AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

[ladyrushford]

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

He has PR and therefore has the right to share his sons information with whoever he likes
He doesnt have the right to share his wifes personal information with whoever he likes of course.

I think I’d just say “fuck it!” and go nuclear on DH and the ILs.

Being polite isn’t getting you anywhere so I’d be telling DH he starts to put boundaries in with his parents or he runs back and lives with them as you will have had enough.

ILs would be told they paid for a service that you have used but it doesn’t entitle them to all the details. If they can’t respect that, then give them the money back and avoid like the plague.

They are conversations I would only ever have once. After that, I’d be avoiding them all.

My PIL managed to find ways to engage with DD without reading the full ASD report. They managed by informing themselves how a female teen is often presenting, asking us specific questions how DD would like them to support her during visits (overnight stays due to distance in location).

They don't need to read a medical report, they can ask questions and parents can support them by providing information or pointing them in directions.

Just ask therapist for copy.od rjw report with your family medical info redacted . I honestly dont see the issue tbh it wouldnt bother me in the slightest,but we are all very open on our family about most things excluding intimate issues .

Thank you! Not sure why so many people have missed this!

Classic behaviour of narcissists with cash. My aunt is like this, if you give a gift that's the end of it, you're not beholden to them. My aunt contributed to weddings and felt she somehow had a say over things because of it.

I'd remind your husband they aren't sharebolders of a business that they want the accounts for now, if they wanted to GIFT the money for these sessions then fine, but that's the end of it. The session reports are in your gift to then share, if you don't want to they aren't entitled to demand them because they've paid.

Your husband is a problem however, he needs to back you.

This is what I would do. I would print it out, black out the private bits / bits I didn't want them to see. And then I'd photocopy the amended version (to prevent them reading / trying to make out the text under the black areas). And tell them that information was sensitive and private.

OR wait and give them the school copy.

But in future, I would just pay on booking for anything you do for your children. Don't give your 'D'H a chance to run to them cap in hand. Just remove him and them from the payment equation.

Let them buy clothes or toys or experiences instead.

This. In spades.

I would ask dh if he wanted his parents to pay for the marriage counselling too...

As a mum of a child who has lots of difficulties please do not share this report. Your son has a right to privacy. If your MIL is a gossip it will become a topic of gossip.

Me and Dh share virtually nothing with MIL except the positive things our kids have achieved because she is also a gossip and everything is "family" gossip." her words not mine. She shares everything you tell her. As a result me and dh share very little with her out of respect for our children privacy. My mother is a bit critical so we only share what we want her to know although she isnt a gossip and wouldn't ask to see the report.

Rip your dh a new one and give your in laws the money back. A gift of money which comes with expectations of sharing your childs struggles so your MIL can gossip is no gift at all. This is just the beginning of it all.

Can't you just black out the confidential stuff on a photocopy, photocopy that and send it to them?

I wouldnt be comfortable around such in-laws either. Too pushy, to nosy, too entitled, not showing enough respect and not leaving you enough breathig space.

In this instance you could give them the report with anything else then your sons therapy details erased /using software like windows snip&sketch or windows paint. But it still doesnt feel right. They arent in position to push you for that. Perhaps they could read the reports when it casually comes up in conversation while they are visiting.

I would want to pay them back for what they paid for the session and leave them out of it if I could. Show that you do have boundaries and arent their puppets.

And did the therapist send it? Because if so,, she shouldn't have.

Are you using the report to provide evidence for an EHCP? If you can get the therapy written into an EHCP, there shouldn't be an issue around your in-laws paying for it.

