Parental estrangement. What do you secretly think?

[Orphlids]

I’m interested in outsiders’ views on estrangements between parents and their adult children. If you’ve met, or were to meet someone, and then discovered they were estranged from both their adult children, what would your initial thoughts be, assuming you knew nothing more about how the estrangement came to happen?

UABU - you wouldn’t think negatively about the parent. You’d be prepared accept the adult children were perhaps unpleasant, or difficult people. You’d feel sorry for the parent.

UANBU - you’d suspect the parent’s poor behaviour was more likely to have caused the estrangements, and you might view that person with suspicion.

Which is closer to your view? I’d be interested in any thoughts, if you’d like to comment in further detail.

I think outside of clear cases of abuse/neglect, it’s a really difficult and nuanced issue.

I know a couple who are estranged from both their adult sons. The woman is their birth mother but the man is her second husband - not the children’s parent but their dad (her first husband) died and her husband bought both sons up as his own from primary school age. This couple only became estranged from their sons when the sons had married and had children of their own.

This couple claim not to know why their sons don’t want anything to do with them. I’m guessing they do and don’t want to share, which is fair enough and their prerogative.

However I can’t help but wonder what has happened as both sons have chosen not to be in their lives. I also can see that the woman could be controlling and high maintenance.

I think the answer to your question is that people will naturally wonder about what’s happened between the family members and will assume that the parents were somehow lacking - and seek out evidence of what might have happened in their own dealings with the parents by looking at their behaviour.

I must admit that I fear the very worst and my brother has agreed to be executor of their will which is spiteful towards the estranged children. I fear that he will discover things he’d rather not know about these people once they die and be left upset.

In the absence of information, I would not be biased either way.

Before Mumsnet I might judge. But since it seems, parents, children, in-laws and siblings can’t do anything right according to some I wouldn’t think too much of it now.

Having lived through this myself, with a bio child and a stepchild, both times I know I’d/we’d done nothing wrong, so I’d not be quick to jump to conclusions about anyone else.
With my bio there was no falling out, child just preferred their dads money and lifestyle. I wanted them to be happy and let them go. Contact was minimal for a few years. It’s fine now. Stepchild has a personality disorder, refuses treatment, steals/lies/manipulates, is violent, and doesn’t like being told no. Our heinous crime? We asked them to either sign on, or get a part time job. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Their choice was to walk away from that ‘awful’ boundary.

I agree with this.

i know 3 families where adult children are estranged,

family 1 parents were shit, one an addict the other enabled it, neither adult children speak to either of them

family 2 one parent cheated on the other by having a long term affair, neither child want anything to do with the cheat.

family 3 both children are estranged tas dad been abusive to mum and generally being a crap dad.

parents were to blame for the breakdown of both these relationships.

100% agree. I wouldnt jump to any conclusion as who was to blame, why, what happened etc. It could be either, or a mixture of both.

To be honest - neither! There's all sorts of reasons why people become estranged from other family members. My own neighbour has two adult daughters - she is estranged from one of them and has been for years and she lives locally. The other daughter lives abroad but keeps regular contact with her mum but she's not in regular contact with her sister as far as I'm aware. Obviously some family history there but it doesn't affect my feelings about either of them - they have their reasons for maintaining the status quo and it's none of my business any way.

I don't think I'd really have any opinion to be honest. Unless the party i knew (assuming I only knew one side) was a bit of a dick. Then I'd imagine it was probably their own doing.

just bad luck.

This - its impossible to vote either way because each situation is so different. Some parents are horrible. Some kids are horrible. Sometimes both sides are hurt and unable to bridge the gap.

why,what's it to do with you?
why do you want to hear about people's family problems. zzzzz

That is absolutely awful I’m so sorry you went through that.

I remember not long after going nc with my mother (later 30s), I confided in a woman I knew who was mid 60s who had asked if I was OK. It just came out. Not the details, just the simple fact.

She hugged me and said, "Me too." Nothing else needed saying by either of us.

ETA: My point was that I didn't know it was something people did until it happened to me.

My DD is NC with me and DH for lots of reasons. We understand but are very sad about the circumstances we created. Also we are NC with her DCs.

We do hope in the not too distant future she will forgive us as we are quite old now.

I would assume they were a shit parent tbh.

It would depend on how the person speaks about the estrangement for me

If i met someone who blamed their mum for not being perfect, and making genuine errors, whilst being very calm and matter of fact about their useless father, I would take the mums side in my head

If they weren't like that, and were very much like 'my mum and I are estranged, i know how hard it was for her to be a parent but she made unforgivable choices' - I would be more inclined to not blame either party

Speaking as someone who estranged from their dm and step dad 🙃

If i met an adult who was estranged from their kids, I would judge a man and woman differently tbh

See, it's really difficult. I've gone into more details on here previously but my mother is the sort of person that can't do enough to help others but it's always self serving but you wouldn't necessarily know that.

She is the first person to visit someone in hospital or to volunteer to take people to medical apointments, to help out someone in crisis. But it's all about her and how she is perceived, although, unless you knew her really well, you'd just think she was kind and selfless.
.
When I was a child, she volunteered at a nearby special school. But it wasn't about benefitting the children. She did it because the enjoyed the adoration and hugs from the chidren.

At around the same time, she told me that she wished I'd been born disabled because then I'd have been "deserving" of her love. She genuinely believed that she would have been held in high esteem by society for carrying the 'burden' and people would have admired her benevolence and generosity of spirit 🤷🏻‍♀️

Point being, you wouldn't think she was a dick.

I have a friend of about 10 years. Her mum is in her 90s and she often spoke fondly of a friend of her mum's who was supportive and thoughtful. My friend spoke very highly.of this friend of her mum's.

I'd also shared some of my experiences of abuse.

Imagine the shock we both had when 5 years ago I saw a photo of her mum with this friend...

I couldn't judge, based on my own experience. I am no contact with three siblings who have behaved poorly and I have no idea why - I have clearly done something but I am left to guess what that is. Sometimes I wish I knew - mostly I'm just glad I don't have to deal with their poor behaviour anymore.

was it your choice or theirs? And if was them have they given you any indication as to why? Just curious.

A lifetime of daily abuse from both my parents and all of their children cut contact years ago. They tell all extended family and friends they have no idea why, and many family members dared to assume it was a one off argument or something petty. I got tired of explaining it's not what they did, it's who they are.

Sadly, I think most people do blame the children for going NC because most people cannot imagine growing up with a mother whose goal is to hurt her children rather than love them and so they assume that the child ended the relationship over the kind of argument that they might have with their (loving) parent.

It's no different than leaving an abusive spouse, which no one would dare to judge. But of course, abusers behave much differently in public...

In my opinion, the victims end up being blamed after finally working up the courage to walk away from decades of abuse from the very people who were supposed to be protecting them.

I’m adopted so instant win for my mum on that front. As someone delightfully put it for “picking up someone else’s shit”.

Wow!

Maybe both parties are ok but have bad history between them?
Ultimately however parents liberally brought their children into the world so the onus for me will always be on them to keep trying IF they want a relationship.

However I've noticed it's always the same types who become estranged the ones who are entitled on either side and never feel they have done anything wrong and can't question themslves.

@GreyCarpet it's easy when you have seen this type in action but so hard to understand it if you have not.