AIBU to stop taking my children to in-laws after they almost got daughter run over?

[If123]

My in-laws left their gate open and almost got my 2year old run over.
we don’t have a garden so regularly take our dd to my in laws to let her play. Because it was Easter my mil was doing lunch so hubbys gran and bother with his partner are also there. We’ve had a nice day dd has done an Easter egg hunt. It gets to the time to leave and unknown to me fil has opened the gates on to the main A road but hasn’t actually told anyone. Dd is running round with dolly pram in the house and hubby has gone to find changing mat. I am holding our new baby- I’ve had an emergency C-section 6 weeks ago and had a rough recovery so I’m not going anywhere fast.

At this point dd bolts out the door and through gate with dolly pram and into 50mph traffic. Sil runs after to stop the traffic so she doesn’t get hit. By some miracle the cars stop in time and she’s okay thanks to sil. I’m now across the road with sil dd and still holding newborn. In laws do nothing to help- perhaps also in shock. We manage to come back across the road and I’m shouting demanding to know who opened the gates. Fil lies to my face in a childlike wasn’t me and tells me to calm down. In response I have said don’t tell me to calm down my child could have been killed. Hubby stands there and says nothing. I say right we are going and go inside to put baby in car seat. Mil then follows me in and says to me ‘thing is everyone else has been watching your child this afternoon and you haven’t and thats why this has happened’. I wait for hubby to stand up for me or say anything and nothing. I thought maybe he might say that i had been feeding the baby or mention the double standard that his mum had given him now trouble for not watching dd but no. Tell mil she’s being spiteful and we leave.

I am extremely upset about the whole situation. Mil has text me the day after saying she feels bad and they will be more careful with the gate in future. She also says that it’s sil fault that door was open and dd could get out of the house- this is nonsense as the door was being opened and closed to pack things. She says fil had a turn earlier in the day and was being forgetful and didn’t remember at the time if he had opened the gate. I can’t bring myself to respond to mil text she has also tried calling which I have ignored.

AIBU to want to cut contact and make no effort with in laws. I don’t want dd going there until she is old enough to understand road safety more. I suggested to hubby he could meet up with them somewhere else or they come to our house. Im not sure if the relationship is reparable for me since I’m already feeling not my best after C-section recovery and feel like she’s kicked me while I’m down. Hubby says he will still take kids there without me if I’ve got a problem with it. I don’t really know how to move forward.

DH and I had an agreement that one or other of us was always on toddler watch at all times. We could tag each other in and out of duty but would not rely on grandparents who were not really tuned in to toddler safety, especially where there was an extra safety risk.

I appreciate that you are postpartum so it should have been your DH watching. You cannot both relax and assume other people will keep her safe.

A very gentle YABU. You have had a really nasty shock, and other people's carelessness certainly contributed. Ultimately, it is your and your DH's responsibility though.

Take a breath, take some time to calm down, apologise to your ILs. Don't stop seeing them but do stop relying on them.

She is six weeks post c - section and caring for an infant.

The default on a visit is that others step up.

She does not owe an apology.

OP - I think it is not alright for mil to present this as your fault. Truly.

However - I am sure everyone is in shock as the "what if..." so try to be the bigger person.

Having said that, I would be very reluctant to go again or let my dd go unsupervised.

People say lots of things they don’t mean in situations that are highly stressful. It was a fucking scary moment for everyone involved. OP screamed at everyone, MIL snapped back at her in response. It’s not a place to judge her on gender based responsibilities, it was a shitty thing to say in a highly shitty situation.

I agree with the poster that said it’s nobody’s fault really, it was one of those freak moments that should not have happened but also nobody could have predicted.

Child should not have been running out the door, gate open or closed. It’s awful and must’ve been a huge shock but I wouldn’t be blaming anyone in particular here, probably myself. Let the dust settle, everyone should be making apologies to each other here.

As always it’s a DH issue. He should have taken responsibility. He should have defended you and he should respect your feelings. Too scared to stand up to Mummy and Daddy.

I found out the golden rule of motherhood is never to rely on anyone else but yourself to safeguard your DCs.

You and your husband should be looking after your children so this is on the two of you and no one else. It’s nothing to do with child care as you were both there at the time and therefore responsible for your children. I understand mistakes happen and don’t mean to sound cruel but the only people in this situation whose actions should be questioned are yours and your husbands, having a newborn is no excuse to not be on top of your 2 year old and their safety.

After your update. I would say don't blame them as you were all there but also don't leave your children there without you as they are obviously too elderly or infirm to keep a safe eye now Inc MIL who is essentially caring for FIL.

