AIBU to object to my in-laws reading my son's therapy report?

[ladyrushford]

My youngest son (4) requires speech and language therapy. I found a great therapist who had space and availability and booked her. My husband was pleased too, as it’s something we’ve been concerned about for a while - but then he tells me his parents are paying for the assessment and the subsequent sessions. This irritated me as he does this a lot, going to his (wealthy) parents and then they ‘offer’ to pay. I am never privy to these conversations. Now don’t get me wrong - I get on fine with my in laws and generally they are quite well meaning and can be generous too, in their way. They are also pretty well off too so a few hundred quid, in their words, doesn’t trouble them. BUT when they do pay for something they see it as theirs. Now they want the therapist’s assessment report. It was sent to me last week and I’ve read it. It isn’t a long report. When I secured this therapist I didn’t think anyone else other than us would be paying for this and there’s things on this report about my own family and medical history - all very standard - that really isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. Now they are insisting on reading the report and have sent several text messages to me and emails to the therapist to get the report.

My husband insists I must share it. His mother is a notorious gossip in the family and she will share everything in this report. I am resentful because my husband tricked me into thinking we were doing this ourselves and then we’re not, not to mention that I’ve shared it to keep the peace but feel quite sick at the idea she’s reading about my own private medical history. I appreciate their generosity in paying for the speech and language therapist but I’m dreading knowing my mother in law has this report. AIBU?

'abhorrent', get a grip They ARE being nosy gits.

I would have thought given you have a family history of this nature you would relish all the support you could get including financially. Your DH may wish to include his parents if only for emotional support again due to circumstances. It all sounds so very sad when with better communication etc everyone could be working together to support those with special needs. Instead it appears everyone is working against each other.

No, the DH is working against the OP by asking for and receiving money for issues to do with their shared child without her knowledge or permission. The GPs are working against the OP by contacting the therapist to ask for something that it would be illegal for her to share with them, and by pressuring her to share the info.
The OP has tried many times to communicate with her DH why this behaviour makes her unhappy but he will not discuss it or try to change.
She is not in the wrong here.
Also, who on earth are you to try to tell her how she should feel about this issue/what she should 'relish' about it? She's made her position clear.

Not 'precious or spoiled or sensitive'. As adults, when we accept financial help from someone else, we always weigh up the costs and benefits then make a choice whether to accept. Your DH is taking this choice away from you.

Don't get bogged down in discussing with DH his parents' motivations or his own. I'd focus only on the underlying issue - neither of you EVER accepts financial help for the family without discussing and agreeing this together. That's what a partnership looks like.

OK, I'll rephrase it: "... if they're just being nosey..."
Better?

Good luck OP. I commend you for standing up to your husband and his parents, stay strong and resolved and focused on your sons treatment.

Also think you need to add - as a specific request - that she doesn't discuss your medical background with anyone. This can be a polite, emotion-free but clearly-phrased request, with no need for qualifiers. Just "Please do not."

I think you were very foolish to give them the report containing confidential information about your own medical history and that of your other children. But it was abhorrent of your husband to bully you into this.

You should probably prepare yourself for the information to be misused by your in-laws and weaponised against you. Your husband was enormously at fault here.

Having a family history of children with SEN including severe issues must be extremely stressful. It can also pull families apart with divorce which is hardly going to help the OP. It's far better to communicate honestly & try to find a way where all those who provide help are accepted whether thats physically,emotionally or indeed financially. If boundaries are crossed then it can be resolved without fighting that is if all those concerned have the intelligence & consideration required in those types of special circumstances.

I would get your husband to verbally tell them What they need ti know in a few lines

ie he need to play x game to improve his received language and he needs to be encouraged to put his tongue in the correct position blah blah - thats all

thats all - its really weird that they have asked for the report

don't get into this situation again and tell your DH he is a bit of a spineless knob

How intrusive and rude of them and how unspeakable of your husband to support their nonsense. Your upset is because you see it for what it is.

We had a senco contact our consultant to try and squeeze my son’s dx out of him. He was fairly cross at being approached and refused to talk to her. At the time ds didn’t have a dx (as we’d explained multiple times) not because he wasn’t disabled but because they didn’t know yet. She was convinced we were trying to hide something (though to this day I don’t really understand how that would have helped him or why I would have done that). Lean into your therapists support of protecting ds’s privacy. Ask dh if it was such a normal non event WHY the therapist was so clearly unwilling to share the report. He needs to rethink and do what’s best for his son. For complete clarity, blabbing ds’s and your medical history and upsetting his wife ISN’T.

Send a version with anything pertinent to you and your family redacted. If they ask why then tell them they need, or have a right to know any of that.

I would not be happy with this at all and would be having strong words with my DH about this as HE is totally out of order.
I might be wrong but just wondering if you are Asian as I have several friends who are who have very similar problems to this and seem to have a totally different family dynamics.

This 100%. Your son's medical history is none of their business and if their financial assistance comes with strings then cut the strings.

OMG, talk about hyperbole! OP has said:

'They don’t see their grandchildren a lot anyway so this is absolutely ‘well I paid for it’ mentality. I don’t really think they’re doing it out of the goodness of their hearts.'

