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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this bad or am I the problem

278 replies

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 00:44

I’d really appreciate some objective advice because I feel upset, confused and am questioning my sanity.

I’ve been working in a senior role at a growing company for several years. I pretty much built the department from scratch and as it was a scaling startup, I’ve worked extremely long hours to get it to where it is.

A few weeks ago, my boss hired in someone new in a parallel role that's equally senior but unrelated to my department. Let's call her Susan. Susan happens to be the bosses closest friend.

Susan immediately swept in and started acting like she ran the place. She was described by colleagues as "intimidating" and "patronising" and upset a couple of other senior staff by overstepping her role.

Then she began involving herself in my area. This started initially by her correcting my work without being asked or invited and where it had nothing to do with her. I set a boundary, politely, and she apologised but then continued to escalate this type of behavior.

Suggesting changes, directing junior members of my team, organising meetings around work I’m responsible for, and generally behaving as though they were the boss of my department rather than me. It was so pronounced that it started to cause disruption and junior staff asked why she was involved.

I raised concerns about this and was told it would be addressed as the boss said he agreed it was not acceptable. He reiterated I was the boss of my department and said he'd ensure I didn't have to work directly with her.

To my shock, shortly after the boss created a "leadership team" which includes Susan in which ONLY my departments work is discussed. As in, they use this group to challenge my work, but not hers or anyone else's.

From there she began challenging everything I do, down to minute execution turning almost every decision into a debate.

For example saying I should do something differently and when I disagreed saying "chatGPT agrees with my view" and the boss did nothing and even actively encouraged her.

So I started getting angry.

I again raised the issue a few days ago but got no reply.

It was clear to me at this point that the boss sees Susan as his best friend and wanted her to have involvement across every department, and that id either have to accept being constantly undermined or leave.

A few days later my junior colleague messaged me to ask me to give him access to some systems for our new team member. I asked "what team member?"

Astoundingly it turned out that Susan and my boss had hired someone for MY team (one of this Susans contacts) without even discussing it with me, and agreed this new hire would take over a very key part of my own role and I only found out because that team member came to me, confused and uncomfortable.

When I challenged it, I was told:
that area wasn’t really my responsibility (it is, and always has been), that nothing had been done in that space (which isn’t accurate), that it was just an “oversight” and a myriad of other excuses.

In the same discussion, my role was minimised in front of others, and it was implied I don’t really run my own function and that me reacting was due to me being "competitive" and "making it about ego".

I remained calm but resigned on the spot, but the conversation was so gaslighty with both of them claiming I had no reason to react and I wanted a sanity check as they made me feel nuts.

Before working in this job for the last few years I worked for myself so I've not got much of a grip on if this is normal work behaviour or not?

For clarity, my department has been the strongest performing in the company, Susan has absolutely no experience and I cannot find a legitimate business reason for any of this.

I'm really devasted to lose the job I love :(

OP posts:
Ionlymakejokestodistractmyself · 09/04/2026 00:53

They sound awful. You'll be well out of there. It was rash to resign on the spot though, are you sure you can get another job?:

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 00:57

Well I hope so. I've got a very good CV and my job is quite a common one but I'm 48 and felt really settled. I loved my colleagues. I'd recruited and trained my team and I was happy. I feel quite stressed about the change. I am entitled to 3 months pay and they also owe me a large sun from a bonus I didn't cash, but it's still all quite scary and the whole thing has really knocked my self-esteem and sanity.

OP posts:
LadyMinerva · 09/04/2026 00:58

You are not the problem at all. Unfortunately this happens a lot. Susan wanted your job. And now she's got it. But she doesn't know how to do it so take comfort in the fact that she is going to balls it up very quickly.

Though I know it's tough since you built it into what it is.

Random321 · 09/04/2026 01:01

Constructive dismissal case?

Gleanzer · 09/04/2026 01:05

Talk to a lawyer. You might have a case for constructive dismissal. Presuming you have evidence for what you're saying it's worth an hour with a solicitor to explore taking it further.

