Parental estrangement. What do you secretly think?

[Orphlids]

I’m interested in outsiders’ views on estrangements between parents and their adult children. If you’ve met, or were to meet someone, and then discovered they were estranged from both their adult children, what would your initial thoughts be, assuming you knew nothing more about how the estrangement came to happen?

UABU - you wouldn’t think negatively about the parent. You’d be prepared accept the adult children were perhaps unpleasant, or difficult people. You’d feel sorry for the parent.

UANBU - you’d suspect the parent’s poor behaviour was more likely to have caused the estrangements, and you might view that person with suspicion.

Which is closer to your view? I’d be interested in any thoughts, if you’d like to comment in further detail.

I suspect your answer here will be generational.

I'd be more likely to suspect the parents were difficult, because my own children are under 5, and the only experience I have are nightmare-ish parents... I suspect people with adult children themselves would be more likely to blame the children. Basically; most people will blame whatever supports their own bias', because nobody wants to believe that they'll be estranged from their children.

Neither is close to my view. I'm inherently nosy so I'd definitely be wondering what the deal is but estrangement can happen due to poor behaviour on either side or just complicated relationships with fault on both sides. I know enough to know that even if someone I meet appears to be a lovely person, that doesn't mean they are necessarily without fault in something like this.

I also make no assumptions about parents always being the ones at fault. If you know nothing about the estrangement then it's not your place to judge basically

If it was all or multiple/both I'd definitely think the parent was to blame, if it's just one of them I'm more likely to be open to considering the parents side but would still be interested to hear both sides.

I ticked YANBU because I don’t think children who’ve been raised in a secure, supportive environment tend to cut off their parents. So I would definitely assume the person who had been cut off had some difficulties as a parent. But I wouldn’t ’view them with suspicion’. I’m not a perfect parent and I didn’t have a perfect one either. I know I’ve passed on some of my mums issues to my kids and just need to work as hard as I can to understand unhealthy dynamics and not having my kids impacted by my emotions. So I’d feel very sorry for that person but yes would assume that they struggled.

I was already nc with my dps when I met dh. Within 2 years he was nc with his dps. His dm had cheated on his df and was expected to make effort with her bf (abroad via face time). Their fragmented relationship never improved. When we had a dc she dumped us. No logic in any of it.

Think it can be both ways tbh

I wouldn’t jump to an assumption of complete blame on either side with no knowledge as sometimes the reason is a straightforward single event, but they are more usually complex and based on years of experiences, action's and feelings.

If more than one child is estranged then I'd think there was some sort of parenting issue going on.
Just one child estranged then I'd probably assume some fault on both sides.

I’d think someone was a nightmare but would reserve judgement as to who who. I come across it all the time in my work always dealing with the parents. Often I have every sympathy for the deserting adult child despite never meeting them. Other times it’s harder to understand but I always appreciate I hear only one side.

My first reaction would be to think it was very sad, rather than to try and apportion blame.

I’m now in my 60s and my children are in their 20s. I can think of few things worse than being estranged from them.

Speaking as someone who is no contact with my covert narcissist mother, I can tell you that people very obviously change their attitude to me when the subject (extremely rarely) comes up that I’m not in contact with her.
In their eyes I must be a terrible daughter if I can walk away from an elder lady - because obviously I’m not going to sit there and list the absolute hell she put me through growing up so they choose to make an assumption that I’m just an uncaring spoiled brat (in my forties).
I get it but it’s honestly soul-destroying when I have to live with the heartbreak of the reality of walking away. I didn’t choose this.

So yes, people do judge but I never would, due to my own experience.

Neither. There are as many different circumstances as there are people.

I was NC with my f from early teens but he didn't believe in the education of women, refused to allow my dm to drive, tried to force me to leave school at 16 and contribute to the household so he could retire etc. He was an abusive misogynistic Neandethal prat, and I was absolutely right to leave and stay away.

Other people, the child will be at fault, some will simply be a clash of temperament.

I wouldn't judge anyone else's family relations. You need to be on the inside to do that.

I take as I find.
My husband’s daughters are both NC with him due to the divorce and their mum being toxic. He admits he wasn’t the best husband the first time round though neither was she the best wife.
He is an amazing partner and husband to me but I believe that often our relationships can reflect our own behaviour and I also think he’s learnt a lot from his marriage breakdown and divorce.
For context I spent 13 years with an absolute dick of a man then 7 years on my own. I was more that happy lodging with my parents and thought a relationship would be a nice icing on the cake but was more than happy on my own and would never have even gone on a second date let alone married him if he was anything other than amazing!!

I wouldn't think anything unless I'd heard both sides of the story.

One person I knew who was estranged from both parent had a perfect upbringing, no faults or anything from either parents or child. The reason was a big row, started off as nothing and turned into a big deal which ended their relationship.

My mum and my sister are estranged, the root causes of it were a) mum's abusive parents and abusive first husband and b) the guy who SA my sister.

Basically my mum wasn't equipped to meet my sister's needs and although in some ways she did do her best (and better than my sister would admit, because my mum's overprotective approach would prevented some of the harm) it's better for both sides that they are NC.

My mum is very much one of those "half people" so subject to trauma and abuse at fundamental times that she doesn't have much real accountability for what she does. The rest of us tolerate and accept her limitations.

