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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this bad or am I the problem

278 replies

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 00:44

I’d really appreciate some objective advice because I feel upset, confused and am questioning my sanity.

I’ve been working in a senior role at a growing company for several years. I pretty much built the department from scratch and as it was a scaling startup, I’ve worked extremely long hours to get it to where it is.

A few weeks ago, my boss hired in someone new in a parallel role that's equally senior but unrelated to my department. Let's call her Susan. Susan happens to be the bosses closest friend.

Susan immediately swept in and started acting like she ran the place. She was described by colleagues as "intimidating" and "patronising" and upset a couple of other senior staff by overstepping her role.

Then she began involving herself in my area. This started initially by her correcting my work without being asked or invited and where it had nothing to do with her. I set a boundary, politely, and she apologised but then continued to escalate this type of behavior.

Suggesting changes, directing junior members of my team, organising meetings around work I’m responsible for, and generally behaving as though they were the boss of my department rather than me. It was so pronounced that it started to cause disruption and junior staff asked why she was involved.

I raised concerns about this and was told it would be addressed as the boss said he agreed it was not acceptable. He reiterated I was the boss of my department and said he'd ensure I didn't have to work directly with her.

To my shock, shortly after the boss created a "leadership team" which includes Susan in which ONLY my departments work is discussed. As in, they use this group to challenge my work, but not hers or anyone else's.

From there she began challenging everything I do, down to minute execution turning almost every decision into a debate.

For example saying I should do something differently and when I disagreed saying "chatGPT agrees with my view" and the boss did nothing and even actively encouraged her.

So I started getting angry.

I again raised the issue a few days ago but got no reply.

It was clear to me at this point that the boss sees Susan as his best friend and wanted her to have involvement across every department, and that id either have to accept being constantly undermined or leave.

A few days later my junior colleague messaged me to ask me to give him access to some systems for our new team member. I asked "what team member?"

Astoundingly it turned out that Susan and my boss had hired someone for MY team (one of this Susans contacts) without even discussing it with me, and agreed this new hire would take over a very key part of my own role and I only found out because that team member came to me, confused and uncomfortable.

When I challenged it, I was told:
that area wasn’t really my responsibility (it is, and always has been), that nothing had been done in that space (which isn’t accurate), that it was just an “oversight” and a myriad of other excuses.

In the same discussion, my role was minimised in front of others, and it was implied I don’t really run my own function and that me reacting was due to me being "competitive" and "making it about ego".

I remained calm but resigned on the spot, but the conversation was so gaslighty with both of them claiming I had no reason to react and I wanted a sanity check as they made me feel nuts.

Before working in this job for the last few years I worked for myself so I've not got much of a grip on if this is normal work behaviour or not?

For clarity, my department has been the strongest performing in the company, Susan has absolutely no experience and I cannot find a legitimate business reason for any of this.

I'm really devasted to lose the job I love :(

OP posts:
GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 02:22

moderate · 09/04/2026 02:11

Sounds like the company is likely to fail without you. Does your boss have any idea about this?

Umm. My department generates a few million of revenue. It would be fairly easy for someone to use the systems I've built to continue that but I'd guess it would reduce because there's more to it than meets the eye.

The bigger problem they're going to have is that I'm pretty much the person that manages everything. So staff member had an issue? Me. Website has a problem? Me. Legal issue? Me. New idea that needs to be executed? Me. Making sure materials are kept up to date? Me.

My contribution was so considerable to the overall running of things that they actually gave me equity last year, so I own some shares. But a lot of it isn't glamorous or impressive, it's just getting the job done and I'm a grafter.

I think my boss is aware of all I do but sadly doesn't see it's value. He thinks things like making sure things for customers are up to date is a "waste of time". He's pretty nice, fun, but definitely has founder syndrome where everything is about ideas but he's got no interest in the boring bit of making it work.

My other boss, his co founder, left because of this behavior.

