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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this bad or am I the problem

278 replies

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 00:44

I’d really appreciate some objective advice because I feel upset, confused and am questioning my sanity.

I’ve been working in a senior role at a growing company for several years. I pretty much built the department from scratch and as it was a scaling startup, I’ve worked extremely long hours to get it to where it is.

A few weeks ago, my boss hired in someone new in a parallel role that's equally senior but unrelated to my department. Let's call her Susan. Susan happens to be the bosses closest friend.

Susan immediately swept in and started acting like she ran the place. She was described by colleagues as "intimidating" and "patronising" and upset a couple of other senior staff by overstepping her role.

Then she began involving herself in my area. This started initially by her correcting my work without being asked or invited and where it had nothing to do with her. I set a boundary, politely, and she apologised but then continued to escalate this type of behavior.

Suggesting changes, directing junior members of my team, organising meetings around work I’m responsible for, and generally behaving as though they were the boss of my department rather than me. It was so pronounced that it started to cause disruption and junior staff asked why she was involved.

I raised concerns about this and was told it would be addressed as the boss said he agreed it was not acceptable. He reiterated I was the boss of my department and said he'd ensure I didn't have to work directly with her.

To my shock, shortly after the boss created a "leadership team" which includes Susan in which ONLY my departments work is discussed. As in, they use this group to challenge my work, but not hers or anyone else's.

From there she began challenging everything I do, down to minute execution turning almost every decision into a debate.

For example saying I should do something differently and when I disagreed saying "chatGPT agrees with my view" and the boss did nothing and even actively encouraged her.

So I started getting angry.

I again raised the issue a few days ago but got no reply.

It was clear to me at this point that the boss sees Susan as his best friend and wanted her to have involvement across every department, and that id either have to accept being constantly undermined or leave.

A few days later my junior colleague messaged me to ask me to give him access to some systems for our new team member. I asked "what team member?"

Astoundingly it turned out that Susan and my boss had hired someone for MY team (one of this Susans contacts) without even discussing it with me, and agreed this new hire would take over a very key part of my own role and I only found out because that team member came to me, confused and uncomfortable.

When I challenged it, I was told:
that area wasn’t really my responsibility (it is, and always has been), that nothing had been done in that space (which isn’t accurate), that it was just an “oversight” and a myriad of other excuses.

In the same discussion, my role was minimised in front of others, and it was implied I don’t really run my own function and that me reacting was due to me being "competitive" and "making it about ego".

I remained calm but resigned on the spot, but the conversation was so gaslighty with both of them claiming I had no reason to react and I wanted a sanity check as they made me feel nuts.

Before working in this job for the last few years I worked for myself so I've not got much of a grip on if this is normal work behaviour or not?

For clarity, my department has been the strongest performing in the company, Susan has absolutely no experience and I cannot find a legitimate business reason for any of this.

I'm really devasted to lose the job I love :(

OP posts:
Walkaround · 09/04/2026 08:30

I would definitely sue for constructive dismissal on this one.

Forgotthebins · 09/04/2026 08:31

It sounds like constructive dismissal.

what you do with it is your choice, but you might want to speak to a lawyer to find out if that is likely and what your possible payout should be if so.

your boss and Susan sound like worms but it’s possible that you also had a bit of founder syndrome yourself and working til 3am, were losing perspective. There might have been good reason to get some oversight or support to you. I had a colleague who thought her large team loved her but actually they were emotionally managing her suppressed stress and fawning, although they respected her skills.

There is a third option, you speak to your boss and say maybe I was hasty resigning and I withdraw that, but let’s have an all cards on the table discussion. If he really wants you gone, you just lost all your leverage to get a better payoff by resigning.

Bubblefun70 · 09/04/2026 08:35

Random321 · 09/04/2026 01:01

Constructive dismissal case?

Exactly what I was thinking. Maybe invest in paying for a consultation with a good employment lawyer!!!!

Bestfootforward11 · 09/04/2026 08:38

Get a lawyer. If you’re not sure, just have an initial chat or something. You have a constructive dismissal claim. They will likely settle. The unacceptable behaviour needs to be acknowledged in some way. But I completely get if you prefer to put it behind you. Sorry you’ve had to go through this. All the best.

dapsnotplimsolls · 09/04/2026 08:40

Definitely consult a lawyer. The other boss might not stick to what he's said - do you have it in writing?

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 08:43

Lilactimes · 09/04/2026 07:52

@GraceInBloom - this sounds really awful and difficult.

if your boss had any sort of problem with your work and the department, he should have talked to you about areas for improvement with targets and given you a chance to do that.

