AIBU to wonder what work are expecting me to do?

[FriskyHeeler]

I've worked at my current employer for 3 years and recently had a change in circumstances (in February) which means I have no childcare for my 3 children after school for 1-2 days out of the week. They have been understanding and accomodated my needs so far but have asked me to look at what realistic options are available and have called a meeting for next week to discuss, as the situation is not sustainable long term. I'll outline the facts below, please read carefully because it's not as simple a solution as most people seem to think.

• I work 8.30 - 5pm Monday to Friday and it takes me 30 mins to get to and from work.
• My husband works 8 - 4.30 Monday to Friday, his office is an hour away and he works from home on Thursdays and Fridays. Soon to be 3 days a week. He used to work nights, so would drop off and pick up the kids each day, however the strain on family life, our relationship, his mental health was not sustainable and he had numerous breakdowns over a long period of time and he changed jobs. Not ideal but I won't make my husband do a job he hated when it made him want to kill himself every day. He can be quite volatile and in the past this has affected work when he last left for periods of time so I've been left to sort the kids 100% of the time, at times. Work know things are rocky and my line manager thinks I should leave him but this would only make the situation more difficult.
• Our kids are 3, 5 & 9. The 3 & 5 year olds attend the same school/nursery and the 9 year old attends a different school.
• 2 out of the 3 kids have special needs and are settled in their schools. They previously attended the same primary school but had serious issues so we had to move them.
• Both schools have breakfast club, 1 starts at 7.50 and the other at 8.10, this obviously means I am often 10 mins late to work on the days they are in club.
• Neither school has ANY after school provision.
• We unfortunately live in an area where wrap around care isn't in demand, so options are pretty non existent.
• There are no childminders in the area that currently or are willing to pick up from either/both of their schools.
• Their are a couple of local nurseries that do after school club and they collect the kids from school and walk back to their premises. 1 of my kids is a flight risk so I do not feel comfortable with this as an option. He has escaped and ran off from his old school twice before.
• We cannot afford a nanny, prices are between £15 - 20 and hour when I have enquired and tbh, given my kids additional needs, I don't think anyone would last a week with them, they are VERY full on.
• My dad can collect the kids 1 day a week at an absolute push but it's his only day off and if he has plans it's not a given he can do it, I don't expect him to plan his life around MY kids. My dad works the other 4 days a week and my mom doesn't work but has stopped driving for health reasons so cannot pick them up and she is not physically able to walk/get the bus etc and as previously stated, 1 of them is a flight risk and she wouldnt be able to run after him if needed. A taxi for her to pick them up and go back to hers would be far too expensive multiple times a week as she has done this once before in an emergency and it was £30 for one pick up, let alone 2.
• There are no other parents at either of their schools that we know well enough to ask. We have no other friends or family in the area at all, aside from my mom and dad.
• So far, on days where my husband is in the office, I finish work at 14:40, pick up the kids from school and then log on at home for the remainder of the day, sometimes beyond 5pm.
• I am a supervisor and our team is growing and I will be responsible for up to 12 people eventually so work are saying I cannot effectively supervise if I am not in the office. We also have a lot of new team members (one being another supervisor) who are not fully trained so things tend to fall to shit a lot of them time if I am not there.
• Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked. My line manager and our department manager knows this all too well, but are still pressuring me to find some magical solution that doesn't exist so I can be there 8.30-5 every single day. They've not said they will get rid of me, and I don't think they would, but they're saying I need to work my hours I am employed to do. I agree with this and have no issues with that, I've often said I will taken leave, take the time unpaid etc and they have always said no.
• I could put in a flexible working request to reduce my hours 1-2 days a week, but it would actually be a waste of time, as they can and would refuse it for a legitimate business reason.

I don't know what to do or what I'm supposed to say during this meeting. If you've thought of something I haven't explored above then please please let me know. I'm obviously going to explain all of the above in detail about what I've looked into and why it's not a viable option and see what they say. I'm also considering telling them I'm looking else where for something more flexible in the hope that they back down, but I don't actually want to leave, I really do enjoy working there and don't want to jump ship and end up being somewhere I don't like, or having to take a pay cut that I can't really afford.

kindly, and as a working mum myself, your childcare issues are not their problem or responsibility.

The employers pay you to work like all of our employers it is not their issue

I do understand that and never said they were 🤷🏻‍♀️

And nor are your marriage issues their business!

You use the after school club at the nursery and explain about the concerns you have about your child .
your childcare issues are not a work problem

It looks like the best solution would be to go with the nursery and throw everything at trying to resolve the flight risk issue. Would a wrist strap help?

These comments I think op is aware that childcare is her responsibility… 🙄 anyway…

@FriskyHeeler there doesn’t seem much you can do if you think a flexible working request will be declined.
I think you’ll need to reconsider nursery
or find a magic money tree to pay for a nanny
find a new job ?

I think you are going to need to find a babysitter who drives. Depends where you are but there's Koru Kids (I'm not sure they're national though), childcare.co.uk, Bubble, Sitters... Yes it will cost but losing your job would be very expensive so see it as an investment? What are your thoughts regarding secondary for the eldest? Will s(he) be able to get there with public transport? Are they going to need an EHCP?

Senior HR here. And also a working, travelling parent who refuses to take on all responsibility for managing childcare. How old are the children?

You have only looked at solutions which don’t involve your husband making adjustments - not clear why when it seems to have been the night shifts rather than childcare leading to the mental health challenges.