So I would not assume any blame, although if someone said "I did nothing wrong", I would know that that didn't mean that wrong didn't occur.

I ticked the UANBU one, but in reality I think situations are complex.
My cousin is NC with his mother, as were the rest of the family, but his brother wasn't. She was definitely at fault.
Since she died they have slowly and painfully been rebuilding a sibling relationship.
People are messy.
I know of at least one family where I do not understand why the adult child has cut off the parent, but then I am not privy to the internal ins and outs of that relationship.
Plenty more where the parents poor behaviour has lead to limited or no contact. (or they still have contact and the adult kid is still trying to manage that awful behaviour)

I think on balance I tend to agree with the poster that said people who grow up in happy stable 'normal' homes don't usually find a reason to cut off their parents. But they may still drift apart due to personality and distance.

I am nearly 60, and have finally come to the conclusion that I am in no position to judge other people's families

I have an adult child and can't imagine for the life of me how we could ever become estranged from one another - and if it did happen for any reason, then I would absolutely be looking to myself for what had gone wrong.

Either way, the parents surely have some culpability. Either because they themselves have just behaved so bloody badly that their kids want nothing to do with them or because they have somehow managed to raise kids with such poor morals that they would see fit to cut off their parents for no reason?!

So I don't really buy your "generational answers" theory. If my adult dd decided that she no longer wanted anything to do with me, I do believe that some of the blame would lie squarely at my own feet.

Caveat: I am sure that there are exceptions to this rule, but I'm stating how I feel in general terms.

I’d suspect they were all generationally dysfunctional.

I probably wouldn't know either way. I'd also look at my own family and see parents and children who fell out about something and just never resolved it. Both sides too stubborn/ set in their decision. Nowadays I think the same argument would be described by one or other party in therapy speak.

If I met a parent with estranged adult children at the back of my mind I might wonder if the children may be drug or alcohol addicts. Recently seen this as self preservation on parents behalf after a very long and painful decade.

kind of in between for me.

I’m NC with my parents. One day I ‘broke her heart’ by doing something she didn’t want me to, nothing terrible just a life choice I’d always said I’d make, previously she’d been over bearing, made awful comments, fallen out with many other people, tried to turn me against others etc, my sibling was the golden child. And told me she wanted nothing more to do with me. I said fine. I had counselling and realised that her being in my life was more painful than her not, it’s been 3 years.

however. If you spoke to her you’d think I was a terrible person who did a terrible thing and broke apart a family.

so no matter what I thought I’d not make judgement because you’ll never really know

on the other hand it would destroy me to be non contact with DC and I’d do all in my power to fix things

I never thought I would be NC with any of my family even the extended members. But due to money and lack of support this has happened. I think especially as we get older our relationships focus on our immediate family unit . Often an outsider like a DIL or SIL can trigger a rift either because they support their spouse in not putting up with abusive behavior or because they encourage isolation for their own reasons . It is still taboo to be estranged from family but it seems a lot more common than I ever thought.

I'd tend to assume it's the parent/s fault. For one child to go NC is a tragedy. Two feels more like an avoidable pattern. Having said that, I'm sure nearly all parents do their best and circumstances can be very difficult indeed for some, so it's not fair to judge.

I’d listen to how and the way they talk about their adult child/children.

Plenty of parents (not saying all) have a golden child and they don’t notice the difference in how they talk about their children to others, but you can often hear it in their voice and see it in their facial expressions.

One adult child could be doing well yet the way the parents talk about them sounds horrid while the adult child who is their favourite/ golden child could be the worse person going and they would be singing their praises and making excuses for them.

I’m estranged from my dad. I have no idea what he tells people (if anything) but I wouldn’t be surprised if I’m at fault because he’s a narcissist so can do no wrong. He basically moved to London when I was 8 to become an actor. He’s still trying as far as I know 25 years later, he also self published two GPT generated books last year. I find him embarrassing. I’m an academic and hate that we share a (fairly rare) surname, incase anyone ever makes the link between my published work and his AI tripe…

He was a Disney dad when I grew up. He didn’t know how to parent so compensated by throwing cash my way. I loved it because my mum was very poor so I grew up on a rough estate with very little but then I’d go see him at the weekend and he’d splurge. Expensive clothes and trainers, extravagant birthday parties, iPods when they were released, the latest phone, lots of spending money when I got older so I could take my friends out, pricey holidays etc. I honestly thought he was perfect.

Then I reached adulthood and he stopped seeing me or even really contacting me. It was as though he thought I didn’t need him anymore and his job was done. I called him out on it and he made up some nonsense so I snapped and told him to stop following his pathetic pipe dream and get a real job. I got in touch with him again about 7 years later in my mid 20s, DH said DC should have a relationship with him. I travelled down to him and he just talked about himself the whole time, didn’t ask me a single question. I gave up, he didn’t chase me either.

As I say, no idea what he says about me if anyone ever asks but there you go. Up to you whether you judge him as a parent for that situation or not. My mum’s partner is estranged from one of his children and I’ve always been wary of him as a result.

I wouldn't think anything as I'm.not interested in their children. It's them I'm having a friendship with. I would mind my own business.

Also your being very judgemental to think like this and also to use the words secretlythink. You have no idea what has gone on.

your focus should be on your friendship with them, not worrying and judging their personal business.