This sounds like a case for constructive dismissal as others have said. Get lawyer advice on constructing your case. It needs to be detailed with examples and back up like emails to prove your point.

I wish you luck. It sounds awful and so stressful and your boss has not handled this well.

Hi Lilac, I've questioned my sanity considerably but in terms of performance there are two departments that drive revenue. Mine and the bosses. Mine has exceeded targets by 34% last years, his underperformed by 12%. While performance can we subjective, the statistics demonstrate my work is way beyond industry average so I really don't think my results can be called into question.

OP posts:
dunroamingfornow · 09/04/2026 08:43

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 01:07

I do have evidence of it all. It was in a group chat. But I don't think I need a lawyer because I'm due 3 months pay + a bonus and i don't think they'll refuse to pay me.

If you file for ET you could end up with a settlement and/ or compensation far in excess of that.

Lastgig · 09/04/2026 08:45

Hello @GraceInBloom

I'm an ex CEO and law graduate and this is definitely constructive dismissal.
However you mentioned you are a shareholder and that brings an obligation of 'best endeavours'. You are not able to bad mouth them.
I have personally been bullied out of my role by friends of the owner/ founder and like you have set up the company for them. It stinks but these people quickly forget your contribution. It's about them. They are king not you.

Have you left the building? Because constructive dismissal means your job is untenable. Check your household insurance for legal cover. Saves a fortune.

However I personally wouldn't both suing them. Get as much money as possible from them and wish them well. You might even get asked back to consult. That's happened to me from some absolute shits. The new bod left and they needed me. I did some work for a former employer yesterday. M and A and if it goes through they owe me.
I don't bother to shout the odds these days. I'm older than you and this too will pass.
My favourite line to fuckwit employers is not my style/ not my values. It frustrates the hell out of them.
DM if you want anything else. Good luck

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 08:51

Firesidechatter · 09/04/2026 08:04

Op, do you want to take this to tribunal. I don’t think you do? it’s a long hard and arduous process.

it sounds like completely inept management to me, rather than they were deliberately trying to force you out. What was the reaction when you resigned -please?

on a separate note I can’t beleive a couple of people suggested an affair. Some folks are utterly obsessed.

Not at all no. Just because I don't want the hassle, but if they don't treat me fairly I would.

As I mentioned I resigned on the spot amd haven't sent the formal letter yet. I'm almost certain they thought I wasn't serious and that I'll be off a few days and then be back.

The boss seems to feel quite confident that I'd put up with anything and when he was challenged he got very angry and doubled down significantly trying to retroactively justify his actions.

The justifications made no sense. It was like a child getting caught.

OP posts:
GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 08:54

Owly11 · 09/04/2026 08:20

Didn't you post about this before? You did the right thing resigning. No need to put your health and happiness in the hands of these fuckwits.

It only happened yesterday and I created my account last night, so no, wasn't me

OP posts:
GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 08:56

SunnyRedSnail · 09/04/2026 08:26

@GraceInBloom sounds like you were an absolute asset to this company and any other company will be lucky to have you. You have an amazing work ethic.

I assume you won't be going back into work and are now on paid "gardening leave"?

I'd negotiate your 3 months pay plus your outstanding bonus on the basis you agree not to follow a constructive dismissal claim against them.

Constructive dismissal cases are difficult to win and not many succeed. But sounds like they have lost an amazing employee and will suffer because of their own actions. Eventually the company will come unstuck.

Thank you.

Yes I'm intending gardening leave as I see now way to work out notice in the environment. The things said to me were really appalling.

OP posts:
fungibletoken · 09/04/2026 09:00

Poor you, OP - the management sound very unprofessional. With your bonus I would just make sure that you will still be paid it even though you have given notice. I would hope so but worth checking your contract.

Madamswearsalot · 09/04/2026 09:02

@GraceInBloom is the equity worth something or likely to be worth something in the future? And will you want to take your shares/options with you? If so, check your options agreement to make sure you’ll be able to buy them when leaving. Many options agreement have a bad leaver provision that often includes resignations in that definition. Which may mean you can’t take the options when you leave.

More generally, people like Susan and your boss exist and can be found in companies across the land, stinking up the place with their ineptitude and complete conviction that they are amazing. From what you’ve said, you’re not going mad, they have gaslit you and you are better off out of there. Just make sure you have a cushion for what is a tricky job market.