They aren't particularly helpful grandparents doing this out of the kindness of their hearts but they want to be involved and pulling the strings, using their wealth and OP's spineless DH to do this. MIL also loves gossip and will pass on confidential information to other members of the family. OP is absolutely right to be very wary about their motives.

Because they ask about each parent’s early development too.

I’d decline to share it and repay them the money. I’d also make sure your DH knows that he is not to discuss matters relating to your children with his parents, or accept money, without discussing it with you first. You are the second parent, not them. Your child has a right to confidentiality - should you chose to share the contents of the report with anyone, directly or in summary, it is should be a joint parental decision.

And also her son's medical background. He is only little so his privacy may not register as that important, but one day he will be grown up. There are all sorts of things that don't feel that embarrassing to a 4 year old, so it doesn't feel like a big deal to share them, but his 28 year old self might have preferred them to be kept private. Even if his medical history is not full of chronic constipation or tight foreskins, there is no "need to know" on this stuff.

This I'm afraid. I think it will be used against you "OP had a difficult labour, that could be the reason"; there's a medical history of this in OP's family" etc etc.

GP's in my experience want to take family credit for the good stuff, the talent and the beautiful GC's but are quick to point blame for any failings at the in-laws.

I would spell this out to your husband that this is what he has facilitated.
I would spell it out to your InLaws that the report is extremely medically confidential and it's contents are not to be discussed with your husbands siblings, their relatives and friends.
You will share any recommendations going forward where relevant to them.

And I'd tell my husband that if he ever did this again without my consent he will be looking at a split.

Hi OP,

im a Psychologist and have previously found myself in this situation in work- family members feeling entitled to private medical information. As your SLT has done, I refuse any access.

Im not sure why others have said they see no parental information in their child’s report. It’s standard practice to take a developmental history for diagnostic assessments, including parental health needs as this can greatly impact upon development.

in your position I would just say to your family what you’ve said here- there is private medical information in the body of the report that you don’t feel comfortable sharing. But maybe (if you do want to do this) that you could share with them the summary and recs at the end. Alternatively, you could also ask the therapist to write a summary letter for them, although you’ll need to pay for this and it would be reinforcing to them that they are entitled to some ‘ownership’ of the information. Another option would be to have a curious but direct conversation with them about what it is they need to see from the report- do they want proof it’s happened, are they just interested in what it says- try to understand what the reasoning is for why they are pushing so hard. Ideally you’d have a conversation with your husband about boundaries and maybe have something more set for future conversations. They are not entitled to ask for this information.

I didn't share the full report with my parents or in laws but I wouldn't mind doing it - it's very helpful for anybody that speaks to my daughter. Increasingly I find myself getting frustrated when strangers ask my daughter questions she cannot access and I think the report helps people to interact and bond with her. She has such a resting bitch face and people literally are desperate for her approval - but they can't get it until she understands their questions - so having the report is positive...

Also I would love for someone else to pay for the speech and language - it's so expensive but also so worthwhile. The most beneficial thing is that I now know how to talk to my daughter properly - I know that sounds silly but I didnt understand what she didn't understand - but now I feel I get it so much more....

@ladyrushford "My DH will never change his opinion of his parents though. I live with it, roll my eyes a lot, but I am reaching a point of no return.
Thank you everyone. I’m not going to get into it, but I’m approaching my limit of how much bullshit I can take off my in laws. This is the stuff that kills marriages, isn’t it?"

It's difficult but I do think marriage counselling could help with this kind of thing, if you could get him there. You might be able to redraw some ground rules. It's not just about what people think but what they do. He can continue to consider his parents wonderful while also agreeing a ground rule that both of you need to consent to something in order for it to happen round DCs. We tend to default to the more conservative opinion. If one of us thinks it's safe to do X and the other does not, it doesn't happen. You can disagree about his parents' intentions and still find a way to work together - but only if he truly treats you as his equal and stops riding roughshod over your views.

@Smeegall that doesn't sound silly at all., that sounds wonderful.

But I think you can explain to others how to talk to your daughter without sharing either her or your detailed medical history with them.

DS has a communication profile which is literally how he wants to be communicated with, and why. It's great. It contains a few anecdotes as examples of what works & what doesn't but no personal stuff.

I know exactly what you mean but no, we are just white British. I can’t excuse the behaviour on anything other than them being pains in the arse!!

OP, your instincts and understanding of the dynamics at play here are very sound. Conspicuously demonstrated by the grandparents’ demand to the therapist for the report. It is also unfortunately understandable, that your DH cannot yet see it. Even so, he should respect that he is actually only parenting with you and not with his parents. Your own and your child’s medical information are not fodder for the family gossip round. There is zero entitlement for them to see the report, no matter who is paying. Outrageous behaviour on their part and that of your DH.

As mentioned by others, you could agree with a therapist, or doctor, on a separate brief report that you may share if you choose to. Not that I would agree that you are obligated in any way to do so. I have done this for patients in the past, although I have been retired for some time now.

Tantrums from people/organisations, who are annoyed that they aren’t being given every bit of information, are best ignored. It only demonstrates their own poor judgment and boundaries, along with an essential ignorance regarding the privacy and confidentiality of the individual. Good luck with everything.