But because he doesn't value much of what I take on i suspect he won't care that much, but without question down the road something will end up going wrong.

OP posts:
Clonakilla · 09/04/2026 02:25

Mmmm best friend or affair partner?

Either way - get legal advice, you don’t need to do anything with it if you don’t wish but you’d be foolish not to inform yourself about all options.

GraceInBloom · 09/04/2026 02:26

Definitely best friend, she's his cousin!

OP posts:
FreyasCats · 09/04/2026 02:31

I've been in the workplace for over 30 years at many different levels with many kinds of mad egoists.

These levels of nepotism, micromanagement and gaslighting seem to have become endemic in the last few years unfortunately.

It won't improve and Susan's mate won't admit she's a liability until the company is in ruins. Susan will continue to move her mates and relatives in.

Trump may be one of the most extreme examples of this approach but so many organisations seem to be reflecting it as a kind of microcosm. Your only realistic option is to look elsewhere unless you want to waste years of energy on the situation, and probably burn out in the process.

Shattereddreamsparkway · 09/04/2026 02:35

Make a Subject Access Request and consult a lawyer for constructive dismissal - the SAR will give you further evidence.

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 09/04/2026 03:05

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Evidemment · 09/04/2026 03:07

Please do not fall into the age old trap of deciding to just let this happen to you because you don't want to cause a fuss/want to be nice/don't want to cause problems. You have been treated terribly in a situation that is supposed to be professional.

You should absolutely speak with a solicitor who specialises in employment law. Get your bonus and your pay and get yourself a shiny new job with a pay increase. I'd also be inclined to check the old employment contract to see if any created assets or processes you've produced are their property or yours - if yours, they certainly shouldn't continue to benefit from them after this and you should remove their access.

Oh to be a fly on the wall when they realise what they've done

SpidersAreShitheads · 09/04/2026 04:17

Evidemment · 09/04/2026 03:07

Please do not fall into the age old trap of deciding to just let this happen to you because you don't want to cause a fuss/want to be nice/don't want to cause problems. You have been treated terribly in a situation that is supposed to be professional.

You should absolutely speak with a solicitor who specialises in employment law. Get your bonus and your pay and get yourself a shiny new job with a pay increase. I'd also be inclined to check the old employment contract to see if any created assets or processes you've produced are their property or yours - if yours, they certainly shouldn't continue to benefit from them after this and you should remove their access.

Oh to be a fly on the wall when they realise what they've done

I agree with this. If anything can be classified as your intellectual property, I wouldn’t leave it for them to benefit from.

I also think you should pursue them for constructive dismissal. The way you’ve been treated is appalling. Do not doubt yourself.

In your shoes I would be very much anticipating watching it all come crashing down in due course once they start to feel the impact of your absence.

WhatNextImScared · 09/04/2026 04:26

Definitely see a lawyer. You were right to resign as you were actively being pushed out - but I also think in this jobs market I would have waited to have a new role in place first.

ToastSoldiers · 09/04/2026 05:08

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Ahem… they made one mention of his corruption and you responded with… this….

Anyway, OP, my blood was boiling for you, just reading that. I do think you should perhaps consult a solicitor.

Sophieishilarious · 09/04/2026 05:16

Hi@GraceinBloom read your post snd immediately thought easily a constructive dismissal case. Please talk to a lawyer. I have a few friends who challenged their work places for this and won. Definitely sounds like ypu could have a case!

For your sanity check - you sounds very switched on and self aware to me. I imagine you have pretty high IQ and EQ too. ‘susan’ wont be efficient like you and they will all feel the effects of that throughout the company.

Speak to a lawyer. (I can always find out who two of my friends used and message you privately?! They both won!)

Whatever happens it will work our for you, as you sound like a grafter. Sendng huge positive vibes to you! X

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 09/04/2026 05:17

ToastSoldiers · 09/04/2026 05:08

Ahem… they made one mention of his corruption and you responded with… this….

