To feel let down by my own mum since having my children

[goldensun96]

Hello all.

I had my first boy 5 years ago. When he was born, my mum was so quick to come round and see him. But when I was struggling she would always say it was me who was being too tense, anxious etc. Which I knew it wasn't me, since having my second child I knew my first had a few issues during birth and after.

Anyway fast forward a year or so, she would never ever offer to help. Not once has she said 'would you like me to take him off you so you can do something for yourself' I always have to ask, and when I ask I feel like it's an inconvenience.

Since having my second I feel like it's been worse, It could go two weeks without hearing from her and I'd have to text to say hello.

I see all these grandmas that dote on their grandkids, to be fair my MiL helps a lot.

I know some people say it will be because I am not asking for help, but I have done in the past and it's always been a huff and a puff.

Also, I was really poorly with a stomach bug at the weekend, I told my dad about it but never got a text from my mum to ask how I was etc.

Am I being silly? or would you feel the same?

Has she always been like this?
Also could your dad offer to help?

I know it’s hard to understand but just because she is a grandparent doesn’t mean she is obliged to help you with childcare. She may feel she has done her part raising you. Did she get help from her parents when you were little?

did your dad offer to help when you told him you were unwell or is it just your mum you expect to help you..

My dad isn't confident looking after my little ones. They both have anxiety.

I was often at my own grandmas when I was younger.

I had a mother like that. Best not to ask so you aren't disappointed. I will be there every step my dc need me if I'm able to.

This is it, if my two boys grow up and choose to have kids of their own I will be there to support every step (as much as they would like me to)

Perhaps your mum isn't confident either.

My mum is a doting grandmother but I’d never ask/ expect my mum to take my children so I can have a break. I’ll ask her to look after them so I can go to a hospital appointment, but apart from that we do things together.

Ah, the usual weaponised male incompetence.
Both your kids have anxiety under 5?

So why do you feel let down by your mum and not your dad?

Could they not jointly care for your DC if they wished to?

Could they not get counselling to deal with their anxiety and then support you more?

In short, neither of them HAVE to help you, and both of them could do something if they wanted to, they clearly both don’t, so if you feel let down by your parents, you should be blaming both, not just your mum.

@CharlotteRumpling
I read that as it's both the op's parents who have anxiety. But equally it could be the children.

so if you feel let down by your parents, you should be blaming both, not just your mum.

Exactly. Somehow it's always a woman's fault.

YANBU to feel disappointed about this OP. As a mum to young DC it makes so much difference to have a helpful supportive family. Unfortunately it looks like it's not going to happen for you, so it's probably best to stop expecting much from them.

YABU to put all the blame on your mum when it sounds like your dad is equally unhelpful.

Edited to add: sorry I didn't realise this isn't AIBU!

The op has a mother in law who helps a lot so that is great. She is not in a situation with no support.

Ah, sorry, both your parents have anxiety? Then why is it only your mum's job?

That said, I would not go two weeks without texting my DD and would offer to help in a hard situation.

Sounds like you mom is going the ‘you made your bed now lie in it’ style of parenting.

It might frustrate her that when you were struggling with one child you chose to have another. Also anxiety in u5 is very unusual unless their primary caregiver is also anxious.
Have you done anything for your anxiety?

It's not even wanting her to take him for a few hours, it's not even asking if we want to go somewhere together, or have a girly day out just us two. I feel like there's been a huge divide since having my children, it's made us further apart rather than closer

Some grandparents are just not that into small kids or confident with them. It’s sad for you, I am sad about it too as mine are similar, but that’s the way it is.

Look at it this way, would you want your kids being looked after by someone who is reluctant and anxious about it?

Who has anxiety? Your DC or your parents? Or everyone?

my parents have anxiety not my kids

My ILs live 15 mins up the road and have never looked after DS8 once in his life!!
your MiL helps a lot, so be grateful for that. Loads of people don’t have any / minimal support at all. If you want help from your parents, then ask!!

It sounds like you're resentful that your mum doesn't offer to have the children but that you don't expect your dad to. Don't you think that's a little unfair?

Helping you out from time to time is the responsibility of both your parents.

If they suffer from anxiety then I can understand their reticence to help you. Maybe when your children are a bit older it will be easier for them.

YABU.

Maybe she’s aware of your resentment at her not doing childcare for you and doesn’t want to be around it?