to think grandmothers are expected to shoulder too much childcare?

[catchingup1]

https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2025/aug/24/grandparent-revolt-burned-out-childcare-birthrates

I’ve just read this article and what stood out to me wasn’t selfishness, it was how much of this seems to fall on grandmothers in particular. It feels like there is still this quiet expectation that women will just step back into a caring role, no matter their age or stage of life.

They have already spent years raising their own children, often doing the bulk of the emotional and practical labour. Then just as they reach a point where they might finally have some time for themselves, it starts again. Not always because they actively choose it, but because it is assumed they will.

I completely understand that parents are under pressure and childcare is expensive. That is real. But it does not sit right that the solution often becomes leaning on grandmothers as if their time is simply available.

There is also something about the guilt attached to it. Saying no can be made to feel like you are letting people down or not caring enough, when actually it can just be about wanting a bit of your own life back after decades of responsibility.
It feels less like a revolt and more like long overdue boundaries. Grandmothers are allowed to be more than just caregivers. They are allowed to rest, to have interests, to travel, to do nothing if they want.

AIBU to think this is not about grandparents being unwilling, but about grandmothers in particular carrying a burden that people are only just starting to question?

In my experience plenty of granddads help with childcare / babysitting as well as grandmas, perhaps because the most recent generation of granddads were more involved with the day to day care of their own kids, so are more confident and comfortable caring for their grandchildren. My dad regularly takes my son to a little coffee morning with his mates and some of their grandkids!

For some of my friends with parents in their 60’s dad has maybe fully retired while mum is still working PT, so grandad has more freedom to help with childcare.

None of our parents provided any regular childcare because we live over an hour away from them. Inlaws did provide childcare for sil once a week but both gp's did it together rather than it all being on the woman.

In the families I know where a lot of childcare and support is provided by grandparents especially the maternal grandmother it seems to come with a lot of strings attached such as where every bank holiday, celebratory event is spent spent with the maternal grandmother and she is the matriarch.

TBH, we found out that my BIL is having a child at the weekend, and I'm relieved that the pressure will be eased on us - she will have another grandchild to spoil, and hopefully won't be so demanding of ours.

Obviously the childcare element is lovely, but there's also a tonne of other stuff to the relationship and it will be good to have a bit more private time. Not least because my husband is loath to ask for babysitting so we can go on dates etc when she does childcare - but she would LOVE to do more!

That is why I said it is MOSTLY grandmothers.

Yes some grandfathers are amazing but it is still mostly grandmothers.

Perhaps but I do think that’s changing, certainly in my family and friends the grandfathers are helping out too, it’s not just grandma, I see lots of grandads at pick up from nursery and school, pushing prams around our estate. Most mums of young kids I know use paid childcare with a day a week or occasional babysitting help from GP’s. I can see this continuing as the new generation of grandads are much more used to spending time caring for young kids & many more grandmas are still working or have been in FT work, rather than SAHM’s or very part time workers who then move to caring for grandkids. Perhaps different in families where grandad is a little younger and still working FT, all my friends dads were retired or semi retired when grandkids started arriving.

I absolutely agree it’s wrong to expect grandmothers to automatically give up their time to provide free childcare though!

My grandchildren are adult now, but I made it clear I wouldn’t be available for regular childcare.

Emergencies of course, but not regular.

I’ve got a great relationship with everyone. It’s just a case of laying it out what you can’t and can do.

If women lay it out that they do not want to do childcare they get criticised. Have you seen all the posts from women criticising their DM/MIL for not providing childcare? Men don't have to lay anything out because the same expectations are not there.

When have you seen a post where someone is complaining that their DF or FIL won't do childcare for them?

I also think this is a relative new thing in the last 20-odd years among all classes, since house prices and other economic factors have meant that both partners have to work (rather than just choose to).

I’ve also noticed that women who have retired seem to be expected to be available at all times for all issues among their family members (eg hospital visits), and that their ‘constant excuses’ that they have one of their classes or volunteering days are seen as dispensable, unimportant and annoying.