Anyway, OP, my blood was boiling for you, just reading that. I do think you should perhaps consult a solicitor.

Ahem...they made one absolutely irrelevant mention of man they are utterly obsessed by who has absolutely nothing at all to do with this thread because they have TDS and he lives rent free in their head.

And I responded... correctly, doing them and everyone around them an enormous favour by pointing out anyone who tries to shoehorn Trump into every single conversation does, indeed, sound deranged.

YW.

Beenwhereyouareagain · 09/04/2026 05:36

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 09/04/2026 01:25

If you can follow it up and make their lives difficult in any way at all, through seeking a settlement for constructive dismissal or otherwise, you should. Neither he nor his girlfriend should be allowed to get away with this sort of behaviour without consequences, the next target may not have your cushion or ability to stand up for themselves.

Edited

She's his COUSIN, so let's hope she's not also his girlfriend.

SeaShellsSanctuary1 · 09/04/2026 05:44

Look to get some advice off ACAS

FallacySunken · 09/04/2026 05:45

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I don’t think you realise how deranged you sound, with this OTT response to a throwaway comment!

3luckystars · 09/04/2026 05:53

I don’t think things are going to improve. Get out, get legal advice and get it on record what happened, even if that feels like the harder option. You are in the middle of the storm now, but you will be glad later that you didn’t let those idiots bully you out and get away with it.

EavanBoland · 09/04/2026 06:25

You are definitely not in the wrong or acting like a diva. It very much sounds like you were treated appallingly and were right to resign. I hope you get the decent exit package you’ve been promised. As an aside, 5 heads of dept for 10 full time staff seems a bit top heavy? Good luck with your future endeavours.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/04/2026 06:27

What a nightmare. Honestly you’re best out of there.

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/04/2026 06:28

Bosses friends often have the upper hand in workplaces. Happened to me in past (tiny business).

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 09/04/2026 06:30

Ps good luck. 🤞

Thisle · 09/04/2026 06:42

This reply has been deleted

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There's only one person making this conversation about Trump and doing so in a quite frankly hysterical (not a word I care to use, but it applies here) fashion.

Tillow4ever · 09/04/2026 06:42

On reading this my immediate thought was “tribunal time”. Definitely see a lawyer. Doesn’t matter how good your leaving payout is, presumably that’s contracted? You aren’t leaving through choice - so nail them. It might stop them doing this to someone else.

WhatTheHellsGoingOn · 09/04/2026 06:50

Are Susan and your former boss sleeping together?

Mintchocs · 09/04/2026 06:51

WallaceinAnderland · 09/04/2026 01:13

It sounds tricky but it was your boss's decision and your role really is to go along with what you're asked to do. What others are doing in the company, in your department or in management, isn't really your responsibility. I think having had free rein for so long maybe you thought your views held more sway?

Have you given notice or just quit?

Edited

She was dealing with toxic, ineffective, undermining crap management. She shouldnt have to tolerate that.

Also 'having free rein' is a weird comment: She didn't have free rein, she had a regular level of autonomy anyone with her experience would have had. To say 'maybe you thought your ideas held more sway' sounds bitchy! Why shouldn't her ideas hold some sway if she manages a team herself and is a long service, effective amd valued member of the company?! If they didn't she'd be useless as a manager.

ToastSoldiers · 09/04/2026 06:52

plainjanesuperbrain2026 · 09/04/2026 05:17

Ahem...they made one absolutely irrelevant mention of man they are utterly obsessed by who has absolutely nothing at all to do with this thread because they have TDS and he lives rent free in their head.

And I responded... correctly, doing them and everyone around them an enormous favour by pointing out anyone who tries to shoehorn Trump into every single conversation does, indeed, sound deranged.

YW.

I’m going to back very slowly away from this one as I can see we have zero common ground and it’s derailing OP’s thread.

One small helpful note though, it’s ‘rein’ not ‘reign’ although I know you guys do love your kings 😊