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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this bad or am I the problem

278 replies

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 00:44

I’d really appreciate some objective advice because I feel upset, confused and am questioning my sanity.

I’ve been working in a senior role at a growing company for several years. I pretty much built the department from scratch and as it was a scaling startup, I’ve worked extremely long hours to get it to where it is.

A few weeks ago, my boss hired in someone new in a parallel role that's equally senior but unrelated to my department. Let's call her Susan. Susan happens to be the bosses closest friend.

Susan immediately swept in and started acting like she ran the place. She was described by colleagues as "intimidating" and "patronising" and upset a couple of other senior staff by overstepping her role.

Then she began involving herself in my area. This started initially by her correcting my work without being asked or invited and where it had nothing to do with her. I set a boundary, politely, and she apologised but then continued to escalate this type of behavior.

Suggesting changes, directing junior members of my team, organising meetings around work I’m responsible for, and generally behaving as though they were the boss of my department rather than me. It was so pronounced that it started to cause disruption and junior staff asked why she was involved.

I raised concerns about this and was told it would be addressed as the boss said he agreed it was not acceptable. He reiterated I was the boss of my department and said he'd ensure I didn't have to work directly with her.

To my shock, shortly after the boss created a "leadership team" which includes Susan in which ONLY my departments work is discussed. As in, they use this group to challenge my work, but not hers or anyone else's.

From there she began challenging everything I do, down to minute execution turning almost every decision into a debate.

For example saying I should do something differently and when I disagreed saying "chatGPT agrees with my view" and the boss did nothing and even actively encouraged her.

So I started getting angry.

I again raised the issue a few days ago but got no reply.

It was clear to me at this point that the boss sees Susan as his best friend and wanted her to have involvement across every department, and that id either have to accept being constantly undermined or leave.

A few days later my junior colleague messaged me to ask me to give him access to some systems for our new team member. I asked "what team member?"

Astoundingly it turned out that Susan and my boss had hired someone for MY team (one of this Susans contacts) without even discussing it with me, and agreed this new hire would take over a very key part of my own role and I only found out because that team member came to me, confused and uncomfortable.

When I challenged it, I was told:
that area wasn’t really my responsibility (it is, and always has been), that nothing had been done in that space (which isn’t accurate), that it was just an “oversight” and a myriad of other excuses.

In the same discussion, my role was minimised in front of others, and it was implied I don’t really run my own function and that me reacting was due to me being "competitive" and "making it about ego".

I remained calm but resigned on the spot, but the conversation was so gaslighty with both of them claiming I had no reason to react and I wanted a sanity check as they made me feel nuts.

Before working in this job for the last few years I worked for myself so I've not got much of a grip on if this is normal work behaviour or not?

For clarity, my department has been the strongest performing in the company, Susan has absolutely no experience and I cannot find a legitimate business reason for any of this.

I'm really devasted to lose the job I love :(

OP posts:
FlapperFlamingo · 09/04/2026 12:17

Rather than going round in circles (which is what seems to be happening) I think you need to do 2 things: (1) get copies of the chat, any emails that support your case and your contract. See an employment lawyer and ask if you have a case (more money, no notice, whatever). (2) polish up your CV and start looking for a new role. The climate is honestly tough even for good people so don't assume the next role will come quickly.

CitizenofMoronia · 09/04/2026 12:19

WallaceinAnderland · 09/04/2026 01:13

It sounds tricky but it was your boss's decision and your role really is to go along with what you're asked to do. What others are doing in the company, in your department or in management, isn't really your responsibility. I think having had free rein for so long maybe you thought your views held more sway?

Have you given notice or just quit?

Edited

not if she has a job description and her role as team leader is being demonstratably eroded, thats called constructive dismissal.

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 12:20

Just wanted to say thanks all. When I posted last night I was crying and feeling so depressed, just from grief but also from feeling like I was the problem.

I feel more confident now that I wasn't in the wrong and couldn't have solved it.

I am still really scared about money. There seems to be loads of jobs in my field but I'm just very stressed about it all.

Wouldn't life be nice if we didn't need jobs

OP posts:
Mangelwurzelfortea · 09/04/2026 12:22

You definitely have a case for constructive dismissal, depends if you can be bothered pursuing it.

Your boss is a shit businessman if he's letting his 'friend' walk all over him. She'll wreck his business and that's all on him.

PrettyPickle · 09/04/2026 12:27

Random321 · 09/04/2026 01:01

Constructive dismissal case?

No, you have to lodge a grievance and lose before you can do constructive dismissal sadly.

LatteLady · 09/04/2026 12:36

PrettyPickle · 09/04/2026 12:27

No, you have to lodge a grievance and lose before you can do constructive dismissal sadly.

This is not accurate... contact ACAS and talk it through with them and then look for a decent employment lawyer, check your house and bank insurance as often it will cover these costs.

askmenow · 09/04/2026 12:49

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 08:56

Thank you.