I’m good to form my own opinion regardless of what most posters think ✌️. If I were op I would arrange a meet up elsewhere, see them for a couple of hours, tick the box and go home to their hopefully child proof house. I wouldn’t trust the in laws to look after a wheelbarrow, I think their prospects of babysitting in the future may be zero, wouldn’t even leave my dog with people this careless. If it’s completely hardline only the parents can watch the child then don’t go, meet somewhere safe and save the stress

Completely fair enough to doubt/question their ability/capacity to watch DD on their own.

Going no contact with them over this would’ve been extremely unreasonable though. Glad to see you are settling down a bit. It must’ve been absolutely terrifying and you’ll be reeling for a while.

Sorry OP, this sounds terrifying.
But I’m afraid I agree with most PPs.
it’s for you and your DH to mind your two year old - she is no one else’s responsibility.

This sounds awful. You’ve had a shock and I understand why you’re angry. But maybe it’s a lesson to learn – that you and your DH need to watch your child more carefully. I definitely wouldn’t leave your daughter there without you being there. I feel similarly about my parents – they’re quite careless – and that’s why I didn’t let them watch my kids until they were a bit older.

NO.
The default is NEVER that others step up to parent your children on a visit when you, the parents, are present. This sort of thinking is why tragedies happen.

Sorry but you can't just assume because lots of other people are around and you are post surgery that other people are watching your child. You need to be crystal clear about who is looking after each child. Sounds like your anger should be directed towards your husband if he knew you were stuck feeding a baby.

Gate or no gate your daughter should not have been left unsupervised and that is yours and your husband's responsible. You sound like you were rude to you ils. I appreciate you were in shock.

I understand your reaction but the issue is your DH - you can’t base your child’s safety on the reliability of a man who has funny turns/memory issues etc. You were dealing with newborn so he should have been watching toddler.

Your MIL is out of order for suggesting you should have been watching DD but she’s not wrong that someone should have been.

I’d agree that it’s not safe for your DD to play in the garden when you or your DH isn’t there though, the in laws don’t seem capable when the risk is so high.

Are you for real? Are you telling me that if you had a two year old child visiting your home and you had a gate that opened up on to an a road you wouldn’t ensure that said gate is locked at all times? Op and her husband were looking after their children it was for a few minutes that husband stepped away. She’s also postpartum with a c section so yes the children present are collectively everyone’s responsibility especially given it’s their house, keep the gate locked.

Mumsnet is a race to the bottom, so may hardened mothers who’ve had rotten rough postpartums with zero help expect everyone else to also suffer. Op you’re unreasonable to cut contact over this but not unreasonable to be mad about them leaving the gate open when there’s a toddler in the house.

Meet somewhere safe where you don’t have to watch your children while they are there with you? Where is this magical stress free place? Or are you like my brother and sister, able to have a live in nanny per child?

Lock the gate. Keep it locked. Not sure why you’re incapable of comprehending basic child safeguarding.

If I had a 2 year old child visiting my home I’d expect the PARENTS to have them under their supervision at all times.

No ifs or buts about it.

Some of us are outraged because we can actually take our kids to in laws and grandparents. We can take a slightly more laid back stance because family do look after them and keep them safe so parents can have a break. So for ops in laws to leave a gate open when toddler is in the garden is massively alarming.

Is there a reason your DH wasn’t taking responsibility for the older child? Presumably you could have asked someone else to get the mat?

I think you are right to be angry. It sounds like you were all in shock and some how blamed each other. Yes dh should have said more but everyone reacts differently. It does sound like fil had a lapse of concentration which older people do. However I would not cut contact for it that will make your life much harder in the long run. For the time being meet elsewhere until there is more security in place perhaps.

So you’d leave a gate open up on to an A road whilst toddler is playing in your garden? You realise you sound like a lunatic?

1. The gate was only recently unlocked because the visit was over and everyone was packing up their cars to leave.
2. You (plural) don’t step away from your toddler at a critical time like this, you must always have situational awareness.
3. You (plural) don’t expect others to step up and watch your children for you unless one of you have explicitly asked them to e.g. ‘SIL could you make sure polly stays inside while I nurse wally/I get the changing pad?’

I am not saying mums must suffer and get no help, I and others are saying you cannot assume that others are supervising your child. That if you need help, ask for it. And never take your eyes off a toddler. This is a very challenging age.

That isn’t how events unfolded.
The toddler was inside the house, front door closed when the gate was opened as people were getting ready to leave. This was presumably because the cars are not flying cars and/or the gate was not automatic so the gate would need to be opened for those ready to leave to drive home.