AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

[ladyrushford]

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

then deal with your husband's behaviour.

I'd dig my heels in if I were you. Their offer of help shouldn't come with conditions. Call the therapist immediately and remove your in-laws as the payment method. Make it clear to her that she is not to share any details with them. Call your in-laws and tell them you no longer require their financial assistance. Your child is entitled to medical privacy just like anyone else. Make it clear that any information received from the therapist is for you and your husband and you will not be sharing your child's private medical information or providing your own family medical background. They can get fucked with their demands. You can do it. Stand firm.

‘My husband insists I must share it’

Theres the problem. And without wanting to sound like an MN lifer who’s been on here 22 years, ‘no’ is a complete sentence.

You're the second person who has said this and so I keep going back to the OP to read it again, where does she say she has shared it already, I cant see it?

" not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. "

Well what is done is done and it’s shared now but please learn from this to step up your boundaries with them for the future.
For a similar situation in the future: Refuse. ‘The report contains private medical information so cannot be shared’. If husband insists because they paid for it: ‘Firstly I had no input into that decision because you did not ask me so I don’t feel bound by it. Secondly you are at fault for making an agreement with a condition that someone gets access to my private medical information, you had no right to consent to that on my behalf.’ If he says it is the only way you can get the help call his bluff. Suggest you go through finances that weekend to see where you can cut back to be able to finance this priority yourselves and make sure to mention all his favourite hobby spends as areas possibly for the chop.

Thanks, couldnt see it at all

Well the horse has bolted then.

I wouldnt have shared it.

Bank transfer them the money back to them. Speak to your husband and confirm that you will not be held to ransom over your child’s medical records. It will likely cause a rift but he’s 4 years old it’s not information to be shared if you are not comfortable with it.

You could have contacted them and said you will give them a summary instead as it also has medical details about you that you'd prefer to keep private. However this would likely result in them thinking you're trying to hide something so I'd probably think the least drama was on this occasion just to show them.
And of course, learn the important lesson that those who pay the piper unsurprisingly expect to call the tune, and be more assertive with your H if you don't want them involved in things.

It would be a flat no from me and I'd repay the money they gave you. A gift with reservations is not a gift.

I’d share a few key paras on what’s app but not the full doc redacted, you can give less that way. But I’d have no problem letting grand parents see.

And as you have already shared I would tell DH in no uncertain terms that if this ever happens again then to consider the marriage over.
He has coerced you into doing this. Coercion is a form of domestic abuse.

You said you were going to book this therapy even before they agreed to pay. Does that mean you can afford to pay yourself? If so, I would offer to pay the in laws back. Explain you aren't comfortable sharing medical information so widely. You understand that may seem unfair as they are paying, so here is the money back.

Sorry, only just seen you have already shared. In that case perhaps a conversation about the info bring confidential is needed. And a very stern conversation with you husband about clearer boundaries in future, with you getting a say over what they pay for.

Absolutely not and I would immediately pay them back. These are your son's medical records, they don't have any right.

After that - sort out your DH and ensure he understands that this is not something he can do again.

We shared DD's ASD diagnosis - never the report - with her grandparents to make them understand why she was behaving like she did but only with DD's consent (she is a teen, so slightly different). They offered to pay for therapy (nice but luckily not necessary for us) but wouldn't dream of saying they have a right to see any documentation or speak to the therapist.

As it’s already been shared, according to OP, telling her. how not to share it is a bit of a waste of time. 🤷‍♀️

Absolutely agree with this!

You have a DH problem that needs urgent addressing op. I’d be absolutely livid if he was going behind my back for things like this - no way is that acceptable. Edit - re this particular issue, I see now you’ve already shared it, so I have deleted my lengthy post about not doing so. Not a cat in hells chance I would have shared it, but horse has bolted now.

This in spades. I am very open about myself but this is a huge breach of your son’s rights. Do not do this.