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:05

The crazy thing is I don't think she does want my job. She's one of 5 department heads and has her own department.

I think she's just positioned her as equal to the CEO and while that's fine in and of itself but you really can't work with someone constantly undermining you.

It really was constant. I can't even describe it but it was so completely mad. A typical conversation would be:

Me: Jack can you please replace this image on the website?

Susan interjects: Jack that means you'll need to edit the image. Grace why don't you give Jack dimensions?

He knows they dear, we've been doing this for years.

Or she'd ask for a meeting with my team when i had then working on a tight deadline that she'd dusrupt.

Like inserting herself into every conversation with me and my team like she's trying to manage us. It was taking hours every day just to debate her on things that have nothing whatsoever to do with her.

I definitely couldn't have coped with that!

OP posts:
GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:07

I do have evidence of it all. It was in a group chat. But I don't think I need a lawyer because I'm due 3 months pay + a bonus and i don't think they'll refuse to pay me.

OP posts:
WallaceinAnderland · 09/04/2026 01:13

It sounds tricky but it was your boss's decision and your role really is to go along with what you're asked to do. What others are doing in the company, in your department or in management, isn't really your responsibility. I think having had free rein for so long maybe you thought your views held more sway?

Have you given notice or just quit?

DysmalRadius · 09/04/2026 01:14

I've been shocked in the past at how thoroughly stupid and short-sighted people can be and how completely self-serving their narrative is when it comes to justifying it to themselves, even when they are demonstrably and overtly wrong.

The saving grace is that people like this are often so stupid that you don't even need to give them enough rope to hang themselves - some of them will hop up on the gallows and start stretching out their neck from sheer stupidity.

If you can, get things in writing so that if you need/want evidence for constructive dismissal or similar, you have it. I have had a lot of success with writing an overly formal and detailed version of the events in question and asking if I'm correct in my understanding of their position/the chain of events/whatever bullshit you want to shine a light on.

Either they will agree with you because they don't understand that they're dropping themselves in it, or they will disagree and try to 'justify' themselves and put the stupid stuff in their own words. Either way, it will at least make you feel.better and will hopefully give you what you need to prove how shitty they've been.

I'm sorry you're going through this - feeling disappointed in someone you thought was a decent person is strangely unnerving, but you have right on your side so hopefully you'll get a better job (but stay in touch with colleagues so you can enjoy the chaos your departure will leave).

GlobalTravellerbutespeciallyBognor · 09/04/2026 01:16

See a lawyer asap - constructive dismissal

PowerfulFireHorse · 09/04/2026 01:17

You definitely need to talk to a lawyer. This could amount to constructive dismissal.
Please speak to an employment solicitor before you do anything else.

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:19

DysmalRadius · 09/04/2026 01:14

I've been shocked in the past at how thoroughly stupid and short-sighted people can be and how completely self-serving their narrative is when it comes to justifying it to themselves, even when they are demonstrably and overtly wrong.

The saving grace is that people like this are often so stupid that you don't even need to give them enough rope to hang themselves - some of them will hop up on the gallows and start stretching out their neck from sheer stupidity.

If you can, get things in writing so that if you need/want evidence for constructive dismissal or similar, you have it. I have had a lot of success with writing an overly formal and detailed version of the events in question and asking if I'm correct in my understanding of their position/the chain of events/whatever bullshit you want to shine a light on.

Either they will agree with you because they don't understand that they're dropping themselves in it, or they will disagree and try to 'justify' themselves and put the stupid stuff in their own words. Either way, it will at least make you feel.better and will hopefully give you what you need to prove how shitty they've been.

I'm sorry you're going through this - feeling disappointed in someone you thought was a decent person is strangely unnerving, but you have right on your side so hopefully you'll get a better job (but stay in touch with colleagues so you can enjoy the chaos your departure will leave).