I was delighted to share excellent school reports with my children's grandparents & watch their delight in being part of it. I would also therefore be happy to include them in a report such as the OP described while omiting my medical history. I was fortunate in that I had no reason for such a report but sharing the results would be as natural to me as sharing the excellent school report. It was wrong of the OPs in-laws to contact the specialist. This could definitely have been avoided if they had been made to feel more welcome regarding the outcome.8

Not remotely appropriate for them to expect to be allowed the read the entire report - that should be crystal clear from the therapist’s refusal to share it with them. They have no legitimate need to anything other than the treatment advice. Say the tables were ever turned and you one day paid for medical treatment for your mil, do you think she would be happy if you insisted on seeing all her medical histories and notes relating to her treatment?

This definitely. They absolutely don’t have a right to information about you or your son and I would say in this case they haven’t paid to be kind but they have paid to be involved and get more information (gossip?) than they need.

Good luck to you @ladyrushford because this is a big issue and will go on and on. They are controlling and your DH is stuck in a child like unhealthy dynamic which is not good for your marriage.

I'm divorced. Ex mil is controlling. Exh was and is controlling and ended up abusing me, in fact. Ex mil STILL emails me to ask about things that aren't her business. I was fuming when she went to my son's school for a meeting with ex DH without my knowledge.

To this day, I only know because school accidentally told me!

Really weird. I'd say no and say you'll repay them and figure out how to pay it yourselves.

There often is. It’s often relevant to early development. Lots of assessment reports start with X was born at 38 weeks gestation via C section… or the like.

I can't believe there are such a variety of answers here! It's very simple - no, they do not have the right to access this report. They do not have parent responsibility for your child and the report contains confidential medical information for both you and your child. It is beyond outrageous that they contacted the therapist directly - and her reaction should tell you that. Don't be embarrassed by it...I would imagine she feels bad for you that you have to manage this. Under GDPR laws, the therapist would be breaking the law if she supplied this information to a third party.

Is your DH always so unsupportive? You need to stand up to him and if he still doesn't understand then just stop explaining. Do not send them report and tell them why. Stand firm and be confident in your response. Them paying gives them no right to anything. Ridiculous.

I can understand why they are interested, but equally they dont have a right to the report. They are likely to be interested in the ‘what are the issues’ and ‘what’s the plan’ part rather than the in depth Background etc. print a copy of the ‘summary’ pages and give them a hard copy? Tell them that’s the only bit that’s relevant to them (or anyone who isn’t the therapist or parent) and you hope that it’s useful in supporting your child’s speech development.

There’s a bigger issue with your husband begging for money and then feeling indebted. I think you can address this as a general issue.

It could have been avoided if they knew how to behave appropriately! Give in to people or they behave badly and it's then OUR own fault? I don't think so.

It isn't natural or otherwise to share these reports. It is highly sensitive and detailed information in my experience and addressed to parents.

If grandparents are not pushy and behave appropriately then you won't see the harm in sharing it. Controlling people are a different ball game.

I'd be furious - at my DH. He needs to stop going behind your back and creating these situations.
Your MIL sounds extremely nosey and I wouldn't let her read the report. But people like this get away with it because people like your DH let them. He needs to get his priorities straight.

The therapist has already told them no, they can’t have it but my husband insists they have a right as they’ve ‘paid’ for it and it’s ’the only way for ds to get the therapy’

But you said you originally expected to pay for this yourselves, so it's not the only way your DS will get the therapy is it? And as "a gossip" your MIL's now likely to share your private medical information with all and sundry

Clearly you already know you have a DH problem, so I'd say a frank conversation's needed once you've decided what you want to do about this

This is all unacceptable: the ILs' overbearing and inappropriate behaviour, and your husband unilaterally making financial/health decisions for your son.
Of course a therapist isn't going to happily send over a confidential report to a stranger. Your MIL is very very entitled. Or thick. Or both.
In the short term, I'd send them the money back and tell them thank you for the offer, but you are paying for it yourselves and so they've no need to keep asking about it.
Your husband: I don't know. If you've had the same conversation many times and nothing has changed, you either need to have the conversation differently, or you need to change something. For me it would be an ultimatum scenario: 'We will make decisions for our family in terms of finance/health together and privately, or I will look into separation/divorce.'