Parental estrangement. What do you secretly think?

[Orphlids]

I’m interested in outsiders’ views on estrangements between parents and their adult children. If you’ve met, or were to meet someone, and then discovered they were estranged from both their adult children, what would your initial thoughts be, assuming you knew nothing more about how the estrangement came to happen?

UABU - you wouldn’t think negatively about the parent. You’d be prepared accept the adult children were perhaps unpleasant, or difficult people. You’d feel sorry for the parent.

UANBU - you’d suspect the parent’s poor behaviour was more likely to have caused the estrangements, and you might view that person with suspicion.

Which is closer to your view? I’d be interested in any thoughts, if you’d like to comment in further detail.

She’s very young. You have time on your side.

While now at nearly 60 I appreciate how valuable an apology would have been, at 17 I was raw, young and volatile.

There is value in letters that are never sent, but kept for a later hand over when things are more settled and wounds have scabbed over.

I’m not saying that, but you need to apologise, show change and give them space. And apology with rapid pressure to start building a relationship again seems self-serving rather than genuine

Well I don't think that has been the case here. I have not set eyes on my child for 5 months so hardly rapid pressure. It's very easy to moralise and judge when it's not happening to you.

I just feel desperately sorry for them as I do when I hear of someone dealing with bereavement or disability in the family.

Actually it is happening to me, which is why I can probably give you perspective on the other side

I'm NC with my own parents and one of the things they have said to me is that they bet I would never want my children to go NC with me.

Actually not the case. If my children felt that they couldn't cope with my behaviour, and that my attempts to mend the relationship were not good enough for them, then I would accept that the right thing for them was to live without me and I would be proud that I'd brought them up to have the confidence to stand up for what they believed in. Yes, it would hurt like hell ,but I would accept their decision. Maybe that's because I realise how much my life has been blighted by not cutting out my parents earlier, that I realise it can be a positive decision?

in your case, it sounds like you are doing your best to make amends; I hope that you can keep dialogue open and move towards a closer relationship.

He wants nothing more than to have his daughters and granddaughter back in his life. It’s only the second time I’ve seen a grown man cry! (First was when my dad told me my grandad had passed and second was when the estrangement got too much for DH) Yes he’s always reaching out (within reason as we don’t want to be seen to be harassing). Birthday and Christmas cards and gifts and he sends messages which get ignored by one and he’s blocked by the other but he still sends them even though he knows they’re not read. It breaks my heart when he says he’s seen more of my cousins kids than his own girls 😭

Well I desperately want just to see my child or even just hear their voice. I worry that if I just leave it months will become years and our relationship will be broken. It's more than I can bear.

People don't become estranged for no reason. I would accept that and not pry but listen if someone wanted to disclose.

I do think an apology is a good start and I agree with the open minded position you have taken that this can be resolved. Your child is very young and these are turbulent years so change is very possible.

I was open to my own parents apologising but obviously an apology is only the start, a recognition of the harm caused even if only so that behaviour can be changed going forward to discontinue the harm into the future would always be a necessary step to repair a relationship.

That was where my own problem lay, my parents could not reflect on the damage that their own way of thinking about child abuse (denial, minimisation, intellectualisation, blame shifting) and of handling situations (focus on outward appearance, focus on the abusing brother’s well-being) was having on me.

having had to go nc with my own mother i would say there is always almost little benefit to cutting out a parent and if a adult chooses to do so it is because it is the absolute last resort. it’s not a situation where it is a stroppy teen in a mood about some rule they have to follow. they have their own house and own rules so what did the parent do to cause that limiting contact was the only option

That was my term ‘bad husband’ He’s been very honest about his part in the marriage breakdown and what went wrong but it’s very hard to fix a marriage when the other person won’t talk!
Sadly his ex is still playing the girls off against their dad as she did when they were married!!
As I said I take as I find. We’ve been together 5 years and I have never had a reason to think I made a mistake in being with him. His mum has actually thanked me for giving her her son back! She didn’t realise how unhappy he was when he was with his ex wife.

I feel the same, I always get the.. But she’s your mum, you only get one comment. I’d love nothing more than a normal mum, unfortunately that’s not what I got.

I think it’s perfectly possible that he has undertaken a personality transplant whilst he was with that person because I’ve seen it with my own eyes.
Some people really shouldn’t be together.
But equally I wouldn’t trust mothers with their perception of their sons, they are very disproportionately and unjustifiably forgiving in that generation

It can be for lots of reasons . Im very close with my adult DC but parents often get the blame for estranged children yet they could be addicts /abusers ect its shallow to assume it's always the parents fault

If your child is an addict, it always without fail traces back to childhood trauma of some description

It could be anything. My brother has estranged himself from my parents and other sibling over an incident with money. He also has mental health problems though. No one did anything wrong in the incident and both parties have regrets but personality wise they are both stubborn so are unlikely going to take steps to make up. Sad situation.

it’s even worst if family know what she is like and don’t dispute the pain she caused but then expect you to just put up with it because apparently your are not allowed to have needs or feelings

My family is full of various people not talking to other(s), so it's normal for me !
Causes of estrangement work both ways, IME it's never 100% one person.

An impossible answer, depends what your age and experience is.
im very old. I’ve been NC with my dad for over 30 years. One of us will die first and we’ll both die with this situation and we’re both ok about it. If I met you and your circumstances were the same, I’d think the parent was an arse based on my experience.

my outside extended family think the NC with my dad is completely my fault and I am at fault regardless if it’s my fault or not. That “you only get one dad”, “it’s all very very sad “ etc etc. because their view is based on having a supportive loving dad. So in their view the child is the arse in the situation.

i can think of extreme cases like mine where it is 100% the other side but i guess everyone has different experiences

I’d almost always blame the parents, in absence of any other information.
I would bet money that in most cases the parents are toxic and/or there was abuse involved, either towards the children or towards each other but the abused parent put up with it and didn’t protect the kids.
Even in those cases where the parents didn’t appear to have done anything wrong and may have been well intentioned, I think I’d still blame them on some level because they raised selfish, entitled children who would cut off their parents for spurious reasons.

There’s always three sides to every story. Their truth, the kids’ truth and the real truth 🙂

I got divorced from my husband and my ds decided to move in with his father ( he was of a age where the courts would see him as old enough to make his own decisions ) it broke me but not a lot I could do about it.
Ex then turned my ds against me by bad mouthing me to him , he also allowed our son free reign to do as he wishes rather than parent him . My son estranged from me and didn't want contact nor would be turn up if expected .
Son is now an adult and no longer lives with his dad . He reigned in his bad life choices and has a job , house etc and as far as I know is happy in his life which of course I am very happy for.
Sadly despite many attempts from me to rekindle a relationship , open up conversations , meet up as an adult and form his own opinion , he isn't interested .
I remain open to any relationship with him But it is not seeming likely which of course I am devastated about . But I realise the ball is firmly in his court .

I think this is true and I'd personally really welcome an open table chat, perhaps facilitated by an external where all parties express what would be an acceptable way forward for them and agree new ground rules, but I think it's difficult to get teenagers to agree. I think it's easier just to cut off contact and run.