't mean they're cash rich, a quick check of their business on companies House might tell a different story. I knew a family lived on a huge estate with staff, ran an events company weddings tipis etc.
Their company is £650,000 in debt! All that glitters is not gold!

If you say so.

YABU. You're retired at 57. If you want more money go and get another job instead of complaining your DH, who is still working, doesn't earn enough. If you look outside your own little bubble you'd find you're in a better position than most.

If she’s on an average salary (or none) there’s going to be a power imbalance. Her dh can go out and buy anything he wants without her permission, can she?

My ex earned alot and we had 5* holidays etc but I was very miserable (for several reasons). I would never want such an imbalance in monetary power again.

Houses, no matter how nice, is just ‘stuff’. A home is what matters.

Like I reiterate you both choose to be teachers. Her DH chose to risk capital and set up a business.

It's an annual salary

Yes there is some admin around how the salary is paid and split up, but the posts get advertised as an annual salary

Alternatively you can say it is 10 month pro rata salary and therefore the actual annual salary amount (if not pro rata'd) for op husband is (44000÷10 )x 12 - so £52000.
But what's the point, that's entirely hypothetical.

I'm in the profession. I know very few teachers close to retirement who have not crossed the threshold and / or have no TLR, but then I know very few teachers who leave at 3pm and take no work home, as OP describes.

You must have known that you chose a fairly low paying career, and that you married someone in the same fairly low paying career, so it was unlikely you would become wealthy from your careers. You may feel envious of friends who have more, but I think just try to be happy for your friends and concentrate on your own life.

It does show the importance of choosing a career that can pay for the life you would like and choosing your partner wisely.

Hi OP
I understand your feelings but it's it's important that you keep in perspective.
There will always be people who have had it easier and harder too.
One of my friends (female) has always been the main bread winner due to her husband's health issues and lives a very modest lifestyle. Would have liked to have purchased a house but circumstances didn't allow.
I have friends who live in amazing homes which were able to be purchased due to their husband's income.
There are people who have had to downside after divorce.
I have always worked full time and more to keep things going(single parent) & my home and lifestyle is less financially than the majority of my friends but I consider myself very lucky to have able to achieve what I have.
I am not criticising you OP, your feelings are perfectly valid but we can keep on comparing.
I worked with a lovely lady who had massive inherited wealth. At the same time I was working overtime to keep overdraft in control.
Yes, life is seemingly unfair but not just in material terms.
Illness, premature death, childlessness, imprisonment, severe mental health issues, addiction etc etc. These can affect us all.
Take a deep breath and work on reframing your mindset OP

@JLou08 OP is not retired, her friend is. They're both 57.

Comparison is the thief of joy.

I'm saying YABU as my husband is 48 with a terminal illness. As long as you have your health and have enough money to pay the bills you can be happy. Jealousy is the thief of joy.

Choosing your partner wisely????
In terms of financial status??????
Holy Lord, I find it incredulous that people will choose potential partners on their financial potential????
On another note, it's seems that some people may underrate the enormity of the impact of good teachers and teaching staff. Myself and family members have been on the receiving end and benefited hugely from good teachers. Enough said

I agree.

I am a business owner and while there can be big pay offs if your business makes it and continues to be successful long term, there are lots of downsides, especially if you're building it from scratch.

I get no sick pay, took a few months maternity leave, no holiday pay so any holiday I go on costs me an extra few thousand in lost income. Changes to the economy have the potential to sink my business, the pressure of generating new contracts and clients. It's difficult to put away for a pension if it's been a "bad" month.

Saying that, the business has grown year on year, I have a lot of autonomy and I find my work very fulfilling.

It has the potential to earn me both significantly more and significantly less than the average income/pension.

I have made my choices and there have been and will be consequences to that.

I feel this presents a false equivalence, almost as if you're saying that OP's husband's work ethic is representative of colleagues later in their careers who actively chose to remain on M6 as a means to safeguard their careers.

In our (huge) trust, support plans are common practice, and colleagues working in the other two trusts which manage the lion's share of other schools in our county report the same. Colleagues are frightened off applying for UPS. The colleagues I know who have remained in the classroom on UPS are in local authority schools.

I barely speak to my sister because she can’t reign in her envy - she openly says that she’s jealous, all the while taking endless digs. She once threatened to “steal” my husband off me while she was blackout pissed and trust me I have never forgiven that: I know she won’t remember, I’ve never raising with her - but it’s NOTED. She probably would too - she has form for such behaviours.

My sister is eaten up by jealousy. Don’t be like that.
She’s lonely angry and bitter and it’s largely been her own doing.

Well yes. If having a high standard of living and an ambitious partner are things that are important to you, then by marrying someone who is a teacher and who isn’t ambitious, you’re not going to be happy.

You can pretend that money doesn’t matter, but it does, and it matters to some more than others. Also, having a partner that isn’t ambitious is a real turn off to many people.

OP should have secured a better career for herself to be independent also being as money, having a big house etc matter a lot to her.

Nah, life isn’t fair. I tend to find that the call on what is fair and what isn’t is often a matter of perspective. I’m sure there are lots of people who have worked incredibly hard in minimum wage jobs with the minimum allowed holiday and only a state pension who feel life isn’t fair too.