To think being angry works

[sallover]

I have two kids (2 and 5.) I’ve read the books and what you’re supposed to do to deal with poor behaviour or habits and I was doing it.

And it wasn’t effective in the slightest.

So for instance my five year old pees all over the place when he goes to the toilet. For well over a year now I’ve been consistent and made him go back and clean it. It’s been hugely disruptive because he often argues and refuses so then deal with that but calmly made him clean it.

And then I lost it with him at the start of the holiday. I properly yelled at him for quite a while and made him cry; told him it was disgusting, dirty and unpleasant for others. And he hasnt done it since.

We had it again this morning where he was getting frustrated with a toy. At first I sympathised and helped but he just kept roaring and screaming. So I told him he could either stop and play calmly or I’d remove it because it was unpleasant for everyone else to listen to screaming.

No doubt someone will ask why I posted on AIBU because I don’t think I’m being unreasonable and it isn’t quite as simple as that. I don’t want to be a horrible shouty mum they are scared of. Equally though I don’t want them running rings round me and it did feel like they were tbh. (The stern / firm voice never worked either before anyone suggests that.)

Are you aware how small kids recieve communication
"Dont run off " -hear "run"
So
" hold my hand and walk with me the road is busy"
You get the gist

It’s ok, he knew he was doing wrong. Explanations were unnecessary. So many saintly parents on Mumsnet - I swear I don’t know any in real life.

Yes, I have read the books. I know - you’re supposed to tell them what to do, not what not to do. Made no difference. Ds, come and sit next to me on the sofa was ignored as much as ‘ds, stop standing in front of the TV and blocking everyone’s view.’

I think this is largely what I’m saying: the theory just wasn’t effective. I liked the idea of it but when I put it into practice it was just not working so I do think I had to change something.

You’re absolutely right. I’d rather raise my voice occasionally to get my point across than have two pampered little princesses doing exactly as they please while mummy and daddy walk on eggshells around them.

It becomes female white noise.

Mine did this
I followed it with removing him from the tv if he ignored me the first time so whatever I asked happened
Im not endlessly nagging DC
If they didnt do it the first time then it happens anyway.

I do wonder whether my version of shouting is different to yours btw
My father literally rocked the house, Im not opposed to sterness at all and mine knew not to mess with me but I couldnt shout to save my life

As far as I can tell lots of people have mistaken gentle parenting for never telling their child off.

My understanding is that GP is rooted in authoritative parenting and advocates no violence or aggressive shouting.

I am not here for the abject shit some kids are allowed to get away with.

I do not hit under any circumstances. I do shout sometimes but generally speaking it’s rare.

My teenager is polite, pleasant, and at his last parents evening we were told he is a very lovely kind and pleasant boy who is never rude or impolite.

Therefore I feel like we’ve done something right.

Actually hissing anger can be a highly effective alternative for those not blessed with a foghorn pair of lungs. An insistent whisper in the ear yielded some good results when mine were pre- schoolers doing something dangerous or anti social.

Then they gravitate back so you move them again and two years on you’re still doing it.

I don’t doubt it works for some but it didn’t for mine. Neither did the hiss. Finds it funny (and I know children laughing isn’t necessarily a sign of amusement but it still doesn’t ensure cooperation or respect so it didn’t work.)

I kind of agree, it’s a shame that losing your shit seems to be the only way sometimes but I do believe for us it is.

Hopefully your children are lovely and automatically respectful to adults out of the house. But sometimes the kids who are never just TOLD at home and exposed to some justified anger from parents are the same ones disrupting the learning of others in school and treating all adults as their inferiors.
Food for thought, as you say.

I found " the look" effective 😅

Me losing my shit occasionally seems to get everyone back in line. It’s like they don’t take me seriously until I turn full banshee.

Omg they were told!
Hell yes very firmly and " the look" could stop my DS immediately
Im not advocating mimsy " Pleeeease dont do that darling x 100 parenting at all

I just dont shout at my DC or anyone really

Shouting doesn’t work for my child, it disregulated him further. I’d love to yell and the problem go aaay. Unfortunately I have to do that annoying, consistent, calm parenting that pays off in twenty years.

Unfortunately this exactly matches my experience.

I don’t know if people replying who wouldn’t do this either have very compliant children or perhaps only one? I do find my children much, much easier one to one; they don’t get whipped up as much and are more likely to listen to me. I can quell DD with a firm / stern voice but not when accompanied with ds.

Same

I do wonder if my firm telling off = another persons shouting though
My experience of my Fathers incandescent rage might not be what Op means
Im absolutely not a pushover at all and do not keep on repeating myself endlessly either.
1-2-3 Magic worked for us
Me 1
DS Yes ! 2-3 Im doing it 😂

I’m a little bit uncomfortable with shouting over toilet habits, I have a problem with my toilet habits as a direct result of being placed on an unfamiliar foreign toilet and held there until I went by my frustrated parents as a 5 year old. While I cried and screamed. I was simply scared because German toilets look different. So yea, screaming that he’s dirty might not have a good psychological impact on his future relationship with the loo

I definitely didn’t say he was dirty, it was that it (urinating all over the seat and the floor) was dirty which it is.

Today the children have been on a little woodland walk, followed by lunch in a cafe, played games at home until ds went to a party and dd stayed with DH; they’ve both been read to, praised for their good behaviour and comforted when upset. I genuinely don’t think sometimes showing them I’m fed up of something and am angry and frustrated as a result is a bad thing. I think sometimes when you’re too calm it can be robotic and that’s possibly the mistake I was making: it was almost winding them up more and I know when dd is getting into meltdown mode I almost need to get a bit annoyed with her to snap her out of it.

lol I start the countdown and my eight year old yells “STOOOOOPPPPPPP” and still doesn’t do it.

It's probably taken eighteen months to two years for my 5yo to not protest about hand washing anymore (started while potty training and kept it up until a few months ago). It was never really a question for me, I just trusted he'd eventually develop the maturity to do it even if he doesn't really like it, and he did. It didn't seem like me getting angry would help him mature faster. At best it might scare or shame him and make it into even more of an issue down the line

If it was just about the peeing I would agree but I think it was a wider issue of not listening to me and me not really being in control.

I am always delighted when another authority figure in his life tells him off and he defers to it. I’m literally laughing my head off in my mind, as he can’t Billy Big Balls his football coach or his headmistress. Secondary school is going to be very interesting indeed as my eldest tells me the teachers take no shit whatsoever.

Peeing on the floor IS shameful though

It’s much too simplistic to claim ‘shouting’ at kids is only leading them by fear and that the parent has modelled having lost control of their emotions. I have twins and there have been a good few times that shouting has been the only way to keep them safe and in check. I’m perfectly in control of my emotions when I have chosen to shout at them, and they have not been scared but know it happens when they have been really out of line and unsafe. Something being unpleasant for the does not necessarily equal fear.

@Didimum i have read that twins can be difficult in terms of discipline because they seek approval from one another, not you. Similar can happen with my two - not twins but quite close in age.

They are lovely kids when apart. Mostly!