Thank

OP posts:
GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:25

DysmalRadius · 09/04/2026 01:14

I've been shocked in the past at how thoroughly stupid and short-sighted people can be and how completely self-serving their narrative is when it comes to justifying it to themselves, even when they are demonstrably and overtly wrong.

The saving grace is that people like this are often so stupid that you don't even need to give them enough rope to hang themselves - some of them will hop up on the gallows and start stretching out their neck from sheer stupidity.

If you can, get things in writing so that if you need/want evidence for constructive dismissal or similar, you have it. I have had a lot of success with writing an overly formal and detailed version of the events in question and asking if I'm correct in my understanding of their position/the chain of events/whatever bullshit you want to shine a light on.

Either they will agree with you because they don't understand that they're dropping themselves in it, or they will disagree and try to 'justify' themselves and put the stupid stuff in their own words. Either way, it will at least make you feel.better and will hopefully give you what you need to prove how shitty they've been.

I'm sorry you're going through this - feeling disappointed in someone you thought was a decent person is strangely unnerving, but you have right on your side so hopefully you'll get a better job (but stay in touch with colleagues so you can enjoy the chaos your departure will leave).

Thank you. I'd been really patient with it but had decided if it continued I was going so to be honest when this occured I did basically just (calmly but still probably quite boldly!) just ask in the group chat "does anyone care to explain to me why I'm being told by one of my junior team that you've recruited someone into a key role in my function without discussing it with me?"

Susan immediately piped in with oh dear, I thought you knew, I had no idea, it was a genuine oversight blah blah with little love hearts. The boss then chimed in with more excuses, trying to reverse victim / blame, trying to pretend I wasn't the boss of that area (astounding given there's 10 staff here and it's completely clear this area is mine), said he was busy and forgot, then tried to minimise my role.

The words were really quite bad. My husband wanted to drive over there and punch him to be honest.

I don't think anyone could read the conversation and come away thinking anyone in my position could stay.

OP posts:
plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 09/04/2026 01:25

If you can follow it up and make their lives difficult in any way at all, through seeking a settlement for constructive dismissal or otherwise, you should. Neither he nor his girlfriend should be allowed to get away with this sort of behaviour without consequences, the next target may not have your cushion or ability to stand up for themselves.

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:30

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 09/04/2026 01:25

If you can follow it up and make their lives difficult in any way at all, through seeking a settlement for constructive dismissal or otherwise, you should. Neither he nor his girlfriend should be allowed to get away with this sort of behaviour without consequences, the next target may not have your cushion or ability to stand up for themselves.

Edited

This company is a start up. We've got 10 full time staff, 3 of which are junior in my department. Almost all the other team are contractors so there's very limited resources. I look after my own department but also go far, far beyond in taking care of almost everything that needs doing. 3am finishes are not uncommon for me, so finding someone willing to do what I do would be quite hard. I'm not into punishing people, I just don't want to be miserable or angry in my day to day.

OP posts:
plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 09/04/2026 01:32

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:30

This company is a start up. We've got 10 full time staff, 3 of which are junior in my department. Almost all the other team are contractors so there's very limited resources. I look after my own department but also go far, far beyond in taking care of almost everything that needs doing. 3am finishes are not uncommon for me, so finding someone willing to do what I do would be quite hard. I'm not into punishing people, I just don't want to be miserable or angry in my day to day.

That's fair. But I do not think they should get away with this awful behaviour, it's not about punishment but about justice - and a wake up call would do them both good, otherwise they will just keep causing harm to those around them whenever they have some power.

I would pursue it further, if you can.

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:35

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 09/04/2026 01:32

That's fair. But I do not think they should get away with this awful behaviour, it's not about punishment but about justice - and a wake up call would do them both good, otherwise they will just keep causing harm to those around them whenever they have some power.

I would pursue it further, if you can.

Thank you for confirming the behaviour was awful as they honestly acted like it was me being a diva and that made it a million times worse.

