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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is DH being cheeky about money?

79 replies

Theartiste · 08/04/2026 20:01

We have recently sold our house and bought a new one, and have made a good profit from it. Should be concluding in the next couple of months. We agreed that we will use some towards the mortgage, some for small renovations, and a little left over towards next year's holiday. DH also said he will use some to pay off debts he has from when we first got together. These are debts related to buying a fancy car, expensive clothes, etc. nothing to do with bills or redundancy or anything like that. I feel it's a little unfair as I'm not planning on taking the same amount for myself, when I suggested it he said I was being unfair (perhaps I am!). I hate to post about money because it always sounds so petty but it does feel a bit unfair that I've always been careful with money and never buy much for myself whereas DH does. Also just to say, I would be more than happy to pool our money together and then this wouldn't matter as much but DH wants our finances mainly separate. Please tell me if I'm being horrible. I don't have a problem with him sorting his debt out but feel it's only fair I have the same amount to play with.

OP posts:

Credittocress · 09/04/2026 15:26

either you both take a cash lump sum from the sale to do with as you wish (and then he can pay off debts); or neither of you do. He wants to have his cake and eat it.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 09/04/2026 15:36

Even with paying in to the joint “pot”’proportionately to your earnings it sounds like you’re getting a raw deal! You should be left with the same amount for yourselves, not going by percentages when the reason you earn less is to care for your joint child.

If he works full time and you part time so you can care for your child and avoid nursery, then you’re massively subsidising him by providing the free childcare. But do you not mean reduce nursery time? Surely she is in nursery when you are working?

In answer to your OP, he is being massively unreasonable. Having insisted on separate finances (which benefits only him) he can’t then help himself to joint profit from the house sale for debts that are solely his. The only way this would be ok is if you agreed to each take a similar amount just for yourselves from the pot - and you could put yours in sole savings, buy something just for yourself or whatever.

Your part wouldn’t go to the family holiday or anything for your child as those things are joint.

The money for the family holiday should come off the profit money before you split any remaining between you.

What a cheeky git!

TheBlueKoala · 09/04/2026 15:54

@Theartiste Is he a selfish person in general or just when it comes to money? I'm a sahm and my dh always tells me to please spend some money on myself because he feels guilty buying clothes etc for himself. Your dh is taking the piss and I would stand my ground on this one. House sale 50:50 and then you decide how much to put in joint account for mortgage and holiday. Do not let the CF have his way.

C152 · 09/04/2026 15:57

YANBU, but if you don't have joint finances, then you both take exactly 50% of the profit and put it into your individual accounts. Then you'll have to agree and pay 50% each of any future home rennovations, holidays or joint purchases.

MyMilchick · 09/04/2026 15:58

YANBU, if your finances are separate then it's totally unfair for him to get extra money for himself (regardless of what he's spending it on)

Lurker85 · 09/04/2026 15:59

Give the man a dictionary and tell him to look up the words “petty” and “fair” as he seems to have gotten the meanings mixed up OR… go buy yourself some nice stuff on credit and say you also need money to pay your debts 😂

Viviennemary · 09/04/2026 16:01

He can't have it both ways. Your money is either separate or it isn't. Not pooled when it suits him.

nixon1976 · 09/04/2026 16:14

Sorry not the point of the thread at all but with this set up I would strongly advise you going back to work full time, earning as much as him hopefully, and you both split nursery fees. Otherwise you are much worse off than he is and are putting yourself in a vulnerable financial position should anything happen.

LottieMary · 09/04/2026 17:30

Petty when you’re keeping track of equality?

if you’re talking salaries by the way and you’re doing say two days childcare make sure you include the nursery fees and on costs as part of your salary so it’s very clear that you’re saving the two of you money. Fees are very much a family bill.
I’m hoping children’s things are joint and not just you?

Original poster

Theartiste · 09/04/2026 18:18

Sorry I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed reading all of these. It's just reinforcing that I feel I'm being taken for a bit of a mug at times. I don't feel short for cash in the slightest so it's never really bothered me if he has more left each month than I do. I also love being there for DD rather than using childcare but it has worried me a bit that my pension will be affected while DH will not. I think I need to really look at the sums on this and take the house move as an opportunity to rethink finances and pooling our money together.