Yes I'm intending gardening leave as I see now way to work out notice in the environment. The things said to me were really appalling.

OP, given the chaos that may ensue, perhaps consider taking any equity you have in this startup out immediately .

Manxexile · 09/04/2026 12:59

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 11:29

My boss owns 51% and is CEO. There is a board of directors but they're all related to him or friends with him. He's incredibly charming and nice on the surface so people tend to love him.

The other boss was a Co founder and he left due to being undermined. The behaviour is not dissimilar to what I've experienced.

The boss modus operandi has always been to surround himself with sycophants. If you don't agree on something what he does is to get a group together and publicly say "look all these people agree with me". He also gives people money to get their loyalty.

It's all a but psycho.

Facts, data, not relevant. I was granted considerable autonomy because my results were so good and he finds day to day stuff boring and pointless so he was just happy someone was running it.

He's the type of person who'd argue with you that the sky was black and then pretend he'd never said it.

I always liked my boss, but was deeply aware he's a malignant narcissist. He isn't evil or anything but he manipulates everyone to get his way.

He sounds like a very unpleasant twat.

I'm surprised you've enjoyed working for him so long.

Get your formal resignation in

askmenow · 09/04/2026 13:10

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 12:20

Just wanted to say thanks all. When I posted last night I was crying and feeling so depressed, just from grief but also from feeling like I was the problem.

I feel more confident now that I wasn't in the wrong and couldn't have solved it.

I am still really scared about money. There seems to be loads of jobs in my field but I'm just very stressed about it all.

Wouldn't life be nice if we didn't need jobs

Gosh OP, just read that you previously lost your home during failure of your business during Covid. And you are fearful of starting a business again.

But...You are a competent grafter putting in the hours for someone else's business . "Working til 3am"

You have stated they use contractors .

If you were to go for a substantial payout as a cushion, perhaps consider offering what you do now as a subcontractor. Set up your own consultancy.

Given you're unlikely to be able to take out your equity, do consider taking them for every penny you can if you have evidence.

Runningupthehillagain · 09/04/2026 13:20

This happened to me many years ago. I resigned and it was the best thing I ever did. I started to hate a career I was good at and worked hard for. I felt like I was actually going crazy as I had to justify and explain everything to this imposter. He was actually a nice person but the partners had bought him in without a proper job description and so he stuck himself to my department. He didn’t add a thing; caused huge delays and damage to internal relationships. I was glad to leave. The company went under 12 months later. That’s wasn’t due to me leaving but as a result of poor management.

YourOliveBalonz · 09/04/2026 13:34

If you’re not going to take legal action can you produce a helpful report of feedback (perhaps an appendix to your resignation letter) of all the ridiculous things you have put up with, the value they are losing etc.? Some of the things you’ve noted here! Even if it’s to make yourself feel better. It might be of interest to other shareholders; as much as they might be pally with the CEO they won’t love losing money if it’s going to go how you think it will.

Imdunfer · 09/04/2026 13:37

PrettyPickle · 09/04/2026 12:27

No, you have to lodge a grievance and lose before you can do constructive dismissal sadly.

I'm sorry but I don't think this is true.

The OP has attempted to address the issues and been rebuffed. A person has been appointed over her head. That person has recruited a member to her team without telling her. Her employment record and the achievement of her department was exemplary before the new appointment. A panel has been convened to manage her department. I think she has enough of a case at least to threaten them with a tribunal or a civil action.. Constructive dismissal does, or already us did, cover walking out when your situation has been made entirely untenable, as it has in this case.

She does need an employment lawyer, though.

EndlessTreadmill · 09/04/2026 13:46

Random321 · 09/04/2026 01:01

Constructive dismissal case?

This. Take back the resignation as it wasn't in writing, say it was 'heat of the moment' or whatever.
Don't give this up without a fight. At the very least you should get a lot more money.
Then, start documenting everything, involve HR, speak to a lawyer, and start building a constructive dismissal case.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/04/2026 13:52

EndlessTreadmill · 09/04/2026 13:46

This. Take back the resignation as it wasn't in writing, say it was 'heat of the moment' or whatever.
Don't give this up without a fight. At the very least you should get a lot more money.
Then, start documenting everything, involve HR, speak to a lawyer, and start building a constructive dismissal case.

Yes I think I would do this.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/04/2026 13:55

Constructive dismissal can be hard to prove but worth it. I do know an employer lawyer (2 actually) who are very good so pm me if you’d like their names:-

https://www.acas.org.uk/dismissals/constructive-dismissal

Imdunfer · 09/04/2026 13:58

EndlessTreadmill · 09/04/2026 13:46

This. Take back the resignation as it wasn't in writing, say it was 'heat of the moment' or whatever.
Don't give this up without a fight. At the very least you should get a lot more money.
Then, start documenting everything, involve HR, speak to a lawyer, and start building a constructive dismissal case.