OP posts:
RudolphRNR · 09/04/2026 01:38

Echoing others - they are pushing you to leave, this is a clear case of constructive dismissal. Seek advice asap from a union and/or legal professional on how to manage this. To be honest, I would accept you are leaving this job, as Susan clearly isn’t, and it’s never going to return to previous. But you need advice on how to manage your exit and how to protect yourself.

BendicksAddict · 09/04/2026 01:41

It is important that you screenshot or capture that conversation IMMEDIATELY. I doubt you own that group chat, and if you are removed from it, your evidence has gone. Do not delay. Likewise, any emails must be saved as PDFs and picked and sent to yourself. Change all your passwords and spend time getting ready now to leave, as I suspect a sudden departure may be coming.

Dorisbonson · 09/04/2026 01:48

BendicksAddict · 09/04/2026 01:41

It is important that you screenshot or capture that conversation IMMEDIATELY. I doubt you own that group chat, and if you are removed from it, your evidence has gone. Do not delay. Likewise, any emails must be saved as PDFs and picked and sent to yourself. Change all your passwords and spend time getting ready now to leave, as I suspect a sudden departure may be coming.

Agree with this 100%. Talk to a lawyer ASAP, secure relevant evidence.

You need to act in your own interests not those of your former employer.

Italiangreyhound · 09/04/2026 01:48

So sorry, sounds very tough.

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:48

BendicksAddict · 09/04/2026 01:41

It is important that you screenshot or capture that conversation IMMEDIATELY. I doubt you own that group chat, and if you are removed from it, your evidence has gone. Do not delay. Likewise, any emails must be saved as PDFs and picked and sent to yourself. Change all your passwords and spend time getting ready now to leave, as I suspect a sudden departure may be coming.

Thank you. I already did those things.

The boss has a business partner, who doesn't actually work in the company anymore but he did until last year. However he's still an owner and director.

I spoke with him to let him know I'd resigned and he said he'd make sure I got a good exit package. He was shocked and very supportive.

He can't stand Susan as it happens, and thinks the boss is an inept CEO (that's why he left actually) so all this probably is a pattern.

The truth be told though, when you help build a start up and put in late nights and Saturdays and all your passion you commit to it a lot, so I can't say I want things to be bad. I care a lot about colleagues.

I just can't work here with the new structure, even if I wanted to it takes away my ability to do my job free if chaos.

OP posts:
SueblueNZ · 09/04/2026 01:52

I am a long-time union delegate. Here ~ NZ ~ this would be called constructive dismissal.
This is where you felt forced to resign. You have tried to address the issue, however your employer’s conduct (or their condoning another person's conduct) has caused intolerable working conditions or bullying.
Here you could take a employment case against the employer.

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 02:09

It just keeps looping around in my head second guessing myself.

Let's say my job is Creative Director (it's not but let's say it is) and Susans job is director of IT and what they basically did was hire a friend of Susans to manage visual design without even talking to me and then tried to tell me visual design isn't part of Creative (even though theres no possible way anyone can make that argument) and therefore wasn't my remit when it's so obviously nothing to do with IT.

She even went to MY ASSISTANT to get him to give this new hire access to MY SYSTEMS and when I questioned her she said "but it was just more efficient, I didnt even realise you mamaged creative".

It was just the most Olympic gaslighting experience which is probably why I'm looping around.

I do feel like I've been slapped about my head.

OP posts:
moderate · 09/04/2026 02:11

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:30

This company is a start up. We've got 10 full time staff, 3 of which are junior in my department. Almost all the other team are contractors so there's very limited resources. I look after my own department but also go far, far beyond in taking care of almost everything that needs doing. 3am finishes are not uncommon for me, so finding someone willing to do what I do would be quite hard. I'm not into punishing people, I just don't want to be miserable or angry in my day to day.

Sounds like the company is likely to fail without you. Does your boss have any idea about this?

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