OP posts:

WallaceinAnderland · 09/04/2026 18:24

I feel it's a little unfair as I'm not planning on taking the same amount for myself

It's not a little unfair, it's totally unfair.

Absolutely take the same amount for yourself OP.

Whether you put it in savings, in an ISA or a pension, make sure it's in your own name.

Laurmolonlabe · 09/04/2026 18:58

No, any profit is down the middle if you both contribute- what debts he has are irrelevant-joint property , joint profit.

HelsLD · 10/04/2026 10:24

I think you're right to think of pensions. I was a stay at home mum, had very little money for myself and have no pension now for retirement. (I'm 60 next year)

BlueberrySummerCloud · 10/04/2026 10:30

Take exactly the same as him and start a pension
He is being a very CF
Dont stand for it.
Also who made him the boss?
Dont let him walk all over you

ThatGladTiger · 12/04/2026 18:15

Can you spilt the profit in the same % as you put in? You say he puts in more than you so use that % to work out the split once the mortgage is paid off to the amount you want.

G5000 · 12/04/2026 20:00

how would it be fair to take out what they put in, if OP works part time to care for their joint child?

Pinkissmart · 12/04/2026 20:10

Nope.
How long has he held the debt for?

tiptoethrutulips · 13/04/2026 17:57

Whatever he takes out to pay for his past 'lifestyle' and 'jollies', you need to take for yourself and tuck away into savings for yourself. With an agreement it's just yours, just as his is just his (even tho it will have been 'spent' so to speak, not your problem).

He's taking the piss, otw

Inertia · 03/05/2026 12:02

What’s yours is shared, what’s his is his own-that’s totally unfair.

While you work part time you are missing out on pension contributions. The sensible thing to do would be to take your half of the profit and invest in your pension or a long term ISA.

Either finances are separate, or they aren’t, but he shouldn’t be allowed to get away with having his cake and eating it.

99bottlesofkombucha · 03/05/2026 12:06

I would absolutely take the same amount and put it in a savings account for me, never to be spent on house or holidays or kids or anything joint. He’s an entitled jerk wanting separate finances except when he wants to take more. There is no reason at all not to give you the same except that he doesn’t think you’re worth it.

Cool45 · 03/05/2026 12:31

Tell him u have a loan from years ago from a family member and u need to repay it, transfer x to pay your debt off also see how he reacts then

monkeysox · 03/05/2026 12:33

Theartiste · 08/04/2026 20:22

Yes he does have more left than me each month, but it quickly goes due to car payments and expensive hobby... It's so hard to discuss these things with him because he thinks I'm being petty but I don't feel like we are a "family" in our approach to money at all.

Unfair. Same disposable each month. Save any extra in a joint account.

Chatsbots · 03/05/2026 12:35

Yep, you do actually need more savings than he will, as his pension will compound over time and you won't have the same benefit.

It makes a massive difference.

Blue565 · 03/05/2026 20:54

He’s taking the piss, the money belongs to you both

Original poster

Theartiste · 05/05/2026 20:34

Chatsbots · 03/05/2026 12:35

Yep, you do actually need more savings than he will, as his pension will compound over time and you won't have the same benefit.

It makes a massive difference.

Just thought I would come back to this thread - I agree with this and tbh pension wasn't something I gave a lot of thought to previously. After looking at everything, I do realise how much worse off I will be. I have had the conversation with DH but as expected it did not go well. I suggested we should have the same amount of personal spending money after bills which means he will need to contribute more and me less. He has begrudgingly agreed to this and thinks he is being "more than fair" to me. I mentioned my pension and that I want to make some overpayments or start a private pension - fine, but this will need to come out of my spending money and not factored into expenses. So I'm still worse off essentially. I feel so shaky and hurt after our conversation and I think he does feel that way too. He says I am being really self centered and making everything about me when he is the one that has to make up the short fall. That nothing he does is good enough. Which is far from the truth, I just want to feel like things are fair and not argue about money!! I think over the next couple of years I need to look at going back to work full time.

OP posts:

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