Owly11 · 09/04/2026 09:03

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 08:54

It only happened yesterday and I created my account last night, so no, wasn't me

Ah it sounded similar to a thread recently although in that one I don't think the op had resigned so I wondered if this was a kind of follow up thread.

IdentityCris · 09/04/2026 09:03

Is there a grievance procedure, and can you use it?

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 09:10

Madamswearsalot · 09/04/2026 09:02

@GraceInBloom is the equity worth something or likely to be worth something in the future? And will you want to take your shares/options with you? If so, check your options agreement to make sure you’ll be able to buy them when leaving. Many options agreement have a bad leaver provision that often includes resignations in that definition. Which may mean you can’t take the options when you leave.

More generally, people like Susan and your boss exist and can be found in companies across the land, stinking up the place with their ineptitude and complete conviction that they are amazing. From what you’ve said, you’re not going mad, they have gaslit you and you are better off out of there. Just make sure you have a cushion for what is a tricky job market.

If sold today the equity is worth £1.2m but it's a private company and I can't just sell it. I also can't be bought out for a year due to the terms of them and I'm not even sure they would buy me out.

I think the fact that I have equity and stand to be wealthy is why the boss felt he would behave however outrageously he wished. But it's actually just paper money.

As I mentioned I generate a few million in revenue and that would probably halve this year with my departure. Additionally the area my boss manages has underperformed for two years so revenue in that area has dropped rather than increased.

Add onto that, without me there they will simply not do vital things and it'll end up causing harm to the brand so I question significantly whether they will still be in business in a year. I feel - without being arrogant- that I was making sure everything ran and worked.

OP posts:
Imdunfer · 09/04/2026 09:12

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 08:51

Not at all no. Just because I don't want the hassle, but if they don't treat me fairly I would.

As I mentioned I resigned on the spot amd haven't sent the formal letter yet. I'm almost certain they thought I wasn't serious and that I'll be off a few days and then be back.

The boss seems to feel quite confident that I'd put up with anything and when he was challenged he got very angry and doubled down significantly trying to retroactively justify his actions.

The justifications made no sense. It was like a child getting caught.

Your definition of "reasonable"is far too low.

You have documented evidence of constructive dismissal. You should be demanding at least a year's pay to shut up and go away.

You can threaten them with a tribunal without meaning to go ahead with it. I couldn't take the stress of an actual tribunal, but the threat will usually do the trick.

I hope you stick to your guns and get what you deserve.

PS I am HR trained on this particular point.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 09/04/2026 09:13

I don't know about the legalities etc but I would say that you are better off out of that company. If the boss is beginning to run it on nepotism and letting his friends with grandiose ideas that probably outrun their ability, then the company is destined to fail anyway. You would end up as the only efficient person, working yourself into the ground to try to keep it from circling the drain.

Good luck in finding something better!

Beachtastic · 09/04/2026 09:14

Before working in this job for the last few years I worked for myself

Can you do this again, OP? You're obviously very good at what you do.

Goldfsh · 09/04/2026 09:16

Is it normal - well, unfortunately in the work environment it's not remotely unusual.

I think you were wise to resign. I've done similar in this situation. You aren't going to win, and living with endless friction is hideous. Get out and don't look back!

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 09:30

Beachtastic · 09/04/2026 09:14

Before working in this job for the last few years I worked for myself

Can you do this again, OP? You're obviously very good at what you do.

Unfortunately not. My business was international events and it took 15 years to build but was sadly lost in the pandemic due to the lock downs. It would take me years to build again and I simply can't afford it.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 09/04/2026 09:33

So sorry this is happening to you. It sounds dreadful.

MajorProcrastination · 09/04/2026 09:35

It sounds like you've got this in hand but it's still awful that it's happened.

I hope that you find another position that you love.

Collecting all the evidence, solid examples, those screenshots you've got etc is really important.

ApplesAreAmazing · 09/04/2026 09:49

Can you work for your competitor? Or is there a clause in your contract preventing you? Or does the other owner who left have any leads on employment? You sound like the sort of person who should be snapped up if applying for a job.
I think that unless the other owner steps in and resolves the situation you are right to leave, it's a horrendous situation. Sadly weak leaders need cheer leaders to feed their ego. I don't know the answer about from to distance yourself.

TheCurious0range · 09/04/2026 09:54

It sounds top heavy, 10 staff and 5 department heads? She shouldn't have time as a HOD to get involved in your work. I think you know it's best to walk away, but I really would seek legal advice. This seems a very clear case of constructive dismissal

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