You are in the office daily and spend 5 hours a week commuting. Your husband is about to reduce his commute by 2 hours a week and will be at home more. Is there not scope for him to work slightly longer days on his office days and on his WFH days take a break from 3pm till 5:30pm then log back on for an hour? If he did this on 2 days and you continued your 14:40 gap on the other this would split it fairly?

I think you should flip this and go into the meeting with a good understanding of what you expect work to do for you. Bring some practical suggestions and be prepared to compromise and offer them something from your work that they would not get from hiring someone else - experience, special education or aptitudes/competencies etc. But go in with humility, understanding that they owe you nothing and you are the unreasonable party in this negotiation. As unfair as that may seem, it is unfortunately the objective truth. I wish you good luck.

You need an after school nanny. Yes it could be expensive. There are alot of websites you can advertise on and meet and interview people before you decide that this option does not work.

I understand my childcare issues are not their problem, nor are my marriage issues, but they're making it their problem by getting involved and asking for meetings to discuss. They say they want to work with me and support me, but there are no viable options in my opinion. I'm not going to willingly send my child somewhere where he could escape before he's even gotten there. Also I feel their behaviour could be an issues, as advised 2 of them are SEN, the eldest was banned from breakfast club at his previous school, and the middle has been banned from the holiday club provision we usually use and our old child minder (before he started school) gave us notice and even pretended she was giving up childminding in order to not have to look after them anymore. It's not just a case of oh send them anywhere they will be fine/nursery will have to figure it out.

As a manager of a large team, I’m always more than happy to be flexible and accommodate.
Childcare, illness, bereavement, cars breaking down etc etc.
My attitude, as long as your work is done and you’re transparent.

But, in your situation this doesn’t sound like something that’s going to resolve for the next five years or so.

With you working from home - why does everything fall to shit? You are then clearly not enabling your team to work effectively without being micromanaged.

I would come at this with a solutions focussed approach that allows ongoing flex - not threaten to quit because it’ll probably backfire.

Explain clearly the situation and limited options, and say I’m going to upskill X to step in on the two afternoons I can’t be here, I’m going to implement this process that allows for X and mitigates risk, I’ll wfh on this day and balance it by doing this. Etc.

Propose a real solution that allows you the flex AND keeps your job. Because you go in there with arms flailing and making out like they HAVE to support this - well I would tell you to go.

It's good your dh is working from home some days, could he reduce hours on the other days to pick them up? Might be easier in his job than yours.
I would think nurseries need to try to cater for additional needs so worth having a proper conversation with them.
They might need to go to separate childcare, don't rule that out (different schools). It's not the schools job to sort it out but sometimes they might know of childcare options that you don't, so worth speaking to them too.

I suppose the general options are:
Your employer acknowledges they want to support you and keep you in the team, so they give you long-term flexibility for those 1-2 days a week, and review whether the team/your performance are genuinely affected by it. Maybe that could be to continue logging on later as you are, working 3 long days and 2 short days, or permanently reducing your hours (e.g. 4 days over 5, so you can leave early).

You try to nursery after school care and hope they can manage. Tbf, that would solve the problem easily. I can understand you feel worried, but you haven't tried it so you can't know it wouldn't work...

You or your DH change jobs to accommodate the childcare.

You can only ask them if they are willing to be flexible and come to some agreement, as you just can't work 08.30-5.00 on those two days, unless you consider the nursery (or childminders, but I know you can magic up money from nowhere)

If you can’t figure it out so that you can do the job they need you to do, you’ll have to admit this and hand your notice in.

I've looked into this, it's far too expensive, we simply cannot afford it. And there are very few options, as stated the area we are in there is practically nothing.

Having read your update, it sounds like you are looking at two expensive nanny afternoons a week, or possibly not being able to do the same job (or of course dh reducing his hours).
It would probably be worth the financial hit in the long term

This is incredibly difficult for you.

I think you discuss the flexible working request with them. Could it be they need a formal request in order to do things to mitigate you leaving the office early i.e. employ another member of staff

It's actually not good that things turn to shit when you're not there. That's not good supervision. Could you think about ways you can turn that around? If things didn't turn to shit without you they may be happier to accommodate flexible working.

In the meantime, I assume you're doing this already, but keep an eye out for more flexible work. It doesn't sound like there is a magic childcare solution you haven't thought of so realistically whatever job you do will have to work around them

Not to toot my own horn but i am the glue that holds the entire team together, and effectively, if I were to leave because I need more long term flexibility, they would be absolutely fucked.

Graveyards are full of indispensable people OP.

Yet the world and industry keeps on turning.

Equally worth thinking about - the fact they are asking for a meeting about it is a clear indicator that the current set up isn’t working. Tread carefully with how you communicate this.

I understand regarding flight risk, my 5 yo is the same. Get some wrist straps.

I also think you could send them to two separate childcare providers if no one is willing or able to collect from both schools.

Your other option is dropping down to part time if work can’t match your WFH request.

They are not making it their problem. You are arriving late for work, leaving early and I assume wfh when you also have the kids with you which is a big no no in any place I have worked

Honestly I think your only option is to reduce hours or leave.
You never know, to keep you they might agree reduced hours (my work did after my second child)

Of course they want a meeting to discuss this, they need to have stability in the team and they can see that this is ongoing not just a week or two. I understand it is difficult but from your posts it seems you just want them to accept the changes with no discussion or consultation. That just isn't going to happen.

I agree with the poster above who asked about what is your husband doing to adjust? This is his issue just as it is yours.