AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

[ladyrushford]

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

Give them the money back. Tell them you didn't know they were paying, your husband arranged it without consulting you. It might cause a fuss and be difficult when they react, but your husband isn't learning so clearly a fuss is required.

How long does he intend to keep living like this? Your children won't thank him when they are old enough to understand and you don't like it now, it's causing problems in your marriage. It feels sneaky and underhand because it is! He's priorising them and allowing control and ownership behaviour, it's making you unhappy and he needs to stop.

Then there is your answer OP. Your in laws are not the problem here, your DH is. His parents are entitled and controlling and he’s enabling it, and by association is controlling you to ensure your compliance with what they want.

You sound quite passive - you mention being fed up with this type of behaviour, but you are the only one who can put a stop to. It. Time for the riot act to be read to all concerned or nothing will change and you’ll spend your life quietly seething.

OP, are you able to talk to therapist and ask them for report that can be shared??
that only includes the therapy itself?? the support bit
the exercises, how people can help etc

What a cheek they contacted the therapist for the report!!

Great s/he was able to withstand the pressure and say no. Not a comfortable position to be in. Some would possibly panic and give it to them eventhough thats absolutely not allowed.

You have a husband problem and I know it very diffucult to stand up to it as you have been living like this with him a long time.
Can you get some counselling for yourself, to feel more confident and see more clearly whats going on?

I agree with this regarding not being pushy. My children's grandparents on both sides were respectful & far from pushy. They shared in the care therefore sharing progress reports or medical reports was natural to enable them to help where appropriate.If they hadn't been supportive in raising my children it would have been a different story. I find it sad that so many posters interpret love,care & support for granchildren & their parents as being a form of control. It certainly wasn't the case in my children's upbringing & I'll be forever grateful to them.

Not the point. This is confidential information pertaining to the OP and she should have control over where it goes.

Whatever their reasons for wanting to see the report (proof it's happening, proof they think it's money well spent, just nosey gits), if it comes with strings attached, you (and DH) need to cut those strings. And yes, DH is enabling this.

My daughter in law is very proud of how well my grandson’s progress has been with his speech and language. She hands me the reports to read, to see for myself how well he is doing.
I see no problem at all for a concerned grandparent to see and hear of a child’s progress

Child health worker here - It’s CONFIDENTIAL information about you and your eldest son. It should be shared on a ‘need to know’ basis. Do they NEED to know it? NO. They don’t. So the question for me is WHY? Why are they pushing? It’s intrusive, nosey, controlling and disrespectful. They will get a version of the report that isn’t so personal that will guide them in terms of how to support. For a caring and respectful GP that should be enough.

Do not share the report. Explain that it contains confidential information about you and your oldest and that you wish to keep that confidential and you are sure they will understand. Let them know that they will get an appropriate report that will provide the information that they need as grandparents.

Your DH is an arse. Sorry. (Personal opinion not professional 😁)

Don't give them the confidential report, even if redacted. Say they can have a copy of the "public" report when it is ready i.e. the one that will be given to school/anyone caring for your son.

Confirm with the therapist that the confidential report should remain confidential- paying for your son's treatment doesn't give them rights to his or your data.

May be your DIL feels respected by you. May be she trusts you not to gossip. May be she doesn’t have family history she’d rather keep confidential. It should be the OPs choice and she certainly shouldn’t be coerced into sharing information she isn’t comfortable sharing.

This will come back to bite you so you best be ready. Whatever goes on with the therapist is between your son and him, you are only privy as his guardian in reality. This shouldn’t have gone further and when he is older and it’s brought up that they knew, and she has shared it to other family members he will be upset, and rightly so.
them paying does not give them the right to personal information, I’d have told them straight no, it has our history in and it’s personal.