Back in the 80s all of my childcare was done by my grans. One gran would drop and collect us and would look after us for most of the holidays. The other gran worked and had us for some of the holidays.

This only stopped when we got old enough to look after ourselves.

Why everyone is suddenly causing a fuss and acting like this is a new thing, I've no idea.

I'd actually blame the grandfathers more here, because they've clearly modelled such abysmal parenting to their children during their childhoods that their adult kids don't see them as an equal caregiver.

My parents didn't have their parents around when raising us (dead/lived in different country), me and my ex didn't have our parents around (dead/lived hundreds of miles away), my kids live hundreds of miles away from both me and their mum.
And all of us worked full time while raising kids.
We've all managed just fine.
Who are all these people who still live round the corner/same town /near their parents?

I definitely feel like the same GPs who benefitted from having childcare from their parents are now refusing to do any from their kids. For me its less an individual issue and more the loss of the "village". For me anyway my parents have made it very clear I'm on my own, in fact they left the country as soon as I became an adult. I was cared for regularly by my GPs as a child.

I've never got the implied logic here, and it comes up a lot on MN.
Who knows the dynamics behind your GPs' support of your parents?
No-one has to pay it forward.
Times and circumstances change.

I'm childfree by choice.
When I was younger people used to say 'you'll regret it when you're older'.
Now I am older and I see my friends who are grandmothers giving up a huge part of their time and energy to looking after grandchildren.

I've never been more glad I decided not to have children.

Where I come from the government introduced a new benefit in the form of monthly money paid to the carer, who can be a grandparent, an aunt, etc. for the care of every child under 3. It is working very well. The childcare system in the UK is one of the most expensive in the world. My sister paid like 1/10 of her salary only for the nursery fees.

My husband and I have been unfriended on social media by his DD and have been sent vile messages by her and her DM because we said we couldn’t take annual leave so DD could go to work.

No it wasn’t. I grew up in the 70s and 80s and most families had a stay at home mum for a lot of the time, certainly part time.Non regulated babysitting and childminding was used if necessary.Now you have to use regulated childminders or nursery and pay.

There is no way on earth I’m child minding grandchildren. I’m near retirement and the teenage / early 20s years were hard. I’ve done my bit and my kids know that. Zero resentment just appreciation.

Grandmothers really shouldn’t be giving up work and inflicting themselves with poorer pensions for grandchildren. Often women already have worse pensions as it is.

I have grandchildren but no, I do not do regular child care. I was clear with both my children from before they had their own kids that would be the case. As a teacher I spent my entire working life being tied to school holidays and didn't go back to work until both my boys were at school. Now I am happy to help out in an emergency, or just from time to time. GD stayed with us while Dad and Mum went on their honeymoon. But I expect to be able to go away at times that suit me, at short notice if I want, and to have time to live my own life. Must go now as off to my yoga class!

I do think this is key - managing expectations before the grandchildren are even here!

There's a perfect example of the OP's point on this thread.

She's pissed off that her mum doesn't volunteer to provide free childcare, but it's fine that her dad doesn't do it because he "isn't confident looking after them."

The double standards are blatant.

Grandparents can’t win, expected to fund uni, house deposits, other support and their own pensions whilst not working because they are cheap childcare.

They can’t do it all and shouldn’t, particularly women with the worse private pensions.

Like everything you should plan ahead on the proviso of funding things yourself whether that be retirement, childcare, housing etc and cut your cloth. Nobody should be expecting free childcare from grandparents.

My mum worked so I had to take a work break. Now I need to work on the pension payment years I missed. No way can I do childcare now in the most important pension payment years.

A lot of people my age don’t want grandchildren as the world is in such shit- environmentally and politically. Children aren’t a right and having less children or the children you can afford is a good thing.

The strategy of the grandfather works. Some did a poor job the first time round which then means they don't get considered for GC childcare. Meanwhile the expectations and pressure increases for grandmothers. They are being made to feel guilty while the grandfathers enjoy their retirement.

Good old grans!

Grandfathers enjoy their retirement while grans bring up their own children and then do childcare yet again for GC. They need to keep giving and giving of their time. How dare they consider having life of their own?