Daughter has gone NC with me over comment on her new profile photo

[Luceee25]

DD (30) can be very stubborn, and has been NC with me for nearly two weeks now which I am finding really upsetting.

She had been away travelling with a friend and always posted photos to Facebook to keep everyone updated. She has lots of family on there who always interact with her.

When she returned, she uploaded a new profile photo which was basically of her bare behind when led on a boat with only a tiny bit of string from her swimwear to protect her modesty.

I suggested to her that she might have wanted to reconsider whether that was really appropriate and also pointed out that any prospective employers could potentially see that and it wouldn’t give the image of a professional.

She went ballistic, told me it’s 2026 and women are empowered to share photos like that. She then told me she wanted some space and hasn’t responded to any of my attempted contact since.

I am now doubting whether I was out of order with what I said initially. I have apologised repeatedly for offending her (although I do stand by my comments completely). Do you think I should have shut up?

If you didn't say anything, and then it caused a problem (not getting a job or many other things), would she hold you responsible?
I am so sorry she's treating you like this. So many women who don't have a mum would love someone caring about them.

Lol, if you knew my mum, you'd laugh too.

Tbf, I'd also not have my arse out in any photo.

that's not what we're talking about here though. so what relevance is it?

but the OP's daughter would probably say that women are "empowered" to do those jobs in 2026!

Surely most people would expect their Mum to say 'Put it away dear, your Grandad doesn't want to see that' if they changed their profile pic to their arse, even if it was their arse if Bali!

Particularly silly when she justifies it with this nonsense

She went ballistic, told me it’s 2026 and women are empowered to share photos like that

Unless you’re constantly commenting on her appearance and clothing it wasn’t over the line and her reaction is very strong.

But if you regularly comment you should stop.

Haven’t RTFT but it sounds like she hasn’t done anything so dramatic as going NC with you.
Daughter gets pissed off with mum who says something she doesn’t like?
Situation as old as time.
”are you really not talking to me because we disagreed? Sorry if I upset you. You know I always love you very much, your mum xxxxxx”

well, that's you isn't it? we all have our own relationships with our parents. I don't have a great relationship with mine. she's controlling and interfering (plus a load of other issues) so any seemingly off hand comments are like the one I mentioned the straw that broke the camel's back.

We're not here to discuss my relationship with my mum though. I only mention it as you don't know what the dynamics are btw a parent and child. I'm guessing there's more to this than what the OP is saying...

And does that very contrived line not give tou pause to question the veracity of the story

I dont think you should have said anything. Shes an adult.
If a friend said that to me id not go no contact but I certainly wouldn't be counting her a close friend any more because id think she were a judgemental busybody.
I mean what's the point of making a comment like that? You think your daughter doesn't understand the picture she posted?
All it achieves is upsetting her. And from her point of view she probably feels you are always criticising her and its effecting her self esteem.
People dont want to be put down. They dont want to feel constantly criticised
She probably felt she looked good in that picture and its probably really hurt her that you had to make a negative comment.
I think next time before you make any critical comment think about the consequences of it.
You've asked her to think about the consequences of posting that picture but can you take a leaf out of your own book and think about the consequences of comments you make?
Ask yourself 'is it really necessary to make this comment or will it just cause hurt?'

Re your update that this was a private message - then she's wrong and you're right. Your only mistake was to apologise.

Her bizarre overreaction proves she knows you're right too. I'd have been a bit peeved with my mum if I thought she was overstepping and told her "Oh for God's sake mum it's not 1950 anymore!" or something similar, and that would have been a normal reaction.

Going NC with your mother because she's worried in a private message about you posting your bare arse in public is a massive overreaction. It is absolutely normal for a mother to worry about her kid making an arse of herself (pun intended) in the public sphere and doing something that might have negative consequences for her into the future.

She knows you're right and is probably embarrassed and is taking it out her feelings on you - mothers are a nice soft target for unkind and unfair reactions.

I don't have any advice for you, beyond just leave it for now, least said soonest mended is often true.

Is she actively applying for jobs atm, or is she still travelling? If the former, then it was absolutely very sensible of you to make the comment. You have done absolutely nothing wrong, she is the problem here!

Your feelings about her picture, and the fact that she might regret it when they reappear in the future were spot on. You didn’t post your thoughts publicly but shared them with her privately so she has nothing to g to be in a strop about, nor do you have anything to apologise for. There’s a big difference between needless criticism and constructive advice and she’s in for a life of pain if she can’t tell them apart.

PS. I would not call again, you apologised already. Mothers have opinions and she may not like it, but she is a big girl. Does she have a bad temper generally?
The ball is in her court.

yep, agree. 100%

I agree with you but I think she’s too old for you to be lecturing her.

Omg yes. Beautifully put.

Ballooned to a 14/16? My goodness.

It's fair dos for someone who loves you (parents, sibling, best mate) to tell you that an arse-out string bikini profile photo on social media is not the best look for anyone seeking employment outside of the sex industry. Be honest with yourself about the tone you took with her, All you can do is reiterate that you love her, you will always be proud of her and all she achieves as an independent adult, but you will always want to protect her because you love her.

And honestly as well as everything else I said, she does need a wake up call.

She can call it eMpOwErInG to expose her arse ot the public and some people will nod politely and some will cheer and say go girl!

And then many won't employ her or choose to avoid her. She does need to realise that everyone - absolutely everyone - judges everything everyone else does all the time. That has never changed, and it won't, regardless of the zeitgeist she currently inhabits.

Those who judge her the most harshly won't say anything at all, they'll just avoid her.

She's got the right to do as she pleases, of course, but it will be far better for her to realise her feelings are not in the majority and that many people will look at her social media choices and think wtf, or worse. If she's good with that, then no problem. But it's certainly good information if she can process that the world is not cheering her on for posting her bare arse in public, some are - many aren't.

And make sure you tug your forelock when you say it. 🙄

I believe we all could be a bit more thick skinned and a bit less precious. Going no contact for trivial reasons is childish and should come back round to bite her in that bare arse of hers.

she hasn't gone NC though, has she? the OP's daughter said she didn't like her mum's comment and said she needs space. The daughter hasn't spoken the OP for 2 weeks.

Everyone here is calling the daughter dramatic when in fact the OP is not shy with the hyperbole is she?

And some of us are suggesting she apologises to the daughter as she was saying she's upset by the silence. She's upset her daughter and is bothered by this. IMO the best way around it is to apologise. Otherwise the OP is the stubborn one.

do you honestly think capitalising letters makes the point stronger?

She sounds like an overgrown toddler. I’d ignore her for now and wait till she grows up a bit.

Presumably as soon as she wants something from you, she’ll be back in touch and pretending nothing has happened.