Is DH being cheeky about money?

[Theartiste]

We have recently sold our house and bought a new one, and have made a good profit from it. Should be concluding in the next couple of months. We agreed that we will use some towards the mortgage, some for small renovations, and a little left over towards next year's holiday. DH also said he will use some to pay off debts he has from when we first got together. These are debts related to buying a fancy car, expensive clothes, etc. nothing to do with bills or redundancy or anything like that. I feel it's a little unfair as I'm not planning on taking the same amount for myself, when I suggested it he said I was being unfair (perhaps I am!). I hate to post about money because it always sounds so petty but it does feel a bit unfair that I've always been careful with money and never buy much for myself whereas DH does. Also just to say, I would be more than happy to pool our money together and then this wouldn't matter as much but DH wants our finances mainly separate. Please tell me if I'm being horrible. I don't have a problem with him sorting his debt out but feel it's only fair I have the same amount to play with.

yes once you have paid the things you agreed, just share the rest of money and each can do whatever they want with their share.

I think the debt should be paid. Am assuming it’s not zero interest it makes no sense to pay interest when the money is available to eradicate the debt. However, I would also want shared finances with a budget for amount to be saved, food, utilities, hobbies etc and the amount for each category is agreed by both parties.

Why should you help pay for his fancy car

or you take the same amount

That's his choice! He could give up his expensive hobby and have more cash for other things. Agree with pp that you should take an equal amount to his debt payment amount for yourself from this profit. And actually spend it on yourself, not family things.

He has 2 choices OP.

He uses some of the money to pay off his debt BUT you take exactly the same amount for yourself and keep it in a separate account away from his sticky fingers

Or

He pays his debts from his own funds.

He's trying to have his cake and eat yours!

If dh paying interest on his debts I would be happy to let him use the money to pay it off. I would expect him to pay it back to the family holiday though. So you still dont have to pay anything to holiday and he benefits from clearing debts and saving on interest.

Paying down debts is rational thing to do. But your collective spare cash should be treated equitably by you both. If he gets something torwards his debt, you should also get the same amount to do with as your please. That's only fair.

You re completely right.

If he’s got debt surely the sensible approach would be to pay the amount he’s currently spending on his expensive hobby towards it? The money from the house sale should be split evenly too. He’s taking the piss.

You both should get the same amount to play with. Because he already had his fun his goes on debts, but you spend yours however you wish!

No, if he gets a chunk then you get the same amount.

Then stash it somewhere safe so you have a safety net.

He wants seperate finances so fairs fair.

So you’re saving a lot on child care which probably would cost more than his overpayment (even between you). Sure he can take some money but you can do the same then - he’s a cheeky sod @Theartiste

I'll never understand the way some married couples run their family finances.
He works full time. You work part time and look after DD, but yet he has more personal money than you. Because he doesn't want joint finances. But yet he wants to take joint money pay off his debt.

He really wants it all, doesn't he? You are either a team (hint - you should be, you're married, not housemates) or you are not.

Yes, it makes sense to pay off debts that are presumably costing more and more money the longer they are not paid off. But you should also be combining finances, each with equal 'fun money'. He can't have all his way.

I appreciate everyone is different but I really couldn't live the way you do. Married couples should support each other financially as well as emotionally. What happens if one of you gets ill, or loses their job, or has to work less due to a family crisis? Whatever happened to 'for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health'?

easy fix: do what you planned with the money. Anything left you go 50/50 and he can pay off debts and you can do what you like with yours (make sure you spend it tho. On something he can't later try to claim in a divorce)

So he's keeping more money every month than you are and gets to spend that on himself but he still expects more money from the sale? He is being unreasonable and clearly wants the division of income this way as it benefits him and disadvantages you. You would be much better off if both your salaries went into a joint account and then you both had some transferred into personal accounts but I bet he wouldn't want that as he is doing so much better than you out of the current situation.

So you take the same amount. Put it in an ISA, pension, spend it.

what’s the issue? Has he said you can’t?

You’re working part time (earning less), and doing some of the child care (unpaid). He is earning, and keeping, proportionally more money than you.

Is he paying you for his half of the childcare you are providing for your (joint) daughter? Is he contributing to any potentially lower pension payments for you (part time hours/looking after your child).

totally unfair arrangement!

Petty. Huh. How convenient. For him.

You're not being petty. He's being unfair and he doesn't want to own up to it and be fair here.

He is a total cheeky fucker.

Tell him you remembered you have some debts from 2007 and need £10,000 from the house profit.

@Theartiste how much money are we talking?

Then you are equal in every way in terms of the house. So if he gets X from the left overs, you also get X.

The % of bills and % of mortgage has already been agreed with (you taking the financial hit for working part time to avoid HIM having to contribute to nursery fees too). So that side is irrelevant as it’s already agreed and done/dusted. Instead of full time working you are saving you both money by providing childcare.

Is your pension being rebalanced while you facilitate him building up a big hefty pot while you are on reduced hourse?? No? I would definitely be addressing that in the near future too.

As well as all the stuff about him wanting the money for himself, even when he already has more money than you, if it's money left over due to buying and selling houses, then any money that doesn't go straight back towards the mortgage is effectively being borrowed at mortgage rates for the term of the mortgage (unless you over pay of course).

You're also effectively converting unsecured to secured debt. Both generally unwise, especially as DH appears to be a spendthrift. If he pays off debts from before you got together, you're both paying for those, possibly for many years. Don't do it and don't get rail roaded into him spend all family money on his cars and hobbies.

So what’s his is his and what’s yours is his? Nah, knock that on the head right away.

Assuming you owned the house equally and put the same amount into it, you should both split the profit from the sale. He can use his for whatever, you can use yours for whatever - stick it in a savings account for yourself if you don't want it at the moment. From those profits you could maybe discuss each of you contributing towards some joint things.

To be absolutely fair, I think it makes sense to pay off debts if there's money left over - but only if it's his fair share of the profits, and you also get yours.

What ever he takes from the profit to pay off his debts, you need to take the same. What's good for the Goose is good for the Gander, also remind him that you are saving the both of you a fortune in not paying for nursery for your child but you can always go back to work and put that bill into the family finances pot to share.

He can't have his own way with this when it's not debt that accumulated together.

Its either you both get the same amount or he gets nothing and carries on paying his debt from his own account.

I don't think it's as simple as getting the same amount each. DH is already getting ' more' from salary. If they split the proceeds 50:50 the likelihood is that DH spends the money on himself and OP on the family generally as that is the way of the world. Alternativey if OP gets her 'share' and stashes it in savings etc and then gets divorced then she will likely have to give up some of it in settlement as it's an asset of the marriage. DH having spent his on a depreciating flash car and wardrobe of designer outfits wins again as he no longer has the cash, just a load of second hand stuff.

It has to remain family money. So joint savings. Joint spends.