No, YANBU and no, I wouldn't share it. Your son's medical information is his (and his guardian's) alone. Just because his parents paid for access to care - without your knowledge or permission - doesn't mean they then get to have anything to do with it. They've freely given the money. If there were strings attached, they should have made that clear to both you and your husband and you both should have agreed or disagreed. I would be blunt, as your husband clearly has no intention of stopping his part in this type of behaviour. Email advising that you will not be sending them any of your son's private medical information, including this report, as they have no right to it, and you will not be entering into any further communication regarding the matter. Ask for the bank details they would like the money returned to. Send the therapist a separate email requesting that medical information is not given to anyone except you or your husband (of course, you can't prevent your husband from sharing it, which will be the next problem).

I am also in the UK and my youngest had SALT and a neurological condition under investigation. At initial appointments for both we were asked for a full medical history for both sides of the family. Same for my oldest son who has a gastro issue that can absolutely in no way be genetic.

This information is then in the follow up letters to the initial appointments and like you OP, it isn’t content I would want shared around the wider family on both sides.

Why is mumsnet such a strange place. OP, of course it isn't okay that the inlaws did this and no they don't have any right to see the report. Share if you want to, otherwise say no its not appropriate. Cut out the BS and I wouldn't be letting them pay for anything again.

I think I'd put my foot down on this and tell DH that the report contains very personal medical information of my own and if he allows his parents to read it, he better be prepared to lose his marriage over it.

I'd not want my in laws knowing my history either, especially if they will gossip about it.

I was never asked any of that for my son’s speech therapy. Anyway, I went with him, observed the method used to correct one sound, and did the rest myself at home…but nevertheless, there was no questionnaire.
No written report to me, either, come to that

Calling grandparents 'nosey gits' when the children concerned are simply an extension of their own children is absolutely abhorrent.

Can I just say thank you for all the replies? I really do let a lot of shit go with my in laws and my DH - I tell myself, not my circus not my monkeys and try not to overly involve myself with them. I’m not here to claim that my parents are a walk in the park - they are their own unique toxic nightmare 😆😆

I shouldn’t have shared the report. I did it because my DH insists his parents are the epitome of generosity and kindness when actually, he’s completed blinded by their coercive natures. They always use money to control - it’s on me for not accepting that. It was lazy of me to not challenge my husband when he suddenly announced his parents were paying for SLT. I should have known better. Everyone is quite right - I’ve had this issue with my DH going to his parents for years. I hate it because they pull shit like this.

I can’t put the cat in the bag but I can damage control. I’m going to email the therapist and say I will pay for the therapy sessions, do not send them the invoices anymore. And I’m going to message my mil and say that I shared that report as a goodwill gesture but she is not to message the therapist anymore as the sessions are confidential but I will share any recommendations she might find interesting. They don’t see their grandchildren a lot anyway so this is absolutely ‘well I paid for it’ mentality. I don’t really think they’re doing it out of the goodness of their hearts. My DH will never change his opinion of his parents though. I live with it, roll my eyes a lot, but I am reaching a point of no return.

Thank you everyone. I’m not going to get into it, but I’m approaching my limit of how much bullshit I can take off my in laws. This is the stuff that kills marriages, isn’t it?

Short answer @ladyrushford ...YES.

You're sounding strong. Good on you.

Some would possibly panic and give it to them eventhough thats absolutely not allowed. I really can't imagine any therapist doing this.

All the very best op.

A school report doesn't contain medical information. My DD's medical information aren't mine to share unless she gives consent. In my opinion even a diagnosis isn't to be shared.

It can be helpful to share a diagnosis or small additional information to make family aware of symptoms and - in our case - to understand behaviour. But that can be done without a full report.

Saying that, I also never shared a school report, again, not my information so I don't feel I can share. A general "she is doing well" is perfectly enough. DD shared her grades when she did her GCSEs and A-levels but that was her decision.

I don't share my own medical information, noone knows or need to know about my mental health issues I had. I shared some physical health information as it affected a visit.

I think it all comes down to your personal view about these information. Mine is that they are private and outside DH and DD noone has any rights. And that includes also my parent, so it's not a PIL thing.

Your DIL has made her choice. It works for her and for you and that's great. But other people might make different choices. Can you understand that?
Also, the bottom line is it's confidential information.