She doesn't need to take back the resignation. In fact it's in her favour for a constructive dismissal case that she acted immediately her position became untenable.

Iamnotalemming · 09/04/2026 14:02

As you haven't sent a written resignation yet I highly recommend speaking to an employment solicitor. A couple of hours advice to help you secure a good exit, eg. a positive written reference as well as financials. There is a risk otherwise that dear old Susan might decide to help with your exit package and the CEO is feeling too defensive to get involved.

You've been treated terribly by the way, I'm sorry to read about it. Good luck Flowers

WallaceinAnderland · 09/04/2026 14:04

CitizenofMoronia · 09/04/2026 12:19

not if she has a job description and her role as team leader is being demonstratably eroded, thats called constructive dismissal.

Yes, it would very much depend on her job description, the agreed roles and the chain of command. I don't think it's as clear cut as constructive dismissal. It will depend on various factors but agree that OP should take advice from ACAS with a view to making a claim. Especially if the verbally promised 'we'll see you right' doesn't actually materialise.

EvelynBeatrice · 09/04/2026 14:05

Who are the shareholders? How engaged are they? Do they understand your contribution, do you think?

Think big and strategically. Could you run the business? Could you be a company director? Without useless manager? If so is there an opportunity here for you for reinstatement or promotion if shareholders see disaster looming? Are there VCs / institutional investors?

Could you approach a corporate finance team at one of the big four and see if any appetite for exploring buyout opportunities or you being a NED in a similar business?
You sound a good bet to me. And remember that female NEDs are in great demand to address the gender imbalance.

A final note. What do the company’s articles of association (available free from Companies House) say about your shares?. They may be subject to a mandatory transfer at a set price if you cease to be an employee. You may well need legal advice.

EvelynBeatrice · 09/04/2026 14:11

And check if your employment contract contains a restrictive covenant seeking to prevent you from working in competing business or soliciting customers etc for set period. Ask your lawyer what impact a constructive dismissal claim will have on your freedom of action / any such covenant if any.

It may be worth using a constructive dismissal claim as a bargaining chip in negotiation. Stop being upset and start thinking of what you want and how to get it.

Hellohelga · 09/04/2026 14:25

Random321 · 09/04/2026 01:01

Constructive dismissal case?

Yes exactly this - it is constructive dismissal.

MyMilchick · 09/04/2026 14:39

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 11:29

My boss owns 51% and is CEO. There is a board of directors but they're all related to him or friends with him. He's incredibly charming and nice on the surface so people tend to love him.

The other boss was a Co founder and he left due to being undermined. The behaviour is not dissimilar to what I've experienced.

The boss modus operandi has always been to surround himself with sycophants. If you don't agree on something what he does is to get a group together and publicly say "look all these people agree with me". He also gives people money to get their loyalty.

It's all a but psycho.

Facts, data, not relevant. I was granted considerable autonomy because my results were so good and he finds day to day stuff boring and pointless so he was just happy someone was running it.

He's the type of person who'd argue with you that the sky was black and then pretend he'd never said it.

I always liked my boss, but was deeply aware he's a malignant narcissist. He isn't evil or anything but he manipulates everyone to get his way.

Sounds like you're better off out of there in that case. Best of luck with the job hunt and fingers crossed she'll ruin your dept. 😛

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 14:43

Iamnotalemming · 09/04/2026 14:02

As you haven't sent a written resignation yet I highly recommend speaking to an employment solicitor. A couple of hours advice to help you secure a good exit, eg. a positive written reference as well as financials. There is a risk otherwise that dear old Susan might decide to help with your exit package and the CEO is feeling too defensive to get involved.

You've been treated terribly by the way, I'm sorry to read about it. Good luck Flowers

I guarantee 💯 that my resignation letter will be sent to Susan and that the two of them will decide the outcome. This is basically how gross the whole thing is with her.

I've not sent it yet. Just thinking it all over.

What's certainly true is that the boss is a massive wimp who hates conflict. That's why when challenged he lashed out with every ridiculous justification in the book.

So I think even though he probably doesn't value me much he will very much panic at a formal letter outlining the situation, as well as panicking about how he will quickly get someone else to fill my shoes (he's well aware Susan cannot).

But his worst fear of all is not looking like the nice guy. And my loyal colleagues are absolutely disgusted by this.

OP posts:
Mcdhotchoc · 09/04/2026 14:58

My sympathy.
I went through similar. I was absolutely gaslight by an absolute fucker of a woman.
Took me a bit longer than you to let go but I've never regretted it.

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 15:37

Resignation letter sent.

Now I'll wait.

I'm very stressed about the future. I hope I find something else I love.

OP posts:
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