If my DP or PiL knew one of our children were having a therapy , of any sort, I think they would ask how its going, had they found anything useful etc but anything beyond that is just weird! WHY would they need to read the report.
I agree with pp you definitely have a DH problem. Im nit saying his parents cant help out but a line needs to be drawn as to what that support gives them. It does not give them the right to personal info and I would insist that's how it goes moving forward IF DH continues to rely on them financially.
As a kid I can remember my DF being off work with an injured knee. We couldn't afford for him to be off, NHS waiting was several weeks so my DGM paid for him to see a private consultant quicker, treatment was started within days but I know she would not have asked ro see reports , I think that is beyond weird!

Sorry I voted yabu by accident!

They are being weird and invasive about this. Undermining you massively.

If you shared it now not much you can do but be ready for the next time something likethis comes up. How? Hold your boundary, get moral support here or from a friend if need be. Really unpleasant behaviour from them.

you screen shot it, redact the screen shot and send them that if neccessary.

Better than that, pay for it yourself and keep your son's medical information private.

Sounds like you are going to also have to hide the report from your husband, because he will go behind your back and share anyway- what kind of marriage and parenting is that?

I would be revoking in-laws payment and paying for it myself.

Of course they should not be privy to your and your family’s medical history.

Grandparents in many cases are expected to be there at the drop of a hat. They're expected to care for their grandchildren to allow parents to work. Take care of them when sick. Feed them, take them to the park, support the family through thick & thin & in OPs privileged position,pay for special therapy. All this & suddenly they have no business in seeing a report which would enable them to offer more insightful support & not second guess what they should do to help. It goes without saying it was wrong of OPs inlaws to contact the specialist. This could all have been avoided if OP had said I really appreciate your financial help. I will share the report to let you see the outcome but I will omit my medical history which I prefer to remain private. There are grandparents on both sides who have very little to do with their grandchildren. There are others on both sides who are a major part of a child's upbringing. This fact should be respected far more than is implied in this thread. I would have no hesitation in sharing the report with both sets of grandparents while omiting my personal history. There again they were all a very important part of my children's upbringing & did all they could to help.

I'm not sure what your role is that you get to read the reports, and yet have apparently no understanding about why loving grandparents might want to read the report? I think that you might like to re-think your username? I am a reasonably educated person, and in your situation, the thought of a grandparent wanting to exert control over their loved ones, would have been one of my later considerations, rather than my one and only, jumped to decision. I also don't think that the OP's thread should have led a profesional, such as you claim to be, to such a conclusion, quite so quickly.

As a very loving mum and grandmother, I have never wanted to 'exert' control over any of my offspring, or theirs. But one of my Grandchildren has a serious condition that I do obviously ask about when I contact them. I am only asking out of love and concern for both my DGC, and their parents. I do not delve any deeper than that, and I just accept whatever other information they feel like giving me. Luckily, they keep me well informed, and although I live quite a long way away, I still feel as if I am a loved member of their family unit, in fact I feel very blessed!

It is not in my nature to ask for anything back when I spend time and energy on my family, in fact it wouldn't even cross my mind to do so. So, if the OP's MiL does expect repayment in some form or other, then I do think that that is awful behaviour. Unfortunately, so far, the OP hasn't said anything that makes me feel that she - the OP - is telling us the strictly honest truth, and with no exaggeration.

As, your reply @Savvysix1984 to the OP, was Imo just saying exactly what she wanted you to say, and that you included that nasty bite about her MiL to try to - and probably succeeded to - make sure that the OP felt warmer towards you and even more animosity towards her MiL, you are just not coming across to me as a profesional assessor, or counsellor, or therapist of any kind. So, I just hope that the OP can ignore your short, but mighty, words, and not let them influence her.

Neither you. nor I, @Savvysix1984
know how bad the MiL, or the OP really are, in my guts I feel as if the OP has exaggerated quite a lot of the MiL's traits, including that the MiL would gossip about her own blood family. I think the fact that her DH's family seems to be reasonably well off, is actually a slightly raw wound to the OP.

Of course @ladyrushford shouldn't share their DC's report if both she and her DH agree on that, but I don't think that in normal circumstances, it should be a definite no, from either parent, as they should discuss it just between the two of them, until hopefully they can reach a joint decision. Unfortunately, being human, means that if I was the DiL, or even the son, in this equation, if it truly did come as a demand to see the report, and with a threat on top of that, my answer would be a downright no, as well!